Should I pay for his care?

[Rubesandme]

I’ll try to keep this as short as possible.

Im the youngest of 5 siblings, all girls. My dad was desperate for a boy and I was his last chance as my mother said this (me) was absolutely her last pregnancy. Sadly for him he got another girl. It coloured my life, he made no attempt to have a relationship with me, we weren’t close, growing up I never really noticed as I was very close to my mother (she died 7 years ago) but as an adult I did.

Financially, my dad provided well for the family and despite being working class I never felt like I missed out on anything, clothes, holidays etc..but emotionally there was nothing.

fast forward to now and Dad is in dementia care home for last 3 years. The sale of the family home has afforded him wonderful care ( according to my sisters as I rarely visit, no point as I just get put downs from him) but the money has nearly run out and if we are to keep him there, there is a shortfall of £5k a month or he will have to be moved to a different home (he’s 92)

none of my sisters can afford the shortfall but I can through a twist of fate. Something happened to me 30 years ago and I was awarded nearly near £1 million. To explain this has been a long fight through the courts for the last 30 years and I finally recieved this amount last year.

Myself and OH are now in our 60s, we’ve worked hard, have a comfortable lifestyle, and decent pension and savings (even excluding the compensation) both retired and live in a lovely location.

we have 3 adult children ( and 6 GC) who we have gifted Large amounts following the payout. What im saying is We don’t need the money.

i know when push comes to shove I will pay the shortfall (he’s still my Dad) but I feel slightly resentful. Not even sure why I came on here, probably just to write it down. Would be interested to hear any comments.

I don't think you should pay. He's not kind to you. The cheaper home will be totally acceptable. It's not like they can open dementia homes then not provide decent care. She says, hopefully...
It may not have fancy grounds and the facilities may be more basic, but he won't be neglected I don't think. It's not like he's going to be kicked out onto the streets.

I definitely wouldn't pay the entire short-fall and as people have already suggested - I would time stamp it/cap it.

Whilst £1M is a lot it is far from the magic porridge pot (and not what you got this money for!) and you could very well end up depriving your own family or yourself of good care down the line, if you are paying £5K/month for years on end.

My father died of dementia and at the end of his life was in a care home (just a few months but no idea that would be the case at the time of course). My brother and I are reasonably well off - we didn't top up his care money (although were asked to). I feel no guilt. He shared a room (oblivious to that) and he had good care.

It doesn’t work like this though.
The state will only act to find an alternative when there’s no option because the current home are on their back that their fees aren’t being paid.

You can’t extend a search over a year really because it’s about where has a vacancy at the time it’s needed, and for obvious (and sad) reasons that changes all the time.

No I wouldn’t pay. He can go to a cheaper home

I think I would pay it with the rationale that he provided financially for you and you can do the same for him. You can also withdraw emotionally as he did you.

Please don’t pay that. Put the money in high interest account or a trust for your DGC, so
maybe one day they can afford to buy a home in the future. Or put it away for your own care you may need one day.
I don’t say this because he was distant/ wanted a boy. But because £5k a month for a care home is fucking ridiculous.
He should be taken care of, but it shouldn’t bleed his children dry to do so. There has to be other options that can be explored.

Would he even want you to pay it at that stage of dementia? Will he actually mind or care being moved or even notice?

£60k pa at todays prices, will increase in future years, and people with dementia can live a long time post-diagnosis if otherwise fit and well. He’s 92 but what if he lives to 100 in his plushy pad? What if he needs to move to nursing care which is even more expensive?

You’re a better person than I, OP, for even considering it since he’s put nothing but misery into your life. I’d be using the money to improve the lives of people who loved me- children and grandchildren. To me money is for helping people, but it is of course your choice how you direct your own funds.

Definitely not. My own dad was lovely and I would have moved heaven and earth for him. But yours placed no value on you because you are female. Your life is happy despite his lack of affection, you don't owe him anything.
He will be fine if he has to move.

Unlike most people, I would pay for his care. I luckily had a very different relationship with my father, but it is your relationships with your sisters that will suffer if you don't (even if they don't deliberately guilt you). At 92, 3 years into needing a care home, and with dementia, he is not going to live another 10 years. You could agree with your sisters to look for an alternative home but moving with dementia is very unsettling. You could agree to fund the shortfall for a specific period (does your father have any assets left which could be ring fenced to pay you back?).

No.

Stuff it.
The state will pay.
And I say that as someone who thinks the state has enough to pay for already.

Don’t pay it. My father died almost a decade ago from early onset Alzheimer’s (I’m not yet 40 myself). We were actually very close and he was wonderful but I don’t feel bad saying that it was fine when he was moved to a cheaper home (he had been very well off but my goodness it goes fast!). As someone else said, the first home was nice to visit but at the second the staff seemed more involved and gave us more feedback about how he was doing, and that’s what matters. By all means don’t let them move him to a home you don’t get good vibes from, but the aesthetics won’t matter to him.

The thing is that they chose a luxury home for him without considering whether he could stay there for good. To have a £5K shortfall per month is just crazy and frankly they had no right to get him used to somewhere like that when it wasn't sustainable.

People do change care homes all the time and they do quickly get used to their new place. He has dementia so it's not as though he's going to keep remembering all the little extras he had.

If you've been fighting through the courts for thirty years, you deserve that money. It's for you and your family. He's not deserving in any way of any of that money. He needs to go into a home he can afford. He will quickly get used to it.

Hmm, difficult one.

I know how hard it is to find good homes, but this has been badly managed by your sisters putting him in such an expensive home. I wouldn't blame you for not paying, only your conscience can tell you that.

I know 92 is a good age but my DM was in a care home and there were other residents in there who were over a hundred!

Perhaps give them a set amount and say that's it.

Firstly, I agree with others and wouldn't contribute a penny.
However, it sounds like you will so how about giving a set amount, say £100k and saying that's it? Better than committing for a set number of years. It's up to your sisters then to decide how it's spent.
Personally, I'd look for a cheaper home. My DM is in a fantastic place that is run by a not for profit organisation and all I have to contribute is £90 a week!

Only really read your replies
I would offer to pay a fixed amount, say 2 years and thereafter he moves or they pay
by that time if he is still around he’ll be away with the fairies and wont notice

I would suggest you agree to pay a certain amount (maybe half the shortfall) for the next three- six months while they explore options with the council, just to give your sister some breathing room. I don't see why the other 4 siblings can't contribute at all to the shortfall, and as others have said, this was quite predictable.

Exactly this, it will be over £600,000 if he lives another 8 years.

It's horrible to say but if he has dementia he won't know either way anyway.

I'd rather feel guilty about not paying for that than feel guilty about not giving my kids as much of a legacy. Also, you never know what's around the corner. What happened if, heaven forbid, someone close to you needed some expensive private treatment or help with something?

Also, it sounds the money came from a difficult place and struggle, he has done nothing to offset or help with the struggles in your life so why should he reap the rewards?

This is more about your relationship with your sisters than with your dad, how connected are you to them and how connected do you want to be going forwards? I'd not want to pay for your dad in your shoes, but maybe for the wider family it is different.

£1m quite honestly isn't a massive amount these days. You've given a good chunk to your children and GC, so you've got plenty for you and your husband to use but probably not live a life of.luxury. you are under no obligation to do this. Even if he lived 2 more years that's over a fifth of your payout.

Why would you spend your money on him when you have children and grandchildren that actually give a shit about you?

No brainer.

I agree - a compromise would be to pay for six months and then that's it. That's far more than I would do. That's then £30,000 - surely nobody could expect you to pay more than that for someone you has never shown you any love or care?

Actually, scrap that. Make it three months. If you give your sisters six months they will take even longer.

If the other sisters were doing a grand each I might think about it.

What did they think would happen when his money ran out?

The local authorities will pick up his care fees as his estate has run out of money. They need to apply for a financial assessment from their local authority.

I absolutely agree with this. My DM ended up in a very expensive home as we thought we were doing the best for her that we could. It had fresh flowers, no smell, good quality furniture, etc. But not enough staff - I now realise that privately owned care homes are out to make a profit and spend as little as possible on staff.

But do check that Soc Services won’t pay for your father to continue where he is when his money runs out. (Don’t tell them about your money.) They sometimes do this to avoid having to move residents.