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Original poster

Is there any other explanation?

392 replies

Thisagain4 · 12/12/2024 03:16

Been with DP 4yrs long distance, live 3.5hrs drive apart, both with 1 child each. We see other once a week for 24hrs. Things have worked this way because we both have busy lives and we want to put our children first.
At 4yrs I haven't met any of his friends or family (he says they are racist)
Haven't met his DC (he says they won't take it well)
We haven't been away together
When I visited his city he was uncomfortable about pda
He rarely answers his phone in the evenings (says it's on charge on silent and he's usually way thing football with his dad)
He never spends more than 24hrs here.
We've never spent Xmas together because we want to spend it with our children.
He is very protective of his phone
He is never here for more than 24hrs
However I can feel that he loves me, he tells me daily and communicates a lot. We're making plans for when DC go to uni.
A few days ago he changed plans from going to my sisters for an early Xmas from overnight to a few hours. This was the straw that broke the camel's back because he didn't see me for my birthday last week and I exploded about how I'm fed up with this joke of a relationship and asked him if he has a double Info up where he is. His response was that nothing is going on, I'm just having my monthly meltdown and he has refused to engage since.
AIBU? Is that he's just a very private person or have I been a naive mug for 4 years?

OP posts:
HowardTJMoon · 12/12/2024 10:15

Have you ever been to his house?

Starlight1979 · 12/12/2024 10:16

He's married.

80s · 12/12/2024 10:18

Yes, I'd say you have been naive. Have you ever been in his home?

His response was that nothing is going on, I'm just having my monthly meltdown and he has refused to engage since.
This would be enough for me to end a relationship whatever else was going on. Minimising your feelings and blaming it on hysteria (in the old sense), gaslighting you by making out that this behaviour is not worth discussing (as if it was normal) and refusing to discuss an issue.

Sounds like he's also been lovebombing you by text?

user2848502016 · 12/12/2024 10:19

My guess would be he's married, sorry OP

Starlight1979 · 12/12/2024 10:23

AnarchismUK · 12/12/2024 07:41

If he's married, how do you think he is managing to get away for 24hours every week? Most wives would wonder where their DH is.
The not answering the phone in an evening would have pricked my ears up.

Years ago (in my early 20s) I was seeing someone who ended up being married and living a double a life. Obviously it was over as soon as I found out but he managed a year or so before he was caught.

And I saw him multiple times a week including weekends away and a holiday!

He worked in hospitality so would often work long hours and be away at conferences or on team building weekends (or so he told his wife). I found this out after it was all over and couldn't believe how well he lied to us both.

PeppyTealDuck · 12/12/2024 10:24

Even if he is not married, he isn’t that bothered and doesn’t want to see your more often than currently.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/12/2024 10:27

Your idea of smooth, beautiful and supportive differs from mine.

TwistedWonder · 12/12/2024 10:32

Starlight1979 · 12/12/2024 10:23

Years ago (in my early 20s) I was seeing someone who ended up being married and living a double a life. Obviously it was over as soon as I found out but he managed a year or so before he was caught.

And I saw him multiple times a week including weekends away and a holiday!

He worked in hospitality so would often work long hours and be away at conferences or on team building weekends (or so he told his wife). I found this out after it was all over and couldn't believe how well he lied to us both.

Show quote history

Many years ago (before mobile phones and the internet) a friend of my mums was with a man who worked offshore 2 weeks on 2 weeks off. So he was living with her for 2 weeks 24/7 then back to the North Sea for the next fortnight. On his 2 weeks onshore, he went into the companies London office most days for meetings etc. They had holidays abroad together, went away for weekends, lived a full life. He didn’t have children and both parents had passed.

Except this was all a lie. He had a wife, kids and perfectly alive parents in another town. His wife also believed the working offshore story. Except he’d stopped working on the oil rigs several years earlier and actually now worked for the company in their London office and was living a completely double life.

It sounds naive now but this was 30 years ago so we didn’t have SM back then and it was probably far easier to get away with it.

Mmhmmn · 12/12/2024 10:36

While I’d feel tempted to do a bit of spying on him, It doesn’t REALLY matter what he might be up to, does it?

The issue is, is this relationship working for you? Are you content with it? (No)
Is one day out of 7 enough or do you want more from a partner?

It sounds like you know the answers to those Qs You won’t meet anyone who represents a better future while still being in a relationship with this guy. I’m all for people doing what works for them in terms of relationship format but it doesn’t sound like it is really working for you. It sounds like scraps and crumbs.

Edenmum2 · 12/12/2024 10:38

Why are you with someone who has racist friends and family?

Starlight1979 · 12/12/2024 10:40

TwistedWonder · 12/12/2024 10:32

Many years ago (before mobile phones and the internet) a friend of my mums was with a man who worked offshore 2 weeks on 2 weeks off. So he was living with her for 2 weeks 24/7 then back to the North Sea for the next fortnight. On his 2 weeks onshore, he went into the companies London office most days for meetings etc. They had holidays abroad together, went away for weekends, lived a full life. He didn’t have children and both parents had passed.

Except this was all a lie. He had a wife, kids and perfectly alive parents in another town. His wife also believed the working offshore story. Except he’d stopped working on the oil rigs several years earlier and actually now worked for the company in their London office and was living a completely double life.

It sounds naive now but this was 30 years ago so we didn’t have SM back then and it was probably far easier to get away with it.

Show quote history

I believe it!

I think back now and think I was such a mug but in fairness it was about 20 years ago and Facebook was literally just getting off the ground. There was no way of tracking people down like there is now.

I was told I couldn't meet his family as they were still upset over his divorce and so we needed to leave it a while.

I did actually once stay at his parents house (which is where he claimed he lived) whilst they were on holiday.

I met a couple of his "friends" but turned out they were just work colleagues who didn't know his wife so didn't really have any loyalty to her (or him).

He even came to mine one Christmas Day with my family!!!! (I imagine he told his wife he had to work).

Honestly, I actually admire the dedication of these men - I struggle to manage my one life, never mind two 😂It's not even like it was just about sex, it was a proper relationship with everything that comes with it! How can they be arsed?!

allthatfalafel · 12/12/2024 10:48

Starlight1979 · 12/12/2024 10:40

I believe it!

I think back now and think I was such a mug but in fairness it was about 20 years ago and Facebook was literally just getting off the ground. There was no way of tracking people down like there is now.

I was told I couldn't meet his family as they were still upset over his divorce and so we needed to leave it a while.

I did actually once stay at his parents house (which is where he claimed he lived) whilst they were on holiday.

I met a couple of his "friends" but turned out they were just work colleagues who didn't know his wife so didn't really have any loyalty to her (or him).

He even came to mine one Christmas Day with my family!!!! (I imagine he told his wife he had to work).

Honestly, I actually admire the dedication of these men - I struggle to manage my one life, never mind two 😂It's not even like it was just about sex, it was a proper relationship with everything that comes with it! How can they be arsed?!

Show quote history

Even with social media I don't think it's impossible, just have 2 accounts, one for each life, and be careful what you share/have visible.

MessyNeate · 12/12/2024 10:51

Similar to a previous poster

I was in a long distance relationship for 3 years. I went there (4 hours away) he came here. Often would surprise me and turn up here the day before I was due to go to see him.

We would video call all day long whilst he worked. Text in the evenings and he would call me before bed etc. when apart, we swapped presents etc, we never did Christmas together because of work/kids but did do birthdays together,

The only difference being I did meet his parents and his dad used to cover him at work when I was up there with him for the weekend.

Social media was about. He told me he never bothered with it (apart from instagram we we had each other on)

Turns out he was married. For a long time. So quite shocking his parents were helping him too! We were mid plans of him moving this way and moving in together.

I ended it the day I found out. It broke me for a while. I wish I'd told his wife though

Original poster
Thisagain4 · 12/12/2024 10:55

Thank you for the responses ladies. I don't know how it went this long without me twigging! I suppose it was boiling frog syndrome, I let little things slide as they came up and before I knew it, I'm here. And I love him and desperately wanted to believe him.

No he's not on any social media. I've never been to his home because he lives with his parents so we stayed in an airbnb when I went to visit.

OP posts:
Startinganew32 · 12/12/2024 11:00

Very odd that he won’t introduce you to family and friends. Are you a different race to him that would explain how they would react? It doesn’t bode well for the future does it. Plus how old is his DC if they can’t handle him being in a relationship after four years?

TwistedWonder · 12/12/2024 11:02

Thisagain4 · 12/12/2024 10:55

Thank you for the responses ladies. I don't know how it went this long without me twigging! I suppose it was boiling frog syndrome, I let little things slide as they came up and before I knew it, I'm here. And I love him and desperately wanted to believe him.

No he's not on any social media. I've never been to his home because he lives with his parents so we stayed in an airbnb when I went to visit.

You’ve been ridiculously naive OP. If course he doesn’t live with his parents. He almost certainly lives with another woman - and his kids probably.

Do you actually know he even lives on the town he’s told you he does?

Sadly you’ve wasted 4 years of your life being the casual side chick to a lying cheat

Please tell us you’ve dumped his lying arse.

HowardTJMoon · 12/12/2024 11:02

I'm really sorry OP but unless it turns out that he's an international spy or something, you're the bit on the side.

User364837 · 12/12/2024 11:10

On the one hand -

it’s not working for you, you want more out of a relationship, doesn’t matter whether he’s leading a double life or not; end it because it’s not giving you what you need.

on the other hand -

I would be super curious. Do you have his address? I would check online 192, land registry etc as to who lives there and who owns it. I would double check social media, his local selling groups etc.
I might even go and take a look at the house if you have his address.
if he won’t give you his address, why not? You might want to post a card or Christmas present to his home address.
would do some sleuthing if I were you!

BettyBardMacDonald · 12/12/2024 11:15

He sounds married. 💐

CookieMonster28 · 12/12/2024 11:17

This is beyond fishy!

Sassybooklover · 12/12/2024 11:22

Have you been to his home? What exactly do you know about him?! You've never met his family or friends in 4 years!! Do you know his address? Where he works? These all normal things, that someone in a 4 year relationship would know. He always (or 9 times out if 10) visits you? I don't see a private man, I see a man who potentially is married/long-term partner and can only get away for 24 hours every so often. Possibly tells his wife, he's on a 'business trip'. You need to do some digging!

RubyRedBow · 12/12/2024 11:23

I’ve just re read this…

FOUR YEARS!! This is crazy and he’s ticking every box that he’s married.

The kids are nothing but an easy excuse that he knows you can’t argue with. In all these years he’s never had a weekend or a few days away from them? Of course he would have if he is single as they would be spending chunks of time with mum. The plans for after uni is how long away? They are probably never going to happen either but he needs to keep up the false hope.

Guessing he’s good at communication during working hours? The red flags are mounting.

anothermnuser123 · 12/12/2024 11:27

Thisagain4 · 12/12/2024 10:55

Thank you for the responses ladies. I don't know how it went this long without me twigging! I suppose it was boiling frog syndrome, I let little things slide as they came up and before I knew it, I'm here. And I love him and desperately wanted to believe him.

No he's not on any social media. I've never been to his home because he lives with his parents so we stayed in an airbnb when I went to visit.

So you have never been to his home, met a single person in his life and supposedly doesnt have social media. My bet is he very much has social media but it shows he is married.

After 4 years I think you are naive for this to have only just registered but I would put money on him either being married or in a long term relationship and you are the bit on the side. He is far too invested in keeping you secret.

RubyRedBow · 12/12/2024 11:27

AnarchismUK · 12/12/2024 07:41

If he's married, how do you think he is managing to get away for 24hours every week? Most wives would wonder where their DH is.
The not answering the phone in an evening would have pricked my ears up.

I have quite a few friends who have to work away from home at least 1-2 days per week where staying over is normal and wouldn’t be questioned.

BurgundyBear · 12/12/2024 11:32

Not being to his home / living with his parents, no social media, and the phone charging in the evening / on silent just ring huge ‘I’m married’ alarm bells.
Then there’s the ‘monthly meltdown’ comment.
If you really want to know I’d be inclined to do some digging.
But all the signs are there.

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