Page 5 | Told my daughter I'm going to get us out.. was I wrong to tell her?

Franjipanl8r · 01/12/2024 21:53

Every single minute and hour you don’t leave you’re breaking your promise to your daughter. Leave ASAP and get your kids into therapy.

Lavender14 · 01/12/2024 21:53

Atomickitten · 01/12/2024 21:45

Op says he is emotionally & verbally abusive but hasn’t detailed why other than that he shouts but says she does too ? Bangs his hand on table isn’t hitting. I grew up with shouty parents , I didn’t think they were going to hit me . Why does she think she can mindread child’s thoughts he’s going to “go for her”? Unless he has been violent & OP hasn’t mentioned this crucial bit of information so we can assume not. So this just reads as a dysfunctional relationship to me. Where it sounds like the children are going to be weaponised against the dad

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Banging a table may not be hitting but hitting property/damaging property/ acting aggressively AROUND people is still assault. You don't need to actually lay hands on someone to assault them. And ops dds reaction is a major red flag. Any safeguarding informed individual would see that reaction as a cause for concern. Please educate yourself on domestic violence if you're going to respond to posts like these as it can take many forms and can exist where there is absolutely no physical violence.

Atomickitten · 01/12/2024 21:54

Marblesbackagain · 01/12/2024 21:38

@Atomickitten please don't minimise what this child is living with. And don't ever, ever, justify what an abusive person's does. No behaviour of a child ever justifies this behaviour.

The children are living with two parents who scream at each other - OP admits she was screaming at him… and children are being weaponised in an imminent separation. Banging hand on table isn’t hitting child & nor would child imagine they’re going to be hit unless they already have been … which they haven’t or OP would have said this. This isn’t about the child’s behaviour. He is obviously upset their mum fed them on sweets & they’re not eating properly. Either way it’s a dysfunctional relationship & they should separate.

Neveranynamesleft · 01/12/2024 21:55

@Atomickitten
You are entitled to your opinion but you are outnumbered here.

Ophy83 · 01/12/2024 21:56

The risk to you all is highest if he finds out you're leaving. Now you've told her, you have to go ASAP because if she lets anything slip he could flip. And she'll blame herself if he does which is an awful thing for a child to bear.

Have you any family you could stay with?

Atomickitten · 01/12/2024 21:58

DanceMoveGrooveAndShoutIt · 01/12/2024 21:43

Imagine being an 8yo girl and expecting to get totally walloped by a grown man on a screaming, violent, aggressive tantrum.

To live in that fear must be soul-destroying. How can any adult (him included) do that to little kids?

No child would imagine they’re going to be hit unless they already have been … they wouldn’t imagine something they hadn’t experienced

Marblesbackagain · 01/12/2024 22:01

Atomickitten · 01/12/2024 21:54

The children are living with two parents who scream at each other - OP admits she was screaming at him… and children are being weaponised in an imminent separation. Banging hand on table isn’t hitting child & nor would child imagine they’re going to be hit unless they already have been … which they haven’t or OP would have said this. This isn’t about the child’s behaviour. He is obviously upset their mum fed them on sweets & they’re not eating properly. Either way it’s a dysfunctional relationship & they should separate.

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Please stop. Your posts are insulting to women who live in these situations.

Runninggirls26 · 01/12/2024 22:01

Atomickitten · 01/12/2024 21:58

No child would imagine they’re going to be hit unless they already have been … they wouldn’t imagine something they hadn’t experienced

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Absolute nonsense. Of course children can imagine things or expect things that haven’t yet happened

GoAwayScaryVampire · 01/12/2024 22:05

I wrote a similar post here just over three years ago. I asked my daughter (9) if she wanted him to live elsewhere. She broke down and said yes. The next day, I walked out, unplanned after another incident. Just put them all in the car and drove. After a few weeks I had no choice but to go back. He was on his knees… but she was a shell of a child. Reality slowly crept back. (He couldn’t change). Another climax of bad behaviour shortly after and police became involved. The look in her eyes, that face, the impact to her guided me to do everything that I have done since then. Through that process she learned to take no nonsense and learned the empowerment to be in charge of her own life. If I had stayed I was teaching her that it is ok to just put up with this. She was looking to me to understand what was ok and what wasn’t. She was extensively interviewed by police, was traumatised, had therapy and she has now deleted his existence from her brain. She is now happy. But if I had stayed… she wouldn’t be the child she is now.

It’s a hard road, but it’s non-negotiable. (I have also since found my happy ever after). Please let us know how you get on and don’t underestimate how strong you can be. 💪

Runninggirls26 · 01/12/2024 22:08

I left a relationship like this with a baby. Emotional abuse did lead to dv. Leaving is not as straight forward as a lot of people think it is- it’s certainly the bravest thing I ever did. But your life and your children’s will be so much better and you can all finally be happy and safe. I’m rooting for you and know you can do this. I promise it’s possible even if it doesn’t seem that way

whathaveiforgotten · 01/12/2024 22:09

You post is dangerous @Atomickitten

Genuinely dangerous. I hope that OP can see from other people's responses that that is the case.

Fargo79 · 01/12/2024 22:13

Atomickitten · 01/12/2024 21:54

The children are living with two parents who scream at each other - OP admits she was screaming at him… and children are being weaponised in an imminent separation. Banging hand on table isn’t hitting child & nor would child imagine they’re going to be hit unless they already have been … which they haven’t or OP would have said this. This isn’t about the child’s behaviour. He is obviously upset their mum fed them on sweets & they’re not eating properly. Either way it’s a dysfunctional relationship & they should separate.

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You are talking absolute bollocks.

I'm very glad that you have never experienced this kind of terror and fear of potential violence as a child, but for those of us who have your comments are really hurtful. Please stop.

whathaveiforgotten · 01/12/2024 22:13

@Atomickitten

I grew up with shouty parents , I didn’t think they were going to hit me

And yet growing up around them damaged your perception of relationships so much that you think the situation described in OP's first post isn't a very clearly one of a man abusing his partner and children.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 01/12/2024 22:13

Does he work ?

if he works,
once he goes to work:
you phone Woman's Aid first thing,
and google to see if there are any domestic abuse agencies in your area - I know there is in mine as I have seen the poster in my GP's waiting room.

then you pack the essentials ( another poster has already listed them ) then go and collect your children from school ( if they went and you didn't keep them at home )
and take your children either to the domestic abuse shelter or to the Council offices and tell the housing team that you are escaping domestic violence.
Sometimes the local authority will send you to somewhere in a neighbouring area as they feel it is safer for you.

If you work you need to call in ' sick '

I see you call him your partner so I guess you are not married - so that is easier in some ways as you don't need to go through a divorce.

post edited by MNHQ to remove sensitive information

Lilactimes · 01/12/2024 22:15

I hope you leave and leave quickly. Sending strength to you.

whathaveiforgotten · 01/12/2024 22:15

Your posts on here are disgraceful @Atomickitten I really think it's worth you wondering why you are reading the situation so entirely differently to literally every other person on the thread. Don't you think it might be that you are the one who has got it wrong?

DreamyMe · 01/12/2024 22:19

Yes...Having been the child in this scenario, I really feel for your daughter.

An 8 year old doesn't need to have adult worries. They are 8 and their brains aren't developed enough. She is not there to provide you with comfort and support.

If you are going to get her out of it then go ahead and get her out of it.

She isn't choosing this for herself. You are, and you can make it stop.

Sorry, I realise that might sound harsh and I am approaching this with all my own baggage but I think it's really important to keep things plain and simple. This is a big adult problem that she doesn't have the tools for.

I wish you well.

Tahlbias · 01/12/2024 22:19

Please, please, please leave soon! I can't tell you anything different to what everyone else has said on here, but your children are now relying on you to get them away from that awful situation. You are the parent that they can rely on! You have us to support you too!

DanceMoveGrooveAndShoutIt · 01/12/2024 22:20

Atomickitten · 01/12/2024 21:58

No child would imagine they’re going to be hit unless they already have been … they wouldn’t imagine something they hadn’t experienced

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You know what fear is, right? It's not just "things that have happened to you before". You can't be serious with this nonsense

DoYouReally · 01/12/2024 22:24

Teeteringonthebrink45 · 01/12/2024 20:43

I shouldn't have said "if and when" about leaving as I know I have to... but @Proseccoh really hit the nail on the head, after years of being belittled and gaslit and endlessly criticised I can't believe that I will be strong enough to do it, but I know I have to.
Leaving tonight isn't an option but I really really appreciate all of the responses and reading the messages now I think the need to go very very soon is at last hitting me.

I'm really sorry to be harsh when you're in such a horrible situation but you HAVE to be strong enough to leave. Your children are terrified.

If you can't find that strenght on your own you need to involve family, friends, women's aid and even the police but it's gone beyond the point where leaving is an option, it's now a necessity.

Atomickitten · 01/12/2024 22:24

whathaveiforgotten · 01/12/2024 22:09

You post is dangerous @Atomickitten

Genuinely dangerous. I hope that OP can see from other people's responses that that is the case.

It’s very clear I am saying she should leave / they should separate. I just don’t like the thought of children being burdened, weaponised and ideas of hitting being imagined and planted in people’s heads when op or the children have never been hit. But that aside, she should absolutely leave.

ForRealwhen · 01/12/2024 22:29

Teeteringonthebrink45 · 01/12/2024 20:16

Background - Daughter is 8, son is 5. "Partner" is massively emotionally abusive and I hate him... i absolutely know I need to leave for children's and my sake but it's financially and psychologically difficult to make the leap, so I keep wavering and not actually making it happen.
As with every weekend, he had a massive blowup - this time over dinner on Sunday, and he was banging his hand on the table and screaming at the children to eat, yelling at me that they're not hungry because I let them eat sweets at the cinema. Daughter is fucking terrified of him and as soon as he yells like this she raises her arms above her head expecting him to go for her. I totally lost it with him tonight - we were screaming at each other and it was awful awful awful... but after he left the room and my daughter was with me I whispered to her "I'm going to find a way to get us away from him..."
But I told her it's a secret and asked her to trust me. I'm really afraid though that I shouldn't have put this on her and it's completely unfair to burden an 8 year old with this... but I have tried to tell her in very subtle ways but tonight I really felt like she needed to hear it for real. Was this a horrible mistake though to ask her to keep this to herself, and is it going to horribly backfire and she'll say something to him? If and when we do leave I'm intending to just go and he will find out once we have left, no way can I envisage a conversation in advance. This is so scary and awful for all of us and I can't believe this is my (and their) reality :(

Sounds to me that there is an element of overwhelm for you right now - hence you're asking on MN about what to do and how to proceed / whether or not you're justified in how you're approaching this

Wondering what it might feel like to take a week's (or more) break from this connection to give yourself some headspace and space to figure how you feel and what you want...?

x

ShinyPebble32 · 01/12/2024 22:30

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 01/12/2024 22:13

Does he work ?

if he works,
once he goes to work:
you phone Woman's Aid first thing,
and google to see if there are any domestic abuse agencies in your area - I know there is in mine as I have seen the poster in my GP's waiting room.

then you pack the essentials ( another poster has already listed them ) then go and collect your children from school ( if they went and you didn't keep them at home )
and take your children either to the domestic abuse shelter or to the Council offices and tell the housing team that you are escaping domestic violence.
Sometimes the local authority will send you to somewhere in a neighbouring area as they feel it is safer for you.

If you work you need to call in ' sick '

I see you call him your partner so I guess you are not married - so that is easier in some ways as you don't need to go through a divorce.

post edited by MNHQ to remove sensitive information

Why are you telling us where your local authority sends people who are fleeing domestic violence? 😱 doesn’t seem like a great idea

SnoopySantaPaws · 01/12/2024 22:33

If he is out at work tomorrow, take the kids to school & then find family/friend/woman's aid to help & go,

if you jointly own the house or you're the lead tenant, call the police & get them to help you get rid of him. Either way make tonight the last night you are all in the house.

You CAN do this. You HAVE to do this

Heronwatcher · 01/12/2024 22:35

You’re worrying about the wrong thing. Regardless of what you did/ didn’t tell her just get out. Next time you’ve got 2-3 hours when he’s out grab your passports and what money you have and go. Get yourselves to a police station/ safe place (not somewhere he knows about) and take it from there.

Don’t over complicate it, there will never be a good time. Don’t worry about possessions, legalities, pets, anything else- all of that can be sorted in slower time. Just get out before he kills one of you.