Page 4 | Told my daughter I'm going to get us out.. was I wrong to tell her?

Teeteringonthebrink45 · 2024-12-01T20:16:33+00:00

Background - Daughter is 8, son is 5. "Partner" is massively emotionally abusive and I hate him... i absolutely know I need to leave for children's and my sake but it's financially and psychologically difficult to make the leap, so I keep wavering and not actually making it happen. As with every weekend, he had a massive blowup - this time over dinner on Sunday, and he was banging his hand on the table and screaming at the children to eat, yelling at me that they're not hungry because I let them eat sweets at the cinema. Daughter is fucking terrified of him and as soon as he yells like this she raises her arms above her head expecting him to go for her. I totally lost it with him tonight - we were screaming at each other and it was awful awful awful... but after he left the room and my daughter was with me I whispered to her "I'm going to find a way to get us away from him..." But I told her it's a secret and asked her to trust me. I'm really afraid though that I shouldn't have put this on her and it's completely unfair to burden an 8 year old with this... but I have tried to tell her in very subtle ways but tonight I really felt like she needed to hear it for real. Was this a horrible mistake though to ask her to keep this to herself, and is it going to horribly backfire and she'll say something to him? If and when we do leave I'm intending to just go and he will find out once we have left, no way can I envisage a conversation in advance. This is so scary and awful for all of us and I can't believe this is my (and their) reality :(

Atomickitten · 01/12/2024 21:29

I’m just going on what I’m reading here but it sounds like he’s screaming and you’re screaming…why do you think your daughter thinks he’s going to “go for her” ? Has he ever hit her? If not then there’s no reason she’d think such a thing that you’re imagining she’s thinking. Are the kids eating properly ? Not making excuses but was his outburst because he’s worried they aren’t eating properly ie sweets instead of dinner?
This sounds like a dysfunctional relationship on both sides, but I don’t think it’s fair to demonise him and poison the children against their father just because you hate him. And no, you shouldn’t be burdening a child saying you’re going to “get them out”. Separate & as long as he’s not a danger he should be allowed to see his children. Some couples/ parents bring out the worst in each other and are better apart and it’s usually better for children to have both parents in their lives.

Munchyseeds2 · 01/12/2024 21:31

MintTwirl · 01/12/2024 20:47

In the morning when he goes to work pack some bags with the important things and leave. Don’t worry about school or anything else just go,be it family, a hotel or to sit in the council offices
if you need too. You need to do this. It will be hard but things will fall in to place.

Edited

This is exactly what you do tomorrow!

Oreyt · 01/12/2024 21:34

Take passports and birth certificates etc

HerkyBaby · 01/12/2024 21:35

OP- you are not alone . Enveloping you right now is a community of women who are here for you just within Mumsnet. It is the abuse that you are living with day in and day out that has caused this inability to actually do something decisive about it. If you are unable to make a call for help due to fear of discovery - then I suggest that you go to any of the following locations who will undoubtedly allow you to make a call if you explain the situation.
local school
council offices
uniformed services
hospital
doctors
pub
If you don’t do this OP and your children get hurt then there will be unimaginable consequences for you all.
Remember, you are strong, you are a mother , your role is to protect the children and you are worth so much better than this.
When you make the call I want you to imagine all of us standing by your side and your children”s lives when they are living without fear .
Good luck OP. Tomorrow IS the first day of the rest of your life. X

Strawberrysaucee · 01/12/2024 21:37

Atomickitten · 01/12/2024 21:29

I’m just going on what I’m reading here but it sounds like he’s screaming and you’re screaming…why do you think your daughter thinks he’s going to “go for her” ? Has he ever hit her? If not then there’s no reason she’d think such a thing that you’re imagining she’s thinking. Are the kids eating properly ? Not making excuses but was his outburst because he’s worried they aren’t eating properly ie sweets instead of dinner?
This sounds like a dysfunctional relationship on both sides, but I don’t think it’s fair to demonise him and poison the children against their father just because you hate him. And no, you shouldn’t be burdening a child saying you’re going to “get them out”. Separate & as long as he’s not a danger he should be allowed to see his children. Some couples/ parents bring out the worst in each other and are better apart and it’s usually better for children to have both parents in their lives.

Just going on what you're reading huh....the part about him being emotionally abusive? or the massive regular blow ups? The screaming at the children, banging his hand on the table, the 8 year old covering her head in fear.

This is such a dangerous post, this sort of bullshit could convince the OP that they are both at fault, that this guy is not as bad as he obviously is, that it's coming from a place of care and goodness over their eating habits (this articular incident). Which could in turn leave these poor children in this household.

Marblesbackagain · 01/12/2024 21:38

@Atomickitten please don't minimise what this child is living with. And don't ever, ever, justify what an abusive person's does. No behaviour of a child ever justifies this behaviour.

Busybeemumm · 01/12/2024 21:38

Can you imagine what this is doing to your children's growing brains. If you don't make this decision and children's services find out, they will make the decision for you. Call women's aid and get out asap.Tell the children's schools and everyone you know. Women and children are at their most vulnerable when in the process of leaving as the risk of being harmed is much greater.

EmotionalSupportPotato · 01/12/2024 21:38

You've promised her you'll leave so leave. Tomorrow.

BodyKeepingScore · 01/12/2024 21:39

Atomickitten · 01/12/2024 21:29

I’m just going on what I’m reading here but it sounds like he’s screaming and you’re screaming…why do you think your daughter thinks he’s going to “go for her” ? Has he ever hit her? If not then there’s no reason she’d think such a thing that you’re imagining she’s thinking. Are the kids eating properly ? Not making excuses but was his outburst because he’s worried they aren’t eating properly ie sweets instead of dinner?
This sounds like a dysfunctional relationship on both sides, but I don’t think it’s fair to demonise him and poison the children against their father just because you hate him. And no, you shouldn’t be burdening a child saying you’re going to “get them out”. Separate & as long as he’s not a danger he should be allowed to see his children. Some couples/ parents bring out the worst in each other and are better apart and it’s usually better for children to have both parents in their lives.

He is a danger though. He's emotionally and verbally abusive.

Hankunamatata · 01/12/2024 21:40

You have promised your child so phone womens aid, find a shelter and go. Have your forst Xmas free from fear

babyproblems · 01/12/2024 21:42

You absolutely cannot break this promise. I hope you realise that if you do your daughter will be so damaged by a lack of trust and your lack of integrity…
Surely you have somewhere you can go now or call the police and have him leave?? You cannot be contemplating staying when you feel your children are in such danger. The fact your daughter puts her hands up suggests she is already traumatised to some extent. Call women’s aid. Best of luck x

DanceMoveGrooveAndShoutIt · 01/12/2024 21:43

Imagine being an 8yo girl and expecting to get totally walloped by a grown man on a screaming, violent, aggressive tantrum.

To live in that fear must be soul-destroying. How can any adult (him included) do that to little kids?

justanotherchangeofname · 01/12/2024 21:43

Imagine being terrified and then your mum finally promising a way out to only let you down and not get out. The next time he scares her like that will be even worse.

You can't say it and not do it

Lavender14 · 01/12/2024 21:44

I think the last thing op needs right now is a pile on or to have her parenting criticised. Op didn't do this her husband did and she is not responsible for his vile actions. Domestic abuse is entirely based around gradually removing control and that regularly extends to losing your control as a parent. It's vital that op leaves but it's also important that she does it in a safe way when he's out of the house. Only op knows when that is from his routine and schedule. Op, you're stronger than you think and we're all behind you. Even the people criticising just want the best for you and your kids and to see you all free from this horrible man.

Busybeemumm · 01/12/2024 21:45

Atomickitten · 01/12/2024 21:29

I’m just going on what I’m reading here but it sounds like he’s screaming and you’re screaming…why do you think your daughter thinks he’s going to “go for her” ? Has he ever hit her? If not then there’s no reason she’d think such a thing that you’re imagining she’s thinking. Are the kids eating properly ? Not making excuses but was his outburst because he’s worried they aren’t eating properly ie sweets instead of dinner?
This sounds like a dysfunctional relationship on both sides, but I don’t think it’s fair to demonise him and poison the children against their father just because you hate him. And no, you shouldn’t be burdening a child saying you’re going to “get them out”. Separate & as long as he’s not a danger he should be allowed to see his children. Some couples/ parents bring out the worst in each other and are better apart and it’s usually better for children to have both parents in their lives.

You are minimising domestic violence! So you think that he is the concerned father that his children are 'not eating properly'. Does this sound just like a 'dysfunctional relationship!' OP's daughter is so scared of what might happen. Just imagine what those children are going through.

Atomickitten · 01/12/2024 21:45

BodyKeepingScore · 01/12/2024 21:39

He is a danger though. He's emotionally and verbally abusive.

Show quote history

Op says he is emotionally & verbally abusive but hasn’t detailed why other than that he shouts but says she does too ? Bangs his hand on table isn’t hitting. I grew up with shouty parents , I didn’t think they were going to hit me . Why does she think she can mindread child’s thoughts he’s going to “go for her”? Unless he has been violent & OP hasn’t mentioned this crucial bit of information so we can assume not. So this just reads as a dysfunctional relationship to me. Where it sounds like the children are going to be weaponised against the dad

ExhaustedHousewife · 01/12/2024 21:46

TheBeesKnee · 01/12/2024 20:49

You are being extremely fucking unreasonable. How dare you put your child in that situation. Sorry but you need to make this happen ASAP.

I was the child in this situation. My mum said she was leaving my dad. We started packing our bags FFS and as the day wore on she changed her mind then obviously I had to hold the secret that not only did we plan to leave but also didn't leave.

I have never forgiven her and she's tried to rewrite history as I got older, gaslighting me about what happened that day, basically.

Yes I'm still bitter and angry and hate her even though I'm in my 30s. Maybe with enough time I will heal.

I'm so sorry.I hope this helps OP to act.

DanceMoveGrooveAndShoutIt · 01/12/2024 21:47

Atomickitten · 01/12/2024 21:29

I’m just going on what I’m reading here but it sounds like he’s screaming and you’re screaming…why do you think your daughter thinks he’s going to “go for her” ? Has he ever hit her? If not then there’s no reason she’d think such a thing that you’re imagining she’s thinking. Are the kids eating properly ? Not making excuses but was his outburst because he’s worried they aren’t eating properly ie sweets instead of dinner?
This sounds like a dysfunctional relationship on both sides, but I don’t think it’s fair to demonise him and poison the children against their father just because you hate him. And no, you shouldn’t be burdening a child saying you’re going to “get them out”. Separate & as long as he’s not a danger he should be allowed to see his children. Some couples/ parents bring out the worst in each other and are better apart and it’s usually better for children to have both parents in their lives.

Kids eating sweets doesn't cause a man to hit furniture and scream at his family. Gtfo with that idea. He's done that because he wants to hurt them and can't control his anger like an adult.

BodyKeepingScore · 01/12/2024 21:49

@Atomickitten I would argue that your "shouty parents" did you enough harm that you're not able to accurately read a situation as abusive when it clearly is. Yours is the only voice on this thread claiming otherwise. What you are calling dysfunction is textbook abuse.

No child should have to live in that environment. I'm sorry that your own childhood has skewed your perception of that.

Strawberrysaucee · 01/12/2024 21:49

Atomickitten · 01/12/2024 21:45

Op says he is emotionally & verbally abusive but hasn’t detailed why other than that he shouts but says she does too ? Bangs his hand on table isn’t hitting. I grew up with shouty parents , I didn’t think they were going to hit me . Why does she think she can mindread child’s thoughts he’s going to “go for her”? Unless he has been violent & OP hasn’t mentioned this crucial bit of information so we can assume not. So this just reads as a dysfunctional relationship to me. Where it sounds like the children are going to be weaponised against the dad

Show quote history

Sorry but my mum who was in a violent relationship has actually said it was the mental abuse that took the longest to heal from and the fear that he might flip (he didn't always - sometimes he was completely charming of course). You seem to equate abuse = physical violence. This is so far from the truth it's scary.

I also do not think it's a stretch to assume a child who is covering their head in fear is scared something is about to happen to them or is fearful in general.

H0mEredward · 01/12/2024 21:50

Maybe you do leave soon, maybe you don't.
But you haven't completed the sentence you started with your daughter.

You said you were going to get "us away from him...."
But the finishing bit would be to tell her that for half the week, you will be leaving her and your 5 year old along with him.

So yes, you would be away from him - forever if you decided.

But you cannot make that decision about children you jointly have together. The court favours 50/50 contact.

Statistically women return at least 6 more times when in DV.

Go see a lawyer, find out your children's rights on access. Find out how you can make supervised contact be the best outcome and for how many years.

Women's Aid is a great source of advice and support.

DanceMoveGrooveAndShoutIt · 01/12/2024 21:50

Atomickitten · 01/12/2024 21:45

Op says he is emotionally & verbally abusive but hasn’t detailed why other than that he shouts but says she does too ? Bangs his hand on table isn’t hitting. I grew up with shouty parents , I didn’t think they were going to hit me . Why does she think she can mindread child’s thoughts he’s going to “go for her”? Unless he has been violent & OP hasn’t mentioned this crucial bit of information so we can assume not. So this just reads as a dysfunctional relationship to me. Where it sounds like the children are going to be weaponised against the dad

Show quote history

Op says he is emotionally & verbally abusive but hasn’t detailed why

So - if you think she's lying why respond to the thread? You don't need to know what criteria he meets, do you? She has said he abuses them. Living with aggression isn't OK.

You don't sound like you know what you're talking about to be honest, talking nonsense about 'weaponising' kids.

Timetoread · 01/12/2024 21:51

You need to leave, make sure you take money, birth certificates/passports or any important documents or essential items.

Busybeemumm · 01/12/2024 21:51

Atomickitten · 01/12/2024 21:45

Op says he is emotionally & verbally abusive but hasn’t detailed why other than that he shouts but says she does too ? Bangs his hand on table isn’t hitting. I grew up with shouty parents , I didn’t think they were going to hit me . Why does she think she can mindread child’s thoughts he’s going to “go for her”? Unless he has been violent & OP hasn’t mentioned this crucial bit of information so we can assume not. So this just reads as a dysfunctional relationship to me. Where it sounds like the children are going to be weaponised against the dad

Show quote history

Banging your hands on the table constitutes a threat and that poor 8 year is thinking that it might be her head next. I'm sorry that your were raised by 'shouty parents' but this is no way a healthy environment for children to grow up and definitely not just merely dysfunctional.

Starseeking · 01/12/2024 21:53

You were only wrong to tell her if you don't do it.

You absolutely must follow through with leaving, otherwise all you've done is lie to her and give her false hope that she'll not have to live in fear for much longer.

If you are unable to leave for your sake, leave BECAUSE of your DC, this is such an unhealthy environment for them to have been living in for so long. Every day you stay is another day they witness things they shouldn't have to.

Good luck with leaving xXx