Page 9 | AIBU to not want partners dog to move in too?

unclemtty · 09/12/2024 23:29

The reason the dog hasn't been discussed much is because she's (rightly) assumed as you know she has a dog, that the dog will be moving in too.

You need your grow up and stop wasting her time if the dog's a deal breaker, it's manipulative and deceptive not to address the subject if it's such a problem for you.

I hope you do, it's not fair to lie to someone like you are. Yes avoid the subject is lying because you are allowing her to think all is ok when clearly it's not going to be.

TheMixedGirl · 09/12/2024 23:29

I think you all need to spend time together. If your son wants a pet this could be perfect. Do a nice easy day out. You may enjoy having the dog around. Lots of people aren't keen on dogs but they love their partners dog or the family dog. Give it a go before moving in.

SnackQueen · 09/12/2024 23:31

Yeah my vote is for the dog.

Original poster

Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 23:44

unclemtty · 09/12/2024 23:29

The reason the dog hasn't been discussed much is because she's (rightly) assumed as you know she has a dog, that the dog will be moving in too.

You need your grow up and stop wasting her time if the dog's a deal breaker, it's manipulative and deceptive not to address the subject if it's such a problem for you.

I hope you do, it's not fair to lie to someone like you are. Yes avoid the subject is lying because you are allowing her to think all is ok when clearly it's not going to be.

Literally only came into my head today so nothing manipulative or deceptive about it. Aren’t you a ray of sunshine…thoughts are with you husband

OP posts:

DormantMouse · 10/12/2024 00:19

I understand OP. I could never live with a dog.

flashspeed · 10/12/2024 01:24

You have a whole mini human to another woman but you begrudge her a dog 😱

beenwhereyouare · 10/12/2024 06:23

Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 13:52

Maybe I am being unreasonable but would appreciate some perspective.
I’ve been with my partner for 2 years and we are hoping that in next year or 2 she will move in with me and my 6 year old son.
we have a great relationship and things are going well and I really believe we have a good future ahead.
she has a dog that she loves dearly. At the minute she is living with her sister who looks after the dog when girlfriend is at my house.
when we talk about the future it is so exciting but know she will expect that the dog comes too, it’s like her baby.

i am really not a dog person, in fact I’m a bit afraid of animals but especially dogs. I’ve met the dog once or twice just and it does seem a nice pet. I have just never wanted a pet and definitely not a dog that sits up on the couch and on the bed etc. my son has asked many times for a pet and he has been told no to a dog or cat. I know plenty of people love animals but I just don’t and am a bit OTT with cleaning and I feel like it would just add to my stress about that too. Now I know if girlfriend moved in she would do al the looking after. But the thought of a dog roaming by house all day while we are out at work really is a nightmare to me. I’m sorry if that offends anyone but we never had pets growing up or anything. it’s my house that I own and she would be moving in with me.

Aibu to say I wouldn’t want the dog to stay?I do think she would be very upset about this and has talked about days out with the dog etc and my son (and hopefully a future child too). I care about her a lot but I really feel like as it’s my home and my son I should do what I feel make comfortable doing.

i don’t think there is the option of her sister keeping the dog long term. I also feel this could be a sticking point to my partner moving in but I really am getting so stressed thinking about it

You mention having a child with her but how will that work if you live separately?

TBH, you owe it to yourself to seek treatment for the animal phobia. I say phobia because the way you describe your feelings makes it obvious that this isn't just "I'm not a dog person."

With help, you may lose your fear of being around animals. It doesn't mean you'll suddenly become an animal lover, but at least it may keep you from passing the fear on to your son.

I'm serious. I knew a woman so terrified of spiders that she wrecked her car (her child was with her) and died of her injuries. Her son survived with a broken arm, and too much trauma for any child to bear.

Your son deserves to live without that fear, and so do you. Your girlfriend deserves the entire truth from you as well.

Good luck.

Oreyt · 10/12/2024 06:41

flashspeed · 10/12/2024 01:24

You have a whole mini human to another woman but you begrudge her a dog 😱

Why do people keep saying she's a man?

Startinganew32 · 10/12/2024 07:10

Oreyt · 10/12/2024 06:41

Why do people keep saying she's a man?

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Well she might have had her son with another woman.

Oreyt · 10/12/2024 07:27

Sure but that's not what people mean is it?

Original poster

Seeker42 · 10/12/2024 08:10

flashspeed · 10/12/2024 01:24

You have a whole mini human to another woman but you begrudge her a dog 😱

thats news to me 😳

OP posts:

Original poster

Seeker42 · 10/12/2024 08:14

beenwhereyouare · 10/12/2024 06:23

You mention having a child with her but how will that work if you live separately?

TBH, you owe it to yourself to seek treatment for the animal phobia. I say phobia because the way you describe your feelings makes it obvious that this isn't just "I'm not a dog person."

With help, you may lose your fear of being around animals. It doesn't mean you'll suddenly become an animal lover, but at least it may keep you from passing the fear on to your son.

I'm serious. I knew a woman so terrified of spiders that she wrecked her car (her child was with her) and died of her injuries. Her son survived with a broken arm, and too much trauma for any child to bear.

Your son deserves to live without that fear, and so do you. Your girlfriend deserves the entire truth from you as well.

Good luck.

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Thanks- there genuinely is a fear of dogs and then also the cleanliness thing. I’ve actually got a lot better with animals since I had my son, before that I would have crossed roads etc if a dog came but now I can walk past them at least.

if we life apart then we won’t have more children, that’s not what I want

OP posts:

Startinganew32 · 10/12/2024 08:18

Seeker42 · 10/12/2024 08:14

Thanks- there genuinely is a fear of dogs and then also the cleanliness thing. I’ve actually got a lot better with animals since I had my son, before that I would have crossed roads etc if a dog came but now I can walk past them at least.

if we life apart then we won’t have more children, that’s not what I want

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Okay so you actually have a phobia of dogs? You should have said that in the opening post as the responses would have been more sympathetic I think. Then it’s very unlikely that you will be able to live with your partner unless you get some counselling for it (which I would consider, seeing as your son would like a pet). You should tell your partner that as well as she might feel strung along otherwise.

Does your partner have any plans or means to buy a place?

Original poster

Seeker42 · 10/12/2024 08:28

Startinganew32 · 10/12/2024 08:18

Okay so you actually have a phobia of dogs? You should have said that in the opening post as the responses would have been more sympathetic I think. Then it’s very unlikely that you will be able to live with your partner unless you get some counselling for it (which I would consider, seeing as your son would like a pet). You should tell your partner that as well as she might feel strung along otherwise.

Does your partner have any plans or means to buy a place?

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No she doesn’t at this stage, she rented with an ex prior to their break up and has lived with family since

OP posts:

Mumlaplomb · 10/12/2024 08:36

OP you have been given a hard time here by the pet lovers of mumsnet. I know afew people who are scared of dogs and not everyone is a dog lover. Yes it is ok to say no dogs in my house, but this should have been said when you first started talking about her moving in.
I wonder if your girlfriends sister would like to keeep the dog, I expect she and her family are bonded to it now as they’ve had it in their home for a long time and clearly care for it while your GF is visiting you. That may be the answer here. Your GF could visit the dog and the dog will perhaps be happier there.

GreenEggs483 · 10/12/2024 08:37

I commented earlier, but I will say again, you just need to have a chat about what moving in would look like for both of you.
Sometimes posters just ask questions to help inform their answer.
In answer to your original question, it's not unreasonable to not want the dog in your home, but your partner might find it unreasonable, so that's your starting point.
A full and frank discussion around how you're really going to get to know each other - before she moves in - unless it's possible for her to keep ( or save for) alternative housing for if your relationship doesn't work out.

ThereIsALifeOutThere · 10/12/2024 13:05

Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 23:44

Literally only came into my head today so nothing manipulative or deceptive about it. Aren’t you a ray of sunshine…thoughts are with you husband

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I think the fact you’ve only realised it could be an issue today is an issue in itself tbh.

Your DP is an animal/dog lover. Its part of who she is just as much as you are very fearful of dogs.
It feels like you either have put your head in the sand or simply haven’t seen the whole of her yet. Not going much to her place and seeing her in her own environment with the dog wont have helped.

im really 🤪🤪 that neither of you have broached that subject tbh.
(because clearly it should have been in her mind too - her love for the dog vs your fear)

ThereIsALifeOutThere · 10/12/2024 13:10

Another comment from me is that I wouldn’t assume.
So far you’ve assumed that you won’t be moving in together. You’ve assumed you’ll live separately and you’ve assume this means the end of the relationship because you want another child.

And yet, you haven’t talked to her yet!!

A good starting point should be ‘how will living together look like’, from the dog to finances to chores or your respective levels of tidiness.
It could look like you trying to let’s say hypnotherapy to get over your fear. Or meeting the dog up properly. It could look like the dog staying with your DP’s sister.nit could look like being together apart from a couple more years, with her living closer.

Instead it feels like you’ve given up tbh,