Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Told my daughter I'm going to get us out.. was I wrong to tell her?

230 replies

Teeteringonthebrink45 · 01/12/2024 20:16

Background - Daughter is 8, son is 5. "Partner" is massively emotionally abusive and I hate him... i absolutely know I need to leave for children's and my sake but it's financially and psychologically difficult to make the leap, so I keep wavering and not actually making it happen.
As with every weekend, he had a massive blowup - this time over dinner on Sunday, and he was banging his hand on the table and screaming at the children to eat, yelling at me that they're not hungry because I let them eat sweets at the cinema. Daughter is fucking terrified of him and as soon as he yells like this she raises her arms above her head expecting him to go for her. I totally lost it with him tonight - we were screaming at each other and it was awful awful awful... but after he left the room and my daughter was with me I whispered to her "I'm going to find a way to get us away from him..."
But I told her it's a secret and asked her to trust me. I'm really afraid though that I shouldn't have put this on her and it's completely unfair to burden an 8 year old with this... but I have tried to tell her in very subtle ways but tonight I really felt like she needed to hear it for real. Was this a horrible mistake though to ask her to keep this to herself, and is it going to horribly backfire and she'll say something to him? If and when we do leave I'm intending to just go and he will find out once we have left, no way can I envisage a conversation in advance. This is so scary and awful for all of us and I can't believe this is my (and their) reality :(

OP posts:
Lotsofsnacks · 01/12/2024 21:03

There’s no ‘if’ you go asap OP. Call Women’s Aid

TiredCatLady · 01/12/2024 21:04

Love to you OP - call Women’s Aid in the morning. We’ll all be rooting for you.

Proseccoh · 01/12/2024 21:04

Something else I really hadn't appreciated was how much it had already affected my children. I thought I was taking the brunt and shielding them from it. Boy how wrong I was. Imagine in 15/20 years your daughter introducing you to her new partner, and you just know he's the same. Because you're teaching her that this is what relationships are like. I mean that with kindness; you need to stop kidding yourself.

Sixpence39 · 01/12/2024 21:05

You need to leave right now. Every day you stay is causing damage to your children that cannot be undone. Be strong for them. Womens Aid and Refuge charity can help you. refuge.org.uk/

Oreyt · 01/12/2024 21:06

You're her mum and now you've said that she will believe you.

How long will she be waiting?

NerrSnerr · 01/12/2024 21:07

Now you've told her you have to follow through straight away. If you don't leave she's been let down by another parent, if she accidentally tells him she'll feel to blame for the backlash from him.

I'd also let her know that she can talk to a trusted adult at school about what's happening at home and it doesn't have to be a secret from them.

notacooldad · 01/12/2024 21:09

The longer you stay the more damage is being done to your daughter, but you know that and you are trying to do something about it. It is unlikely you will be able to do it efficiently or quickly by yourself unless you have friends and family nearby. As others have said get Women's Aid involved.
I know it it is very very difficult to leave an abusive relationship but you are psyching your self up to do this.
Believe in a happy future for you and your daughter and take a huge leap of faith with a network of help ready to support you.
Stay safe and good luck.

StarDolphins · 01/12/2024 21:10

It’s absolutely ok IF you do it. If you don’t, you’ve damaged her & let her down imo. If she has to stay in this after you saying you’ll get her away, that would be awful.

For you & her, get out asap.

Loudmomma · 01/12/2024 21:10

Wow I absolutely feel for your poor kids this is horrible to read

Strawberrysaucee · 01/12/2024 21:11

I grew up in a violent household. We were 'only' in it until I was 4. I have suffered massively with anxiety, low self esteem, been in horrendous relationships where I have allowed men to treat me appallingly. It was 'only' 4 years of my childhood but it has had lasting effects that I still battle with to this day. My anxiety will never truly be gone and my heart still races when someone shouts.

Please leave as soon as you can, in any way you can. The damage growing up in this environment is so hard to undo - you need to start this now. My mum seriously underestimated the effect it had had on me and my sibling, not helped either by the fact she also of course suffered massively with her own mental health afterwards.

RedPanda3 · 01/12/2024 21:11

Coming from the experience of a child - it was easier for me for me to ‘get over’ and let go (after lots of therapy) the abuse itself than it was to get over the person who told me they would help and then left me suffering.

its took me a very very very long time to forgive my mother, knowing she could have helped but didnt. The person who was meant to protect me.

I am in no way saying that to guilt you, but i just wanted to share perspective There is nothing to stop you that cant be fixed in time. Not housing, not money, not jobs should be put over the wellbeing of your children

haje · 01/12/2024 21:12

You have not burdened her with a secret.

YOU HAVE MADE HER A PROMISE

follow it through now

Theredjellybean · 01/12/2024 21:13

I think some posters are being harsh.
You must be exhausted, terrified and feeling so guilty for your children being in this position.
Use the fact you've told your dad you are getting them away as your motivation...when you are wavering remember you promised her and you can't let her down....hold that thought tight to your chest , and let it be your courage.
I would advocate getting a plan in place and gathering your thoughts and vital possessions, paperwork etc.
If you rush out tonight and he comes round and tells you he's sorry , he'll change blah blah... you'll weaken and go back ..and the cycle will go round again.
Take a few days, be strong, remember you told your dad so you cannot back down now even when you feel like it.
Hold the secret in your head...when he is being awful just remember you know something he doesn't....he no longer controls you...you have a super power...you are a mum protecting her children.
You can do it ....good luck

Theredjellybean · 01/12/2024 21:13

DD not dad...

Strawberrysaucee · 01/12/2024 21:16

Theredjellybean · 01/12/2024 21:13

I think some posters are being harsh.
You must be exhausted, terrified and feeling so guilty for your children being in this position.
Use the fact you've told your dad you are getting them away as your motivation...when you are wavering remember you promised her and you can't let her down....hold that thought tight to your chest , and let it be your courage.
I would advocate getting a plan in place and gathering your thoughts and vital possessions, paperwork etc.
If you rush out tonight and he comes round and tells you he's sorry , he'll change blah blah... you'll weaken and go back ..and the cycle will go round again.
Take a few days, be strong, remember you told your dad so you cannot back down now even when you feel like it.
Hold the secret in your head...when he is being awful just remember you know something he doesn't....he no longer controls you...you have a super power...you are a mum protecting her children.
You can do it ....good luck

It's not harsh. It's very hard to leave an abusive relationship - make no mistake.

But we are adults and we have a choice, no matter how tough a choice it may seem. The children in these households have no choice, they are completely at the mercy of the adults around them.

OverthinkingOlive · 01/12/2024 21:16

Good luck OP x

MrsMitford3 · 01/12/2024 21:18

Please go. Now. Show your DD that you will not take abuse.

Set her up for a life of freedom and power.

Practically-where can you go? `
How do you leave?

Get Going!!

Bananalanacake · 01/12/2024 21:20

Well done on preparing to leave. Get out tomorrow when he's at work.

whathaveiforgotten · 01/12/2024 21:21

OP now that you've said this to her it's even more urgently you need to leave.

If she tells him you said this then you are all in even more danger - the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when you leave.

Please prioritise this tomorrow, you now really don't have a single day to spare.

Try to have a decent sleep overnight then call womens aid or go to a police station, first thing tomorrow.

Flowers
Nc546888 · 01/12/2024 21:21

Fuck me OP I was overshared with as a 10 year old with parents who argued and then divorced. It was NOT healthy to have information that I was not supposed to have nor did I understand.

she will be dwelling on everything you say. Don’t tell her stuff in secret just be the grown up in the situation and take control of it

FridayFeelingmidweek · 01/12/2024 21:22

Please never ever ask your child to keep a secret. Talk to her again and tell her she us allowed to talk to her teachers. This is such a dangerous message to send a young girl - a man gets angry, threatening, violent and we keep it a secret.

Then, please leave or throw him out. You can do this. Don't bide your time. Simply record an episode of his outburst, call the police and tell them he us abusive and a threat to your children. You cannot allow your children to have their childhoods and futures destroyed by this. Get help from women's aid, citizens advice and the police.

FridayFeelingmidweek · 01/12/2024 21:25

Nc546888 · 01/12/2024 21:21

Fuck me OP I was overshared with as a 10 year old with parents who argued and then divorced. It was NOT healthy to have information that I was not supposed to have nor did I understand.

she will be dwelling on everything you say. Don’t tell her stuff in secret just be the grown up in the situation and take control of it

This! She is your child to protect, not talk to as an ally or ask to keep a secret. Hopefully the shocked comments here will help you feel you can do this and leave this abuse. Feel so sad for the children.

AgathaLioness · 01/12/2024 21:25

Id rather be hungry than scared of physical violence and emotional abuse.

Gather your things and leave asap

PinkyBlueMe · 01/12/2024 21:26

It's not great that you told her and asked her to keep a secret. This is especially difficult for her if he's her father - sorry I couldn't see that info so apologies if I missed it.
But the worst scenario is telling her that and then not following through.
You need to get out.

Marblesbackagain · 01/12/2024 21:29

If you are not able to leave now please disclose to the school so she gets support. Have you been in contact with women's aid?