Is there any other explanation?

[Thisagain4]

Been with DP 4yrs long distance, live 3.5hrs drive apart, both with 1 child each. We see other once a week for 24hrs. Things have worked this way because we both have busy lives and we want to put our children first.
At 4yrs I haven't met any of his friends or family (he says they are racist)
Haven't met his DC (he says they won't take it well)
We haven't been away together
When I visited his city he was uncomfortable about pda
He rarely answers his phone in the evenings (says it's on charge on silent and he's usually way thing football with his dad)
He never spends more than 24hrs here.
We've never spent Xmas together because we want to spend it with our children.
He is very protective of his phone
He is never here for more than 24hrs
However I can feel that he loves me, he tells me daily and communicates a lot. We're making plans for when DC go to uni.
A few days ago he changed plans from going to my sisters for an early Xmas from overnight to a few hours. This was the straw that broke the camel's back because he didn't see me for my birthday last week and I exploded about how I'm fed up with this joke of a relationship and asked him if he has a double Info up where he is. His response was that nothing is going on, I'm just having my monthly meltdown and he has refused to engage since.
AIBU? Is that he's just a very private person or have I been a naive mug for 4 years?

Mean my response in the kindest way but you are believing what you want to hear right now. He continues to feed you lies to keep you hooked and you don’t want to let go either.

Sorry OP but sounds like you’re still believing a proven liar’s gaslighting and still in denial about the absolute brazen dishonesty of this man. The bare faced nerve of him up turn himself into a victim who just fell in love - he’s pure scum.

He is still manipulating you with lies and you’re choosing not to see the reality that’s in front of your eyes.

Please wake up. This cheat has already taken enough years from you, don’t let him take any more.

Also you've now met his parents, who he told you are so racist he didn't want to introduce you.

You have met them now, in the course of unravelling his lies, and they were lovely to you.

What kind of a bloke tells people his parents are racist when they aren't?

A horribly manipulative arsehole. That kind of bloke.

I said to him, "so you're not separated", he tried to explain to me how they are essentially, but his partner doesn't know

What a horrible little man.

He's admitted to you then that they are not actually separated. He's said he 'essentially' considers himself to be but his partner 'doesn't know'.

The brass neck of him to say that with a straight face to someone he's been having an affair with for four years is almost impressive.

Let alone the fact he's convinced you he is the victim in this!

Please OP, don't let him steal more years of your life.

Reality check please. He went online with a fake name looking for casual sex under false pretenses. He found you, and realised that actually he could get away with having his cake and eating it because you believed his lies. Everything he said was a lie . Sure, he said the things you wanted to hear because it made him feel good that you liked this. He felt, was, loved. That feels good. F* knows what he’s spinning to his partner and parents while he’s still spinning this shit to you.
Im sorry to be rude and blunt, but you fear unless you block all contact and get help, this is going to mess your head beyond repair.

Edit: I’m sure there’s people on here who are so much better at practically helping you through this . Honestly I don’t know where to start. But as a man, I know men like this better than you do. You need to be away from them.

This isn't what happened and he didn't fall in love with you, he lied about everything

He wanted to cheat on his partner, the mother of his child and he used you to do it

It's nothing to do with losing his daughter

Oh no 😕

Best of luck @Thisagain4

I'm sorry. Bma do free counselling even go non members v quickly if it would help. I'm a Dr I'm London/Surrey if want a hug/my no to rant at, nights/insomnia mean I'm available most hrs

For god's sake @Thisagain4 - how are you even in a position where he's telling you what's happening in his life/relationship?

You need some therapy (and some self respect!).

I have my second therapy session tomorrow. Believe me, this would all be infinitely easier if I hated the man, but I love him the same now as I did I week ago 🤷🏻‍♀️I am just as incredulous/frustrated at my feelings as you all are.

Are you still in contact with him?

Really appreciate the reality check @Bittenonce

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

It might feel as if you love him, consider however that what you love is the idea of what you thought he was.

Remind yourself that isn't the real him, is it?

RIP off the plaster, actively stop yourself thinking of him. All the best.

Not anymore

So where did your update come from then? Because if definitely sounds like he’s told you what he wants you to hear about his partner and daughter

It’s it is early days and a difficult time of year to deal with heartbreak and feeling alone.
Stick with the therapy.

@Thisagain4 apologies for being patronising. I know it’s hard to reconcile how you feel when you’re with someone, with what they actually do. It messes your head, and it'll take time. Hope your therapy helps

I'm at my sister's now. We were supposed to be here together and this whole thing triggered because he changed the days/times he would be here a week ago.

Edit (again) : @Thisagain4 :
Happy Christmas

You’ve got to stop believing what he said to you and look at the facts. Facts don’t lie.

Decent men don’t go online under a false name when they have a partner and child.

He had four years to tell you the truth and didn’t. He had four years to decide to split with his partner and co parent and be with you and he didn’t. If he wanted to have been with you he would have. People do split up, get divorced etc and move on with new partners and lives.

Until you recognise the lies and the person you think you love isn’t real you will never move forward. Other people would have seen through the lies and lack of availability months into the relationship and called it a day. But the sad thing here is that you ignored all the warning signs and are still believing the lies even when confronted with the truth. At some point you just have to recognise that he lied to you from the beginning to the end.

Hi OP, hope you have had a good sleep and are looking forward (as much as possible to Xmas)

Im not trying to throw a hand grenade in, but I wanted to make a suggestion as to how this has all panned out. This is sadly based upon my experience with a very similar man, who I never got a second thought could be capable of any of this.

When you text ‘the partner’ how sure are you it was actually her? Did you actually speak with her? In my situation, I was conversing with the ex partner by text - except it turned out I wasn’t.

The man had another sim with a different number he would text me on pretending to be his partner. The messages would be full of vitriol for me and confirm facts about our relationship (I too had believed him to be single). This served two purposes

• it made me think his wife knew and so there was no reason for me to tell her
• his wife seemed to know everything so it reflected on him that he had told her everything and reassured me that he was apologetic and wanted to make amends

But of course ‘she’ knew everything, because it was in fact him texting me purporting to be her. This gave him a vital insight into what I was thinking and an insurance policy that he was controlling the narrative.

Im putting it out there that if these conversations with his ex by text may not be as genuine as you think. Take a look at his style or texting, phrases he uses, punctuation and even where he puts capital letters. How similar is it to the texts you received from ‘the wife’?

He knows you’ve visited his parents and desperately doesn’t want you blowing up his life by telling his wife, so this is something he is more than capable of doing. By texting pretending to be her, it calms you down and ensures his daughter isn’t affected.

He can then cross reference conversations you’ve had with her (because he’s the one having both conversations). This man set up a fake profile and name and lived a lie for 4 years - this would be small currency for him to do something like this

Sending my love to you and your daughter this Xmas and wishing you both a happy day together

OP, your most recent update suggests he’s still manipulating you. As previous posters have said, his wife is not the villain here.

There are some classic elements of DARVO here.

Come on OP.

Oh the poor wee soul. Almost makes me want to give him a cuddle myself. He's the victim in all this clearly. Trapped in a loveless marriage with a ruthless wife willing to weaponize his child. What a crock of steaming poo. He's duped you into wasting 4 years of your life on relationship based entirely on lies and deceit. Stop falling for it.