Told my daughter I'm going to get us out.. was I wrong to tell her?

[Teeteringonthebrink45]

Background - Daughter is 8, son is 5. "Partner" is massively emotionally abusive and I hate him... i absolutely know I need to leave for children's and my sake but it's financially and psychologically difficult to make the leap, so I keep wavering and not actually making it happen.
As with every weekend, he had a massive blowup - this time over dinner on Sunday, and he was banging his hand on the table and screaming at the children to eat, yelling at me that they're not hungry because I let them eat sweets at the cinema. Daughter is fucking terrified of him and as soon as he yells like this she raises her arms above her head expecting him to go for her. I totally lost it with him tonight - we were screaming at each other and it was awful awful awful... but after he left the room and my daughter was with me I whispered to her "I'm going to find a way to get us away from him..."
But I told her it's a secret and asked her to trust me. I'm really afraid though that I shouldn't have put this on her and it's completely unfair to burden an 8 year old with this... but I have tried to tell her in very subtle ways but tonight I really felt like she needed to hear it for real. Was this a horrible mistake though to ask her to keep this to herself, and is it going to horribly backfire and she'll say something to him? If and when we do leave I'm intending to just go and he will find out once we have left, no way can I envisage a conversation in advance. This is so scary and awful for all of us and I can't believe this is my (and their) reality :(

Telling g her to make yourself feel better and less guilty for putting her through it. You really need to act and let her see that she deserves better, and so do you. And that you know this. She will learn from what you do, not what you say.

I hope u can act fast.

he was banging his hand on the table and screaming at the children to eat, yelling at me that they're not hungry because I let them eat sweets at the cinema. Daughter is fucking terrified of him and as soon as he yells like this she raises her arms above her head expecting him to go for her

I'm absolutely astonished that someone can read this in the OP and think the OP is weaponising her children and putting thoughts of being hit in their heads. Like how can any normal human being think that. There are people who haven't hit yet who are terrifying to be around - because as a human you know full well that they are teetering on the edge of violence. I had this with a family member (not dh) and I was explaining it to a therapist - the absolute fear even though she hadn't hit me - and the therapist said she often felt that visceral fear when in the presence of very angry men in a family therapy session - that feeling that anything could happen. For god's sake that is WHY he is banging and screaming - to intimidate and put them in fear of battery (which was the legal definition of assault back in the day - may still well be)

Just act like normal and one day instead of taking the kids to school just go straight to womens aid. Or collect them early from school and take them just say they have a dental appointment. Do you work? Can you slowly take necessities over the next day or two. Just underwear and a couple of changes of clothes? Kids fave comfort toys etc. Get out as quickly as possible.

Is your partner the childrens father? Statistically speaking, children are most at risk around mothers partners (for all kinds of abuse). He is abusing your children. And you. You need to get out. I'm sorry xx

It's okay to have told her you're going to get her out, but now you seriously need to and as soon as humanly possible otherwise she's going to lose hope because you've lit that flame now. I know tonight might not be possible but I think in the next few days if you can make that happen. Xx

Sending massive hugs OP. Get them out. X

Tomorrow you call domestic violence support in your area or walk into a police station or ask school to speak to safeguarding lead who can point you in right direction. Tomorrow. Not "if".
Do not let your dc be scared another single day

Call the police on him now. What he is doing is illegal and he should be arrested. You need to keep your children safe by leaving. They will hate you when they are adults if you don't, and you will lose them.

Get away now. Your little girl may let something slip and later feel terrible about it. Now, tonight.

Please contact women’s aid . The finances can be sorted .

i stayed with my abusive exh . Even when he strangled me with D’s in my arms.. I didn’t leave then despite having the police and Ss .

i stayed because we had debts - the day I left my ex was been aggressive - not directly to myself or ds(10 months old ) but breaking and throwing things . He had a startled look on his face . Ex said he wasn’t as he wasn’t. Crying . That was the point I decided to leave..

Do make a plan and get out .. it has to be for your Dc

Hi OP,
I think some of these responses have been really harsh & I thought I'd give you my perspective from a child who grew up in a home with DV. As long as you do intend to leave, what you have told your daughter is fine. We had to flee in the middle of the night & I always felt fine about it because I knew why we were leaving. We did unfortunately go back a few times but eventually broke away. You need to reach out for help from womens aid asap - statistically speaking you and your children are most at risk whenever the abuser suspects you might leave & through no fault of her own your DD could potentially let it slip, so act now. I have nothing but fond memories of going to a refuge and feeling safe and content for the first time in my life. You all deserve better.

OP you have to leave or your children will grow up resenting you for keeping them in that environment where they did not feel safe and not going to lie you will likely loose that relationship with them. The fact you have now told her if you don't she will hold that against you even more. I guess she needs some hope. I suggest if you can go stay with a mum or relative you will get financial help, can get homeless points etc. If its a shared home you should ring the police to have him removed and say he is emotionally abusive and neither you nor your kids feel safe. He won't be allowed to return and if social services attend I would welcome that as u r doing the right thing and they will also tell you he cannot return them let it be his problem where to go not yours

It's only wrong if you don't follow through.

Poor kids. You are the only person who can save them.

You've got to do this.

Don't be an arsehole. She's terrified. She needs plans and support in place to get out. Women are most at risk when they leave.

OP can you contact Women's Aid?

This is a quote:

*Preparing to leave
However you’ve kept yourself safe until now, there may come a time when you feel the only option is to leave your partner.
It’s never too early or too late to leave an abusive partner. Your safety matters — if you do decide to leave, it is best to plan your exit carefully.
Careful planning is important because abusers can become more violent and controlling and their actions can continue to pose a danger after you have left too – so it’s a time to be especially cautious. Remember: ending the relationship will not necessarily end the abuse. Women’s Aid is here for you. You are not alone. *

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/i-want-to-leave-my-relationship-safely/

Just emphasising what @TipsyJoker said “because if your daughter does let slip you will all be in very real danger because when an abusive man learns you’re leaving, the abuse often escalates. I’m not trying to scare you but this is the reality.”

I can tell you from experience this is the reality.

Tomorrow call Women’s Aid.
You have to remove your children from this immediately. For your safety and theirs.

I’m not being an arsehole, she is. I don’t care how scared she is, because her 8 year old daughter is far more scared. It’s time she put her children’s feelings above her own and got out of there! If she has time to post rubbish on the internet about what should or shouldn’t I have said, she’s time to pack a bloody bag and actually look after her children!!!

Please leave. And if you are wavering and can’t do it, maybe someone you trust could have your children stay while you’re figuring it out? Grandparents? Siblings? Can women’s aid help make you plan quickly?

Please leave. He is traumatising your children and you. This will not get better. It can only get worse. Is there anyone you can go to? Get help (women's aid) and get out. Wishing you all the best. x

OP try not to feel attacked by some of the posters here. We are women concerned for the children. It's a strong reaction and people can be short with their responses. Unless you have been abused it's hard to comprehend how someone could let it get how it's got. I remember the day I decided to leave my abusive ex I'd posted on here and got a massive pile on, it's really hurtful and kicks you while you are down. But now I'm free of him and read these posts from abused women not sure if they should leave I get the same initial reaction and have to remember what it actually feels like to be abused and how it creeps up on you over time and they gaslight you and confuse you and make you doubt if it's really that bad.

Try to see this as a reaction to the situation your kids are in not an attack on you. It's extreme because the situation is harmful for the kids and it makes us angry they are suffering. It's evidence for you that you are right to leave, so when he all nice tomorrow acting like nothing happened and you wonder if you over reacted come back and read how people here reacted to know you are doing the right thing in leaving. Don't let him make you doubt yourself.

Now you have had such a response you won't be excused for staying. you will be to partially blame for the harm your kids suffer by staying. Your job is to protect them and you can and will do that now. You are not the one abusing them that is him. The anger here is because of what those kids are living through because of him

Sometimes it’s more dangerous to try to walk out when the abuser is there. I’d say it’s usually more dangerous.
Hopefully he’ll go to work tomorrow or OP can take the kids to school and then get things in place to leave.
My ex-h had already threatened to kill me— walking out while he was there might well have resulted in that happening as I was his meal ticket. Leaving while he was out and I knew I had at least a half day window got me safely away.

It is very hard but you are a mother and have to protect your DC even if you find it difficult to protect yourself. Tell people about the situation if you can eg your parents or siblings and ring women's Aid or your local domestic abuse charity. There is help available and I know that you will feel relieved when you accept it. Best of luck.

You don't have any choice. You need to make it happen by any means you can.

I know a lady with 4 kids who just up and left, after years of abuse, because she suddenly saw him move on to the kids (aggressive and verbal abusive, never physical but words can do more damage).
She went to a woman's refuge and the police escorted her back to collect items for her self and the kids.
I was so proud of her.
Speak to a womens charity, speak to family, report his behaviour to police. You can do this but sometimes you just need to act ! Keep you and your kids safe in the meantime x x

Well done to you for leaving!! It’s less about timing and more that OP is already reverting to “if and when” and “I don’t feel strong enough” etc. No one is saying it isn’t hard but her children are just more important than her feelings. They have no control or choice in this situation and it’s her job to look after them, regardless of how scared or lacking in strength she feels. I don’t want her to read these comments and think about getting round to leaving. I want to give her a kick up the arse and out that bloody door asap to keep herself and her children safe!

She has come here to seek help. That is what this forum is for.