Moved in with my partner and I did make a huge mistake - thread 2…

[haveimadeamistake]

Hope it’s okay to carry on posting as the thread has been a massive source of support for me and although I’ve asked him to leave, I could still really do with some support as I navigate the actual logistics of moving out and how to explain this to my DD.

link to previous thread:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5216942-moved-in-with-partner-and-i-might-have-made-a-huge-mistake?page=1

I’m actually struggling with how decent he’s being about everything. I really don’t think he’s a bad person, I think he’s just massively bottled everything up and dealt with things in the worst way by shutting down. I wish he’d spoken up sooner.

We bought new sofas in the house and they’re financed, I offered to take one to my new place and carry on paying for them but he’s insisted he’ll keep them and pay them off. He said I have enough to deal with because of this, and he’s budgeted for taking care of everything. It’s almost making it worse as I kind of expected him to be a dick but he’s not.

He knows he has handled it badly perhaps this is a way of making amends?
He might also hope you won't leave him completely just because you no longer live together.

Some people can't handle living with other peoples children however much they love their partner. That's not an excuse for his behaviour incidentally, he should have tried harder or spoken up

@haveimadeamistake things are never clear cut like hero / villain. He doesn’t have to be bad in other ways however how he treated your DD was enough and what he’s doing re the sofas is his remorse in a small way. You can’t compare the two though so please don’t upset yourself.

With respect it sounds like he’s relieved.

@Stretchanoctave I don’t think that’s the case. He was here in tears yesterday, I think he’s genuinely remorseful and wanted another chance.

Maybe he is immature, maybe you could date again while living separately? See if you can return to. That previous place?

It may be that although he's remorseful and perhaps wanted another chance, he also realizes deep down that he really isn't 'up to the job' so in a way it's a 'relief' to him that you have made the decision to split. They're not mutually exclusive. We can want something desperately and still know that it's not the right thing.

Just be glad he's being decent and accept his 'gestures' at face value, regardless of why he's making them. Don't worry about the whys and wherefores. These situations can get ugly and it's a good thing that yours isn't.

He clearly hopes that you will relent. No decent behavior after-the-fact could ever make up for verbally and emotionally abusing my little girl. He found it so easy to lash out at her and treat her with disdain.

I think he probably feels a mixture of guilt and relief, but the main thing is you’re getting out of this situation - so well done OP.

I was on the previous thread under another username but I’ve just seen all your updates now and so glad to hear you’ve been able to make it out before Christmas!

He may not be completely horrible, most people aren’t but he’s definitely not cut out to be a stepparent or anything like that. Tbf IMO most people aren’t and they don’t do it that well, which is why I’m glad my single parent mum didn’t ever move a man in.

Your ex has just been especially awful about it and revealed his inability to treat your daughter kindly in a very obvious manner.

I do agree he has been masking and it’s scary that he was able to switch back so easily to being all jovial and friendly with your daughter once he realised you were rethinking things.

It makes you wonder how genuine is he in general and do you really know him at all?

He started showing his true self with your daughter but it could very easily have been you next. And based on his cruelty to your daughter and the silent treatment to both of you and his weird lie about the driving, he was well on his way to revealing himself as a a full blown manipulative and moody abuser.

Even the minimisation of the driving license lie is quite gaslighty. He is pretending as if it’s not a massive deal when he knows it is. Not that he doesn’t drive, but that he would lie about it. He’s messing with your head.

So yeah don’t feel bad at all when he is being nice or helpful about your love. It’s good he is being like that but at the same time it’s the very least he could do really.

Yes, @CalmDuck, his contemptuous slamming when little DD bumped her knee and cried was just plain meanness. His so-called struggle with adjusting does not justify mistreating this child. That he was happy to abuse her and continued despite @haveimadeamistake‘s pulling him up on it 3 times is sickening.

And just to add - the whole crying and claiming to be remorseful is VERY typical of abusive men after they have been violent or otherwise abusive to their partner.

I don’t know if thee men know they’re lying or if they’re actually genuinely remorseful but just don’t have it in them to be decent but 98% of the time they become repeat offenders of whatever bad behaviour they’re supposedly remorseful for.

He may genuinely want to be kind and patient and affectionate to your daughter , but he doesn’t have it in him unfortunately and I believe deep down he knows that. He is creating a narrative to his family and friends to make him look less bad and maybe even lying to himself by putting up a fight for you , but I actually believe in his heart of hearts he wants out too.

it’s scary that he was able to switch back so easily to being all jovial and friendly with your daughter once he realised you were rethinking things.
It makes you wonder how genuine is he in general and do you really know him at all?

And just to add - the whole crying and claiming to be remorseful is VERY typical of abusive men after they have been violent or otherwise abusive to their partner.

Good points well made. I take back my earlier suggestion of maybe dating 😕

(See? Even when you think you know, you can still be fooled 😞)

Kindly OP, those tears are for himself.
He didn't expect you to object so strongly to his being unkind to your child.
He expected you to accept it.

Think about that.
He expected you to accept him being unkind to your child.

Likeca lot of men that over step and over play their hand he is back tracking.

Hence the tears...for himself.
I wouldn't trust him for a minute.
He's a liar and a manipulater.
I think the licence lie is huge, don't forget that.
Lying is no deal to him.

You’ve made the right decision and will move forward from all of this.

He may be remorseful and very sad about this, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s behaved in a way that made it wrong for you and your daughter to stay. He shouldn’t have ever taken his frustration and difficulty in adjusting out on a three year old and then followed up by giving you silent treatment. This just isn’t acceptable behaviour hence you’re where you are now with plans to separate and move into your rental.

A decent adult would have handled all of this differently accepting a period of adjustment, but not one involving unkindness and being cruel to a young child. But you know all of this yourself.

Thankfully he’s being reasonable about the financial implications going forward. But no doubt he’s also relieved that you’re making the decisions going forward even if he has sadness that your own relationship is now irreparable. He’s just not cut out for sharing his space and relationship with you plus your child full time and it’s shown right from the off.

Of course your feelings for him have changed and you’ve been brave and proactive in solving the issue. Yes it’s unfortunate and unpleasant at the moment but your rental is there, financially it will be ok and you can and will move forward. You’ve done remarkably well at recognising this isn’t going to change and work and have taken the bull by the horns to sort it. All credit to you.

Maybe he's in some sort of denial about his own character?
Even so by my reading this man has demonstrated that he is a cruel selfish bully. Your little girl should be protected from such people.

@SheilaFentiman I agree.
She's made her decision and is moving forward with it. So that's it and it's based on the fact that she doesn't like his behaviour on many different levels, and that she doesn't trust him to change it without reverting back to form. That's more than enough for anyone to leave. And she's made it clear several times the overwhelming reason is her DD's well being.

She's not leaving for a more cushy situation either... she's back to renting a smaller property, lost her first time buyer privileges, moving to a new place is expensive and from what she thought was a good relationship to being on her own again etc.. and is probably gutted that its worked out this way.

I also think his lie about having a full driving licence which may seem a small thing, over quite a trivial issues in comparison, is quite a big deal and speaks to Character and trust issues. Initially its one lie, but he maintained it for a whole year, not just to OP but to her family too. That is quite a prolonged and determined lie over something so stupid, ie who gives a stuff if he still needs to pass a driving test, nobody would raise a fuss about that, they would just accept it.
It would make me think that if he was prepared to carry on a prolonged and determined lie (which is far more difficult than just admitting it) about something so dumb - what else is he covering up, or could cover up in the future? And why even bother? It reveals an ingrained lack of honesty and he's not been willing or able to explain the reason why he acted like that either.

I'm glad for your sake OP that he is behaving reasonably with the arrangements and not being horrid about it. I hope that is easing the situation for you both.

That’s a good point about the crocodile tears. Though both my abusive relationships ended with the men denying physical violence. ‘It was just a tap..’ ‘I was defending myself from you’ (he slapped me after I raised my hand to signal quiet, and I am 5’2 and size 8, he is 6foot and 95 kg). I think I’d have found sudden remorse and begging for a second chance scarier though.

Maybe if the tears were followed by a very specific and detailed apology showing he knew exactly what he did wrong and a commitment to spend many months in intensive behavioral therapy then contact you only when he has recovered and reformed? Maybe that would be worth feeling sorry for him for. It sounds like a quick route to get you back and return to a life of ruling over someone and having all the privileges of a relationship without taking the responsibilities.

People show you who they are. There’s no-one else underneath.

I wonder…does he have any close friends? Did other people warn the OP about him?

See what he does if making nice and 😢 doesn’t work. Does he change tack and threaten and emotionally blackmail? Withdraw any kind offers he made before? If you plan to stay in contact, I would observe him over a number of months before deciding anything other than that he mistreated your child because he isn’t nice.

See what he does if making nice and 😢 doesn’t work. Does he change tack and threaten and emotionally blackmail? Withdraw any kind offers he made before? If you plan to stay in contact, I would observe him over a number of months before deciding anything other than that he mistreated your child because he isn’t nice.

This is really good advice. He'll show you who he really is if you give him enough opportunity.

I feel so much lighter today! The knots in my stomach have loosened, I don’t feel on edge or worried - it’s such a nice feeling! I’ve been packing a little bit as I get the keys to our new place on Monday, but not officially moving in til the following weekend. Haven’t heard much from ex, other than sorting out furniture etc but he’s still being perfectly pleasant and reasonable which is making it much easier. I’m just looking forward to starting our new chapter and a fresh start in 2025 for DD and I.

Thanks again for all of the support, I’m not sure I could have been as decisive as I have been if it wasn’t for all of the messages helping me to see the situation for what it was.

Glad that you are nearly there, OP

Delighted for you OP.
Move forward and you will get to where you are meant to be.

Oh my goodness ! you can start counting down on your fingers.

Do you think you may be able to get a little Christmas tree for the new place, as that could make the home even more special for your little one ?