Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I pay for his care?

279 replies

Rubesandme · 08/12/2024 08:34

I’ll try to keep this as short as possible.

Im the youngest of 5 siblings, all girls. My dad was desperate for a boy and I was his last chance as my mother said this (me) was absolutely her last pregnancy. Sadly for him he got another girl. It coloured my life, he made no attempt to have a relationship with me, we weren’t close, growing up I never really noticed as I was very close to my mother (she died 7 years ago) but as an adult I did.

Financially, my dad provided well for the family and despite being working class I never felt like I missed out on anything, clothes, holidays etc..but emotionally there was nothing.

fast forward to now and Dad is in dementia care home for last 3 years. The sale of the family home has afforded him wonderful care ( according to my sisters as I rarely visit, no point as I just get put downs from him) but the money has nearly run out and if we are to keep him there, there is a shortfall of £5k a month or he will have to be moved to a different home (he’s 92)

none of my sisters can afford the shortfall but I can through a twist of fate. Something happened to me 30 years ago and I was awarded nearly near £1 million. To explain this has been a long fight through the courts for the last 30 years and I finally recieved this amount last year.

Myself and OH are now in our 60s, we’ve worked hard, have a comfortable lifestyle, and decent pension and savings (even excluding the compensation) both retired and live in a lovely location.

we have 3 adult children ( and 6 GC) who we have gifted Large amounts following the payout. What im saying is We don’t need the money.

i know when push comes to shove I will pay the shortfall (he’s still my Dad) but I feel slightly resentful. Not even sure why I came on here, probably just to write it down. Would be interested to hear any comments.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 08/12/2024 15:12

No. Save it for your offspring.

Friend spent 300k on his mum. She was so far gone she could have been in Buckingham palace or a workhouse 100 years ago. His sister OTOH contributed nowt being far wiser.

Sleepysleepycoffeecoffee · 08/12/2024 15:12

Rubesandme · 08/12/2024 08:50

To answer a few comments, no I haven’t posted before. Secondly, I really don’t need the money now for my care and don’t think I’ll need it in the future ( but who knows) obviously I would like to help my kids and GC ( one of whom is autistic and may need extra financial help as an adult)
I’m not sure how he would feel about it if he was in his right mind.

Sorry but there is absolutely no way you can say you won’t need the money for your care in future (unless you’re currently living with a terminal illness and know what your last few weeks/ months will look like?). Anything can happen to you or your family at any time, so I would be saving the money for that

gamerchick · 08/12/2024 15:13

No, absolutely not.

You reap what you sow. He'll have to be moved somewhere cheaper

catofglory · 08/12/2024 15:14

It’s entirely up to you, but £9k a month is a ridiculous amount.

My mother is in a dementia care home in the south east and pays around £4300 a month. She was originally self funded but her money ran out and the local authority now fund in full (she contributes her pension). I originally chose it because it had a lovely atmosphere, but also because it was averagely priced and I envisaged the local authority paying in future. It is not posh or swanky, but the care is great.

There will almost certainly be good care homes available at considerably lower fees.

Terrribletwos · 08/12/2024 15:16

Rubesandme · 08/12/2024 08:50

To answer a few comments, no I haven’t posted before. Secondly, I really don’t need the money now for my care and don’t think I’ll need it in the future ( but who knows) obviously I would like to help my kids and GC ( one of whom is autistic and may need extra financial help as an adult)
I’m not sure how he would feel about it if he was in his right mind.

Absolutely not to funding his care! You may feel a little guilty now but you will feel a whole lot guilty later on that you did this....if you do! Don't do it!

Original poster
Rubesandme · 08/12/2024 15:31

HolidayHattie · 08/12/2024 14:19

He gave your sisters £500 each and gave you £50? That's your answer, right there. Offer to pay £50 - as a one off, per year or per month; up to you which.

Yeah, in fairness, at the point I was 60 ( a few years ago) my mother had not long died and Dad was starting to show signs of forgetfulness so, on that occasion, I gave him the benefit of the doubt but then again, I’m the sort who makes excuses for everyone, to keep the peace ( but it does get a bit wearing sometimes)

OP posts:
buckeejit · 08/12/2024 15:47

Hell no. Keep your money-state care will be fine & quite possibly better than private. You
Could buy a house with the money & leave a legacy to your children. You shouldn't feel obligated because of family ties. He never did & will not be in a position to appreciate it. What does your husband think?

Tiswa · 08/12/2024 16:05

@Rubesandme are your sisters really alright with you doing this as well bexause I wouldn’t want mine to take the hit at all

if they are it says an awful lot about your dynamic

at least start to look at options within the budget set by the LA

RedHelenB · 08/12/2024 16:11

justasking111 · 08/12/2024 15:12

No. Save it for your offspring.

Friend spent 300k on his mum. She was so far gone she could have been in Buckingham palace or a workhouse 100 years ago. His sister OTOH contributed nowt being far wiser.

Seriously? Just because you've lost your memory and are confused you may as well be in a workhouse? Hope my loved ones don't have that attitude, I wouldn't even want to someone I didn't love to be living in a workhouse.

pikkumyy77 · 08/12/2024 16:11

  1. You absolutely have no way of knowing you or your husband will not need exactly the same level of care your df does eventually. You have30 years left to funnd right now.

  2. you suffered trauma of neglect from your father as s child, snd as the fifth girl must also have complex relationships with the other four. You are displaying signs of freeze/collapse and dissociation from emotions that seem a bit typical for that experience.

  3. your thoughts about giving the money are really not rational. It is irrational to give it to him to keep the illusion that you are all one happy, dutiful, family.

healthybychristmas · 08/12/2024 16:43

Just a second, if he has to find £5000 per month, what about his pension? He'll have a state pension and does he also have a work pension? I have a feeling that your sisters have taken on his habit of treating you as different to them. They are certainly not looking at spending any of their own money. When you got your compensation, I imagine that caused quite a bit of a stir within your family. They now see this as a way of relieving you of that money

Flossflower · 08/12/2024 17:06

healthybychristmas · 08/12/2024 16:43

Just a second, if he has to find £5000 per month, what about his pension? He'll have a state pension and does he also have a work pension? I have a feeling that your sisters have taken on his habit of treating you as different to them. They are certainly not looking at spending any of their own money. When you got your compensation, I imagine that caused quite a bit of a stir within your family. They now see this as a way of relieving you of that money

The local authority will include his pension in the amount they are prepared to give to the care home. He will be allowed to keep about £30 a week for personal care.

CurledUpLikeADog · 08/12/2024 17:08

catofglory · 08/12/2024 15:14

It’s entirely up to you, but £9k a month is a ridiculous amount.

My mother is in a dementia care home in the south east and pays around £4300 a month. She was originally self funded but her money ran out and the local authority now fund in full (she contributes her pension). I originally chose it because it had a lovely atmosphere, but also because it was averagely priced and I envisaged the local authority paying in future. It is not posh or swanky, but the care is great.

There will almost certainly be good care homes available at considerably lower fees.

I was visiting my aunt in a care home last week. She’s pays £1450 per week for dementia care. She is in Southport and the home is standard.

Holesintheground · 08/12/2024 17:27

Look at it this way OP. If you were told you could spend that money in one of two ways but not both, those being
A - on your dad's care
B - on your own care, care for your husband, or any help and support your children needed

What would you pick? Remember, what you spend on A will be lost forever from what you could spend on B. B could be a low amount or it could turn out to be very, very high. You have said you have a child in the family who may well have needs that money could help meet.

This is actually the decision you're making. Your dad or yourself, your husband and children.

Northernlassie123 · 08/12/2024 17:36

If the money has run out local authority should step in. Find out if they’ll allow him to stay where he is ( haven’t read the thread) ?

Northernlassie123 · 08/12/2024 17:47

Sorry just reread and the 5000 is shortfall. That’s eye wateringly expensive. I also read you’re worrying about your sisters , I would too but they chose this carehome knowing that he only had three years funds. We all want the best for our LO but 9000 is crazy unless you’re really well off. You may have come in to money but you will burn through it fast at that rate.

callmebuffy · 08/12/2024 18:03

No way OP.

Let him rot in a shitty care home.

StrawberryWater · 08/12/2024 18:19

I wouldn't. Sod him.

If I was feeling generous I might put some towards it but not all. I would just say that 1) the money has been invested already and 2) the 1m payout has stipulations on it about what you can do with that money (a lie or not, they don't need to know that!).

Tiswa · 08/12/2024 18:20

callmebuffy · 08/12/2024 18:03

No way OP.

Let him rot in a shitty care home.

That is the thing it probably isn’t just more 3 star average than the 5 start luxury he probably isn’t get the best out of

Eddielizzard · 08/12/2024 18:20

I'm so sorry Rubesandmes. In light of that, I absolutely would NOT contribute. What a mean, vindictive excuse for a father. He doesn't deserve a penny.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/12/2024 18:23

@Rubesandme

I'm so sorry this situation has brought up painful memories for you. But use them as fire in your belly. Just say 'no'.

Tell yourself that he doesn't deserve your consideration now he's old, because you owe him none. Remember that he absolutely DID owe you consideration when you were young and he gave you none. In fact he was deliberately cruel to you. Turnabout's fair play.

As far as your sisters go, if they haven't asked directly, just say nothing. I'm sure they knew how he treated you and it's quite possible that they wouldn't expect you to offer anything. I know that if I was in their situation I certainly wouldn't!

Spend a bit of time deciding what to say if they should ask directly and write it down and put it in a drawer. It may be needed, it may not. And if you 'weaken' you can always take it out and read it to remind you that you owe that old goat nothing!

Rosscameasdoody · 08/12/2024 18:23

Northernlassie123 · 08/12/2024 17:36

If the money has run out local authority should step in. Find out if they’ll allow him to stay where he is ( haven’t read the thread) ?

This is a good point. Sometimes the LA will have places in the better care homes if the home itself has an LA rate.

GivingitToGod · 08/12/2024 18:27

diddl · 08/12/2024 12:54

OP's father worked hard to provide for his family

Well that's nothing extraordinary is it?

I mean if he hadn't been so determined to have a boy there might have been less kids to provide for!

Unfair comment. Having financial responsibility for 5 children is enormous and cannot be assumed or taken for granted. Also, contraception was not so freely available/guaranteed when OP was born

ForkHandlesNotFourCandles · 08/12/2024 18:52

GivingitToGod · 08/12/2024 18:27

Unfair comment. Having financial responsibility for 5 children is enormous and cannot be assumed or taken for granted. Also, contraception was not so freely available/guaranteed when OP was born

Show quote history

1960s families were not all huge as contraception was available
The pill from 1961 and condoms of course from well before.
OPs dad wanted a son so they kept having kids.

Luddite26 · 08/12/2024 18:58

Well it certainly wasn't OPs fault she was born. Only 2 people had control over it.