Should I pay for his care?

[Rubesandme]

I’ll try to keep this as short as possible.

Im the youngest of 5 siblings, all girls. My dad was desperate for a boy and I was his last chance as my mother said this (me) was absolutely her last pregnancy. Sadly for him he got another girl. It coloured my life, he made no attempt to have a relationship with me, we weren’t close, growing up I never really noticed as I was very close to my mother (she died 7 years ago) but as an adult I did.

Financially, my dad provided well for the family and despite being working class I never felt like I missed out on anything, clothes, holidays etc..but emotionally there was nothing.

fast forward to now and Dad is in dementia care home for last 3 years. The sale of the family home has afforded him wonderful care ( according to my sisters as I rarely visit, no point as I just get put downs from him) but the money has nearly run out and if we are to keep him there, there is a shortfall of £5k a month or he will have to be moved to a different home (he’s 92)

none of my sisters can afford the shortfall but I can through a twist of fate. Something happened to me 30 years ago and I was awarded nearly near £1 million. To explain this has been a long fight through the courts for the last 30 years and I finally recieved this amount last year.

Myself and OH are now in our 60s, we’ve worked hard, have a comfortable lifestyle, and decent pension and savings (even excluding the compensation) both retired and live in a lovely location.

we have 3 adult children ( and 6 GC) who we have gifted Large amounts following the payout. What im saying is We don’t need the money.

i know when push comes to shove I will pay the shortfall (he’s still my Dad) but I feel slightly resentful. Not even sure why I came on here, probably just to write it down. Would be interested to hear any comments.

In your position, I absolutely wouldnt be paying. I can empathise with why you're feeling torn about it but ultimately these are the consequences of your father's actions and you're under no obligation to facilitate him remaining in the home he's in.

Absolutely this too.

No.
Full stop.

This must be the around about price of shortfall. My parents have just gone thru this, my grandma's money ran out 3 months ago. My mum's siblings wanted her an my dad to pay a similar amount you've been quoted, the shortfall each month because they knew my parents worked hard and my dad had recently inherited his mum's money. My parents said no they would not be funding but would happily help look for a new home and now my grandma is happy if not a bit happier in her new place because there's more activities and days out at this one. It was a hard decision especially for my mum it being her mum and her siblings pressuring her. I think if my dad hadn't been firm mum would have handed it all over and left herself with nothing. Anyhow my grandma is happy my mum is happy and my parents have some savings still for the retirement rather than on a expensive home

There are plenty of good care homes out there that are not 'top of the range' for facilities

What care does he actually receive? If his dementia is advanced, does he leave his room? What facilities does he use? Does he need all the bells and whistles that are being paid for?

If another home looks good and has caring, compassionate staff (the most important part) then look around.

@Rubesandme you have no obligation to give him anything. It’s poor planning on the part of your siblings that they put him somewhere that his assets would only cover for 3 years.

Ultimately it comes down to what you can live with. If him moving to another facility will cause tension with you and your siblings is that something you can live with? Would it bother you that he was living in a less high-end facility and potentially getting less attention from care staff? I’m not saying these things should bother you but it’s whether they do or not because you are the one who knows whether you will feel guilty (rightly or wrongly) and will have to live with your choices.

You say the money isn’t an issue but his fees will go up annually and potentially if he needs additional care services. He might be 92 but he could well live for another 5+ years. Is that amount of money you are willing to give away?

it comes down to what sits right with your conscious and only you know what that decision should be.

Don't do it. He'll get just as good care in a cheaper home. £5K per month is ridiculously expensive.

Sorry but if your 4 sisters are adamant they want to keep him in there, they can't expect it to be funded by you.

I would absolutely say no and focus on helping my Grandkids with Uni and deposits etc. Dad won't know any difference.

I agree with this.

£5k a month is cheap!

No, I would absolutely not.
Given that his ways would have absolutely left emotional scars you've had to bare through your adult life, I'd pay it forward to my children and grandchildren, and absolutely forget about him, especially given you get put downs from him, current day.
No thank you very much.
£60k a year... you could fill your life with lovely, lovely experiences with that.

It's not 5k a month. It's £9k a month. The £5k is the shortfall each month

We had to move an aunt from an ordinary residential home to one with a dementia wing, as her dementia worsened and she was starting to bother the other residents.
We were worried about the move, but TBH she barely even seemed to notice.

As for what a pp said about the more expensive homes not necessarily being the best, I would heartily agree! We looked at so many homes before choosing for my Dm and FiL (both dementia). IMO smart ‘Homes and Gardens’ decor is usually there to impress relatives who are choosing. IMO cosy and homely, even if a bit shabby around the edges, and cheerful, friendly staff, are far more important.

Care homes are bloody expensive Op but £9 grand a month is over the top unless your DF needs constant one to one care. You're a kind woman if you're happy to pay out for your sisters benefit, but what happens if your DF lives to a 100?
My sympathies to you and your Sisters, having family with dementia is awful

In your situation, I would probably offer to make up the shortfall for a year or so (as you suggested). That gives your siblings time to work something else out. I'd say the same even if you were very close to your father. There's no way you should be picking up such a huge cost for the rest of his life.

I would pay a shortfall, but not £5k per month. I would see what alternatives are out there for say £1k above what the council will pay.

Your father worked all his life, paid into the 'system', bought a house which had to be sold to pay for his residential care. In my opinion, 'the system' now picks up on the shortfall.
Your compensation payment and the money you and your husband have saved for is for your future - not for over-inflated care home fees (trust me they ARE over-inflated).
No one knows what lies ahead for any of us and one of your children, your husband or even you might need care in the future.

I'm in a similar situation with my mother and understand the feeling of being torn.

Don't pay the money to avoid feeling uncomfortable. That discomfort is something you can work through, and you can use the money to pay a good therapist to help you if you need to!

Yes staff are far the most important when it comes to a good experience.

Offer 1k per month, no more. He could live many more years and the financial expectations won't stop with those monthly payments. If family get a whiff of loads of money, you will be asked for everything. Your Dad's 92, OP. Think really really hard before you hand over 5k!!!

Honestly, I'd pay the shortfall. If he's happy and comfortable where he is i would keep him there. I've seen a lot of shit holes and finding a place that you are comfortable with the quality of care is difficult. I would do it for my peace of mind. I think it's worth discussing what your siblings can reasonably chip in snd how long your prepared to do it for.

I wouldn't.

Sounds like a great decision in your case. I feel it’s different in ops case because she’s comfortably off plus has over 1 million in savings. Most people don’t!

No way OP, don’t do it! Give it all to your kids for their future if you don’t want the money. He will be fine in a cheaper home.

Presumably he has been self funding and has now dropped below the cutoff where the council kicks in. At £9K a month that sounds a top end home

Start looking around, prices and quality vary enormously (cost does not refect quality) , we looked at 15 homes before we were happy with one for our mum.

This.