Should I pay for his care?

[Rubesandme]

I’ll try to keep this as short as possible.

Im the youngest of 5 siblings, all girls. My dad was desperate for a boy and I was his last chance as my mother said this (me) was absolutely her last pregnancy. Sadly for him he got another girl. It coloured my life, he made no attempt to have a relationship with me, we weren’t close, growing up I never really noticed as I was very close to my mother (she died 7 years ago) but as an adult I did.

Financially, my dad provided well for the family and despite being working class I never felt like I missed out on anything, clothes, holidays etc..but emotionally there was nothing.

fast forward to now and Dad is in dementia care home for last 3 years. The sale of the family home has afforded him wonderful care ( according to my sisters as I rarely visit, no point as I just get put downs from him) but the money has nearly run out and if we are to keep him there, there is a shortfall of £5k a month or he will have to be moved to a different home (he’s 92)

none of my sisters can afford the shortfall but I can through a twist of fate. Something happened to me 30 years ago and I was awarded nearly near £1 million. To explain this has been a long fight through the courts for the last 30 years and I finally recieved this amount last year.

Myself and OH are now in our 60s, we’ve worked hard, have a comfortable lifestyle, and decent pension and savings (even excluding the compensation) both retired and live in a lovely location.

we have 3 adult children ( and 6 GC) who we have gifted Large amounts following the payout. What im saying is We don’t need the money.

i know when push comes to shove I will pay the shortfall (he’s still my Dad) but I feel slightly resentful. Not even sure why I came on here, probably just to write it down. Would be interested to hear any comments.

Absolutely not! That's your hard fought for money for you and your family. It will dwindle quickly at that rate if he lives many more years. He will need to move to a cheaper home.

I have no advice but if you haven’t found the Stately Homes thread yet, have a read through https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5178966-october-2024-but-we-took-you-to-stately-homes.

Lots of people there have very ambivalent feelings about their parents.

I wouldn’t judge you if you didn’t pay it.
You don’t know how long he will live for.
thats your children/grandchildren’s future money.

And the sad truth is if his dementia is very advanced it probably won’t make a lot of difference to him.

in my experience those fancy expensive homes are not always better, the environment might be nicer for family to visit but in the end it comes down to staff. Let the local authority find another one that meets his needs.

if he was in his right mind would he want you spending your family’s money on keeping him there? I don’t think I would.

No. If he lived for a further 5 years, that’s £300k in fees you’d be paying.

No, if you’ve been awarded that much money it’s probably becasue you need it for your current and future care.

Tell your sisters it’s all tied up in investimemts and you can’t access it and stop telling them stuff.

Have posted about this before?

At £5k per month you’d burn through and awful lot of your money very quickly though! How much of it do you have left after the money you’ve given to your kids and grandkids? And how long is he likely to live (I know that’s a how long is a piece of string question!). He could live another 10 years and that’s £600k gone one someone who can’t even be nice to you!

Absolutely not.

Don't do it he clearly wouldn't have done it for you he resented you being born a girl ffs

No way!!!!!
He will still get care at another home.
Save the money for those who love you. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I hope you have support.

The judge awarded it to you not your dad

I would offer to pay it for a year and say it's up to the others to make arrangements after that. I couldn't do nothing but nor would I take on the whole burden of payment.

I would have no hesitation in saying no. Apart from providing for his family, as most parents do, he has given you no emotional support, no acknowledgement of love. So I believe you owe him nothing. Use your money to enhance your own life.

To be brutally honest, since he has dementia, it will make little difference to him where he lives. The local council will fund his care appropriately, once his own money runs out.
Keep your money for your own old age, and for your family's future.

And that is what they call karma!!
Your Dad had a choice in how he treated you (I was aware my mum desperately wanted a boy, but she didn’t ignore me for my whole childhood because I was a girl)
He doesn’t deserve your time or money, he can go to a much lower cost home, I’m sure the care standard would be the same, just less luxurious in terms of decor and surroundings, and that’s life old man!!

He can move to a cheaper place. I wouldn’t do it. I too have had issues with my dad. He’s now 90 and a bit of a nightmare and I’ve decided I’ll do my bit, but I’ll never divert time and resources away from my own DC and DGC.

You pass it down, not up.

You had a raw deal from your dad, but you are only here because of him so he’s not nothing to you. Since you can easily afford the money and are very blessed in other ways, I’d say pay it. 92 is too old to be moved to a strange new place.

It would be a no from me and I wouldn’t feel a drop of guilt.

No definitely not. You should not pay .
This happens all the time OP do not feel guilty.

He's got dementia, he won't even know or care where he's living and you should absolutely not offer to pay. If you have to make up some excuse for your family tell them it's tied up in long term bonds for your children.

To answer a few comments, no I haven’t posted before. Secondly, I really don’t need the money now for my care and don’t think I’ll need it in the future ( but who knows) obviously I would like to help my kids and GC ( one of whom is autistic and may need extra financial help as an adult)
I’m not sure how he would feel about it if he was in his right mind.

No from me

The money you have, if you keep it, could provide for you or your husband's care in the future which allows your children to make the best choices for you and retain an inheritance for them or you DGC. This would be my priority as the child of an estranged parent.

I think I would pay for maybe 6 months - enough time for your sisters to sort out alternative options.

Just wanted to add. My Mum is in a home . It's the cheapest one around the area and it's fantastic.She pays for her own care too. It hasn't got all bells and whistles but the care and the heart of the place is wonderful. The residents l see with Dementia, don't even know what day if the week it is, they don't know their own family sometimes and sadly l don't think they would realise they were in a different place if they had to be moved tbh .

I think your attitude to the money that was paid to you to compensate you is connected to how you feel about yourself because of your dad's lack of interest in you. In other words you struggle to really feel that you matter or deserve to have the money if someone else needs it even though it was there to compensate you for something presumably pretty traumatic and/or life altering given the size of the payout. The court case must have been stressful too. However if you can't hold onto your money for yourself do it for your children and grandchildren. Who will benefit most from that money - your dad or your kids? I strongly believe your kids will benefit way way more from such a huge amount of money than your dad having a slightly better care home for the last few years of his life when he is likely completely unaware. I really do think you are heading towards making a huge mistake.