Should I pay for his care?

[Rubesandme]

I’ll try to keep this as short as possible.

Im the youngest of 5 siblings, all girls. My dad was desperate for a boy and I was his last chance as my mother said this (me) was absolutely her last pregnancy. Sadly for him he got another girl. It coloured my life, he made no attempt to have a relationship with me, we weren’t close, growing up I never really noticed as I was very close to my mother (she died 7 years ago) but as an adult I did.

Financially, my dad provided well for the family and despite being working class I never felt like I missed out on anything, clothes, holidays etc..but emotionally there was nothing.

fast forward to now and Dad is in dementia care home for last 3 years. The sale of the family home has afforded him wonderful care ( according to my sisters as I rarely visit, no point as I just get put downs from him) but the money has nearly run out and if we are to keep him there, there is a shortfall of £5k a month or he will have to be moved to a different home (he’s 92)

none of my sisters can afford the shortfall but I can through a twist of fate. Something happened to me 30 years ago and I was awarded nearly near £1 million. To explain this has been a long fight through the courts for the last 30 years and I finally recieved this amount last year.

Myself and OH are now in our 60s, we’ve worked hard, have a comfortable lifestyle, and decent pension and savings (even excluding the compensation) both retired and live in a lovely location.

we have 3 adult children ( and 6 GC) who we have gifted Large amounts following the payout. What im saying is We don’t need the money.

i know when push comes to shove I will pay the shortfall (he’s still my Dad) but I feel slightly resentful. Not even sure why I came on here, probably just to write it down. Would be interested to hear any comments.

You reap what you sow.... Spend your money on those who bring you joy imo...as has been said your df won't even know where he is...
Donate some money to a charity for the elderly if it would help.... Plenty of lovely oldies needing some help I am sure....

I think I would agree to pay for 1 year to find a good state funded alternative. I certainly don’t think you should spend too much of your money on this as your kids/gc will benefit more from the money. As others have said your Dad may not actually have wanted you to spend the money on his care and as long as he is receiving good care from state funded care then the frills of nicer home is really not necessary. If I were 92 with dementia I wouldn’t want my kids wasting their money on me.

OP, I think you are being too kind in even considering it. Don't do it. A shame for your sister but she obviously has a different relationship with him.

OP, I sense from your update you are determined to do this.

If so start by talking to the home about whether anything can be done about fees. Occasionally they sometimes lower them to keep a stable long term patient in place rather than the upheaval of a move, a void and settling in a new resident. It’s worth a conversation.

Similarly talk to the local authority about what is the maximum they would contribute.

Can your siblings contribute at all? Ifeel they should have some skin in the game if they’re wanting him to remain. For example if you pay 50% and they find 12.5% each.

And definitely time limit it. With the changes to NI etc in the budget the fees will be going up again soon I’d imagine. So please don’t write a blank cheque.

As I said upthread I don’t think you should pay at all, but these are things to consider if you really want to.

@Rubesandme absolutely not. You don’t know how your own situation might change. Also did you say £5k is the shortfall per month with £4k being paid by council/Dad? I known they are expensive but if it is £9k a month that seems to be a top price one! Your sister feeling bad is unfortunate but it is not on you to fix her … she needs to deal with her own feelings.

He could live another 10 years. Very likely another 5.

That would nearly be all that you were awarded for something awful that had happened to you.

What if you need care or your DH? No no no.

And I would say that if he was dad of the year, never mind that he isn't

Have you spoken to adult social care?
They may well not move a 92 year old

Very difficult OP. As you have DGC that may need your money through their adult life I think if I were you I would either 1. Not do it or 2 do it but only for a specified amount, or period of time, with a strong message there would be no more.

I don’t think a million is a lot today personally (as lovely as it is to have ) 💐

It's a tricky one and I think for me it would depend on how close I was to the sister who is distraught- so it would be more for her than your father.
On balance, I'd potentially offer a year up, but first I'd go and see him and perhaps assess how long he potentially could have left based on how his mental condition is currently affecting his physical condition. At 92, with dementia, it's unlikely he has long to go and, if you haven't seen him for a while , you might be best placed to note how much deterioration there has been since you last saw him. If its a lot, you will know that it is likely to speed up over time. If he is similar to last time, it could be a good while longer.
I think if you stick to a year, you have done more than enough, given that ultimately, its not going to make a huge difference where he is and at present, super care that is super expensive, is just prolonging a life that will probably not be an enjoyable one. Not many people would want to hang onto years of life once dementia has set in if you asked them about their future plans and they knew what was ahead in advance.

If there's an adequate alternative care home available I think you'd be justified in not paying.
But I will say that emotionally distant fathers were not unusual in previous generations, men were kept very separate from child rearing and didn't form the same bonds as mums. His way of showing care could have been in being a good provider for his family.

Problem is the figures are skewed as people usually enter care homes as last resort. OPs dad has already been in the care home longer than average.

It could be years.

If you must do it, agree a time limit. Say, a year. That's still a lot of money.

Yeah tbh this is an expensive one. When my sisters were looking at homes that had dementia care availability there saw a few awful ones and were determined they wouldn’t put him there. So when this one came up and they had space they kind of jumped at the chance as the situation was getting critical. By all accounts, he’s very well liked there and my sisters who visit frequently have good relationships with the staff and are very happy with his care. Without outing too much, this is in the home counties (one of the Shires) so quite possibly the most expensive outside London I imagine. Buts that’s where we are. You’re right about my sister….im very empathetic I guess.

No, absolutely not. Don't do it and I say this as someone works in the industry. These fancy care homes charging a fortune aren't worth it. The council will have to find him an appropriate placement with the funds available. Council run homes are far better then private (I work in private, my Mum works in council). The staff are paid fairly and they work to rule and policies. Private expensive homes pay their staff pittance, cut corners where possible to make as much profit as possible. Fur coat no knickers as we call it. Use your money on yourself! I also bet, instead of moving your Dad, the council will work out a deal with his current placement.

No, keep your money. If he's out of money/assets, social care will fund care now. He will have to move.

@Rubesandme so a cheaper home doesn’t have to be a worse home. They’ve chosen one that was expensive. They should have gone for a lower budget option that was sustainable. In fact this was inevitable unless your Dad had a short life expectancy. Even less your problem. Maybe do some research on cheaper homes (I spent ages visiting for atmosphere and reading reports and joining local facebook groups and asking about different place’s reputations). You may not think they are but they are relying on you paying. And that is unfair. They chose this place and they need to fix the problem; not you.

I’m not sure why you posted if you are doing it anyway, but for what it’s worth if it was me I wouldn’t pay. Nope, and no. You got that money for a reason, and it wasn’t to help an uncaring, unloving father who didn’t want you. There are sooo many better things you could do with extra money that would benefit other, much more deserving people op. Think about it.

Absolutely not.
He will need to be moved.
Your sister will have to learn to live with reality.

What really do you hope to achieve by spending this money? Your father has had decades to show you he loved you. He hasn’t done that. Do you feel there’s a possibility that by gifting this money you’ll actually feel worse about the lack of relationship, than you do already? That’s a big risk for your mental health. I would say this is potentially dangerous territory.

Support your sister and father to move him to a more regular home.

You seem resolute, but I think it's a very good point to consider what if you or DH needs future care? Or your autistic GC? I really do think you should keep the money.

All you will be doing is delaying the decision, it’s not clear how long he will live but even if you say you’ll pay for a couple of years, what happens then?
You have children and Grandchildren who may need the money more in the future. You need to remove the emotion from the situation (not easy I know) and look at the facts. Your siblings have placed no expectation on you, you have an autistic grandchild who may need support in the future (when the social care system may look very different and not necessarily for the better), you don’t know what your future care needs might be, your Dad’s not necessarily going to notice a change in how comfortable his surroundings are.
As pp have said, at 5 grand a month, that is going to add up to a large amount very quickly

Of course I would pay. It is not going to cost you financial hardship. He supported you financially. Not doing so seems vengeful. It would also hurt the wider family as they would have to deal with the trauma of moving your dad.

No from me.

Absolutely do not pay it.
No no no.
Please don't and please don't feel guilty tripped into it.
That money is for you.
I am so incensed by your post I just want to scream Noooooo.💐

This. Plus you need to consider how your siblings might feel if you don't pitch in when you can easily afford to do so.