Is there any other explanation?

[Thisagain4]

Been with DP 4yrs long distance, live 3.5hrs drive apart, both with 1 child each. We see other once a week for 24hrs. Things have worked this way because we both have busy lives and we want to put our children first.
At 4yrs I haven't met any of his friends or family (he says they are racist)
Haven't met his DC (he says they won't take it well)
We haven't been away together
When I visited his city he was uncomfortable about pda
He rarely answers his phone in the evenings (says it's on charge on silent and he's usually way thing football with his dad)
He never spends more than 24hrs here.
We've never spent Xmas together because we want to spend it with our children.
He is very protective of his phone
He is never here for more than 24hrs
However I can feel that he loves me, he tells me daily and communicates a lot. We're making plans for when DC go to uni.
A few days ago he changed plans from going to my sisters for an early Xmas from overnight to a few hours. This was the straw that broke the camel's back because he didn't see me for my birthday last week and I exploded about how I'm fed up with this joke of a relationship and asked him if he has a double Info up where he is. His response was that nothing is going on, I'm just having my monthly meltdown and he has refused to engage since.
AIBU? Is that he's just a very private person or have I been a naive mug for 4 years?

It’s probably hard to do any digging when you have no idea where he lives and he doesn’t have social media. He probably does under a different name or you are blocked by him - You could always make a new fake account to search for him or search for his mobile number and see if anything comes up but at this point is it worth it?

He is married or you are just a fuckbuddy, sorry to say

@Thisagain4

"Every other aspect of the relationship is beautiful and smooth sailing with lots of laughs and support."

What? There is no other aspect to the relationship. He's obviously married or at least in another committed relationship. You're his bit on the side - but to be honest you're barely even that!

Oh come on, OP 🤦🏼‍♀️

yes 100% married, sorry OP.

Oh come on now, OP - he’s very obviously married or something. From my experience of an ex-husband who turned out to have multiple mistresses on the go - cheaters are excellent liars and good at picking affair partners (even if they’re unaware) who are willing to accept the bare minimum and happy for whatever they get. So they pick other women who are easy to string along and fob off - it’s all about massaging their egos. But four years?! That’s a hell of a long time to accept so little in terms of a ‘relationship’. Even if he isn’t married/partnered, then surely you deserve so much better and so much more?

😢 I know it looks bad, but is there a chance he could just be a very private person? There was real love there. From both sides.

Have you tried image searching him?

Do you know his real name? Have you searched that?

But why is he friends with racist people? Surely that’s a red flag. Okay his family might be racist twats but his friends too? And I do find it weird that in four years he hasn’t told his child that he has a girlfriend. How old is the child?

No. If someone loved you they wouldn't do this to you for 4 years. You have no financial ties and no kids with him. End it.

It's his parents that he says are racist, not his friends

So why can’t you meet the friends? Has he met your friends? Your child? Your parents?

It could be that he’s private and actually not very bothered about a serious relationship. He might not be married but if he’s not then that’s not great either because it suggests he doesn’t care very much about you.

Also why is this presumably almost middle aged man living with his racist parents instead of getting a place of his own?

He's married.

He’s either a severe avoidant or his married

Oh come on open your eyes and stop ignoring more red flags than a communist party rally.

I think it highly unlikely that he is a "private person". This whole relationship sounds alarm bells. I personally wouldn't have agreed to this odd arrangement for 4 years to be honest either...I know that you don't want to hear this (and I'm sorry!), but this deal doesn't at all sound like a committed relationship. You make your own choices in life, but if you want advice, if I were in your position I would tell him that you want to take a few days leave from work to go stay with him for a change. His reaction will tell you all that you need to know. 🌸

I can't see anyway that he isn't married.
HOWEVER....taking at face value what he says.
After four years, the fact he won't confront his parents and introduce you, because they're racist and he won't introduce his kids because they wouldn't respond well - says he's both weak and/ or not committed enough to you to stand up for you and be proud of his relationship. That'd be enough for me to end it.

@Thisagain4 think you are clutching at straws here as understandably you love him.

Test him - tell him you want a face time in the evening and you want a tour of his house and to chat to him on his bedroom ( if he’s so scared of his parents then I am sure they won’t be spying on him in his bedroom) .

100% you're the side chick

No social media = he does, but you're blocked
Haven't met his friends/his family/been to his house = he's in a relationship and he would be rumbled immediately
You only see him once a week = the only time he can get away from home
Doesn't answer the phone in the evening = with his real family

Tell him you have got someone to look after your DC at the weekend and you can stay with him from Friday to Monday, even if you are staying in a hotel as you are not allowed to stay at his parents. How would he react? Of course you don't have to arrange this, it's just to see his reaction.

He is clearly a misogynist as well as a cheat with your "usual monthly meltdown" nonsense.

This is not a relationship of any real meaning.

He might love you but that is irrelevant as it's going nowhere.

I wish people would post names as we might know him. He could be someone's husband. Someone helping you might be his partner.

It would be interesting to see what he does when you tell him it's over. You should btw.

No.

You haven’t been living in reality, it’s not real life. You only get the best part of each other in those 24hours because there’s probably no outside factors involved.

Why would you even want a man who keeps you a secret? He doesn’t even bother to speak to you on an evening.

What other aspects?
I think he's married.

He has the perfect setup.

He is married, that is clear.

But hun, why have you gone 4 years with so little?

Anyone who tells you these things, such as his parents are racists, that he lives with them etc, its a tactic he has to use in order to protect himself so that you dont find out about his other life. They are huge red flags.

Does he even live that far away?

Do you know who you are sleeping with?

He is a good liar, that is evident.

You clearly are a very nice individual who believes the good in people, and take them at face value. But this man is playing you. He is a good liar who has no intention to take things further with you, not even when his so called children go to uni.
He will speak beautifully to you, he has to in order to play this double life, and get the very best from you ones a week.

His only intention is to keep you as far away from his personal life as possible, this is to protect himself, and his wife not finding out. He has been lying to her too, probably telling her he has work commitments in ex town, ones weekly. And here is another blow, you are probably not the only one either.

Of course there’s a chance, only he knows. If he wants to keep you he needs to prove that.