AIBU to not want partners dog to move in too?

[Seeker42]

Maybe I am being unreasonable but would appreciate some perspective.
I’ve been with my partner for 2 years and we are hoping that in next year or 2 she will move in with me and my 6 year old son.
we have a great relationship and things are going well and I really believe we have a good future ahead.
she has a dog that she loves dearly. At the minute she is living with her sister who looks after the dog when girlfriend is at my house.
when we talk about the future it is so exciting but know she will expect that the dog comes too, it’s like her baby.

i am really not a dog person, in fact I’m a bit afraid of animals but especially dogs. I’ve met the dog once or twice just and it does seem a nice pet. I have just never wanted a pet and definitely not a dog that sits up on the couch and on the bed etc. my son has asked many times for a pet and he has been told no to a dog or cat. I know plenty of people love animals but I just don’t and am a bit OTT with cleaning and I feel like it would just add to my stress about that too. Now I know if girlfriend moved in she would do al the looking after. But the thought of a dog roaming by house all day while we are out at work really is a nightmare to me. I’m sorry if that offends anyone but we never had pets growing up or anything. it’s my house that I own and she would be moving in with me.

Aibu to say I wouldn’t want the dog to stay?I do think she would be very upset about this and has talked about days out with the dog etc and my son (and hopefully a future child too). I care about her a lot but I really feel like as it’s my home and my son I should do what I feel make comfortable doing.

i don’t think there is the option of her sister keeping the dog long term. I also feel this could be a sticking point to my partner moving in but I really am getting so stressed thinking about it

You sound very selfish, I think she would be better off staying on her own with her dog.

I owned dogs years ago, but I wouldn’t want someone moving in now with their smelly dog.

Do what works for you. 🙂

You are not unreasonable to not want a dog in your home.

You are unreasonable (and quite possibly a bit daft) given your stance above to drive forward in a serious relationship [towards cohabitation] with someone who has a dog.

What on earth did you think was going to happen?!

Yeah the relationship is over. It's not going anywhere and dogs live to about 17 lol.

You need to break it off and find somebody you're compatible with.

I think it’s ok to not want an animal to live in your own home. I’m not asking her to get rid of it but I will likely say I don’t want the dog moving in so will we have to live apart
Fair enough, if you are both OK with living apart. I'm a dog owner and would not expect anyone to live with my dog if they did not want to.
If she doesn't want you to live apart for years, obviously, that might be a dealbreaker for her. But that's something you'd have to respect.

What breed is the dog? They can live anything from 6 or 7 years to well into their 20s.

I honestly think you need to have this conversation asap. Because it’s not just about this dog.
If someone really loves dogs they are going to also want future dogs.
the fact that you are in LDR also muddies thing as, while it’s all good and welll everyone saying “you need to live apart” - living apart and a long way from each other may not be what she’s envisioning long term. Bearing in mind you’ve mentioned future children - not sure that living apart would be that sustainable anyway.

Absolutely this

to clarify again- we aren’t moving in together anytime soon, we have made no plans to do this, we both hope this will happen on down the line, she hasn’t mentioned the dog living here and neither have I. The reason I keep mentioning ‘my house’ is to make the point that we when we do move in it’ll be to here, not to a joint house (whereby it’s a join decision about ‘our’ house). Right now this is me and my son’s house, that would have always been pet free. Now I’m with a lovely partner (and yes she is my partner, dunno why mumsnet always picks holes in using this term) and we spend a lot of time together both with and without my son. I don’t stay with her because she lives with her sister and young family. The dog has never been to my house and is rarely mentioned and is not currently a feature of our relationship. But he is her dog and she loves him. And I guess I realised today once she moves in permanently she will expect the dog to come, and I never pictured a dog in the house here now would I ever choose to have one. I also feel I’d be very nervous looking after him on my own.
she won’t have to change jobs to move here or make all those sacrifices as everyone says, she lives over an hour from me but works closer to where I live.

So yes I will speak to her tomorrow night about all this as be honest with her. Luckily we have a lovely relationship and hopefully she can also understand where I’m coming from. She sees me even with dogs in the park and understands my anxieties.

mumsnet is literally mad and from me saying I feel bad that I don’t want my partners dog to move in (in a few years when we decide to do it) apparently im-
a man
sex mad
not wanting to offer her financial security
selfish
not thinking about my son
can’t communicate
immature
in a doomed relationship
and countless other things

oh and not to forgot…where’s my child’s mother in all this???

@Seeker42 welcome to MN - where many people lack reading and comprehension skills. Where moving a partner in is a crime if you have dc already, and not loving dogs is a serious character flaw.

So it would seem. unbelievable.
honestly I’ve never met people like this in real life

If my partner said dog or me it would be the dogs.

But if it's in a few years why are you thinking about this now?

As a side note, I don't really like my dog, and really don't like other peoples dogs, so I'm not dog mad. But I wouldn't abandon my dog to live with a partner (especially if they already have a child). Sorry, my dog is my family and as annoying as they are, mine for life.

Maybe your child's want to have a pet and your partners love for their dog could top trump your passion for cleanliness?

If you have a few years, can you do some therapy or CBT to help you?

I'm not a dog person, wouldn't have had one if me on my own. Bit like you!
My wife had a dog when we met. I got on well with that dog, but still very wary of other dogs.
It's hard but if you want her to move in eventually, she comes as a package with the dog. Just like you and your wee boy.
I'd take small steps to see if you and the dog actually get on if you spend - say - a week together. Don't write it all off just yet if your partner is worth fighting and making the compromise for.

Does sound if stalemate tbh

She thinks dog is coming /you will cope /learn to like dogs

You are saying no to dog ever

Unless she leaves dog with sister this relationship isn't going anywhere

You really need to talk

What you want to hear is:

• if she really loves you she can find a 'loving' home for the pet...pets are not humans!

What a lot of us think is that animals are a commitment and for life. They did not choose us, we did. So no matter what, a person should look after their pet until they die (with a few exceptions...like a pet being dangerous, someone becoming very ill...)

I hope she doesn't abandon a pet for a man.
Even your child would like to have a pet.
Maybe the narrative could be:

• I love her so much and my child would love a dog...I'm going to make an effort😊

Whose the man?

Sorry, i did assume you are a man.
But that's not the point.

It applies exactly the same.

However, you are getting very offended by the replies which just reinforces the theory. You just want validation that it's fair to leave the dog behind.

It's not! Period. If she does will show lack of character...and in thay case you are a match made in heaven.

No I genuinely don’t want her to give the dog up, and I don’t imagine she would for a second.
If anything I wanted validation to say that I’m not being unreasonable to say I don’t want a pet in the house ever. I understand that will probably mean something significant for our relationship though and I don’t want us to break up but I genuinely do not want a dog or any responsibility for one. The thought of it makes me truly panic and that’s maybe hard to believe to people who love dogs.

im offended because some of these replies are absolutely offensive and ridiculous. You clearly haven’t read the whole thread or else you would have seen a few times that we are 2 women

but yeah, we aren’t moving in anytime soon but I will bring this up very soon to discuss. I’m not sure what exactly way I could compromise on this if at all but we will hopefully be able to talk it through and each can compromise, she is very lovely and we are really wanting to make the relationship work long term. So who knows

All the best! Yes, bring the discussion as soon as possible.

And if she leaves the dog behind hopefully her family will look after and love the dog and she can still visit often (i think this is what you are hoping for...and in that case you should say it staight away instead of faffing around). Lol

Thank you.

I don’t know, to be honest we don’t really ever really talk about the dog but she mentioned him today on the phone and that’s what made me think about living with him.

i don’t know much about dogs myself, I know what the dog looks like but wouldn’t be able to name the breed as a precious poster asked. Small dog but lively and needs a fair bit of walking

if a dog can’t stay at home alone a lot then she’s maybe considered that as we both work out of the house full time so I’m not sure who would look after the dog then. Her sister does that for her at the minute but she would live too far away to take the dog every day

Ok you are contradicting yourself so much here. Your saying you do not want her to give up her dog yet you do not want the dog in the house when and if she moves in. Only other thing I can read into this is your suggesting you'll allow her to bring the dog so long as it stays outside

Good luck having this conversation! It's she thinks her pet is equivalent to a child like people think on this forum your relationship may be in trouble..

Though was neither of you thinking about this deal breaker when the relationship got serious? Or are you willing to wait for her to move in till the dog dies?

Well to be honest, I wasn’t thinking about it no. We aren’t moving in yet and the dog is rarely mentioned so I really haven’t thought too much about the dog. We’ve had big conversations about my son and how we introduced her etc but she hasn’t mentioned the dog really.
and no, I don’t imagine the dog will die anytime soon, I wasn’t thinking that

Well no if we can’t compromise somehow and she wants the dog to move in then we may need to reconsider the move in

What would a compromise look like?