Moved in with my partner and I did make a huge mistake - thread 2…

[haveimadeamistake]

Hope it’s okay to carry on posting as the thread has been a massive source of support for me and although I’ve asked him to leave, I could still really do with some support as I navigate the actual logistics of moving out and how to explain this to my DD.

link to previous thread:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5216942-moved-in-with-partner-and-i-might-have-made-a-huge-mistake?page=1

@haveimadeamistake

Not sure if anyone's mentioned it yet, but his aunt (& family) have a vested interest in you taking him back. They're probably worried that he'll land up on one of their doorsteps or that he'll expect them to do the things for him that you've been doing!

Just be strong and look out for yourself and DD.

OP, unfortunately there are always plenty of posters that love to give an OP looking for support a right kicking.

Pay no heed.
You are annoyed enough at yourself.
This has been a huge disappointment and a very hard lesson.
Not one I suspect you will ever forget.
This is his fault.
He may not have been used to children but he had no reason to be unkind, particularly as you spelt it out to him.

He may not be a bad man, but he's not a good, kind man.
He's a selfish arse that is going to learn that his actions have consequences.

His tears are 100% for himself.
He knows he fxxked up and you mean business now.
He thought you would just accept him being a selfish arse and were stuck.
He was wrong.
He under estimated you.
Be kind to yourself OP, your daughter doesn't need her mum beating herself up.

This is pure conjecture. The man owns a place already and has just bought another with OP and is planning to meet the mortgage payments on it by himself now. There’s no reason he should end up on anyone’s doorstep other than very temporarily when he has gone to relatives to give OP space.

And what are “the things that OP has been doing for him” - has he forgotten how to keep house after a mere month of living together?

The aunt should butt out, sure. But honestly, he was a bad person to live with a child and did not act well, but since, he seems to be being pretty decent, TBH.

I really admire your strength and courage.

You’re definitely doing the right thing in my opinion. When you see ugly behaviour towards your young innocent child, you have no choice but to take action.

He’s let himself down catastrophically, and Leopards don’t change their spots, it is who they are. You can guarantee it wouldn’t be the end of it.

She messed up his future? How? Pretty sure OP didn't coerce him into moving in together, into not renting first, into buying a house together. Pretty sure they were joint decisions.
And how on earth did she mess up his future when he decided to be a jerk to a child?

I think he must have told his aunt. He stayed at a hotel last night. He’s admitted he doesn’t have the coping mechanisms in place to deal with adjusting to living with us both, so that’s something. If it was just one issue in isolation, I’d have been more open to giving it a chance but it’s the treatment of DD, the lack of communication, the missed opportunities to make things right, and the lying previously. There’s no trust there now.

@OneTaupePoster nope, he glosses over that whenever I mention it. He doesn’t seem to think it’s an issue, but I can’t get over how he can lie about something for a year. Not just to me, but to my family too.

Its clear he was masking for the whole relationship which is so awful.

I think the driving thing was a huge manipulative lie.

You are well rid. Be glad it imploded so quickly, even though it is very disappointing and upsetting.

I think his aunt knows well of his "quirks" and would have loved him settled, hence her texts to OP.

This

@ThatUniqueFox that’s literally what I’ve done…

@ThatUniqueFox yes, I’d have been more open to the thought that maybe he really is just struggling with the adjustment - if he’d been open and honest and communicative about it, and changed his ways at the first conversation about how he was treating DD, I’d have been more open to resolving things. But what he’s done is completely close off, continue the same behaviour and that’s what I mean about it not being one issue in isolation (ie, ONE single episode of ignoring her because he needed space).

Just to add my support for OP and anyone else on here whose partner has ‘flipped’ after moving in together or making a commitment. This happened to me twice. Once after getting engaged to and pregnant with my ex husband. He’d been calm and chill for years but for reasons I still don’t understand the commitment turned him. Took me 4 years to see it. And it happened again recently with a long term bf. We began discussing living together and suddenly his control behaviour escalated. He was often defensive during discussions about problems we needed to solve, which I believed was sth he understood and was working on. But then he called me a bad name for the first time. Days before that he was giving me a hug in bed then said something that upset me and I said I was upset and the hug turned into sth that felt like restraint. I got massively triggered, saw my past flashing into my present and future and fled.

Why some men flip when you get more committed to them is a mystery to me. I don’t know how to tell who is going to flip or why I end up with those who do. It’s put me off relationships tbh.

What makes you think he wasn't struggling, didn't you say behavior towards DD was improving?

Well done. It’s so refreshing to see someone taking decisive action and getting out of a bad situation before it gets worse. And you didn’t fall for the “I’ll change” act.

If it had been the driving or rather the lack of driving that may have been an issue / red flag that the Op may have been prepared to overlook

BUT it was the treatment of her daughter that was an issue the Op could not overlook.

The Op has taken her responsibility as a mother seriously and I expect will be saddened / disappointed that she and her daughter won't be living in the lovely new house that she thought they would be living in, but her daughter came first.

The Op has acted very quickly considering how recent her first thread actually was - she has a rental lined up and hopefully will be in it before Christmas.

@NeedyKhakiSeal I do think he was struggling! It improved after the 4th conversation when I said I’d leave if it carried on. By that point, it had completely put me off him and I couldn’t take the risk of his behaviour slipping back to how it was, it’s not fair to DD. He’d be fine with her for a few days, then suddenly be really off with her again and he wasn’t communicating what was wrong.

@haveimadeamistake I just think he was making the right moves forward. Was there a pattern of this behavior before?

What’s the point of this question? OP has made her decision, she’s entitled to end a relationship for any reason or none, and she has some very good reasons to end this one (the driving license lies as well as the impatience and silent treatment with DD, to name some)

@NeedyKhakiSeal when we first moved in, I spent the week in tears feeling like he didn’t want DD in the house as he was ignoring her, being short with her and lost his temper with her by shouting at her. I told him how upset this had made me, he gave me the silent treatment for more than a day and made me feel like it was my fault that he lost his temper with her. He then went hot and cold with her, one day giving her lots of attention and the next day ignoring her. I had a second conversation with him where he said he was struggling with the adjustment and I can’t expect him to get used to it overnight. The hot/cold behaviour continued. By the 4th week, I had found out he had lied about being able to drive and when my DD came home from her dad’s after a whole weekend away, he completely ignored her. This prompted the 4th conversation where I said if things didn’t change, I would leave. It’s only at this point he seemed to actually take on board what I was saying, but by this point we weren’t getting along as a couple and I was feeling like his behaviour had eroded my feelings towards him. Any effort he made with DD felt forced and I struggled to know if I could trust or believe his actions after finding out he’d lied about driving, and by how closed off he was being in communicating with me about how he was feeling.

So yes, his behaviour had improved by the time I had decided to leave but it doesn’t erase or rewind his actions previously. I can’t get it out of my head which is why I’ve made the decision to leave, knowing that DD and I will 100% be fine, rather than risking his behaviour slipping back to how it was.