Moved in with my partner and I did make a huge mistake - thread 2…

[haveimadeamistake]

Hope it’s okay to carry on posting as the thread has been a massive source of support for me and although I’ve asked him to leave, I could still really do with some support as I navigate the actual logistics of moving out and how to explain this to my DD.

link to previous thread:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5216942-moved-in-with-partner-and-i-might-have-made-a-huge-mistake?page=1

A verbal agreement doesn't mean anything. If you are genuine, just sign the form and get on with your life. Why make things more contentious than they need to be? People on MN love drama so they will try to rile you into creating unnecessary drama for their own entertainment.

A verbal agreement doesn't mean anything. If you are genuine, just sign the form and get on with your life.

You are probably right , but she doesn't have to be pressured to sign that on the doorstep when she gets her key.
She can still say she needs time to read and will post (to make sure its the same agreement she thought he was going to sign in the first place and that he hasn't snuck in anything new) or give that to her solicitor to give it the once over, sign it and post it.

It most certainly is not about drama.🙄

Its about basic cop on to allow the solicitor she has retained to do their job and protect her.

She moved in with him in good faith and bought a house with him.

She is leaving because of his mistreatment of her child right before Christmas.

Of course she should be very wary and not sign a thing.

If he changes his mind and decides to go back on his word, she would be told she was very foolish to sign anything without her solicitors involvement.

Personally if you were my daughter I would tell you not to trust him as far as you can throw him, and wait to hear the advice of your solicitor first.

Of course it's about drama. Anyone with any sense would have talked this stuff out with their ex and made a sensible plan to split physically and financially. But not on MN. Instead everyone goaded the OP into secretly plotting an "escape", even though she wasn't in danger, with zero finacial planning and while jointly responsible for a mortgage. It's only because he has said he will pay the mortgage himself and sell the/a house that she isn't completely screwed right now. Stop pushing her to push him. He might get fed up and say "You know what, fuck you. Sort this shit out yourself." She needs to be civil, not antagonistic. For her sake and her daughter's.

She didn't do that though. She just ignored him. She has no interest in discussing it with him because she verbally told him she doesn't want his money, which in reality means nothing. So as far as he is concerned it means she might still go after the money. This is unnecessary drama if she genuinely has no interest in doing that.

She said they'd agreed she could collect the key tomorrow and he mentioned they should discuss the minutes of agreement then... and you are right she said she didn't respond...
I was just saying when she collects the key, she doesn't have to sign the agreement then and there on the doorstep she can ask for time to read it and return by post ( or get her solicitor to)

I agree you are right about not making it a drama.. but its not unreasonable to take a doc away to read before signing.

He hasn’t given me anything to sign, just said we needed to talk about it. We have been pretty amicable, I’m not making a drama out of anything.

I think you are managing it all very well OP.

@haveimadeamistake

You're doing very well. Remember 'slow and steady wins the race'.

Let him say what he wants to say. Your response should be "I'll have to think about that and get back to you". Ask for a copy of whatever the paper is, then take it to a solicitor.

And remember, if he refuses to give you your key back unless you sign whatever it is he wants you to sign (and I think that's what he's going to try) do NOT do it! You are entitled to have a key, but it's not worth signing something without legal advice just to have one. There are other ways of getting a key if he refuses to give you one.

As far as the sofas go, if he suddenly decides he has to have them, then he needs to give you the full balance due on them BEFOREHAND so you can pay them off. Don't give him anything that you still owe money on, sofas or house!

Thanks all, really appreciate the advice! I got my key back today, I didn’t see him and haven’t heard anything else from him so I’m going to try and relax (after I build a tonne of flat pack furniture 🤣) and enjoy Christmas and see what happens with the house in the new year.

did you move in last night ?
and dd ?
or is she at Dad's for the weekend.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon I moved in on Friday, it’s starting to feel really cosy and I’ve got DD’s room all ready for her coming back from her dad’s today. :) x

You have done so well ! and her room is ready and the Christmas tree is up !
She will be so happy and excited.

Onwards and upwards for both of you.

It's sad this is how it all turned out, you are a good mother and put your daughter first.

edited to add: and it's not even one whole month since your 1st thread !

Fortunately Veronica Ivy has now been sacked from their university. I'll hand it to them, however: they know how to work a system and were certainly aware of the prevailing winds of present-day higher education.

The sofa agreement is in your name, you are responsible for repayments - so you keep them.

And immediately send him the money he has paid for them so far. He can buy himself something with it.

Him keeping sofas you are paying for is not a clean break.

Him going mad is possibly control attempts kicking in.

I’m intrigued by this but also wondering if it belongs to another thread? (Link please if so!!)

It's a reference to a PhD in bullshit. (Veronica Ivy is Rachel McKinnon)
Digression:-
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/3761537-Trans-Athlete-Dr-Rachel-McKinnon-publishes-an-OP-ED-in-NYT?reply=92109596

It's a response to the comment upthread about a degree in bullshit. I'm sure this was made tongue in cheek, but intriguingly this was actually a real topic given all due seriousness in a Canadian university via their above-named PhD candidate who became an unashamed expert in bullshit. Also interestingly, that staff member has now been fired from their post.

If my post sounds as if I'm being facetious, for once I'm being completely serious.

The state of 2020s higher ed, eh? 😂

That post was made “at” me and I think it was a minor PA rather than facetiousness. But at least now I know what the PP was referring to 😀

@haveimadeamistake

It's coming up to 6 months now - how are you ?

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon so sweet of you to check in, thank you! I can’t believe it’s coming up to 6 months already. We are so happy and settled in our new home, I feel like I really got so lucky with this place coming on the rental market at just the right time. Unfortunately I’m still dealing with the ex and the house as it’s now looking like he wants to keep it, but we’re negotiating a small buyout figure so hopefully I can put this towards a little deposit for somewhere for DD and I in the future. On the whole though, everything is very positive and we are both so settled again. Her 4th birthday is in 2 weeks! :)

Aw Thank you for the update.

As I said before you are a good Mummy, and you sound so happy.
The property was obiv meant to be.
It's sad that the relationship just wasn't meant to be.
and it's a shame the other house situation is dragging on.

but onwards and upwards and you sound as if you are coping with it all.

I guess she is excited for her birthday !

@haveimadeamistake Good to read your update. I'm so glad things are now more settled. A pity about having to still deal with your ex about the house, but hopefully that will be sorted soon. Hope your daughter has a lovely birthday.

@haveimadeamistake

I'm so glad things are turning up roses for you! It'll soon (hopefully) be settled then you can simply erase this whole thing from your memory.