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Original poster

AIBU to not want partners dog to move in too?

218 replies

Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 13:52

Maybe I am being unreasonable but would appreciate some perspective.
I’ve been with my partner for 2 years and we are hoping that in next year or 2 she will move in with me and my 6 year old son.
we have a great relationship and things are going well and I really believe we have a good future ahead.
she has a dog that she loves dearly. At the minute she is living with her sister who looks after the dog when girlfriend is at my house.
when we talk about the future it is so exciting but know she will expect that the dog comes too, it’s like her baby.

i am really not a dog person, in fact I’m a bit afraid of animals but especially dogs. I’ve met the dog once or twice just and it does seem a nice pet. I have just never wanted a pet and definitely not a dog that sits up on the couch and on the bed etc. my son has asked many times for a pet and he has been told no to a dog or cat. I know plenty of people love animals but I just don’t and am a bit OTT with cleaning and I feel like it would just add to my stress about that too. Now I know if girlfriend moved in she would do al the looking after. But the thought of a dog roaming by house all day while we are out at work really is a nightmare to me. I’m sorry if that offends anyone but we never had pets growing up or anything. it’s my house that I own and she would be moving in with me.

Aibu to say I wouldn’t want the dog to stay?I do think she would be very upset about this and has talked about days out with the dog etc and my son (and hopefully a future child too). I care about her a lot but I really feel like as it’s my home and my son I should do what I feel make comfortable doing.

i don’t think there is the option of her sister keeping the dog long term. I also feel this could be a sticking point to my partner moving in but I really am getting so stressed thinking about it

OP posts:
HooMoo · 09/12/2024 14:17

If Someone said I could move in but not my dogs I wouldn’t move in and I’d likely end the relationship. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t also accept my dogs.

SalmonAndHorseradish · 09/12/2024 14:18

You need to be much, much clearer with her. You're telling her you're nervous about living with a dog, so she thinks this is something you are willing to try to overcome and can be worked on. The truth is you have already made up your mind, you don't want to live with a dog and it isn't something you are interested in trying to overcome. That is your right, but it's not fair on your partner for you not to be 100% transparent. You cannot expect her to abandon her pet, and if she is a dog person she may well want another dog in the future even when this one is gone. You are fundamentally incompatible. End the relationship now rather than dragging it out.

ribiera · 09/12/2024 14:18

How would you feel if she said she only wanted to move in with you but not your son?

Suncrescent · 09/12/2024 14:19

This happened when I moved in with now dh. I’m severely allergic to dogs and also really dislike them / am scared of them. He had taken on his mums 6 month puppy when she passed away unexpectedly, I met him when the dog was 2, he would always come to mine as I couldn’t be near the dog. I got pregnant and because he owned his house and I was just renting he asked me to move in with him but I had to give an ultimatum about the dog. I felt bad as he was really heartbroken but there was no other choice. His brother ended up taking the dog.

ThereIsALifeOutThere · 09/12/2024 14:19

Your partner has talked about lovely walks together with the dog. I assume she has mentioned the dog as part of your future together.
But it’s only NOW that you’re talking about moving in together, now that she has build up this nice image of you together WITH THE DOG, you want to tell her you dint want the dog and she has to choose between you and the dog?

Thats pretty shit to say the least. Nearly manipulative really.

The fact she had a dog and it’s like her baby is something you knew right from the start. You should have backed up then. Or told her that there is no way you’ll ever have a dog in your house.

A shit show of your own making.

ThereIsALifeOutThere · 09/12/2024 14:21

Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 14:09

She lives long distance so comes up to stay with me and doesn’t bring the dog to stay

Show quote history

But she talked about the dig didn’t she? Enough that you know it’s like a baby to her. You've said so yourself.

And yet you never said anything….

Please dint try and convince us it’s coming as a surprise to you.

BourbonsAreOverated · 09/12/2024 14:24

i had a cat. Dh was not an animal man, I got unexpectedly pregnant so moved in quicker than we’d have planned. The cat came too. I would not have left the cat and he wouldn’t have asked. The cat was just coming end of.

dh is now a soppy animal person.
now, I’m not saying the same will happen to you, as your aversion sounds stronger. You need to have this conversation. The closest I can see to compromise is to try the walks and get to know the dog, then see.

Nothatgingerpirate · 09/12/2024 14:25

It's fine, just stay living in separate places.
I wouldn't do this either.

Original poster
Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 14:26

I’m not going to ask her to get rid of the dog. But I’m asking Ainu to not want an animal in my home.
if I hadn’t met her I would never ever get a pet and I don’t think I’m a horrible person to say that.
and my son is different to a dog, also she is moving into my house

the dog has not really been a part of our relationship, she looks after him in her own time

OP posts:
Original poster
Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 14:27

I knew this would ruffle the feathers of animal lovers but I genuinely am afraid of most animals and she knows that

OP posts:
WTFMartin · 09/12/2024 14:27

I think you’ve avoided the conversation and you need to have it ASAP.

Original poster
Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 14:29

I think it’s ok to not want an animal to live in your own home. I’m not asking her to get rid of it but I will likely say I don’t want the dog moving in so will we have to live apart

OP posts:
Letstheriveranswer · 09/12/2024 14:29

I would feel the same OP, I am used to dogs but don't feel any desire to have a dog in my life or my house.

I think you should tell her how uneasy you are with the dog, and develop a plan together to start spending some time with the dog, first away from your home and then dog visits your home. That's the only way you can find out if you can adjust and become fond of the dog yourself

If you can't - and you are within your rights to not want a dog in your home - then you can't move in together while she has a dog. However, dog people usually want another dog after one dies, so even if this dog is older and passes she will probably want another one. Not an easy situation.

GreenEggs483 · 09/12/2024 14:31

Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 14:26

I’m not going to ask her to get rid of the dog. But I’m asking Ainu to not want an animal in my home.
if I hadn’t met her I would never ever get a pet and I don’t think I’m a horrible person to say that.
and my son is different to a dog, also she is moving into my house

the dog has not really been a part of our relationship, she looks after him in her own time

You're not unreasonable to not want a dog in your home. You need to talk to her. She needs to be able to make an informed decision about moving in. You also need to spend more time together before making a long distance relationship into a cohabiting one.

standardduck · 09/12/2024 14:31

I think YANBU to not want a dog in your house.

She is NBU to want to live with her dog.

YABU to discuss moving in together and not mention the dog. It seems like a huge deciding factor. I'd bring it up asap as that might be a deal breaker.

TheShellBeach · 09/12/2024 14:32

Have you got full custody of your son @Seeker42?

MuttsNutts · 09/12/2024 14:32

Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 14:27

I knew this would ruffle the feathers of animal lovers but I genuinely am afraid of most animals and she knows that

This isn’t about our feathers being ruffled. This is about you not telling your girlfriend that you won’t have a dog living in your house - a dog that you know “she loves dearly” and is “like her baby”. You have apparently discussed her moving in with you but not the issue of what will happen to this dog.

The relationship is doomed. Even if there were no dog it would be doomed because you’re not communicating.

AllPlayedOut · 09/12/2024 14:33

YANBU but I think you should expect that she won’t move in with you. I’d have a very low opinion of anyone who would abandon their pet like that. They aren’t disposable.

I’m surprised that the relationship has lasted this long though. I’m an animal lover and pet owner and you wouldn’t see me for dust if a potential partner told me that they didn’t like animals, were phobic of them or allergic. No matter how lovely they were it wouldn’t be fair on either party and I’d never give up my pets so I wouldn’t consider continuing to date them.

TheShellBeach · 09/12/2024 14:34

I'm a bit concerned about the way you refer to "my house" all the time.

It'll be her house too, if she moves in.

You sound inflexible. I doubt if moving in together would be a good thing.

Why did your previous relationship end?

BellyPork · 09/12/2024 14:34
TwistedWonder · 09/12/2024 14:35

Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 14:29

I think it’s ok to not want an animal to live in your own home. I’m not asking her to get rid of it but I will likely say I don’t want the dog moving in so will we have to live apart

I do think that’s the reality however if she’s a dog lover, she might want another dog further down the line so your boundaries might not be compatible.

Im not a dog person so its a non negotiate me but tbh I don’t think I’d have got 2 years down the line dating someone I knew was a dog lover

QuintessentialDragon · 09/12/2024 14:35

It's dead in the water IMO, and I'd split with you if I were her.

No, I don't think you're a horrible person or animal hater or anything like that, but this relationship has no future. She and her dog come as a package. She loves her dog (understandably). You being so scared of the animals and her being an animal lover just don't gel.

End it and be much more upfront next time. Multiple people wouldn't date you for your stance, multiple would. That's ok. What's not ok, is all this dragging out and time wasting.

nightmarepickle2025 · 09/12/2024 14:36

So she doesn't move in. That's it. It's as simple as that.

Tiswa · 09/12/2024 14:36

Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 14:29

I think it’s ok to not want an animal to live in your own home. I’m not asking her to get rid of it but I will likely say I don’t want the dog moving in so will we have to live apart

Yes there really is no compromise here

I wouldn’t want to have a dog but neither would my husband

she has a dog and you can’t expect her to want to leave it

Starlight1979 · 09/12/2024 14:36

fruitbrewhaha · 09/12/2024 14:04

There is an option for you to spend more time with the dog. Dogs can be very loving, give it a chance. Then it’s a win win. Otherwise you may lose your girlfriend over this.

No no no. Very bad idea! OP has said she doesn't like dogs and doesn't want one in her home. You can't just tell her to move in with the dog to "see how it goes" essentially. Then what if OP still is firmly in the camp of not wanting the dog there? She kicks her girlfriend out?

OP I would say your girlfriend and her dog come as a package (as they should!) and if you don't want a dog living with you then your girlfriend is best staying put where she is.