Alcoholic DP...is it over?

[Morry15]

Been with alcoholic DP for 18 months. Met OLD. Told me 5 months into dating he had some 'issues' with alcohol

Had no idea how bad it was.

Fast forward, AA meetings, therapy, in-house rehab. He's been drinking the whole time.

Last Thursday was the last straw. Met up, was drunk (he denied it initially, then admitted to it). Had argument. Haven't spoken since.

Had tried to leave in the past but felt like I was giving up on him.

I know it's the right thing for us not to be together but I'm still sad.

Just need a handhold I guess.

So sorry for you. You’re right. Don’t go back

Alcoholics take you down with them.

You won’t be pissed and cheerful while it happens, either.

Oh good god yes. 100%. And be thankful that you can get out now.

So sorry that you're having to go through this but no there's no point carrying on. He needs the help but it's not your job to help him, look after yourself. Takes a lot of courage but you'll be thankful in the future xx

I know it's completely irrational but I keep thinking what if he cleans up his act and then is the best partner for his next girlfriend. These are the thoughts I'm having.

I’m a recovering alcoholic and people with addictions who have properly sorted themselves out can be fantastic partners. BUT the caveat is that he needs to actually do the work of sorting himself out first.

You’re only 18 months in. These are the best days of a relationship. It shouldn’t be this hard. And realistically, the best thing for him is to get sober and focus on himself. I don’t personally do AA, but in AA people are advised not to embark on a new relationship in the first year. It’s all too much. If he really wants to sort himself out (and alcoholics are pretty good at pretending they do when they really don’t!), the best thing is for him to crack on and do that. If it’s truly meant to be, then one day it will be, but it’s not your job to save him. You can’t. Only he can.

It's not irrational. It's a totally rational and possible outcome you're envisioning. It's difficult to judge based on a few sentences. I felt given its relatively early days you might be better calling it quits (having had a lot of experience with family members and addiction). There's always a chance they will come ok and everything will be sorted. But given where it sounds like he is right now the chances are you're going to go through the wringer with him. Based on your post I think you know what the right thing is for you. It's not easy at all tho. I feel for you. Xx

Agree with poster above. I think it was the early stage of your relationship that gives me the stop now vibes. I stuck with my husband who is been with for 10 years through a horrid addiction, he got through it. But a lot of people don't. We had young children which made me stick with it.

My ex husband was like this. He proposed on our third date, I said ask me again when you are sober. Six weeks later asked me again, castle in PRAGUE huge diamond etc etc. 12 years later I'm divorcing him as he is full blown alcoholic, gambler and turns out he couldn't father children. Get rid now before you get sucked in.

He had admitted to me he drinks on the way to AA meetings.

Went to in house rehab. Said all the right things but then started drinking as soon as got out and said he'd only gone to rehab as his family pressured him AND paid for him

Have organised to meet up many many times and he hasn't shown and left me waiting in restaurants, movies etc. as he'd fallen asleep after drinking.

He's always asked for 'one more chance'. I've given him about fifteen last chances

I think his family enable him. Let him live with him, cook and clean for him. His family s0eak to his work about giving him another chance.

I would recommend getting support as he will do his utmost to keep you sucked in. There are lots of organizations out there but even a friend who understands why you're doing this. Stick to your guns as it might not be easy x

It's a shame because his family are delaying his recovery, he needs to feel a bit desperate to get better x

Look, it’s not impossible that that could happen. But it’s so unlikely, so please don’t waste years of your life hoping to be the one he “changes for”. It will likely never happen for you or anyone who comes after.

One of my exes is an alcoholic. It was hard to make the decision to leave as I really loved him but couldn’t deal with the stress any more. Since then he has gotten clean several times (during which times I felt both happy he was clean and sad that I wasn’t the one who he got clean “for”).

He’s fallen back off the wagon every time. He got married and divorced. He’s come back sniffing around me to see if I’d get back together, which I wouldn’t. He got back together with his ex after me, who once came to me crying and asked if he was verbally abusive to me when drunk too, which sadly I had to tell her he wasn’t, so he was clearly getting worse.

He can be so charming and fun and thoughtful and I still catch up with him for a coffee from time to time but proper alcoholism is a brutal and complex condition and it’s very rare for people to pull out of it.

If he’s in therapy and AA and rehab and it’s not touching the sides, I would say there is very little hope. Seriously do not put yourself through it. There are other good men out there.

Please walk away. I was with an alcoholic for ten years. It was a living nightmare. My life only began again when we split up.

You deserve better! He’s failed to meet you out because he’s prioritised drinking over meeting you? Nah, that’s not acceptable.

It’s not your job to save him, forgive him, or give him a 16th last chance. Please respect yourself and get out now.

The only person you can save in this situation is yourself. Do it now before you’re married or children are in the picture. do you really want to potentially have children with this man, and have him disappoint them the way he is disappointing you?

Look at it this way, you’ve already wasted 18 months of your life on him. Do you really want to waste 18 years of your life on him?

who cares if he sorts himself out for his next girlfriend? Be happy if he does. He’s not sorting himself out for you, and that’s all that matters.

Thank you for your responses.

As Cheeky mentioned, I'm sad that our relationship isn't important enough to him to stop drinking but I guess this says more about me than him.

He can be great when sober but I always had this anxiety that started to escalate when he was running late or not answering his phone (even if was innocent, my mind jumps to oh..he's drinking again).

It all just sucks.

Can you also please consider looking into why you think his treatment of you is acceptable?
Being stood up numerous times would be the end point for many people

As Cheeky mentioned, I'm sad that our relationship isn't important enough to him to stop drinking but I guess this says more about me than him.

@Morry15

As I’ve learned, it wasn’t that my ex didn’t love me (or any of his subsequent partners) enough to stop drinking. He doesn’t love himself enough to stop drinking.

BBB: you're right. Whether he's perfect for the next girl isn't my problem. Just need to read this over and over again.

Weenurse: he would say he was tired and fell asleep..he does work long hours and of course I believed him..come to find out it was all cause of drink.

Am feeling so flat today. Haven't heard from DP since Thursday. All I keep thinking about is that 'is he ok?'.
I know he's not my problem but I cared (care) deeply for this man.

I know it's the right thing to do to walk away and my anxiety when I was with him (is he drinking, is he going to show up drunk), is replaced with a different kind of anxiety (is he ok?, does he hate me and think I'm a bad person, did he ever mean the stuff he said about me and that he cared about me).

Was it all a lie

His primary relationship is with drink, not you.

He told you what you wanted to hear. Your relationship with him was built on lies and denial.

Walk away from this mess now before become ever more over invested in him. You did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this.

Read about codependency and see how much of this relates to your own behaviour.

Write this out and pin it up all over your house op. He can't care because alcohol is his everything. He'd sell his granny for a drink , everything comes last behind drink. Save yourself the heart ache and forget him.

Thank you everyone for your replies. Everytime I have a wobble and want to reach out to him, I read these posts over and over.

You’ve done the best thing.
I didn’t realise what alcoholism was when I met my ex husband. Thought he drank a lot but he passed it off as the industry he worked in.
After only a year he was desperate for us to marry, kept on and on. Stupidly I gave in and married him, he moved into my house and within 3 weeks he’d given up his job, was going to be self employed and he had ONE client lined up ( just the one!) and he’d not officially signed them up yet.
There followed 4 years of misery, embarrassment, he put me in a few potentially dangerous positions. He lived off me while he sat at home drinking. I arrived home one day to find strangers wandering around my house he'd invited in.
He became nastier and threatening when I tried to cut off money. He threatened to ruin my life, rape me and kill me.
This is the reality of living with an alcoholic. It varies but it’s awful.
Don’t think you can ‘ save ‘ him. You can’t. That is up to him.
Please be wiser than me and walk away, stay away.
It took me years to recover financially and emotionally. But my life did improve hugely once I’d got rid of him.

Update: DP or ex-DP (not sure of status) reached out after nearly a week. Apologised over and over, said he's dine alot of thinking and knows what he has to do.

Doesn't want to lose the relationship, is doing AA meetings and has signed on for therapy.

Sounded sober when telling me all this. Sent me a gift to make it up to me (I have never liked this strategy from anyone..I've messed up, here's a gift and I'm off the hook, it actually annoys me).

There's an internal battle between my heart and head.

This is a critical time for you to stay strong and keep your boundary.

My ex (together 15 years, he died 2 years ago - alcohol related age 41) let me down so so so many times due to drinking - I developed a really horrific anxiety that would creep up whenever we had a plan, whenever he was due home.
The anxiety about whether he would show up ate away at me and consumed me. 90% of the time he wouldn't show up or he would be 2 or 3 hours late. Wouldn't even reply to calls/texts.
I couldn't live a normal life. My life became completely overshadowed by his life of drinking and my worry over it.
This will happen to you if you stay with this man.

Best thing you can do is say 'well done it sounds like you're doing great but I need to look after myself now'.

It's so hard when you love someone. But you have to do it. Otherwise you'll lose yourself in the process of him attempting to find himself.

It's not your job. He is the only one who can save himself.