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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Told my daughter I'm going to get us out.. was I wrong to tell her?

230 replies

Teeteringonthebrink45 · 01/12/2024 20:16

Background - Daughter is 8, son is 5. "Partner" is massively emotionally abusive and I hate him... i absolutely know I need to leave for children's and my sake but it's financially and psychologically difficult to make the leap, so I keep wavering and not actually making it happen.
As with every weekend, he had a massive blowup - this time over dinner on Sunday, and he was banging his hand on the table and screaming at the children to eat, yelling at me that they're not hungry because I let them eat sweets at the cinema. Daughter is fucking terrified of him and as soon as he yells like this she raises her arms above her head expecting him to go for her. I totally lost it with him tonight - we were screaming at each other and it was awful awful awful... but after he left the room and my daughter was with me I whispered to her "I'm going to find a way to get us away from him..."
But I told her it's a secret and asked her to trust me. I'm really afraid though that I shouldn't have put this on her and it's completely unfair to burden an 8 year old with this... but I have tried to tell her in very subtle ways but tonight I really felt like she needed to hear it for real. Was this a horrible mistake though to ask her to keep this to herself, and is it going to horribly backfire and she'll say something to him? If and when we do leave I'm intending to just go and he will find out once we have left, no way can I envisage a conversation in advance. This is so scary and awful for all of us and I can't believe this is my (and their) reality :(

OP posts:

Bizarred · 01/12/2024 20:40

"If and when we do leave"?

You've told her you're going to get her out of it. You can't just sit back and let her hopes due a little bit each day. If you don't follow through, she will grow up knowing how badly you led her on and let her down.

You have to sort this out. Call Women's Aid, get some help, and do what you've promised.

mammaS11 · 01/12/2024 20:41

Sarahconnor1 · 01/12/2024 20:30

Your 8 year old raises her arms as a protective measure because she is scared he is going to hit her. This suggests he has already done so and she is anticipating being hit.

You need to leave ASAP, if not for you then for your children.

Absolutely this. It feels like you aren't telling the whole story. You need to leave immediately

Pinkissmart · 01/12/2024 20:42

Can you go to a women’s shelter?

Original poster

Teeteringonthebrink45 · 01/12/2024 20:43

I shouldn't have said "if and when" about leaving as I know I have to... but @Proseccoh really hit the nail on the head, after years of being belittled and gaslit and endlessly criticised I can't believe that I will be strong enough to do it, but I know I have to.
Leaving tonight isn't an option but I really really appreciate all of the responses and reading the messages now I think the need to go very very soon is at last hitting me.

OP posts:

Fargo79 · 01/12/2024 20:44

Honestly? No it's not ideal that you've told her. What she needs is action. Immediate action, to keep her safe. Words are meaningless.

Now you've said it, she will likely be experiencing added stress and anxiety, given that you describe her being terrified of her father. So you need to get on and sort this out. My mum told me stuff like this every single time my dad would blow up throughout my childhood and she never actually did anything to protect us. It just made her feel better in those moments to pretend she was going to rescue us. Don't do that to your daughter.

napody · 01/12/2024 20:45

Teeteringonthebrink45 · 01/12/2024 20:43

You do. Can you contact women's aid tonight? Take some kind of concrete step?

MintTwirl · 01/12/2024 20:47

In the morning when he goes to work pack some bags with the important things and leave. Don’t worry about school or anything else just go,be it family, a hotel or to sit in the council offices
if you need too. You need to do this. It will be hard but things will fall in to place.

TheBeesKnee · 01/12/2024 20:49

You are being extremely fucking unreasonable. How dare you put your child in that situation. Sorry but you need to make this happen ASAP.

I was the child in this situation. My mum said she was leaving my dad. We started packing our bags FFS and as the day wore on she changed her mind then obviously I had to hold the secret that not only did we plan to leave but also didn't leave.

I have never forgiven her and she's tried to rewrite history as I got older, gaslighting me about what happened that day, basically.

Yes I'm still bitter and angry and hate her even though I'm in my 30s. Maybe with enough time I will heal.

Redburnett · 01/12/2024 20:49

Telling her but not doing it is a terrible thing to do. Leave tomorrow or she will never trust you again, rightly.

crumpet · 01/12/2024 20:50

You have told her you will leave - will you deliver on that for her? She already knows she can’t trust him.

BunnyLake · 01/12/2024 20:50

You’re concerned about the burden you’ve put on her by telling her you will leave this monster, what about the burden you’ve put on your children by staying with the low life? There are options (like Woman’s Aid) for gods sake use it!

DPotter · 01/12/2024 20:51

I personally don't think you should have told her - especially as you asked her to keep it secret. That's added stress for your poor DD.

You need to get out of there ASAP - like by the end of the week at the absolute latest.

If you work - phone in sick and use the day to find accommodation, whether with family, a refuge, somewhere. And then just leave - grab what you can and go. Don't try and find a long term / permanent accommodation solution - you and your kids need safety and you need it now

fluffiphlox · 01/12/2024 20:52

I think she is being let down massively by both of you, as is your other child. Just get away tonight.

Proseccoh · 01/12/2024 20:52

Teeteringonthebrink45 · 01/12/2024 20:43

I remember feeling like I'd never get us away. After a horrible weekend where I couldn't stop the kids getting dragged into an attempt to take sides I just saw my daughters face (she was 7) and knew I couldn't let them go through it any longer. I called the domestic abuse charity the next day and within 2 hours had a plan, had the police on standby for any trouble and by 10pm he had finally gone. I still shudder thinking about how much I minimised and excused what he was. Ducks in a row time, make the call, get yourself ready, and know this is the start of something better. It's hard, but necessary. You have no choice, and you will be glad you did it. .

NeverDropYourMooncup · 01/12/2024 20:52

If you don't leave by tomorrow, she will never, ever trust you or forgive you. Because you gave her hope this evening.

Leave in the morning. Don't stop, don't look back, don't ever allow yourself to think 'well, maybe he's changed' or 'but he's their father'. He's their abuser and he is making you complicit in their abuse every second you do nothing to save them from him.

Tess150 · 01/12/2024 20:53

It's so sad that you are allowing your children to be emotionally abused like this OP, I can't imagine the trauma they are being put through and the impact this will have on them long term.

Please leave and go anywhere, either family, friends or a woman's shelter. Anywhere is better than here for these poor traumatised children.

It's easy to make excuses as to why you can't do it right now. Stop making excuses and put your children first. If you're not strong enough to do it for you then do it for them. You dd can't trust her dad, if you don't leave then she won't trust you either - and that leaves her very, very vulnerable and alone in this world.

BeTwinklyKhakiPanda · 01/12/2024 20:53

Call 0800 2000247 - the national domestic abuse helpline. They will help you find safe accomodation. Do it as soon as you safely can.

CJsGoldfish · 01/12/2024 20:54

It's not necessarily that you were wrong to tell her, it's the damage that will come if you DON'T follow through. All she'll learn is a confirmation that no one has her back, not even you, and an 8 yr old feeling like there is noone in the world she can trust is heartbreaking.
She already has so much to deal with. To kill her trust in you would be a step too far. You've said it, you now need to follow through

TheyDidntBurnWitchesTheyBurntWomen · 01/12/2024 20:56

When you waver re read what you wrote here. Remember how your dd puts her arms over her head.

It will be hard but you are strong enough I promise. I felt like you once and I can promise you you are strong you have lived in this hell and the eggshells for years and while it's wrong to stay the fact you have survived it shows you how strong you are. Once you leave and you feel safe you will have so much more energy to do all the things you now think you won't be able to do. He is a drain on you, drains your strength and confidence. That drain makes you make mistakes and feel incompetent but you are not!! He has done this. Once you are away you will have the strength.

If you don't leave you have failed your children. A mother who knowingly causes her children to live like this is a terrible mother. Before you hadn't fully realised but now you have and you have to leave. If you ever want a relationship with your dd when she's an adult then you have to follow through. Imagine how much harder it will be for her now to give her hope then take it away. You have to get out within days. Especially as you can't expect a child to keep a secret if your partner finds out you will be in so much danger!

Do you have somewhere to go? Family? Contact woman's aid and ask about refuge. Pack a weekend bag now and stash it somewhere out of the house- a friend or family members house or work. Pack important documents, bank paperwork debts mortgage car finance birth certificate marriage certificate. Photo albums or precious things you own or if you can't sneak them out as they on display take photos of the photos and email them to yourself. Medication. Write a list of what you need to pack but can't sneak out tomorrow on your phone so when you do it you can do it fast. Things like Kids special teddy's and fav toys. Do the final leaving while the kids are at school and he is at work. Don't do it with the kids home in case he find you. Tell someone you will be doing it, can a friend help you pack? On the same day take your name off any joint accounts and take out half the money.

Do not have another weekend in that house

twilightermummy · 01/12/2024 20:57

You need to be very careful. If he catches wind that you intend to leave well, that's when they're at their most dangerous. You've unintentionally put her in a situation that could backfire massively.
As others have said, if social services hear about this before you act upon protecting them, you could lose your children.
Every woman I've met through Women's Aid and similar groups, all wish that they'd left sooner. The wasted years are a big regret and you're causing so much untold trauma for your children and yourself by staying.
Please just leave. Don't think about the logistics, well trained people will sort all of that out for you. Good luck x

Stirrednshaken · 01/12/2024 20:59

It needs to be now. A lot of damage has been done. But it can still get worse.

CrispieCake · 01/12/2024 21:00

You need to leave asap. It sounds like it's escalating. The problem is, you don't know where it will lead or how far he will go if pushed. Look at Emma Pattison, who was a wonderful, smart woman who no doubt thought she could handle a coercive, emotionally abusive husband.

But this is also the most dangerous time, especially if he senses that you're planning to leave and his power is lessening. Get advice and then get out. And be careful - the period when you've left is when you're in most danger. Many abusers can't cope with losing control.

Zanatdy · 01/12/2024 21:01

As a 47yr old adult that once was that child, get out, go tomorrow. Don’t delay. There’s still time to stop it ruining their childhood.

Haffiana · 01/12/2024 21:02

No, it's not OK that you told her that. You did it to make YOU feel better. You are just involving her in your empty promises to yourself.

You are just adding to her burden of feeling unprotected because it is WORDS that you are offering her, not protection.

TheyDidntBurnWitchesTheyBurntWomen · 01/12/2024 21:03

Also when you leave make sure any apps or find my iPhone etc is turned off so he can't find you. Tell the school what has happened and tell the police and social services before he goes to them with a fake story. Tell your kids after you have left that telling the truth is what will keep them safe but don't tell them what to say. Tell any after school clubs or childcare he's not to collect. Don't take kids to any non school clubs he would be able to find you at, if you have regular routine like a day you do a supermarket shop etc change it. And make sure your children know how to phone 999 and that if they are scared they should they won't get in trouble for phoning if they are unsure then they should phone.

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