Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU to not want partners dog to move in too?

218 replies

Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 13:52

Maybe I am being unreasonable but would appreciate some perspective.
I’ve been with my partner for 2 years and we are hoping that in next year or 2 she will move in with me and my 6 year old son.
we have a great relationship and things are going well and I really believe we have a good future ahead.
she has a dog that she loves dearly. At the minute she is living with her sister who looks after the dog when girlfriend is at my house.
when we talk about the future it is so exciting but know she will expect that the dog comes too, it’s like her baby.

i am really not a dog person, in fact I’m a bit afraid of animals but especially dogs. I’ve met the dog once or twice just and it does seem a nice pet. I have just never wanted a pet and definitely not a dog that sits up on the couch and on the bed etc. my son has asked many times for a pet and he has been told no to a dog or cat. I know plenty of people love animals but I just don’t and am a bit OTT with cleaning and I feel like it would just add to my stress about that too. Now I know if girlfriend moved in she would do al the looking after. But the thought of a dog roaming by house all day while we are out at work really is a nightmare to me. I’m sorry if that offends anyone but we never had pets growing up or anything. it’s my house that I own and she would be moving in with me.

Aibu to say I wouldn’t want the dog to stay?I do think she would be very upset about this and has talked about days out with the dog etc and my son (and hopefully a future child too). I care about her a lot but I really feel like as it’s my home and my son I should do what I feel make comfortable doing.

i don’t think there is the option of her sister keeping the dog long term. I also feel this could be a sticking point to my partner moving in but I really am getting so stressed thinking about it

OP posts:
DemonicCaveMaggot · 09/12/2024 14:02

You need to tell her you can't have the dog living with you.

Personally I would try to get to know the dog. If it is an adult dog it may not live more than a few more years. You may be able to tolerate it in the house for five or six years. If you consider it as your dog you may feel differently about it.

User820825 · 09/12/2024 14:02

You definitely need to talk about it. But it sounds like you are going to either have to live apart or break up.

She probably won't want to never have a dog ever again either, as it sounds like she enjoys having a dog.

unsync · 09/12/2024 14:02

That would be a deal breaker for me. I couldn't live with someone who doesn't like animals. You need to be explicit about this, don't waste anymore of her time.

VarneytheVamp · 09/12/2024 14:04

Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 14:02

No and it wouldn’t be an ultimatum obviously. We’re just different than way. I’m not expecting her to abandon her dog, I know she loves it.
but equally I am actually nervous of animals and I can’t change that, have always been like that and feel anxious at the dig being my home.
im not a horrible person

Show quote history

You need to be very honest then. It may just be you can't move in together.

Would spending more time with the dog help? I used to be nervous of dogs when I was much younger, now I couldn't be without them. If it's a pretty well behaved dog, it probably won't be as bad as you're thinking.

If not then a conversation needs to be had sooner rather than later.

fruitbrewhaha · 09/12/2024 14:04

There is an option for you to spend more time with the dog. Dogs can be very loving, give it a chance. Then it’s a win win. Otherwise you may lose your girlfriend over this.

VictorianScreenTime · 09/12/2024 14:05

Non-dog person here. I was the same as you- not too keen on dogs. Bit nervous around them always wondering if they’d jump up on me or try to nip. No matter how reassuring the owner. I just felt they weren’t for me.

Unfortunately DH very much is a dog person, as are my two DC. So about three years ago, after much consideration, we got a dog.

I am now 100% a dog person. Couldn’t imagine life without our dog and having him in my life has totally turned around my attitude to other dogs- I’ll happily now fuss over them, tolerate them jumping up at me in excitement, the whole shebang.

Maybe a few days trialling having the dog to stay at yours would be worth trying? Takes a bit of time to relax IMHO but you may find spending longer amounts of time with the dog changes your feelings!

Bananalanacake · 09/12/2024 14:05

Can't you have a relationship without living together.

Oreyt · 09/12/2024 14:06

What?

Why is she in a relationship with someone who won't bond with her dog.

2 years and you've met it twice?

Either you don't spend much time together or she leaves her dog at home a lot.

I have children and no dog but I think it sounds odd.

Original poster
Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 14:06

WetBandits · 09/12/2024 14:01

You’ve been together two years and met her dog twice? Confused

Did you never anticipate that this might come up before you decide to progress with the relationship? Or did you just expect/assume that she’d leave her dog for you? Anyone that would abandon their pet on their partner’s say-so is not someone I’d want to be in a relationship with as it would speak volumes about their values and commitment.

We’re long distance and she lives with her sister and her children. So she stays here

OP posts:
Billydavey · 09/12/2024 14:07

Don’t live with an animal if you don’t want to. It really affects your mental health and really gets you down and (in my experience) you end up in a pretty bad place, hating the home you live in and never feeling comfortable. It’s horrible.

it’s really hard when one person has pets and the other knows they do not want to live with animals. Neither is wrong.

Twothinkthat · 09/12/2024 14:07

Reflecting on this - I’m quite surprised that this hasn’t come up more often. If you’ve been together two years have there not been occasions where your partner wanted to bring the dog along to things - particularly in the summer.

p1l1l · 09/12/2024 14:08

Your son actively wants a dog - so the only person who doesn’t is you. Therefore, before saying you don’t want the dog to come, you ought to spend time with that dog - out and in GF’s home - to make sure of your feelings either way. As it seems at the moment, you’re making your decision based on almost zero evidence and experience of this particular dog.

I would not give up my dog to live with someone. A dog is a family member.

TwistedWonder · 09/12/2024 14:08

I don’t think you can move in together at this point.

I couldn’t have an animal living in my house, especially a dog, but I’d make that clear from day 1. I can’t see there’s a compromise to be had tbh

KhakiShaker · 09/12/2024 14:08

I don’t think you’re compatible to live together. Even when this dog passes she’ll likely want another one again in the future. It’s a lovely thing for a child to grow up with a pet, perhaps try and work on your anxiety especially as you say your son would like a dog.

As an animal lover I could never live with anyone who wouldn’t have one in the house.

Original poster
Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 14:09

Twothinkthat · 09/12/2024 14:07

Reflecting on this - I’m quite surprised that this hasn’t come up more often. If you’ve been together two years have there not been occasions where your partner wanted to bring the dog along to things - particularly in the summer.

She lives long distance so comes up to stay with me and doesn’t bring the dog to stay

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 09/12/2024 14:09

This makes no sense to me, where did you think her dog was going to live if not with her, wherever she goes?

canyouletthedogoutplease · 09/12/2024 14:10

Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 13:56

I have been honest from the start about how I feel about animals. We haven’t specifically talked about the dog coming too

If you can't have a conversation about this, you really aren't in a fantastic place to be cohabiting, especially seeing that you have a 6 year old in the mix.

Twothinkthat · 09/12/2024 14:10

Sorry just saw your update that you’re currently long distance after my last post.

I think this is a conversation you need to have - and in all honestly it may be that this isn’t going to work long term. Because people that enjoy having dogs will always want a dog - so even if this specific one passes away - this is still a future problem.

HPandthelastwish · 09/12/2024 14:12

You need to be explicit and less wishy washy.

"I love you and would love to live with you but I do not want your dog to come with you andits not something I am willing to compromise on. Nor do I expect you to give up your dog as you have made a commitment to him, therefore we will need to remain together but live a part"

Up to her then if that's something she wants - personally my ideal scenario is having a partner and my own space if that's not for her then the relationship is over and you need to find a future partner who also doesn't want a pet.

MarmaladeSideDown · 09/12/2024 14:14

Your house, your rules.

The logical answer would be that the dog remains with the relative's family (we have long-term feline lodgers which we are looking after for family members currently unable to have them at their home) but of course, your partner or her family may not want to do that.

Alicantespumante · 09/12/2024 14:15

What kind of dog is it? Is the dog used to children? Those would be the only things that concern me. We have a (small non-shedding) dog and she isn’t allowed upstairs in bedrooms etc. at night she’s in a crate. She does walk around freely most of the day. I guess the impact of a Newfoundland is going to be bigger than a small poodle.

Definitely talk about this otherwise everyone is just wasting their time.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 09/12/2024 14:15

You need to be very clear with her and don't wait any more. She needs to decide what she wants to do

StormingNorman · 09/12/2024 14:15

You might want to discuss this sooner rather than later.

  1. I would never move in with someone and leave my pet(s) behind.
  2. It would never occur to me that anyone would expect me to leave my pets behind.
  3. The suggestion would change my opinion of you.
  4. I wouldn’t contemplate a future with someone who didn’t want pets.
goody2shooz · 09/12/2024 14:15

@Seeker42 as a non dog lover, I can totally empathise with your predicament. I would simply hate having a dog foisted on me and my home. Have you a garden? Then you’ll have the dog poo there too no doubt. You have to have this conversation asap. But I don’t blame you - it’s a big ask. What kind of dog is it and how old is it? Like any pet it will be a tie and a fairly major expense. What if your son and the dog don’t get on? Have you and your dc met the dog?

Floralnomad · 09/12/2024 14:15

Perhaps you should get her to bring the dog next time she stays and see how it goes then . Absolutely no reason why you can’t say no dogs upstairs as a compromise.