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Original poster

Is there any other explanation?

392 replies

Thisagain4 · 12/12/2024 03:16

Been with DP 4yrs long distance, live 3.5hrs drive apart, both with 1 child each. We see other once a week for 24hrs. Things have worked this way because we both have busy lives and we want to put our children first.
At 4yrs I haven't met any of his friends or family (he says they are racist)
Haven't met his DC (he says they won't take it well)
We haven't been away together
When I visited his city he was uncomfortable about pda
He rarely answers his phone in the evenings (says it's on charge on silent and he's usually way thing football with his dad)
He never spends more than 24hrs here.
We've never spent Xmas together because we want to spend it with our children.
He is very protective of his phone
He is never here for more than 24hrs
However I can feel that he loves me, he tells me daily and communicates a lot. We're making plans for when DC go to uni.
A few days ago he changed plans from going to my sisters for an early Xmas from overnight to a few hours. This was the straw that broke the camel's back because he didn't see me for my birthday last week and I exploded about how I'm fed up with this joke of a relationship and asked him if he has a double Info up where he is. His response was that nothing is going on, I'm just having my monthly meltdown and he has refused to engage since.
AIBU? Is that he's just a very private person or have I been a naive mug for 4 years?

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisagain4 · 12/12/2024 03:18

*double life not info

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisagain4 · 12/12/2024 03:20

Every other aspect of the relationship is beautiful and smooth sailing with lots of laughs and support.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 12/12/2024 03:48

Thisagain4 · 12/12/2024 03:20

Every other aspect of the relationship is beautiful and smooth sailing with lots of laughs and support.

Every other aspect? Struggling to understand what else there is when you never spend any time together and by your own admission, the relationship is a joke.

If you both have a DC each and have busy lives and live 3.5 hrs apart, you aren't exactly set up for success, plus after so many years the precedent is set, so quite difficult to change now unless you're both resolved to make the change together.

It doesn't sound like this guy wants to change your arrangement.

ETA spending 24hrs together and then nothing for the other 6 days may feel a bit too intense.

Edingril · 12/12/2024 03:51

We can't answer that only he can

daisychain01 · 12/12/2024 03:54

I have to agree with you there @Edingril difficult to guess what may be going on.

Monty27 · 12/12/2024 04:03

Ask him
Ask yourself how you cannot see the non-commitment. I'd be digging about his background.

murphys · 12/12/2024 04:26

My take from what you have said is that he is indeed living a double life.

4 years of this!
You need to prioritize yourself and your child.

IAm16StoneHalloween2024 · 12/12/2024 04:29

Have you ever been to his home? You just spoke about ‘visiting’ his city, how long for? It sounds like his life is hidden and he comes into your life but you know nothing about his.

You deserve more. If he wanted you to be a bigger part of his life he would make it happen, just like you have.

Who is he afraid of who might see you both together?

fedup078 · 12/12/2024 05:01

Highly suspicious
It's not really a relationship
Have you done some digging?
Googled him?
Do you have him on social media ?

LimeYellow · 12/12/2024 05:04

Does he usually visit you? When you visit him, what's his living situation like?

FiftyPenceWorth · 12/12/2024 05:13

However I can feel that he loves me, he tells me daily and communicates a lot. We're making plans for when DC go to uni.

Talk is cheap. What does he actually do to make you believe that he loves you?

Double life or not, this sounds like a very unfulfilling relationship.

username299 · 12/12/2024 05:14

It's not really a relationship is it. Where is it going? It's been four years and there are no plans to move nearer to each other?

You barely know each other. I'm wondering why you've been satisfied with scraps. He obviously doesn't want you involved with his life.

This is a fantasy built in your head. I don't know if he's leading a double life, but I know that relationships don't tread water for years with no progression.

You're at arms length and he's keeping you there. I would want more.

Petrasings · 12/12/2024 05:35

He is married.
Clear as day.
You are the other woman.

UninventiveName · 12/12/2024 05:35

I think you actually see each other quite a bit given how far you live from each other & have DC.
Have you been to his house? If not, I think this is very suspicious.
What about social media?
From what you’ve said it sounds like you are not his only relationship but there could be another explanation. I wouldn’t let this go on without some answers.

UninventiveName · 12/12/2024 05:38

username299 · 12/12/2024 05:14

It's not really a relationship is it. Where is it going? It's been four years and there are no plans to move nearer to each other?

You barely know each other. I'm wondering why you've been satisfied with scraps. He obviously doesn't want you involved with his life.

This is a fantasy built in your head. I don't know if he's leading a double life, but I know that relationships don't tread water for years with no progression.

You're at arms length and he's keeping you there. I would want more.

I don’t think you are wrong in a lot of ways but progression is hard with DC. Many on here say you shouldn’t disrupt your DCs life with a new relationship. Saying that though, I keep my dating radius to about half an hour for this very reason.

Pumpkinpie1 · 12/12/2024 05:45

He’s not a partner . He’s a boyfriend you hook up with when you are both free.
Is he married ?

username299 · 12/12/2024 05:46

UninventiveName · 12/12/2024 05:38

I don’t think you are wrong in a lot of ways but progression is hard with DC. Many on here say you shouldn’t disrupt your DCs life with a new relationship. Saying that though, I keep my dating radius to about half an hour for this very reason.

Show quote history

I can only speak from my own perspective. I wouldn't be happy in a relationship with someone that didn't let me into his life and there were only vague plans to be together some day.

IDespairOfTheHumanRace · 12/12/2024 06:25

All the signs point to him being married or 'coupled up' and you are just his side piece. Sorry.

RockingBeebo · 12/12/2024 06:30

I have been with my partner 3 years and he also lives 3.5 hours away. He mainly travels to me because I am a single parent and it's harder for me to get away. We see each other around 3 nights a fortnight so similar to you, and no plans to progress for years because of my son. I am happy with this level, like you we are making plans for the distant future and I feel loved.

The difference between us is - despite the distance and the fact that I can only visit him every 2-3 months - I have met his family, met a lot of his friends. They are mainly quite different from me and dare and I say a couple of his ex army friends are a bit racist which is not something I'm used to coming across. He hasn't hidden them away however. Knowing them has helped me understand my partner and his world and background. His friends and family are incredibly welcoming of me. It would be so easy for him to lead a double life but for three years there has never been a feeling that he is hiding anything or not being truthful about what he's up to.

I would hate knowing my partner in a vacuum after all this time. Is that what you need to start addressing? Insist on getting to know other people in his life? It would help you judge whether everything he has told you checks out. I don't think you can truly know someone without knowing the other people in their life.

Justleaveitblankthen · 12/12/2024 06:34

Anyone can be 'loving' for 24 hours when there is a meal/film/sex to look forward to.
Daily texts take seconds.

You have never been around him long enough to actually know him.

Guessing you have never had a holiday away away with him either.

He's just a FWB surely?

Bittenonce · 12/12/2024 06:40

I was with someone for 6 years - never acknowledged as partner to friends, family 'they would never accept cultural / age difference' etc.
During this time we were intensely close, shared everything together - just privately.
I was a mug to think it would ever change, unfortunately you are too: If you are a secret from his friends and family now, you always will be, you have to accept that although you are close, and in some ways he wants and needs you, his commitment to you is zero.
Combine that with his unavailability, never been away together, protective of his phone - you should not trust him as far as you could spit.
After 4 years it will not be easy - but the longer you go on, the longer and deeper the pain will be when you do see the truth clearly.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 12/12/2024 06:46

Sorry but it certainly looks like your his bit on the side.

Guavafish1 · 12/12/2024 06:52

You said your were happy with once a week meet ups and planned more commitment once kids are in uni.

clearly this set up no longer suits you. It’s unlikely he will change to accommodate you and I think it’s probably best to find someone that’s more likely to commit to you.

Guavafish1 · 12/12/2024 06:53

Also agree with other… sounds like he is married

Doggymummar · 12/12/2024 06:55

Yeah this is going nowhere

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