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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Told my daughter I'm going to get us out.. was I wrong to tell her?

230 replies

Teeteringonthebrink45 · 01/12/2024 20:16

Background - Daughter is 8, son is 5. "Partner" is massively emotionally abusive and I hate him... i absolutely know I need to leave for children's and my sake but it's financially and psychologically difficult to make the leap, so I keep wavering and not actually making it happen.
As with every weekend, he had a massive blowup - this time over dinner on Sunday, and he was banging his hand on the table and screaming at the children to eat, yelling at me that they're not hungry because I let them eat sweets at the cinema. Daughter is fucking terrified of him and as soon as he yells like this she raises her arms above her head expecting him to go for her. I totally lost it with him tonight - we were screaming at each other and it was awful awful awful... but after he left the room and my daughter was with me I whispered to her "I'm going to find a way to get us away from him..."
But I told her it's a secret and asked her to trust me. I'm really afraid though that I shouldn't have put this on her and it's completely unfair to burden an 8 year old with this... but I have tried to tell her in very subtle ways but tonight I really felt like she needed to hear it for real. Was this a horrible mistake though to ask her to keep this to herself, and is it going to horribly backfire and she'll say something to him? If and when we do leave I'm intending to just go and he will find out once we have left, no way can I envisage a conversation in advance. This is so scary and awful for all of us and I can't believe this is my (and their) reality :(

OP posts:
ElaborateCushion · 02/12/2024 11:04

kitteninabasket · 02/12/2024 10:29

Her daughter shouldn’t have to be asking her mother questions like that. Imagine how it feels to have to ask that question, because you thought you were going to be taken away only for every day to begin and end as usual. The biggest headfuck of all is to be told that, then see your parents acting normally, or even laughing and joking, together.

Show quote history

I know - it's why it should be sufficient incentive to find the courage to leave.

My DM grew up in a household like this with harsh punishments for her and her sibling and her parents shouting at each other all the time. She has said to me in the past that she wished divorce had been more acceptable in the 1960s/1970s as they should never have stayed together.

The marriage only lasted as long as it did because my DGF took a job that took him to the Middle East for 10 months a year.

emmypa · 02/12/2024 11:17

I think the fact that you spoke it aloud (to your DD) has made you wake up and heightened your awareness of this awful situation. Now you have told your DD, and this has made it all the more real. You need to leave. Not next month, not next year, make it a priority to protect your DC and get out.

FestiveFruitloop · 02/12/2024 11:17

Atomickitten · 01/12/2024 21:58

No child would imagine they’re going to be hit unless they already have been … they wouldn’t imagine something they hadn’t experienced

Show quote history

Please stop talking nonsense.

psuedocream3 · 02/12/2024 11:34

Phone the police or go to the police station, right now, report him for emotional abuse - it is a crime, have him arrested and removed from the home and have a restraining order put on him. Restraining orders can be in place extremely fast.

Do not stay in this situation a moment longer, we are all here to support you too.

Original poster
Teeteringonthebrink45 · 02/12/2024 13:05

I have just checked backed in this morning and see that I have an enormous amount of replies... thank you everyone for taking the time to respond to my desperate message sent last night and although I haven't read all of the messages yet I will.

We are all OK today (I'm at work, children are at school), and I am working on getting us out as quickly as I reasonably can. My daughter spoke to me about it again this morning and I know that I need to keep my promise to her, and that keeping her and her brother safe has to be my priority.

OP posts:
psuedocream3 · 02/12/2024 13:08

@Teeteringonthebrink45 Can you phone the police or go to the police station today to have him arrested and removed from the property?

You don't need to 'get us out', you need him removed and out of your lives for good.

MrsAga · 02/12/2024 13:16

Teeteringonthebrink45 · 02/12/2024 13:05

I have just checked backed in this morning and see that I have an enormous amount of replies... thank you everyone for taking the time to respond to my desperate message sent last night and although I haven't read all of the messages yet I will.

We are all OK today (I'm at work, children are at school), and I am working on getting us out as quickly as I reasonably can. My daughter spoke to me about it again this morning and I know that I need to keep my promise to her, and that keeping her and her brother safe has to be my priority.

You have to start that process today. You’ve made her a promise, she needs to see action, not words. It’s only a matter of time before she lets slip that she’s leaving. Most likely when he’s shouting and she’s scared.
Make a call to women’s aid, they’ll help with advice on what your options are & help you get out. Get your important documents together & out the house to somewhere safe.

Share with a trusted friend and family. The shame is his not yours.

good luck

Plastictrees · 02/12/2024 13:19

Teeteringonthebrink45 · 02/12/2024 13:05

I have just checked backed in this morning and see that I have an enormous amount of replies... thank you everyone for taking the time to respond to my desperate message sent last night and although I haven't read all of the messages yet I will.

We are all OK today (I'm at work, children are at school), and I am working on getting us out as quickly as I reasonably can. My daughter spoke to me about it again this morning and I know that I need to keep my promise to her, and that keeping her and her brother safe has to be my priority.

You can do it OP. A happy and safe future is waiting for you. You will be your children’s hero for leaving, you will be breaking the cycle by not normalising domestic abuse. You all deserve better.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 02/12/2024 13:29

Your daughter is already asking you...

SophiaCohle · 02/12/2024 13:29

Whose is the house @Teeteringonthebrink45? Is it his? Is that why you think you need to "work on" getting yourselves out rather than just calling the police and having him removed? I know it's hard but I think you need to be taking action today rather than just going to work as if nothing's happened.

NeedthatFridayfeeling · 02/12/2024 13:33

Good luck OP, be strong, you've told her you'll do it that's your incentive to go asap.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 02/12/2024 13:36

I'm sorry that you're going through this, OP.

You shouldn't have said anything to your dd, but I can understand how it happened. The thing is, you now need to follow through ASAP, otherwise she is going to lose all trust in you.

You know that this isn't a suitable environment for children. Please get them, and yourself, out as soon as possible.

TipsyJoker · 02/12/2024 13:43

Find out what your employers policy is on supporting staff experiencing domestic abuse. They might be able to give you time off to go to women’s aid, pack up some stuff whilst he’s at work and thinks you’re also at work and get to a safe place with the children. You should also tell the school what’s going on and that you’re making plans to leave. They will support you. They might also be able to offer the kids counselling because it’s sounds as though they are quite traumatised by the things they’ve seen, heard and experienced.

Ydkiml · 02/12/2024 13:44

You’re all ok ? No you are not . ! Your child will be worried about you , her sibling , her future , Christmas , the abuse , and worried you may not do anything ! You will lose all trust if you don’t do the right thing and get him out of your life . Go to women’s aid with your children and they will help . Do yourself and your children proud . Do it for them .

Original poster
Teeteringonthebrink45 · 02/12/2024 14:02

We are both named on the mortgage but he owns a much bigger share than me (yet another coerced decision, but anyway...). We're not married, and I would in no way be able to afford the mortgage - plus I just want out of this house, so I'm looking at flats to rent. I think my salary means I won't get any sort of state support but also doesn't really give me enough to be able to easily afford somewhere, so this is why I hadn't left yet. I do know he will have to support the children but I want to make a move without relying on this.

But I have got the message loud and clear that I need to go as soon as possible, and I really do appreciate the sensitivity that people who've been in my position have expressed in their replies (ie he understanding that he has broken me down for so long that i can hardly think straight).

OP posts:
Twins3007 · 02/12/2024 14:13

I lived like this for years, then it started to turn violent that's what made me leave in the end, something just switched and the mortgage, schools, kids friends didn't matter anymore. If I hadn't gone when I did my 12 year old boy would not have been allowed into the woman's refuge for much longer, no it was not nice , it was awful, stuck in one little room but at least we were safe. Best decision I ever made , it was hard work but woman's aid really helped with housing ect and there is never a right time to go, there is always going to be an excuse as why not to leave this time after a kick off but I wish I had gone so much earlier and not let my kids go through what they did

SophiaCohle · 02/12/2024 14:15

Oh gosh, I don't want to make you feel any worse, OP. I just really feel for your little girl, who is probably like a cat on a hot tin roof at school today, imagining that every time the classroom door opens it will be someone coming to take her away to her new home. Children have a very poor grasp of the medium term.

Is it really not possible to ask for help from someone who could get you - or him - out today?

psuedocream3 · 02/12/2024 14:25

Sorry if my comments made you feel bad, I'm not suggesting you're a bad parent. Many of us, including myself, have been where you are, can really emphasise, and know that the longer you leave it - the more out of your control the situation will get.

The police can absolutely have this dealt with on the same day, as soon as they are onvolved it gives you a level of safety that you currently do not have. They can also help you get into emergency accomodation, have him removed for you to collect some belongings if needed.

There are also funds which are available to help women flee domestic violence. I think it's £500 for the immediate needs and up to £2000 for future needs like deposit for a home etc.

TipsyJoker · 02/12/2024 14:33

Teeteringonthebrink45 · 02/12/2024 14:02

We are both named on the mortgage but he owns a much bigger share than me (yet another coerced decision, but anyway...). We're not married, and I would in no way be able to afford the mortgage - plus I just want out of this house, so I'm looking at flats to rent. I think my salary means I won't get any sort of state support but also doesn't really give me enough to be able to easily afford somewhere, so this is why I hadn't left yet. I do know he will have to support the children but I want to make a move without relying on this.

But I have got the message loud and clear that I need to go as soon as possible, and I really do appreciate the sensitivity that people who've been in my position have expressed in their replies (ie he understanding that he has broken me down for so long that i can hardly think straight).

Don’t wait. Get in touch with women’s aid. They will help you find a permanent place to stay. Until then they will house you somewhere safe temporarily. You need to leave asap.

Proseccoh · 02/12/2024 14:35

@Teeteringonthebrink45 I was just watching this and thought you might find it helpful I'm pretty sure you understand what's going on. Please don't think you're on your own, you have a lot of people in here who really want to see you get your freedom.

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music that you love, upload original content and share it all with friends, family and the world on YouTube.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DMr2EwVY9cc

Maddy70 · 02/12/2024 14:49

There is always a way, stay with a friend , family member contact a domestic abuse hotline

Frozensnowflake · 02/12/2024 15:04

It’s a lot to put on your little girl if you don’t leave asap. You need to ring women’s aid and get out today

Oreyt · 02/12/2024 15:10

What if you go to get the kids from school and the school won't let you?

What if your daughter told a teacher she's happy now you are leaving then the school ask why? They then call social services.

This absolutely could happen.

They don't care that you were leaving if it's gone on this long.

I'm not saying it's easy but those kids have to come home from school to that house!!

Needanewname42 · 02/12/2024 15:31

Op you need real life support to do this, and get councilling for your Kids, please get intouch with Womans Aid.
I'm amazed at the amount of support they gave a friend when she was trying to get out an abusive relationship.

Allthehorsesintheworld · 02/12/2024 20:35

Reassure your daughter that you’re working on things. Women’s Aid are there for support if you need it. Stay safe.