Is there any other explanation?

[Thisagain4]

Been with DP 4yrs long distance, live 3.5hrs drive apart, both with 1 child each. We see other once a week for 24hrs. Things have worked this way because we both have busy lives and we want to put our children first.
At 4yrs I haven't met any of his friends or family (he says they are racist)
Haven't met his DC (he says they won't take it well)
We haven't been away together
When I visited his city he was uncomfortable about pda
He rarely answers his phone in the evenings (says it's on charge on silent and he's usually way thing football with his dad)
He never spends more than 24hrs here.
We've never spent Xmas together because we want to spend it with our children.
He is very protective of his phone
He is never here for more than 24hrs
However I can feel that he loves me, he tells me daily and communicates a lot. We're making plans for when DC go to uni.
A few days ago he changed plans from going to my sisters for an early Xmas from overnight to a few hours. This was the straw that broke the camel's back because he didn't see me for my birthday last week and I exploded about how I'm fed up with this joke of a relationship and asked him if he has a double Info up where he is. His response was that nothing is going on, I'm just having my monthly meltdown and he has refused to engage since.
AIBU? Is that he's just a very private person or have I been a naive mug for 4 years?

@Thisagain4

Not gonna lie, I'm quite good at tracking, if you wanted to PM me some details, I'm happy to take on the challenge. (Understand if not)

You are his mistress!

No one is going to categorically answer this for you, I would say it sounds highly unlikely but the only way you will know for sure is to find out. You need to either find out, end it or accept you may be sleeping with someone in a relationship.

But honestly someone that doesn't want to integrate you into his life after 4 years, even if it was all innocent, why would you want to?

This may be a bit sneaky but when you are with him could you find his wallet and check the name on his cards in case he's given you a fake name.

@TiramisuThief

"No social media = he does, but you're blocked"

Not necessarily. My husband is only in Linkedin.

Yes but unless your husband hasn’t let you visit his home, meet his family or friends in 4 years and is unavailable to take calls at evenings and weekends it’s not comparable

Update: he hasn't responded to me since Tuesday and seems to be turning his phone off in the evenings. So that's that then. No answers and 4 years of my life gone and only a broken heart to show for it.

Sorry to hear you going through this OP. Cut your losses and focus on you and your daughter
Don't let the weasel back in.

I’m sorry to hear this. Remember you deserve better

I'd be tempted to join the local "are we dating the same guy" page for his local area.
You can post his photo, or even just his name & area.
Best thing is you can do it anonymously and you'll get feedback on whether he's married or dating anyone else etc

Your last questioning of him must have made him shit himself. It is inexcusable if you have a dp that they goes days without nc and not normal. My dp lives about an hour away, we have keys to each others house and prob speak 5 times on the phone a day ( I know it seems extreme but it’s just the way we are) unless we have events / meetings / busy but we still drop a text.
I am so sorry this has happened to you, it’s mad how men can lead these double lives. You trusted him enough to let him into your dd’s life. But it’s ok op, she’s got you, she will be fine and so will you. Trust is part of love, and when we chose to love there is always a risk of getting hurt somewhere down the line.

It’s not a relationship .
you hook up once a week. 4 years op
No Xmas together no chats at night he isn’t there for your birthday.

Seriously he is married !

He’s panicked as you asked did he lead a double life.
He probably can’t believe he got away with it for so long

Run. ASAP.

I wonder if you know his real name. I'm so sorry, OP. It's really terrible and I'm sorry you're heartbroken.

I was thinking the same thing

I think this is a firm lesson for op that going forward she must do her due diligence on the men she allows in her life, allowing this set up to continue for 4 months much less 4 years indicates to me a lack of self protection and boundaries.

He was allowed to operate in this way because op allowed it.
didnt ask more questions, complete any checks and balances and didn’t actually know him before he was allowed any access tnto her inner life that must be the lesson in all of this.i am not blaming you op for his shady behaviour, only suggesting far more could have been done, much earlier in the relationship to address these issues..

This reminds me that a very similar story was posted to a local Facebook page. Poor excuses as to why they couldn’t be together for any special events, he couldn’t text at night, she couldn’t find him on SM.

I remember because he used to be a PE teacher at my school and was sacked for meeting up with 15 year old girls and since nobody forgets these things they had a field day in the comments exposing him. He must have used a fake name because a quick Google brought up all of the old news reports shaming him.

Thank you ladies, especially a special Mumsnetter on this thread who helped reveal the truth 🤗 It's a mindfuck, I should be angry, but I'm sad! Like were those happy moments really happy moments? Because we were happy in that moment? 🤯 He has contacted me to speak. I think he knows I know. The only thing left now is to see how much of the truth he thinks I deserve.

@Thisagain4 so do you now know his identity and his real life set up?

Yes 😔

Regardless of what is going on, this relationship is not meeting your needs LTB…..

Oops sorry didn’t read all of thread to see things had shifted - take care

So is he married ?
I'm sorry op
These men are disgusting

I'm sorry, you don't deserve that. What a horrid little weasel.

Will you tell his wife/partner?

Oh bloody hell … the mums better who helped you must be a star. At least you know now, sad and upsetting as it is.