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Original poster

AIBU to not want partners dog to move in too?

218 replies

Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 13:52

Maybe I am being unreasonable but would appreciate some perspective.
I’ve been with my partner for 2 years and we are hoping that in next year or 2 she will move in with me and my 6 year old son.
we have a great relationship and things are going well and I really believe we have a good future ahead.
she has a dog that she loves dearly. At the minute she is living with her sister who looks after the dog when girlfriend is at my house.
when we talk about the future it is so exciting but know she will expect that the dog comes too, it’s like her baby.

i am really not a dog person, in fact I’m a bit afraid of animals but especially dogs. I’ve met the dog once or twice just and it does seem a nice pet. I have just never wanted a pet and definitely not a dog that sits up on the couch and on the bed etc. my son has asked many times for a pet and he has been told no to a dog or cat. I know plenty of people love animals but I just don’t and am a bit OTT with cleaning and I feel like it would just add to my stress about that too. Now I know if girlfriend moved in she would do al the looking after. But the thought of a dog roaming by house all day while we are out at work really is a nightmare to me. I’m sorry if that offends anyone but we never had pets growing up or anything. it’s my house that I own and she would be moving in with me.

Aibu to say I wouldn’t want the dog to stay?I do think she would be very upset about this and has talked about days out with the dog etc and my son (and hopefully a future child too). I care about her a lot but I really feel like as it’s my home and my son I should do what I feel make comfortable doing.

i don’t think there is the option of her sister keeping the dog long term. I also feel this could be a sticking point to my partner moving in but I really am getting so stressed thinking about it

OP posts:
DecafDodger · 09/12/2024 15:12

So you're saying you could maybe tolerate the dog, but you don't know.
In your shoes I would give it a try, ask her to maybe spend a week at yours, with the dog, see how you feel. If you really can't stand it, at least she hasn't made any permament moves yet.

TheSilkWorm · 09/12/2024 15:14

ForkHandlesNotFourCandles · 09/12/2024 15:11

It’s irrelevant really.
Two people thinking about moving in together, potentially
One has a child
One has a dog

Should said dog owner give up their dog as partner doesn’t want the dog.
Nothing else to discuss.
Sex is irrelevant

Show quote history

On the question of the dog, that's true, but many posters have veered off into imaging the OP trapping this woman into having a baby, using her for sex and refusing to put her on the deeds and all sorts of nefarious intentions which I really don't think would have been discussed if they hadn't assumed OP was a man.

Snugglemonkey · 09/12/2024 15:19

ThereIsALifeOutThere · 09/12/2024 14:19

Your partner has talked about lovely walks together with the dog. I assume she has mentioned the dog as part of your future together.
But it’s only NOW that you’re talking about moving in together, now that she has build up this nice image of you together WITH THE DOG, you want to tell her you dint want the dog and she has to choose between you and the dog?

Thats pretty shit to say the least. Nearly manipulative really.

The fact she had a dog and it’s like her baby is something you knew right from the start. You should have backed up then. Or told her that there is no way you’ll ever have a dog in your house.

A shit show of your own making.

This. She is thinking of bring a family with you, a new baby, your son, the dog. You have allowed her to build up that picture. You are wasting her time!

ForkHandlesNotFourCandles · 09/12/2024 15:20

TheSilkWorm · 09/12/2024 15:14

On the question of the dog, that's true, but many posters have veered off into imaging the OP trapping this woman into having a baby, using her for sex and refusing to put her on the deeds and all sorts of nefarious intentions which I really don't think would have been discussed if they hadn't assumed OP was a man.

Show quote history

Agree
Think everyone has forgot OPs question

MNs do like a natter though, whether it’s irrelevant or even based on inaccuracies🤣. Hoping OP will move right along

Snugglemonkey · 09/12/2024 15:23

Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 14:40

I didn’t once say I’d ask her to let her pet go. I wouldn’t expect that from her at all

Show quote history

But you know the dog is her baby. You know you will not accept the dog. You are deceiving her.

FarriersGirl · 09/12/2024 15:23

Would it be worth having the dog over for short periods to see how that goes? My dad was not brought up with any pets and it took years for my mum to persuade him to have a dog. He soon became the biggest dog fan, even taking the dog to work with him!

MarmaladeSideDown · 09/12/2024 15:25

Snugglemonkey · 09/12/2024 15:23

But you know the dog is her baby. You know you will not accept the dog. You are deceiving her.

Show quote history

Unless she is a bitch with four legs and a tail, the dog is not her baby.

K0OLA1D · 09/12/2024 15:26

MarmaladeSideDown · 09/12/2024 15:25

Unless she is a bitch with four legs and a tail, the dog is not her baby.

Show quote history

But it is a part of their family. There is no way I'd give any of my cats or dog up for a partner of 2 years.

crumblingschools · 09/12/2024 15:28

If you are planning to move in together in the next couple of years and the dog isn't very old, how does that work if you don't want the dog in the house. You could be looking at another 8-10 years before the dog is no more, does that timing work if you want another child.

ProfessionalPirate · 09/12/2024 15:33

TheSilkWorm · 09/12/2024 15:14

On the question of the dog, that's true, but many posters have veered off into imaging the OP trapping this woman into having a baby, using her for sex and refusing to put her on the deeds and all sorts of nefarious intentions which I really don't think would have been discussed if they hadn't assumed OP was a man.

Show quote history

I presumed the OP was a woman from the start, but I still thought it sounded like the girlfriend was getting a rum deal. Financial and emotional security is important for everyone.

I think the housing situation is very much tied in to the question of the dog. The OP goes on about MY house, MY mortgage etc. it’s clear that this move is all going to be exactly on the OP’s terms, pets included.

FWIW I don’t blame the OP for being protective of the home they have built with their son. I just don’t think it’s reasonable to expect the girlfriend to sacrifice so much. She’s moving to a new area, leaving behind friends and family, presumably having to change jobs too. No housing security. And now she can’t bring her beloved dog either. Frankly she’d be a fool not to walk away.

DecafDodger · 09/12/2024 15:34

I didn’t once say I’d ask her to let her pet go. I wouldn’t expect that from her at all

I am getting quite confused now to be honest.
You say you can't live with the dog, but when she moves in, you also don't expect her to leave the dog behind? It's one or the other?

StormingNorman · 09/12/2024 15:35

Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 14:29

I think it’s ok to not want an animal to live in your own home. I’m not asking her to get rid of it but I will likely say I don’t want the dog moving in so will we have to live apart

Asking her to move in without her dog is asking her to get rid of it. You are asking her to re-home her dog or surrender it to a shelter and live without it. This will be distressing for your girlfriend and the dog. There’s no way of sanitising it.

DecafDodger · 09/12/2024 15:35

DecafDodger · 09/12/2024 15:34

I didn’t once say I’d ask her to let her pet go. I wouldn’t expect that from her at all

I am getting quite confused now to be honest.
You say you can't live with the dog, but when she moves in, you also don't expect her to leave the dog behind? It's one or the other?

Or indeed, that she does not move in.

pinkyredrose · 09/12/2024 15:36

Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 14:57

I don’t though and I guess if my child was a dealbreaker for her then she wouldn’t live in with him either

Show quote history

You do if you want to live with her.

K0OLA1D · 09/12/2024 15:37

DecafDodger · 09/12/2024 15:34

I didn’t once say I’d ask her to let her pet go. I wouldn’t expect that from her at all

I am getting quite confused now to be honest.
You say you can't live with the dog, but when she moves in, you also don't expect her to leave the dog behind? It's one or the other?

This. I don't understand what the op wants to gain from the thread. Neither is being unreasonable. They will just have to live separately

Snugglemonkey · 09/12/2024 15:40

MarmaladeSideDown · 09/12/2024 15:25

Unless she is a bitch with four legs and a tail, the dog is not her baby.

Show quote history

It is to her!

oakleaffy · 09/12/2024 15:43

Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 13:55

I honestly don’t know. But I’m really unsure I can compromise on this

Show quote history

Doesn’t sound like the relationship is viable-
If you don’t like dogs and are frightened of losing your home, it’s crazy to begin moving a new partner in.

Skepticgal · 09/12/2024 15:49

She either moves in with the dog, or you continue to live apart. Or you split up. I don't see any other options.

ThereIsALifeOutThere · 09/12/2024 15:52

@Seeker42 youre not ready to move in with your DP.

You can’t have a conversation with her and raise things that are pretty essential - such as you can’t live in a house with a dog. (Neither is she btw.)

You’ve never been and stayed with her, living with her the way she normally does, with her dog. Which means you only have seen one side of her - how she is when she is at someone else house. Not hers.

You dint seem to get it’s a huge thing for her and this was a huge red flag for the rekationship. I’m not sure how you think this will work if you will never have a dog in the house and she loves her dog. The incompatibility was right there, staring at you in the face.

And yet, you seem to expect her to get rid of the dog. You say you dint want to do that but that’s exactly the situation your DP is now in. Chose between you and her dog.

Oh and tyere is the thing about the house being YOUR house.
When your DP moves in, it will be her home too, regardless of who owns it. Will you treat her as a partner who has a say or as someone who has no say ‘because it’s your house, not hers’ ?

Bumblebeestiltskin · 09/12/2024 15:56

Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 14:27

I knew this would ruffle the feathers of animal lovers but I genuinely am afraid of most animals and she knows that

I'm an animal lover, and my feathers aren't ruffled - I've got 3 cats and if someone asked me to live with them without my cats, it would be a no. But you're allowed to not want to live with any pets - I do think you should have raised this before, if you're talking about living together, but equally, she should also have checked. When an ex started talking about us moving in together, I clarified that my cats would have to come too.

Oodydoody · 09/12/2024 16:03

OP, I am not a dog person as in my own home. I am ok with friends dogs and am fond of a couple of them.

There is no way I would like a dog in my house.
Its a lovely clean tidy house, just as I like it and I wouldn't like the obvious dirt a dog can bring into the house.
Yanbu at all to not want a dog in your home.

But you are wasting her time and yours by not being crystal clear and honest on this point.

Sooner rather than later you need to have this conversation.

It really isn't fair to either of you.
But it really is ok to feel its a deal breaker for you.
Just be honest about it.
Good luck.

p1l1l · 09/12/2024 16:06

Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 14:29

I think it’s ok to not want an animal to live in your own home. I’m not asking her to get rid of it but I will likely say I don’t want the dog moving in so will we have to live apart

It is ok to say you don’t want the dog - as long as you have made a proper analysis of the situation, including actually meeting this dog.

Commonsense22 · 09/12/2024 16:19

Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 13:55

I honestly don’t know. But I’m really unsure I can compromise on this

Show quote history

A dog owner cannot abandon their pet. If this was a red line for you, it seems unwise to have chosen a partner who owns a pet.

You cannot ask her to leave the dog.

Fairyhousedays654 · 09/12/2024 16:26

I’ll bet op that it will take a lot more understanding and compromises on your gf’s part to get to know and love your child, than it will on your part to get to know and welcome her dog!

Left · 09/12/2024 16:28

Would it be possible to spend more time with the dog, gradually?

I‘m also nervous around some dogs, but find my anxiety subsides as I spend more time with them.

I‘m not suggesting this with a view to you living with the dog… But, if your partner moves to your area and lives separately, she might want you to spend some nights at hers with her and the dog, as she will no longer have her sister as a dogsitter.