Alcoholic DP...is it over?

[Morry15]

Been with alcoholic DP for 18 months. Met OLD. Told me 5 months into dating he had some 'issues' with alcohol

Had no idea how bad it was.

Fast forward, AA meetings, therapy, in-house rehab. He's been drinking the whole time.

Last Thursday was the last straw. Met up, was drunk (he denied it initially, then admitted to it). Had argument. Haven't spoken since.

Had tried to leave in the past but felt like I was giving up on him.

I know it's the right thing for us not to be together but I'm still sad.

Just need a handhold I guess.

Hello everyone. Happy Friday. Just wanted to thank everyone again for your very helpful replies.

I've started to read the 'Codependent no more' book. I like it.

No contact from exDP so I've had a very calm couple of days. That said, I had a dream about him last night! It was one of those dreams where when you wake up you think (for about 10 seconds) that it was real.

In the dream, I saw him out walking and he was on one side of the road and I was on the other and he was crossing the road to come over to my side but he was drunk so all the cars were trying to swerve around him as he wasnt checking when he walked over. I ended up going to middle of the road to navigate the cars so they wouldn't hit him. Crazy!

Woke up a bit freaked out, but much better now. One day at a time.

Literal car crash waiting to happen 😅

Sounds like Melodie's book is getting into your subconscious - its all about our own impulses to save, manage and control which are inadvertently enabling the drinker to carry on - because they never have to endure the consequences of their choices and behaviour.

Dreams are very clever at summing up situations aren't they!

It's so hard watching someone go down a destructive path, it's like a kind of quiet torture as there is nothing you can do. Once you've spoken to them, told them you support them, love them, will help them - then it's literally up to them.

So hard.

I miss my partner when he was sober, fun, bright and talented, so much.
Such a damn waste. The alcohol industry turns a blind eye to the destruction it causes. Don't get me started on uber alcohol delivery. It should be illegal.

I hate to tell you this, but I still dream about my late alcoholic husband. He has been dead almost 7 years.

OP, the fact that you need to ask this question suggests you need to do some work on yourself about making healthy relationship choices. This should be an absolute and obvious deal breaker.

Me too.

Often we're just on a walk with our child as if 10 years ago when he was just 5, or at an event, or just doing trivial little things like chatting about a film we've watched or exploring a new (dreamt up) place we've found.

It's hard waking up from those dreams

Wow. Usually you need to google dream meanings but this surely doesn’t need any analysis!!

Have a great break, DO YOU ! Look out for yourself and take care of yourself and your own well-being.

It's not his fault, alcoholism is an utterly utterly terrible affliction and often the alcohol addicted person is as utterly petrified of themselves and the horror they're living as their nearest and dearest are.

However, that being said: nobody deserves the life of living with someone who's in active addiction. They're dragging an innocent victim into a world of utter horror and pain.

As someone said upthread: people with addictions have no business getting into relationships.

Different if the person recovers (and many people do actually) but getting involved with an active addict? Definitely not.

I feel so sorry for people afflicted. It's awful for them, truly awful. But a good person (which some alcoholics really are ) must sacrifice their need for 'love' and set others free from them. It's just not ethical or moral to invite another person into that world , knowing you cannot offer them stability and a healthy relationship.

Block block block and block some more. I would rather be single for ever that deal with this BS.

Thank you for your responses. Feeling a bit flat today. Saw a friend by chance earlier today on the high street (not a close friend but a friend nonetheless) who asked me 'How is DP?' Just normal conversation, they don't know about his drinking.

I didn't want to get into it or explain so i just said 'He's fine thank you'

I feel crap for lying to my friend.

You did what you needed to do to cope and protect yourself emotionally dont worry about that - you did good.

He might well be 'fine' in his own world - sipping away to his hearts content unhindered.

BUT - you are in denial if you dont think others know he is a heavy drinker - its very common in families and sadlymany of us have experience and know what we are looking at.

Stop protecting him. Start being honest as much as you can. The shame is not yours.

You can use the phrase 'problematic drinker' instead of 'alcoholic' - or 'We are not together now as his drinking caused problems in our relationship'

Nice people will take your lead and not dig futher or share the horrors / challenges they've had with a partner/friend/parent who's drinking was 'problematic'.

Don’t feel embarrassed. You’re not lying, you’re just not saying all there is. When you do that, is up to you.
But your time away couldn’t have come at a better time, hope that the time and distance gives you space to clear your head.

You need to Grey Rock this bloke. Honestly, why did you go back to him, because thats how he sees it now. You have undone 3 months of work on yourself. He will be drinking, mark my words

Stop beating yourself up about going back. It happened, but I suspect won't happen again.
When someone aske how he is, an easy answer is to pull a regretful face and say " Ah, I'm afraid that didn't work out, we've been apart for a while now." then change the subject !

I think there's no need to bash him to strangers.

There's still a lot of misconceptions that "alcoholics" (outdated useless word ) = bad people who deserve to be bashed around the head and run into the ground by and to everyone.

"Alcoholics" vary. Some are wrong'uns. Some are very unwell people (usually mental health , trauma history )

Some are victims of the culture in which they were immersed in as children.

But many are vulnerable, unwell people.

Nobody deserves to be inflicted with their subsequent behaviour. Nobody should feel duty bound to "stick by" someone showing behaviours that are unhealthy illness or no illness.

You walking away is the correct decision. You must stick to it too.

but , no you don't need to "fuck the bastard. Block block block, tell everyone he's a fucking alky" blah blah blah.

As another poster upthread said , you can keep it simple. You owe nobody an explanation. "He drank in a problematic way. Its not something I am willing to take on" end of.

Hello everyone. Thank you for the support.

I have blocked him now but it's not in a f* you kind of way. It's more for my sanity.

As a PP noted, I don't want to bash him to people. I'd rather just say it didn't work out (when I'm ready to do so).

If lm honest, I do think about him (I have zero urge to contact him) but just wonder how he is doing. I guess it takes time.

of course it will take time. this is someone you care about. But first and foremost you need to look after yourself; and this means total avoidance. Good Luck.

Yes, it will take time, everyone’s different and only you will know when you’re sure you can contact without getting sucked back in. Don’t be rushed

I'm with a recovering alcoholic. He his it from me until we married. Wish I had walked but several years down the line. Even when they give up alcohol it xan impact your social life ( non existent) and can lead to long standing personality issues, heath problems etc. Leave while you can.

Agree look up "Dry Drunk" - living with someone white-knucking full of simmering contempt is hideous.

Re-read your first posts. He is really far gone. He is also old and likely has caused at least 30 years of excessive irreversible alcohol damage to his mind and body. An aging alcholic is not someone you want to be personally caring for.

When he says its only been the last 10 years thats not true - maybe 10 years ago people started calling out his behavior and the wheels started falling off his wagon - relationships ending, money issues, career issues etc. Before that he probably just considered himself a 'heavy drinker' - but I can spot the alcholics amongst my teenage childrens friends - they drink differently - too fast and always get shitfaced - their peer group dont know what they are looking at at tht age.

I really hope you manage to stick to your resolve and can extricate yourself fully from this relationship. It's sad, but he's unlikely to change, and even if he does, it can be a long slow process with numerous false starts, and no guarantee that he won't relapse further down the line. My ex husband is an alcoholic - we were together for 20 years, with the drinking being a serious problem for about the last 10. By that point I was already so invested (and with a child) that I clung on just hoping it would get better. Tried everything. Heard all the promises to change over and over again. Some alcoholics can get long-term sober, but many can't, and unfortunately it's impossible to tell which camp any given person falls into. It's not a gamble I would ever take again.

I ultimately filed for divorce in 2022. It has been a long hard road and made ten times worse by the fact we had been together so long and have a child together. Believe me, this is not the way you want your situation to go. He had an awful time after he finally moved out, drinking even more and generally falling apart, went into hospital several times and almost died. About four months ago it was like a light switched on and he suddenly got sober. Seemed like a different person, much more together and self-aware, going to AA again, getting good people around him. I really thought he could do it this time. He called me a few days ago to tell me he'd relapsed. I feel bad for him, but another dominant feeling is huge relief that we're not together any more and that although I'm still in his life, this isn't my problem in the way it once was.

I hope you can get enough clarity to realise that cutting contact and moving on is the only sensible decision here. The other thing to remember is that alcoholism is a progressive disease. It will get worse. By the end of our time together my ex was drinking literally all through the day, regularly being picked up by police and paramedics, being sectioned multiple times, totally unable to look after himself in any way. It got to the point where I realised that he was taking me down with him and I made the decision to save myself and my child. Now our lives are calmer (and I'm in a relationship with someone else who has opened my eyes as to how things should be). It is sad, but I'll never regret it.

As always, thank you everyone for your responses and for sharing your stories.

I'm not financially tied to this man nor any children so there is no issue there.

I'm trying to realise that this is actually a blessing as there is actually no need for us to be in touch.

I'm feeling a little bit calmer over the last days.

Regarding the progression of the issues that come with his drinking, I witnessed this even in the short time that I knew him.

He'd forget alot! And drop items ALL the time. Ive dropped things over the years, don't get me wrong but this was ALL the time.

When we would have dinner together, he would always drop food all over the table and on the floor. Alot of shaking. If you'd seen the seating area, you'd think a toddler had been sitting there. I used to think he was just very clumsy. If iI raised it (in a jokey way) he'd just say he was tired. I used to hear that alot. 'I haven't had a drink, I'm just tired'