Moved in with my partner and I did make a huge mistake - thread 2…

[haveimadeamistake]

Hope it’s okay to carry on posting as the thread has been a massive source of support for me and although I’ve asked him to leave, I could still really do with some support as I navigate the actual logistics of moving out and how to explain this to my DD.

link to previous thread:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5216942-moved-in-with-partner-and-i-might-have-made-a-huge-mistake?page=1

But he's not normally such a kind and loving person is he, because anyone who is nasty to a wee three year old isn't kind and loving at all.

He had many chances to adjust his behavior but it’s obvious he feels resentful towards your DD so it’s not something easily fixed. It seems he could not cope with day to day reality of living together .., it might have sounded good on paper. He may indeed regret losing you both but there is no gong back as you can’t trust him in the future.

Op, auntie is a Flying monkey, he will use her to get to you, funny how she's had to unblock you to msg again , ☺️

Even if he wasn't an absolute asshole to your dd, a grown man having his aunt messaging me would turn me off for life. I'd forward the aunts messages to him and see what he says

That was really tough. He was upset, said he’s disgusted with himself, has contacted someone for counselling, thinks he’s bottled everything up and can we fix it, what can he do. I stood my ground and told him my feelings for him just aren’t there anymore after what’s happened, and what sort of example would it set for DD if I stayed and risked his behaviour getting worse? He seemed to understand, he’s going to sell the house but pay for the mortgage til it sells. I do think he was genuine but it just doesn’t change what’s happened.

It's a perfect example of the saying 'Too little, too late'. Your feelings are gone - for good reason - and he needs to accept that, and that it his actions that has caused that.

Like I said in my previous post, the reality of living with a child didn't match up with the fantasy he had in his head. Did he have any relationships with children previously, i.e. nephews/nieces/cousins?

@FreeRider yes, exactly. Absolutely no kids in their family and he’s an only child. I can totally accept that it would have been a massive change for him, and even a struggle at times, but he’s in control of his own actions and it just hasn’t been good enough.

What a strange man.
Thought he could behave like a twat to a child and it would go unnoticed.

The aunt intervening is seriously weird, but it sounds as if he told her the truth, that he wasn't kind to your child.

"He chose the behavior, he will now live with the consequences".

HIS awful behaviour towards a 3 year old child has had real consequences.

Don't be offering any money etc. HE fxxked up your first time buyers status, you have every right to be pissed off at being so misled by him.

Let him bear the consequences of his bad behaviour.
You owe him nothing.

You might have a moral point, @Pompeyssy, but legally, OP is on the hook for the joint mortgage until the property sells. The XP has done nothing that would change that (even if the evidence warranted a restraining order, which it is a long way from doing)

They both made a mistake in buying together before renting together or one moving into the other’s place, especially given there was a child involved.

Yes, he isn’t a good person to live with a child, but he’s trying to do the right thing now.

ETA: and he didn’t fuck up her first time buyer status, OP took an adult decision to buy with him.

@SheilaFentiman he’s offered to pay the full mortgage til it sells. I don’t think the bank care who pays it as long as it’s paid.

Yeah I don't think the partner did anything particularly bad either.

Hi OP

No, the bank won’t. My response was to the PP who seemed to think that your XP was so far in the wrong as to transcend legal documents etc. Because if he did choose not to pay, as you know, it would impact your credit rating as well as his.

Don’t get me wrong, I think this is the best outcome all round and I am glad you will have enough £ to cover a new rental.

It’s a really sad situation but it’s also true that he’s made this mess. I’m glad he is being decent about it all.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5223987-moved-in-with-my-partner-and-i-did-make-a-huge-mistake-thread-2?page=3&reply=140335598

Well done, OP.

Auntie Flying Monkey can butt out.

All the best for a happy future - and a happy child.

The OP made this mess just as much as he did

The bank don't care from whom the money comes from, as long as the mortgage is paid.

He behaved kindly towards her child and on that basis they bought together and she used her first time buyer opportunity.

IMO he absolutely fxxked up her use of her one time benefit of being a first time buyer status, by impersonating a kind man who like children and within a month showed himself to be nothing of the sort.

He's a twat and she is well rid of him.

I don’t think he impersonated anything.

The OP states he doesn’t have nephews and nieces. They were both naive not to consider that he should see if he could handle living with a child (very different to hanging out with one now and again for a few hours) before committing to a mortgage

And again, OP made the choice to be a first time buyer with him and hasn’t herself said this is an issue for her: for some reason it has made you cross, though.

It has also been only a month since they moved in is that long enough to adjust and know how he will be?
OP said he was good with her child before

Which could have been avoided by them renting together first as a trial. It's a bit naive to think a man who has zero experience with children would know what living with one full-time would be like. No one really knows what it's like to live with a small child until they do. Even first-time parents have to go through an adjustment period.

They were both stupid here. But the OP more so because she is the one responsible for a child.

Thanks. I do already know that I’ve been stupid and made a massive mistake, I’ve admitted that and rectified it as soon as I realised. I don’t think that excuses his behaviour either though, he has had multiple opportunities to communicate with me about how he was feeling and take steps to improve the situation - he didn’t until he knew I was planning on leaving.

Totally agree, it was ridiculous to move in thinking it was going to be a bed of roses. I feel sorry for the boyfriend I think he’s been used and all the congratulations to the OP are ridiculous, she has totally messed up his future as well as her own by behaving so totally irresponsibly.

Oh shut up, seems respect is optional for you.

In what way has he been “used” - that implies OP has benefited in some way from all this, which she hasn’t.

It's an internet guarantee - start a thread saying IN THE TITLE and OP "I made a mistake". Cue dozens of posters replying "You made a mistake! Why aren't you admitting you made a mistake?!"

As you both know, you were both a bit naïve. I'm really hoping the pair of you will be able to navigate your exit compassionately - and without his aunt's interference 😬 Happy moving day!