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Original poster

AIBU to not want partners dog to move in too?

218 replies

Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 13:52

Maybe I am being unreasonable but would appreciate some perspective.
I’ve been with my partner for 2 years and we are hoping that in next year or 2 she will move in with me and my 6 year old son.
we have a great relationship and things are going well and I really believe we have a good future ahead.
she has a dog that she loves dearly. At the minute she is living with her sister who looks after the dog when girlfriend is at my house.
when we talk about the future it is so exciting but know she will expect that the dog comes too, it’s like her baby.

i am really not a dog person, in fact I’m a bit afraid of animals but especially dogs. I’ve met the dog once or twice just and it does seem a nice pet. I have just never wanted a pet and definitely not a dog that sits up on the couch and on the bed etc. my son has asked many times for a pet and he has been told no to a dog or cat. I know plenty of people love animals but I just don’t and am a bit OTT with cleaning and I feel like it would just add to my stress about that too. Now I know if girlfriend moved in she would do al the looking after. But the thought of a dog roaming by house all day while we are out at work really is a nightmare to me. I’m sorry if that offends anyone but we never had pets growing up or anything. it’s my house that I own and she would be moving in with me.

Aibu to say I wouldn’t want the dog to stay?I do think she would be very upset about this and has talked about days out with the dog etc and my son (and hopefully a future child too). I care about her a lot but I really feel like as it’s my home and my son I should do what I feel make comfortable doing.

i don’t think there is the option of her sister keeping the dog long term. I also feel this could be a sticking point to my partner moving in but I really am getting so stressed thinking about it

OP posts:
ThereIsALifeOutThere · 09/12/2024 14:36

Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 14:26

I’m not going to ask her to get rid of the dog. But I’m asking Ainu to not want an animal in my home.
if I hadn’t met her I would never ever get a pet and I don’t think I’m a horrible person to say that.
and my son is different to a dog, also she is moving into my house

the dog has not really been a part of our relationship, she looks after him in her own time

You’re not ready to move in together.

The dog WAS part of your life together. She talked about it. You knew how important it is for her.
But you chose to ignore that because you didn’t see the dog.

Of course, it’s totally ok to say you don’t want a dog in your house.

But never mentioning to her how against dogs you are or that living together would be so a dog when she talked about walks together WITH the dog, now that’s shitty.

It would make me wonder how much I can trust you to tell me what you think/feel/your plans are when we are together when you’ve conveniently forgotten to be clear on that.
And I think you know it. Otherwise you wouldn’t have started this thread.

BourbonsAreOverated · 09/12/2024 14:39

you need an honest conversation about compatibility. you will be asking her to never have animals in her life again. As an animal lover, I couldn’t do that. I have an absolute ache for a dog (we rent so animals are tricky to say the least). I couldn’t make that promise, they are too important to me - even hypothetically.
if she’s talking about walks, she thinks you’ll come round and doesn’t understand how strongly you feel. You either try to get to know the dog or call it a day. I don’t think an animal lover and non animal lover are compatible

housemaus · 09/12/2024 14:39

Don't know how you get to 2 years in and discussing moving in together without discussing something this fundamental. And if I were her, when you brought it up now I'd be hurt and surprised that you just assumed I'd be happy to let my pet go because it wasn't convenient - both because that's an awful thing to do (i.e. rehoming a pet once it was no longer convenient), but also because it would show you didn't really understand how important the pet was to me.

Maybe she'll feel differently, but I wouldn't be surprised if she was quite shocked.

Original poster
Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 14:40

TheShellBeach · 09/12/2024 14:34

I'm a bit concerned about the way you refer to "my house" all the time.

It'll be her house too, if she moves in.

You sound inflexible. I doubt if moving in together would be a good thing.

Why did your previous relationship end?

As in I own the house. If she moves in she won’t own the house. I lost a lot in my drive so I am ver protective now of what I have worked for for me and my son

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 09/12/2024 14:40

........it’s my house that I own and she would be moving in with me

So you're expecting all the compromises to be on her side?

housethatbuiltme · 09/12/2024 14:40

Imagine this the other way round:

I’ve been with my partner for 2 years and we are hoping that in next year or 2 he will move in with me and my 6 year old dog.

we have a great relationship and things are going well and I really believe we have a good future ahead.

He has a child that he loves dearly. At the minute he is living with his sister who looks after his child when he is at my house.

When we talk about the future it is so exciting but know he will expect that the child comes too, it’s his baby.

I am really not a child person, in fact I’m a bit afraid of kid but especially babies. I’ve met the child once or twice just and it does seem a nice kid. I have just never wanted a child and definitely not a baby that spits up on the couch and on the bed etc.

My dog likes kids but I don't let him near them and avoid them.

I know plenty of people love children but I just don’t and am a bit OTT with cleaning and I feel like it would just add to my stress about that too. Now I know if he moved in he would do all the looking after of the child. But the thought of a child toddling round house all day while I'm out at work really is a nightmare to me.

I’m sorry if that offends anyone but I'm an only child so we never had babies around growing up or anything. It’s my house that I own and he would be moving in with me.

Aibu to say I wouldn’t want the child to live here?

I do think he would be very upset about this and has talked about days out with the child etc... and my dog (and future children too). I care about him a lot but I really feel like as it’s my home and my dog and I should do what I feel comfortable doing.

I don’t think there is the option of his sister keeping the child long term. I also feel this could be a sticking point to my partner moving in but I really am getting so stressed thinking about it.

Be honest if she spoke about you son like that you would dump her (at least I hope so). You most certainly would not be moving in with her, so why do you expect her not to instantly dump you?

As the saying goes you can't have your cake and eat it... you should not have dated a dog person if you hated dog, same way a person who hates children should not date a parent. You don't get a say in what happens to her pet.

Original poster
Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 14:40

housemaus · 09/12/2024 14:39

Don't know how you get to 2 years in and discussing moving in together without discussing something this fundamental. And if I were her, when you brought it up now I'd be hurt and surprised that you just assumed I'd be happy to let my pet go because it wasn't convenient - both because that's an awful thing to do (i.e. rehoming a pet once it was no longer convenient), but also because it would show you didn't really understand how important the pet was to me.

Maybe she'll feel differently, but I wouldn't be surprised if she was quite shocked.

I didn’t once say I’d ask her to let her pet go. I wouldn’t expect that from her at all

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 09/12/2024 14:41

Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 14:40

As in I own the house. If she moves in she won’t own the house. I lost a lot in my drive so I am ver protective now of what I have worked for for me and my son

Show quote history

You lost a lot in your drive?
What does that mean?

Original poster
Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 14:41

No comparison as some people genuinely have a fear of dogs

OP posts:
Original poster
Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 14:42

TheShellBeach · 09/12/2024 14:40

........it’s my house that I own and she would be moving in with me

So you're expecting all the compromises to be on her side?

No, as in she would move here rather than us get a new place together

OP posts:
Startinganew32 · 09/12/2024 14:42

TheShellBeach · 09/12/2024 14:41

You lost a lot in your drive?
What does that mean?

Show quote history

I think s/he means divorce

Original poster
Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 14:42

TheShellBeach · 09/12/2024 14:41

You lost a lot in your drive?
What does that mean?

Show quote history

Divorce sorry *

OP posts:
LoveIsLikeAFartIfYouHaveToPushItsUsuallyShit · 09/12/2024 14:42

You would be asking her to get rid of the dog though if it cannot live in your house.

As others. You need proper discussion.

Just to add YANBU to not want a dog. Obviously.

betterangels · 09/12/2024 14:43

Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 13:55

I honestly don’t know. But I’m really unsure I can compromise on this

Show quote history

I hope she doesn't compromise on this and finds her own place to live with her beloved dog.

And I'm not even a dog person.

RelationshipOrNot · 09/12/2024 14:43

It's cowardly and dishonest to just have hinted at it and not openly discussed it. Also, it might be worth finding a new place together rather than this "my house" stuff, which isn't going to lead your relationship to a healthy place.

Fairyhousedays654 · 09/12/2024 14:43

I think you need to be honest with your gf and if she decides to stay with your dog, as any decent person would, then it’s your loss.

I don’t wish to sound harsh but how can you decide that you dislike something when you have never experienced it? That’s a very closed mindset.

The fact that you are prepared to cause a potential split in your relationship over this and that you say “Now I know if girlfriend moved in she would do all the looking after”
tells me that you are really not ready to be committed to a proper relationship and all of the baggage that potentially comes with it.

Sorry but if you have a baby together you do know that babies and toddlers will cause mess and disruption to your clean freak routine?

By all means if having shiny floors and and pristine surfaces is more important to you than warmth and affection and the love of a woman, then it is best you split.

Please tell her as soon as possible. You have been very misleading by not mentioning this straightaway.

Edited to apologise for using term “clean freak” which is unfair. You are entitled to keep your house and live how you want but you should have been upfront the moment you felt your relationship was getting serious.

housemaus · 09/12/2024 14:43

Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 14:40

I didn’t once say I’d ask her to let her pet go. I wouldn’t expect that from her at all

Show quote history

Your wording in the title - 'to not want partner's dog to move in too' - makes it sounds as though you want/hope your partner will move in and not the dog. Which for the vast majority of people I know with pets, isn't going to happen. So I don't know what you do expect.

K0OLA1D · 09/12/2024 14:44

If it was me? I'd not move in with you.

So if its a deal breaker you have to accept it may be theirs as well.

Original poster
Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 14:45

To clarify- we have not decided/made plans to move in together. We both hope to in the future when the time is right, I’m taking things slow with this because of previous relationships and with my son’s best interests in mind.
so no we don’t have poor communication, we just haven’t talked about the ins and outs of it yet as we aren’t at that stage just yet
but it clicked with me today that she will expect the dog to come too (obviously ) and I have went into panic mode in my head as if someone turned up out of the blue to give me a dog I would not want it at all.
so that’s why I posted.

she loves her dog and is an amazing person and won’t give the dog up and neither would I ask her to.

OP posts:
Startinganew32 · 09/12/2024 14:45

OP do you actually want your girlfriend to move in? Because it doesn’t sound like it really and maybe it would be better for you all to live separately for quite a bit longer. I know it’s your house ownership wise but you need to relax that feeling a bit if she’s going to live with you. Imagine living somewhere and being constantly reminded that it’s not yours? From your girlfriend’s perspective this sounds like quite a bad deal. Is your son with you full time? Does she get on well with him? Is your son happy to have your girlfriend move in? Could your girlfriend move closer to you but not actually move into your house?

K0OLA1D · 09/12/2024 14:46

Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 14:45

To clarify- we have not decided/made plans to move in together. We both hope to in the future when the time is right, I’m taking things slow with this because of previous relationships and with my son’s best interests in mind.
so no we don’t have poor communication, we just haven’t talked about the ins and outs of it yet as we aren’t at that stage just yet
but it clicked with me today that she will expect the dog to come too (obviously ) and I have went into panic mode in my head as if someone turned up out of the blue to give me a dog I would not want it at all.
so that’s why I posted.

she loves her dog and is an amazing person and won’t give the dog up and neither would I ask her to.

So what are you asking then?

Original poster
Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 14:46

Fairyhousedays654 · 09/12/2024 14:43

I think you need to be honest with your gf and if she decides to stay with your dog, as any decent person would, then it’s your loss.

I don’t wish to sound harsh but how can you decide that you dislike something when you have never experienced it? That’s a very closed mindset.

The fact that you are prepared to cause a potential split in your relationship over this and that you say “Now I know if girlfriend moved in she would do all the looking after”
tells me that you are really not ready to be committed to a proper relationship and all of the baggage that potentially comes with it.

Sorry but if you have a baby together you do know that babies and toddlers will cause mess and disruption to your clean freak routine?

By all means if having shiny floors and and pristine surfaces is more important to you than warmth and affection and the love of a woman, then it is best you split.

Please tell her as soon as possible. You have been very misleading by not mentioning this straightaway.

Edited to apologise for using term “clean freak” which is unfair. You are entitled to keep your house and live how you want but you should have been upfront the moment you felt your relationship was getting serious.

Edited

I already have a child. I’m not afraid of children

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 09/12/2024 14:47

Seeker42 · 09/12/2024 14:40

I didn’t once say I’d ask her to let her pet go. I wouldn’t expect that from her at all

Show quote history

No, but you've obviously discussed her having your child, after she moves in.

I don't think you're very keen on having her there, full stop.

You're entrenched in your ways, and you haven't brought up the elephant in the room yet.

I get the impression that you enjoy her company when she comes to stay, and you like the sex - but you also enjoy tidying up after she's gone, and having your house to yourself again.

You're still referring to it as your house. If she moved in, and had your child, wouldn't you want to give her the security of owning half? Or the security of marriage?

Kerkyra2024 · 09/12/2024 14:47

My boyfriend knows me and my dogs and fish are a package deal thankfully he lives them and the dogs love him in return. This would 100% be a deal breaker for me if I was expected to ditch my dogs.

TheShellBeach · 09/12/2024 14:48

Where is your child's mother @Seeker42?