Is there any other explanation?

[Thisagain4]

Been with DP 4yrs long distance, live 3.5hrs drive apart, both with 1 child each. We see other once a week for 24hrs. Things have worked this way because we both have busy lives and we want to put our children first.
At 4yrs I haven't met any of his friends or family (he says they are racist)
Haven't met his DC (he says they won't take it well)
We haven't been away together
When I visited his city he was uncomfortable about pda
He rarely answers his phone in the evenings (says it's on charge on silent and he's usually way thing football with his dad)
He never spends more than 24hrs here.
We've never spent Xmas together because we want to spend it with our children.
He is very protective of his phone
He is never here for more than 24hrs
However I can feel that he loves me, he tells me daily and communicates a lot. We're making plans for when DC go to uni.
A few days ago he changed plans from going to my sisters for an early Xmas from overnight to a few hours. This was the straw that broke the camel's back because he didn't see me for my birthday last week and I exploded about how I'm fed up with this joke of a relationship and asked him if he has a double Info up where he is. His response was that nothing is going on, I'm just having my monthly meltdown and he has refused to engage since.
AIBU? Is that he's just a very private person or have I been a naive mug for 4 years?

He's married.

What bloke in their right mind would say "you can't meet my mates because they're racist?" - one who's hiding something worst.

If he wanted to, he would OP. And he obviously doesn't want to.

You’re the OW.

Question is though, why have you never questioned this before?

Did you really not know/think he was married or did you hope that if you stuck around things might change?

It's not about the actual number of hours you are together that matters so much as how far he has let you into his life. If he were proud of you he would want to introduce you to at least the adults in his life.

Sorry, what you have with him isn't that.

It's entirely reasonable for you to decide that this is no longer enough for you. Important to make it your own choice a the. To keep yourself busy with real life to stop you from continuing to yearn for him. All the best.

We are not detectives. We have no idea if he is in another relationship or not.

The key issue is that you are not happy with things as they are. If your relationship is to have any future you’ll have to talk to him about the things you are uncomfortable with. All successful relationships work like that. Tell him what is making you feel unhappy and see if he is willing to compromise. If he isn’t, then the relationship is over.

It’s taken four years to question this? This is not a relationship op, at least not the one you might think it is. This is a shag once in a while, while he continues his actual life, probably with a wife. Sorry op, but end this farce and move on.

Blimey, he's blatantly married.

Can't believe you've accepted this for 4 years

I get prioritising the kids but 4 years in not meeting friends because they are racist?? Why's he hang out with them then? Are you a different race to him? Wtf? Have you been to his house? Something is off. Whether he's with someone else or he's got multiple lives going on or he's just happy with keeping things at arms length, it's clearly not a relationship that's working for you

192.com. Start searching.

How can it be? You see him the bare minimum amount of time and real life isn’t involved.

Doesn’t sound good to me

If he's married, how do you think he is managing to get away for 24hours every week? Most wives would wonder where their DH is.
The not answering the phone in an evening would have pricked my ears up.

I’ve been in a similar situation being kept away from family and children, no overnights, no trips away, no commitment. Texts take no time at all and phone calls are not a huge demand when you care. Listen to your gut - is it enough? Do you deserve more? I know couples who waited until children were at uni to progress a relationship but it was mutual and open, whereas your current situation sounds quite secretive.

Not answering his phone ever in the evening sounds a bit suspicious. Surely if you’ve done it a few times he’d have the sense to not have his phone on silent.

You also mention racism so take it you are both from different cultures - this really should not matter in this day and age.

How old is his DC and is he the full time carer? If so, who is meant to be looking after them? Does he always come to you / do you stay in a hotel?

He sounds guarded at best.

It does sound like he's married. His child won't take meeting you well because he's still with their mum. His friends aren't racist, they're his wife's friends too.

Yeah, it doesn't sound good I'm afraid. I'd be doing some detective work.

Think I would discreetly park up in my car a few doors away from his at a weekend and watch him as he goes from/to his house with his wife and kids, and there OP you'll have your answer!

Actions speak louder than words op.

It’s not working for you, OP, so does it really matter? End it and find someone available, who has more space for you.

How on earth have you tolerated this fur 4 years without question.
I get LD isn’t easy especially with kids but youre being thrown a few crumbs once a week and leafing completely separate lives

Theres obviously something you aren’t being told but whether that’s a wife, partner or he’s multi dating locally only he knows.

Engineer a shopping trip to his town one week end.... Bet you see him out with his family..

Have you ever been into his house? It sounds very much as if he's a married man and has 24 hours a week when he can get away.

How old are the kids?

You don't see each other much as it's not fair on the kids (under 10 maybe) but they you talk about when they start uni (so 15 onwards) ?

His friends are racist? And he's ok with that and hasn't ditched them? What other questionable attitudes does he have?

And what does he mean by "monthly meltdown". If that's a reference to you tackling his poor behaviour being down to you being 'unreasonable' because you're on your period, that's a highly misogynistic and dismissive thing to say.

Racist, misogynistic, secretive... is he really such a good catch?

All his friends and family are racists? Just that on its own is a dealbreaker for most people.

It's not really a relationship, whatever else is going on.

If you truly only have 24 hours in every 7 days together, I kind of agree with him that I wouldn’t want to spend it with friends instead of just the 2 of us.

But in a real relationship, over 4 years time, I would expect to be better integrated into his life, meeting children, doing things as a family, attending a family wedding or party together or a friend’s birthday.

I really hope you are regularly going to his house and know he lives on his own.