Should I pay for his care?

[Rubesandme]

I’ll try to keep this as short as possible.

Im the youngest of 5 siblings, all girls. My dad was desperate for a boy and I was his last chance as my mother said this (me) was absolutely her last pregnancy. Sadly for him he got another girl. It coloured my life, he made no attempt to have a relationship with me, we weren’t close, growing up I never really noticed as I was very close to my mother (she died 7 years ago) but as an adult I did.

Financially, my dad provided well for the family and despite being working class I never felt like I missed out on anything, clothes, holidays etc..but emotionally there was nothing.

fast forward to now and Dad is in dementia care home for last 3 years. The sale of the family home has afforded him wonderful care ( according to my sisters as I rarely visit, no point as I just get put downs from him) but the money has nearly run out and if we are to keep him there, there is a shortfall of £5k a month or he will have to be moved to a different home (he’s 92)

none of my sisters can afford the shortfall but I can through a twist of fate. Something happened to me 30 years ago and I was awarded nearly near £1 million. To explain this has been a long fight through the courts for the last 30 years and I finally recieved this amount last year.

Myself and OH are now in our 60s, we’ve worked hard, have a comfortable lifestyle, and decent pension and savings (even excluding the compensation) both retired and live in a lovely location.

we have 3 adult children ( and 6 GC) who we have gifted Large amounts following the payout. What im saying is We don’t need the money.

i know when push comes to shove I will pay the shortfall (he’s still my Dad) but I feel slightly resentful. Not even sure why I came on here, probably just to write it down. Would be interested to hear any comments.

The council will pay some once money runs out and you could pay the rest ... I wouldn't but it's up to you.

No. He won't even notice anyway.
He made plenty of choices when you were a child that didn't consider you in any way.

And you were a child.

If you don't need it yourself that money is your DC/DGC's inheritance, I couldn't take that from them for the sake of a father who never cared for me.

No do not reward his misogyny. That money is for you.

No no and no.

Instead of paying for the expensive home, a nice gesture to your dad might be to put effort into finding him a cheaper one, where he can still get his basic needs met.

I agree you shouldn't pay, not necessarily because of the boy/girl thing but because as others have said, it will make no difference to him.

My Dad died of dementia and the sad truth is, it's not really your dad any more. So (a) try your best to ensure his basic needs are met and (b) don't pay any mind to the put downs and and nasty things he might say to you. My dad said some awful things to me that made me cry but you have to remember his brain is dying.

No way would I do this.

Spend your money on the relatives who are nice to you and who want you to be in the world.

Nah, I wouldn't pay - how do your sisters feel about you paying or not paying?

Good grief no chance, he could burn through your savings in no time. Tell your siblings you gave it all to your family and there's not enough left. Are you sure there is a shortfall and they're not trying to get money from you?

Your family - kids, gc will need far more going forward than your dad. Your dad made his feelings clear and as a result the relationship is damaged.

he will have to move homes. He could live for another 5 years perhaps more.

there is a satisfactory solution; he moves to an affordable location.

Give it to your children

There’s a shortfall of £5k per month - how much does this fucking place cost?

OP you would be insane to blow hundred of thousands of pounds on keeping somebody who doesn’t even like you in the lap of luxury. There will be cheaper homes which are perfectly good. Your grandchildren could buy a house with the money you are considering pissing up the wall on your dad’s gold plated nursing home.

I wouldn't pay a penny towards his care. I really don't get it when a parent has been horrible yet the child says "But he's still my dad"
My mother was horrible to me and my sister and we both agreed we wouldn't do anything to help her out in later years- we didn't choose to have her as our mother. She chose to bdme horrible to her kids.

I wouldn’t.

Another who says no. I thought that once a self-funded care placement ran out then the state pays. Is that what you mean by moving to another care home? It's not like he will be shoved out onto the street- although I very much appreciate that some care homes are better than others.

You have absolutely no idea what your care needs will be in the future. In the past 15 years my parents went from healthy and active at 60 to incredibly chronically ill and debilitated by the age of 75.

I would tell your sisters that the money has mostly been spent and you are not in a position to pay £60,000 a year for what could be a number of years.
If you feel badly I would offer to split it 5 ways so you all pay the same or help them find him a cheaper home.
Do not become their cash cow.

Do your sisters know about this money?

Don’t pay it. It’s yours, for you, any DC or DGC you want to gift it to - or heck, even the local cats home. You don’t have to pay anything towards your father. You really don’t.

Definitely don't just take it on. Let the local authority intervene and hold a Best Interests meeting.

There may be several options, such as moving to a cheaper room within the same home. The LA may have some cheaper beds in that home.

You could potentially fund a much lower top up, the LA may decide they will fund the top up if no family members will and it is not safe for your dad to be moved.

There are lots of different possibilities so don't agree to such a large financial commitment, regardless of your relationship with your dad.

No.

5K a month shortfall?

Bloody hell!

It would be a no from me.

They have taken all his assets-they shouldn't now be starting on yours!

Nope, he's been a crappy dad to you so you owe him absolutely nothing.
Karma!
Even if you don't need the money, I'm sure your kids would need it more than him.

It's harder to actually walk away, than saying the words. The shortfall of £5K per month, will soon eat into whatever compensation you have left, after giving your children financial gifts. £5K a month is £60K per year. Personally, I'd look into finding a decent but cheaper home. You don't have any obligation to pay for your Dad's care, especially as you don't have a real relationship with him.

Think about your feelings to your dad, what has he brought to your life. Then think about your children and grandchildren. There are people I would do this for if I could, my dad certainly isn't one of them.

There's a lot of talk on this thread about how awful your dad was. To me he sounds like an emotionally distant father who nonetheless provided for you and your sisters. Hardly the world's greatest villain.

I'm not saying this means you should pay for his care.

Rhetorical questions, please don't actually answer them here - how do you know he was disappointed to have you? Was he different to you than your sisters? Did he say something to you later in life, after dementia may have taken hold? If you've already considered these questions and come to your conclusions then fair enough.

Plenty of men are emotionally distant, and it's not too unreasonable for a man to want a son. Possibly he loved you but couldn't show it. Anyway, none of this means you should fork out tons for the care. Just work with your sisters to get him comfortable in his last years.

Your first two sentences are largely untrue. I agree with your third though.