Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is there any other explanation?

392 replies

Thisagain4 · 12/12/2024 03:16

Been with DP 4yrs long distance, live 3.5hrs drive apart, both with 1 child each. We see other once a week for 24hrs. Things have worked this way because we both have busy lives and we want to put our children first.
At 4yrs I haven't met any of his friends or family (he says they are racist)
Haven't met his DC (he says they won't take it well)
We haven't been away together
When I visited his city he was uncomfortable about pda
He rarely answers his phone in the evenings (says it's on charge on silent and he's usually way thing football with his dad)
He never spends more than 24hrs here.
We've never spent Xmas together because we want to spend it with our children.
He is very protective of his phone
He is never here for more than 24hrs
However I can feel that he loves me, he tells me daily and communicates a lot. We're making plans for when DC go to uni.
A few days ago he changed plans from going to my sisters for an early Xmas from overnight to a few hours. This was the straw that broke the camel's back because he didn't see me for my birthday last week and I exploded about how I'm fed up with this joke of a relationship and asked him if he has a double Info up where he is. His response was that nothing is going on, I'm just having my monthly meltdown and he has refused to engage since.
AIBU? Is that he's just a very private person or have I been a naive mug for 4 years?

OP posts:
Bogeyes · 23/12/2024 11:28

If you are not happy...move on....

LimeYellow · 23/12/2024 11:29

Ebbyfroom · 23/12/2024 05:09

Hi OP, hope you have had a good sleep and are looking forward (as much as possible to Xmas)

Im not trying to throw a hand grenade in, but I wanted to make a suggestion as to how this has all panned out. This is sadly based upon my experience with a very similar man, who I never got a second thought could be capable of any of this.

When you text ‘the partner’ how sure are you it was actually her? Did you actually speak with her? In my situation, I was conversing with the ex partner by text - except it turned out I wasn’t.

The man had another sim with a different number he would text me on pretending to be his partner. The messages would be full of vitriol for me and confirm facts about our relationship (I too had believed him to be single). This served two purposes

  • it made me think his wife knew and so there was no reason for me to tell her
  • his wife seemed to know everything so it reflected on him that he had told her everything and reassured me that he was apologetic and wanted to make amends

But of course ‘she’ knew everything, because it was in fact him texting me purporting to be her. This gave him a vital insight into what I was thinking and an insurance policy that he was controlling the narrative.

Im putting it out there that if these conversations with his ex by text may not be as genuine as you think. Take a look at his style or texting, phrases he uses, punctuation and even where he puts capital letters. How similar is it to the texts you received from ‘the wife’?

He knows you’ve visited his parents and desperately doesn’t want you blowing up his life by telling his wife, so this is something he is more than capable of doing. By texting pretending to be her, it calms you down and ensures his daughter isn’t affected.

He can then cross reference conversations you’ve had with her (because he’s the one having both conversations). This man set up a fake profile and name and lived a lie for 4 years - this would be small currency for him to do something like this

Sending my love to you and your daughter this Xmas and wishing you both a happy day together

Oh my god @Ebbyfroom that is properly evil Angry

TwistedWonder · 23/12/2024 11:30

WalkingThroughTreacle · 23/12/2024 11:23

Oh the poor wee soul. Almost makes me want to give him a cuddle myself. He's the victim in all this clearly. Trapped in a loveless marriage with a ruthless wife willing to weaponize his child. What a crock of steaming poo. He's duped you into wasting 4 years of your life on relationship based entirely on lies and deceit. Stop falling for it.

Show quote history

Amazing how these lying cheating arseholes always have a sob story to make themselves the victim in the web of deception of their own making.

This guy was trawling dating apps with a fake name looking for a FWB, dragged it on fit 4 years probably not believing his luck that he was getting away with it and he still makes himself the poor innocent in this shit show.

It really does read like an episode of Catfish

ElaborateCushion · 24/12/2024 10:45

LimeYellow · 23/12/2024 11:29

Oh my god @Ebbyfroom that is properly evil Angry

Show quote history

As awful as it is, the thought had crossed my mind. It seemed to happen almost too quickly from "don't contact my wife" to "my wife knows everything".

I would try and message her on social media or send her a typed letter in the post that doesn't look "suspicious" enough that he might open it. Even if she doesn't see it, or doesn't see it now, you know you've sent it. Keep him blocked on everything and keep up the therapy and find your anger for this man.

He has lied and lied and lied and is still lying to not rock his steady little life. My bet is he'll pop up on another dating app before long too... arsehole.

Manypaws · 24/12/2024 11:34

His wife doesn't know jack shit

Ebbyfroom · 24/12/2024 13:11

ElaborateCushion · 24/12/2024 10:45

As awful as it is, the thought had crossed my mind. It seemed to happen almost too quickly from "don't contact my wife" to "my wife knows everything".

I would try and message her on social media or send her a typed letter in the post that doesn't look "suspicious" enough that he might open it. Even if she doesn't see it, or doesn't see it now, you know you've sent it. Keep him blocked on everything and keep up the therapy and find your anger for this man.

He has lied and lied and lied and is still lying to not rock his steady little life. My bet is he'll pop up on another dating app before long too... arsehole.

Show quote history

My prince would also text me screenshots of his own messages from ‘his wife’ full of anger and disgust about a text conversation she had just had to me.

obviously the screen shots turned out to be him texting himself from his other phone (saved as his wife’s name) but what it did was triangulate the conversations enough for me not to need to get in contact with his wife.

Its the actions of a desperate man not to lose his relationship so by calming the situation by pretending to be the wife, it brings an end to everything and you all move on.

That’s not to say he didn’t have genuine feelings for you, it just means he doesn’t want his life ruined.

These piece of shit men will do anything to retain their ‘primary’ you are just collateral to the whole situation- when this all happened to me it nearly sent me crazy, didn’t know what was real or not anymore.

It’s so good now to look back and think what a sad little loser, he was a fight not worth having

Ebbyfroom · 24/12/2024 13:17

I think if I had my time again with that POS I’d have text him one message saying that I know it is him texting pretending to be her and ill be deciding over Xmas what to do about it.

Then I’d have blocked him and let him sweat wondering if im going to turn up.

This would take back control and put the anxiety and fear where it should be, with him.

LushLemonTart · 24/12/2024 15:40

@Ebbyfroom how did you find out about his other phone?

Ebbyfroom · 24/12/2024 15:50

LushLemonTart · 24/12/2024 15:40

@Ebbyfroom how did you find out about his other phone?

When the poor wife found my ex husband on face book and messaged him - it quickly unravelled that none of it was true, and he admitted to making all of it up, including making his own divorce certificate. Freak.

LushLemonTart · 24/12/2024 16:21

@Ebbyfroom hope she dumped him

Ebbyfroom · 24/12/2024 16:30

LushLemonTart · 24/12/2024 16:21

@Ebbyfroom hope she dumped him

Nope! Still with him now, despite the fact he then had an affair with someone 25 years younger.

He contacts me occasionally but he gets short shrift

LushLemonTart · 25/12/2024 22:04

@Ebbyfroom more fool her.

Original poster
Thisagain4 · 19/01/2025 16:12

I just wanted to update everyone and thank you for all your advice and messages. Ive read them over and over again and they've helped me so much.
It's been almost 6 weeks from D-day and I still miss him and haven't quite found my anger(?!), but I can breathe now and accept that it could be for the best.
Many people have asked how I let it go on for 4 years. When we started it was December 2020, middle of lockdown and it was very casual. So the status quo had been established. He is a plumber and I am a doctor and I felt sorry for him working a hard manual job during the week and supposedly dedicated to his daughter every weekend. I don't work Tuesdays and he took all Tuesdays off to spend with me. My DD didn't want anyone moving in with me until she finished school, so the set up kind of suited me.
We have been in touch, and to be honest it's given me peace to say what I wanted to and ask what I wanted to (even though whether I got the truth was questionable)
The partner has apparently just had a 5min conversation with him saying she knows everything and that she'd speak to him when she's ready, but they seek to be carrying on as normal.
Just wanted to say a special thank you to @friendlycat for the advice/comments. x

OP posts:
Manypaws · 19/01/2025 16:15

I'm glad you are moving on OP, you deserve so much more than this x

AnonAnonmystery · 19/01/2025 16:23

Glad you got some closure .. was actually wondering how this ended the other day as you last posts leaned a bit towards you taking him back.

Original poster
Thisagain4 · 19/01/2025 16:42

And a special thanks to fellow Mumsnetter @rosalynd34 for the detective work! 🤗

OP posts:
friendlycat · 19/01/2025 23:37

I wish you well. You’re on the road to recovery but it’s all going to take a while. But please look into yourself as to why you accepted this situation.

You will have a decent future ahead in time. Good luck and I wish you the best for 2025. Xx

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread