Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Told my daughter I'm going to get us out.. was I wrong to tell her?

230 replies

Teeteringonthebrink45 · 01/12/2024 20:16

Background - Daughter is 8, son is 5. "Partner" is massively emotionally abusive and I hate him... i absolutely know I need to leave for children's and my sake but it's financially and psychologically difficult to make the leap, so I keep wavering and not actually making it happen.
As with every weekend, he had a massive blowup - this time over dinner on Sunday, and he was banging his hand on the table and screaming at the children to eat, yelling at me that they're not hungry because I let them eat sweets at the cinema. Daughter is fucking terrified of him and as soon as he yells like this she raises her arms above her head expecting him to go for her. I totally lost it with him tonight - we were screaming at each other and it was awful awful awful... but after he left the room and my daughter was with me I whispered to her "I'm going to find a way to get us away from him..."
But I told her it's a secret and asked her to trust me. I'm really afraid though that I shouldn't have put this on her and it's completely unfair to burden an 8 year old with this... but I have tried to tell her in very subtle ways but tonight I really felt like she needed to hear it for real. Was this a horrible mistake though to ask her to keep this to herself, and is it going to horribly backfire and she'll say something to him? If and when we do leave I'm intending to just go and he will find out once we have left, no way can I envisage a conversation in advance. This is so scary and awful for all of us and I can't believe this is my (and their) reality :(

OP posts:
Zippidydoodah · 01/12/2024 20:17

How quickly can you get away? Do you have any family nearby?

BCBird · 01/12/2024 20:20

Get away .

Pickle991 · 01/12/2024 20:21

Instead of telling her you just need to do it. Those poor children.

Wolfiefan · 01/12/2024 20:21

You need to find a way to keep that promise. ASAP. Can you find RL support? Who owns the house?

MerryChristmasYaFilthyAnimals · 01/12/2024 20:21

Can you ring the police? Is he the children's father?

leia24 · 01/12/2024 20:22

You know what, maybe she needed to hear it and domestic abuse really does create a him v us sort of environment.
What can you do to get out?

Rysimo · 01/12/2024 20:22

Please leave as soon as possible. I had a husband like this and it escalated to hitting the children and myself. Phone Womens Aid as soon as you are able.

Proseccoh · 01/12/2024 20:23

I know you're mostly worried about your daughter and I hear what you're saying, you sound like a lovely thoughtful parent, but you need to get yourselves away from him. She's terrified and you're terrified, and there are people out there who are trained to help you with this. You will need the help. Please phone whatever domestic abuse support you have in your area as soon as you can.

kitteninabasket · 01/12/2024 20:23

What is stopping you from leaving right now?

You say you shouldn’t have put this on her but frankly that’s the least of your worries when this is what she’s being exposed to.

Jifmicroliquid · 01/12/2024 20:23

Please get your child away from this man now. Do you have a friend who you can stay with? Any family? Right now, don’t think long term, just think safety for the short term.

napody · 01/12/2024 20:23

Pickle991 · 01/12/2024 20:21

Instead of telling her you just need to do it. Those poor children.

This.
'If and when we leave'
No. You've told her you're leaving. Every day you stay is a day you've lied to her.

BodyKeepingScore · 01/12/2024 20:24

You need to contact Women's Aid. Or any family member who would be willing to help you. Sometimes there isnt time to "iron out the details"

Your daughter is so terrified of him that she tried to physically barricade him from hurting her.

You made her a promise, you need to keep it. And soon. Because promising her that and then doing nothing to protect her will destroy her trust in you completely.

This sounds utterly awful for all of you OP and I'm so sorry that you're facing this. You need to find your courage and get out. No question of anything else.

WickedlyCharmed · 01/12/2024 20:25

Why the fuck are you still talking about if and when we do leave?

The should be no if about it.

Your poor daughter, I hope she tells someone at school or something, someone who will step in and help her. She must be absolutely fucking terrified.

blackcatsarethebestcats · 01/12/2024 20:25

You need to stop this being their reality. It’s time to leave.

trythisforsize · 01/12/2024 20:25

It's fine to have told your daughter you are going to do something that keeps you all safe.
It has probably given her hope and she'll feel you are protective.

He sounds extremely volatile and dangerous.

Good luck Flowers

MumonabikeE5 · 01/12/2024 20:25

I think if your daughter is raising her arms protectively you actually need to
Call women’s aid and seek refuge.
it’s no longer a situation where you can wait and prepare for a good time to leave .

i am so sorry that you are in this position.

you can be strong. You can do hard things. You love your kids. You can protect them.

by leaving tomorrow morning.

Proseccoh · 01/12/2024 20:29

it's really unfair that some posters aren't sympathetic to you, but it's really difficult for people to understand what these relationships do to us. You're not thinking straight. You're blaming yourself for putting too much on your daughter, and you can't see that he's trained you for this. The posters are, of course, all correct; you need to prioritise getting yourselves away from him very quickly, or getting him out of your home if you can. Please do get the help. Leaving is dangerous, but you can do this. And if it escalates tonight please call the police, they will help you as long as you understand they want you all safe.

Sarahconnor1 · 01/12/2024 20:30

Your 8 year old raises her arms as a protective measure because she is scared he is going to hit her. This suggests he has already done so and she is anticipating being hit.

You need to leave ASAP, if not for you then for your children.

Lavender14 · 01/12/2024 20:31

I understand why you did it op, you wanted to reassure her that you understand her feelings and that you're trying to help and give her hope.

However you need to go now. Sometimes children will try to align themselves with an abuser when they're afraid to minimise the abuse or keep themselves safe by currying favour. It's completely natural and normal and they probably won't understand it. But it could happen. So I think you need to contact womens aid urgently and try to get the three of you out. Many, many women go with the clothes on their backs and womens aid are ready for that and will be able to help get your stuff and get you financially independent. The key is getting out the door. Can you get to a family member and call them from there? You can't stay in the house any longer it just isn't safe.

I'm so sorry he put you in this position, it's entirely his fault and you've done an amazing job trying to parent in the midst of his abuse. The finances and the mental/ emotional impact will be difficult, but honestly - it won't be harder than living in this because you'll actually have space and support to deal with those things which you're already worrying about anyway. Sometimes you just need to take the leap.

TipsyJoker · 01/12/2024 20:32

If it’s your house and he’s moved in, call the police and have them remove him immediately.

If it’s not your house contact women’s aid and get help to make an exit plan. You need to act right away because if your daughter does let slip you will all be in very real danger because when an abusive man learns you’re leaving, the abuse often escalates. I’m not trying to scare you but this is the reality.

Does he work? If he’s working tomorrow I would advise you to wait till he’s out then get together all important documents like passports, birth certificates, car documents, bank stuff, etc together and pack a couple of bags of clothes and a couple of the kids favourite toys and books. Then go to a trusted, safe family member or friend. If you don’t have anyone, go directly to women’s aid. Go online and find your local women’s aid drop in centre and tell them you’ve had to flee and you need immediate help. They will make sure you’re housed somewhere safe temporarily until you get a permanent residence. They will also help you apply for any financial help you may be entitled to and support you through this.

This isn’t your fault. You and the kids do not deserve this. You have to leave asap. Please don’t end up another statistic.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/womens-aid-directory/

Edingril · 01/12/2024 20:32

If you don't leave them someone could call social services if you don't want to protect yourself atleast think of your children ans don't go on to to this to them with someone else, break the pattern for their sakes

Bittenonce · 01/12/2024 20:35

Most important thing is that you just go. There will never be a perfect time, but sooner is better than later if you know it's got to happen. Go now, sort out later.

HeadNorth · 01/12/2024 20:36

You daughter can't trust you to keep her safe now. She can't trust you to get her away. it doesn't matter what you said to her, that is tiny compared to what you are doing to her every day you stay. Actions speak louder than words. Right now, she is scared of her father and can't trust her mother. Take responsibility and protect your child. No one else can.

MrsWhites · 01/12/2024 20:36

I’m so sorry that you are going through this but she needs to actually see you leaving him and protecting her and not just hear it.

I hope you don’t take this the wrong way but she will remember your actions as well as his when she is older, you have the opportunity to show her strength and protection now - take that opportunity and get away from him.

If your daughter reports this behaviour in school this opportunity might be taken away from you.

Starlight7080 · 01/12/2024 20:39

You shouldn't be worried about putting it on her . She is already going to be traumatised.
It's not normal for a child to raise their arms in anticipation of being hurt.
She will probably already need some sort of therapy.
Leave ASAP . That's the best thing you can do for them .
Lots of great advice on here so far