Is there any other explanation?

[Thisagain4]

Been with DP 4yrs long distance, live 3.5hrs drive apart, both with 1 child each. We see other once a week for 24hrs. Things have worked this way because we both have busy lives and we want to put our children first.
At 4yrs I haven't met any of his friends or family (he says they are racist)
Haven't met his DC (he says they won't take it well)
We haven't been away together
When I visited his city he was uncomfortable about pda
He rarely answers his phone in the evenings (says it's on charge on silent and he's usually way thing football with his dad)
He never spends more than 24hrs here.
We've never spent Xmas together because we want to spend it with our children.
He is very protective of his phone
He is never here for more than 24hrs
However I can feel that he loves me, he tells me daily and communicates a lot. We're making plans for when DC go to uni.
A few days ago he changed plans from going to my sisters for an early Xmas from overnight to a few hours. This was the straw that broke the camel's back because he didn't see me for my birthday last week and I exploded about how I'm fed up with this joke of a relationship and asked him if he has a double Info up where he is. His response was that nothing is going on, I'm just having my monthly meltdown and he has refused to engage since.
AIBU? Is that he's just a very private person or have I been a naive mug for 4 years?

Of course he's married! How can you not see this...you cannot be so naive OP!

Apologies if I'm coming across as a little obtuse, I feel a bit disorientated and the denial pops up ever so often. It's a lot to process. I wish I could post a name so someone could confirm things for me, but I suppose it doesn't really matter now. My daughter loved him 🥺

You've been together four years and you've never met his family, his child or his friends and you've never been to his house? Oh and he can never stay for longer than 24 hours? Hmmm. I'd think he's hiding something!

You can DM someone his name if you want and they can help you snoop

Though not me as I am terrible at it!

Can’t you do your own snooping.
“Carl smith 192.com” and you might find him on the electoral roll. What job does he do? Look for “Carl Smith software engineer” and you might get a LinkedIn profile. Reverse image search him. Search the name of his home town so “Carl Smith Manchester”.

No

Sounds married to me!
He's either a married twat, or just a twat. Either way the relationship sounds from your description like it is a convenient physical one and unlikely to progress beyond these visits.
Sorry, but you are wasting your time.

Done all this, nothing

Is it even his real name? And does he even live where he said he does?

How on earth have you kept this going for 4 years - it’s a weekly hook up not a relationship.

Have you asked him about these concerns?

Then I’d venture that he’s using a different name with you. Could also explain why you’ve met none of his friends as they all know him as Bob when you know him as John. Have you seen any of his cards or passport or drivers licence? It’s really quite odd for someone to have zero internet presence. But I guess if he works a non-professional job like working in a shop or something then he might not.
Im not traceable on Facebook as I have just my first name and an initial but if you google me you will see my LinkedIn, professional profile, Instagram and loads of other stuff.

Potentially a false name then if absolutely nothing is coming up. What is his career? I would say almost 100% certain he has another life, but also - even if he doesn't, he's incredible dismissive of you and your feelings, how dare he say you're 'having your monthly meltdown' what the fuck?

@RubyRedBow She says that in the OP! He was rude and dismissive.

Oh sorry. I didn’t recall that part.

Try doing a reverse image search with his photos see what comes up

Join his areas are we dating the same guy fb page and see if anyone knows who he is

There are some tech savvy posters on here who would be able to find him online. Very odd to have no presence at all. Especially when you have been compartmentalised to this extent. I’m not huge on SM but you would find me and you would have met my family/friends etc.

Reverse image searches. Do you know his parents address? Land registry search.

Is there a photo that he uses? Reverse image search is.

Where does he work? Have you checked?

Personally I’d hire a PI and have him followed.

As for the monthly meltdown - that shows his shit attitude towards women. He’s not a keeper.

I don't personally see how there can be lots of love and support between you two when he says you're "having one of your monthly meltdowns". Pig.

If you've searched online and nothing is coming up, then either he really does have no online presence (odd in this day and age!) or he's possibly using a different name or variant. Have you seen a driving licence in his wallet or bank card with his name on?! These would have to be in his real name. What personal details do you know? For example date of birth? Where was he born? Does he have a middle name? You can search for a birth record in Genes Reunited or Ancestry without being a member. It would mean you at least have a correct name. Marriage records are available up to 2006. Anything after this, you can't find online. If you want some help, then happy too. His name wouldn't go any further. These details are all things, a person in a relationship of 4 years would have been told. Most liars tell half truths - so he might say his name is John but it's actually Jonathan. So there will elements of truth but not completely.

Do you have any photos of him OP?

@Thisagain4

A later poster says "we are not detectives" but if you share the concerns on here [married for example] you can - if concerned - do a lot of digging for little cost over the internet. Many interesting documents can be accessed. Electoral roll, property Land Registry deeds and so on.

I note that @Sassybooklover has posted something along those lines too; more detail!

At this point I wouldn’t believe you have his real name. Someone once gave me a fake name but during the first date he told me and showed me his driving licence to prove it was correct so I wouldn’t be surprised if some never said anything and kept up the pretence.

I think if he drives the best thing would be to take a note of his car reg and get some info from that.

If you can't find anything about him online is there a chance that he's lied to you about his name? Have you seen letters at his house or a driving license? I know that's a pretty crazy accusation and I'm really sorry that you're going through this.

I'm sorry OP, but the absence of any sort of online presence does sound really iffy and not meeting his friends?? Very sus.

I'd be minded to try and have a snoop if you do see him again. Look in his wallet for a bank card or driving licence.

That said, his "monthly meltdown" comment alone would have me reconsidering the relationship. Gaslighting red flags!

@Sassybooklover and @Thelittleweasel pm'd you.