Should I pay for his care?

[Rubesandme]

I’ll try to keep this as short as possible.

Im the youngest of 5 siblings, all girls. My dad was desperate for a boy and I was his last chance as my mother said this (me) was absolutely her last pregnancy. Sadly for him he got another girl. It coloured my life, he made no attempt to have a relationship with me, we weren’t close, growing up I never really noticed as I was very close to my mother (she died 7 years ago) but as an adult I did.

Financially, my dad provided well for the family and despite being working class I never felt like I missed out on anything, clothes, holidays etc..but emotionally there was nothing.

fast forward to now and Dad is in dementia care home for last 3 years. The sale of the family home has afforded him wonderful care ( according to my sisters as I rarely visit, no point as I just get put downs from him) but the money has nearly run out and if we are to keep him there, there is a shortfall of £5k a month or he will have to be moved to a different home (he’s 92)

none of my sisters can afford the shortfall but I can through a twist of fate. Something happened to me 30 years ago and I was awarded nearly near £1 million. To explain this has been a long fight through the courts for the last 30 years and I finally recieved this amount last year.

Myself and OH are now in our 60s, we’ve worked hard, have a comfortable lifestyle, and decent pension and savings (even excluding the compensation) both retired and live in a lovely location.

we have 3 adult children ( and 6 GC) who we have gifted Large amounts following the payout. What im saying is We don’t need the money.

i know when push comes to shove I will pay the shortfall (he’s still my Dad) but I feel slightly resentful. Not even sure why I came on here, probably just to write it down. Would be interested to hear any comments.

Absolutely not. That money could go to your DC and grandchildren. Don’t waste it on care for an awful parent.

^depends what stage he's in. Towards the end they don't have a clue what's going on and just need basic needs met. I speak from experience, maybe you do too.

(This was meant for Porcuporpoise)

What would happen if you didn’t have the money? Most people couldn’t afford £5k per month to top up care fees. What would you do if the fees increased to £6k or £8k - where would you draw the line? Just because you can pay doesn’t mean you should.

He wouldn't get a penny from me. Use the money for your DC and DGC's benefit not his.

No. I wouldn’t do it in your situation. You may need that money for care yourself at some point. He will still be cared for 24/7 by the state when the money runs out, he won’t be left on the street.

I’m sorry he was so unkind to you.

Your father would be best served in a home he can afford. Bluntly speaking he could live for many years and you could be having this dilemma again.

In your shoes I wouldn't pay the money. Let him move into a cheaper home. You may not need the money now but you don't know what care you, your husband or your family will need in the future.

Are you being pressured to pay the money? I hope not! Surely your sisters are well aware of the relationship you have with your dad?

Your dad will be well taken care of no matter which care home he's in. He'll be warm and well fed. You don't need to spend your families inheritance on someone who doesn't deserve it.

£5k a month is a huge amount of money.

You sound like you have a fair bit of money, but you don’t have enough to throw it around and you have children to think of.

Sorry I wouldn’t pay in these circumstances. Perhaps a few months more to work things out, and then possibly a lower contribution towards a more reasonably costed care home.

yes, we’ve already had this discussion, the council will pay roughly 4k per month but the shortfall at this home is a further 5k

You will be acting like a martyr though if you pay those fees. I'm really sorry but you have no relationship with your father and you do with your children. Focus on your children and not on your dad. He will be fine wherever he goes. At worst he'll have a difficult week while he settles in. He gave you a difficult childhood! He doesn't deserve your money and actually doesn't need it either.

Also I wish someone would tell him that it's the sperm that determines the sex of the baby.

If I was in your position I wouldn't. The money is for you. You may well need it as you age, then who's going to help you?

My Dad’s burning through the money in a care home. I actually quite like him.

If his money runs out I wouldn’t top up his fees. He’d have to move if the home wouldn’t accept the council rate.

Any money I have is to help my children. I know if Dad still had capacity he’d agree with that stance. You have nothing to feel bad about.

I agree. He will be adequately cared for by the Council. I don't think it would be wise to pay for a short time as problem on what to do will still be there.

I don't understand why you would put your Dad who doesn't care about you, above your own children and grandchildren? Because that is what you would be doing

No. He can move to another adequate home which the council will cover and you should gift the money to your family members or put it in trust now, it could be life-changing for them

How close are you to your siblings and what kind of relationship do you have? would you gift them any? Then if they want to spend some on his care, they can. Be interesting to see what they would do...

My sisters know I have the money but have never put any pressure on me whatsoever to pay. The 5k shortfall was brought up in conversation recently as a part of the ‘ this is where are and this is the situation’ meeting (it’s always been agreed that all 5 of us be kept in the loop over Dads situation) so everyone knows what going on. But definitely no pressure on me to pay.

Because he is an old man who is still my father and because I can afford to?
Yes I would gift to my siblings, within reason, if they needed it.
I have been over this is my head every which way and I am leaning towards paying for a couple of years (if he’s still around) and making it clear that that will be my contribution and the others will have to make arrangements thereafter. One thing I’m angsting over is that one of my sisters is really distraught over the situation, losing sleep over having to tell him/deal with it and I know it’s making her quite ill (obviously she is close to Dad) and I want to relieve her of that worry (if only temporarily) I must be mad or something.

I wouldn't pay care fees for a parent who made it clear I wasn't loved or wanted for whatever reason while growing up. Anyone who can treat a child like that isn't a good person.

He deserves what he gets.

I’m sorry your dad is ill.

But don’t pay this. Your Dad sounds pretty appalling being cross about a baby’s sex all those years. Especially since it’s biologically his fault.

There are other care homes that don’t cost over £5K a month that he could move to. If he had no house to sell, he would have been looked after in one of those anyway.

That money is for you and your family. I hope you haven’t told your siblings about your compensation money, but if you have, and they ask for it, just lie and say it’s all tied up in trust funds for your children. If you haven’t told them, keep it that way. No good ever comes of telling family about money you have. Inevitably they start deciding you ‘don’t need it’ you are ‘selfish not to share with family’ etc etc.

Tell your siblings you'll match what they pay.

Once your dad’s assets fall below a certain amount, they will pay for all his care, not just part of it.

They will, but sadly it often means moving to a more affordable home.

I would not. Once his assets drop to the current threshold (think it's £23k) or are predicted to within 6 months they need to speak to social services for a needs assessment, they will then advise on options to continue his care with them funding it, which may mean moving him but may not, they can negotiate on fees if they are paying the bill.

Just be aware that sometimes in the county where I worked, families would be asked to “top up“ in this situation (I absolutely hated having to ask them to but management insisted, but I always emphasised there was no obligation and the council were duty bound to meet their relatives needs).

then if family couldn’t, on some occasions the council would negotiate with the care home and the person would end up being able to stay. Sometimes in a cheaper/smaller room, but sometimes the care home would just give them a much cheaper rate than the self funders.

or people did have to move, that happened frequently and wasn’t a massive deal.

tbh even without the issue of how your dad treated you, I don’t think you should top up.
he has exhausted his funds, now let the state step in.

you might need that so that you can have a choice of care home or expensive care in your own home when you’re elderly.

Which can be the same or even better standard of care!

Have your sisters looked into what help there might be from the local authority? They won't necessarily want to move him either.

The average length of stay in a care home is 2-3 years, so the chances are your father won't be there for long anyway.