Told my daughter I'm going to get us out.. was I wrong to tell her?

[Teeteringonthebrink45]

Background - Daughter is 8, son is 5. "Partner" is massively emotionally abusive and I hate him... i absolutely know I need to leave for children's and my sake but it's financially and psychologically difficult to make the leap, so I keep wavering and not actually making it happen.
As with every weekend, he had a massive blowup - this time over dinner on Sunday, and he was banging his hand on the table and screaming at the children to eat, yelling at me that they're not hungry because I let them eat sweets at the cinema. Daughter is fucking terrified of him and as soon as he yells like this she raises her arms above her head expecting him to go for her. I totally lost it with him tonight - we were screaming at each other and it was awful awful awful... but after he left the room and my daughter was with me I whispered to her "I'm going to find a way to get us away from him..."
But I told her it's a secret and asked her to trust me. I'm really afraid though that I shouldn't have put this on her and it's completely unfair to burden an 8 year old with this... but I have tried to tell her in very subtle ways but tonight I really felt like she needed to hear it for real. Was this a horrible mistake though to ask her to keep this to herself, and is it going to horribly backfire and she'll say something to him? If and when we do leave I'm intending to just go and he will find out once we have left, no way can I envisage a conversation in advance. This is so scary and awful for all of us and I can't believe this is my (and their) reality :(

@Atomickitten respectfully this just isn't true. I've spent years supporting children affected by domestic abuse and your posts while well intentioned are just incorrect. Many victims of domestic abuse will try at points to defend their children or stand up for themselves and to defend themselves. It doesn't mean they are in control of the situation or that they aren't afraid of the perpetrator.

I've known grown women who hid under tables in fear from their ex shouting at them when he'd never hit them. What op describes is a normal and a natural reaction for a child who is living in fear of violence even if violence hasn't actually occurred. Even slamming a table (and I'm sure there's been other incidents) is a massive act of aggression and yes I think any small child would be very intimidated by that.

Have you friends or family. Doesn't matter who they are. Or how busy burdened already. I'd have friend or family this second if they came to me. Whether I was living in a shoe box or a mansion myself,you'd be in.whether I jad 10 kids or zero or was running the UN. Call someone and get the hell out. The flick switch from this very stage is instant,no warning and fucking horrific in its consequence(not that this isn't enough).
And you have said it. So PLEASE don't be the parent that A shows her her mum won't protect them,leave.Or B breaks a promise after it's actually uttered.
School friend. Gp or nurse. Teacher? Local church or Wi! Just find someone who can help either lead ypu in the right way or offer support. And don't be slow. Do it with stealth, no dithering.
When putting away clothes put a set together.
Put two of their cuddly toys in a rucksack randomly on the back of the door or where unsuspecting kept.
One of ours had a teddy bears picnic in the lounge pre leave. So "had to pack a nice little bag" for the teddy. It was genius on this brave mother's part.
Do you keep shoes coats and car keys accessible.
Any way you could take a bag or paperwork copies to a friend or relative or kept at work or even a train station locker.
These.might take more time than you have I understand that.
Go throguh what your going to say to the kids.

You do not need a big flat initially. A one bed is fine kids in bedroom you can sleep on sofa. Find one and get out . You dc will be so much happier
Then sort out financial child maintenance etc

Hi OP how are you, are you safe now?

@Teeteringonthebrink45

It's 15 days since you last relied on this thread.

have you kept your promise to your daughter ?