Alcoholic DP...is it over?

[Morry15]

Been with alcoholic DP for 18 months. Met OLD. Told me 5 months into dating he had some 'issues' with alcohol

Had no idea how bad it was.

Fast forward, AA meetings, therapy, in-house rehab. He's been drinking the whole time.

Last Thursday was the last straw. Met up, was drunk (he denied it initially, then admitted to it). Had argument. Haven't spoken since.

Had tried to leave in the past but felt like I was giving up on him.

I know it's the right thing for us not to be together but I'm still sad.

Just need a handhold I guess.

Sounded sober? That’s a low bar. If he is in 6 months then see if you still want to go forward. For now? Not a chance.

Walk away and put the fomo thoughts out of your head and find someone who is their best self with you now💐

As @Wolfiefan says, congratulate him on his steps forward, say you believe in him, but that right now you need to give him space to focus on dealing with his alcohol problem and that a relationship is too complicated for both of you.

Nothing is really new here. He's done meetings before. Didn't you say he drinks on the way to them? He's done therapy before. This seems like just a tactic to get you to stay in the relationship, which although it is flattering to the ego, is NOT a sound basis for getting sober.

You need to see a minimum of six months sober with a continual programme in place before even considering returning to a relationship. Personally I think a year would be better. I've seen so many drinkers do three, six, ten months sober and then go back to it.

I suspect in this case, as soon as you say you're not remaining in the relationship, the attempt to get sober will be over, which will prove that he wasn't serious about it in the first place.

This is a brilliant post.

Agree with others, he needs to mean it and show you through his committment to sobriety.
By all means keep in touch and let him know you are open to a relationship in the future if he can be sober for x amount of time.
If you genuinely do want to keep in touch and are open to a relationship also look in to support for yourself, lots of recovery groups also have friends and family sessions running and can be a good place for advice or support.

I wasted 17 years on someone the same. They don't change when you're in the relationship because why would they? At this point if you're so hell bent on being with him, tell him to go on his own and get sober, and to show you he can maintain it for a year then you'll talk. If he doesn't do it you have your answer. If he does you have your man.

I'd bet my house it'll be the first outcome but at east you'll have no doubt.

oh love let him go.UNLESS
your profile clearly specified
you were look for a "rescue" or to be a doormat aiming to save another.
You are worth more than broken bottles,lame excuses and carrying the weight of another.
put whatever sorta kindness youre give out-into you. Walk away,move on.

I lost my dp due to alcoholism, it was the worst thing I have ever been through, walk away & don't look back.

Thank you everyone for your responses.

The crippling anxiety that you mention @trythisforsize I completely understand.

Every text message/phone call is overanalysed to try and work out has he had a drink. Every meet up I'd have a knot in my stomach as I didn't know if he would show or if he would show up late and drunk.

A few months ago we had discussed him meeting my family (they live abroad) and I was so anxious about it as all I could think about was his drinking (my family are not big drinkers at all). The meet up did not happen.

I know it sounds awful but I know he's not going to stick to his sobriety and will start drinking again. I feel sad that I know this will happen as I honestly don't think he has the strength to see this through.

His family also enable him (in my opinion). More examples: his sister went and did his weekly shop for him. Her reasoning, so she can make sure he doesn't buy any alcohol. But she knows that he'll find a way (she said so herself but says she feels guilty as she wants him to hsve proper food in the house). There's alot of instances like this within his family.

They are also driving him to the station every day to go to work so he doesn't stop for a drink but all he does is drink on the other end of the journey when he gets off the train (hes admitted this in the past).

Yes, @CheekyHobson , he has also admitted to me in the past thst he has had a drink on the way to meetings.

Slowly I am trying to detach. He asked to meet up and I declined (in the past I would have said yes).

I'll be honest, these last 6 -7 days thst we weren't in touch, although were difficult were also good if that makes sense.

I wasnt worrying about where he was, is he drinking etc. I could breathe without a heavy chest. My sleep improved too!

Your replies are very helpful.

Thank you.

That sense of calm you have felt in this last week - hold on to that thought. That will all go out of the window the minute you become involved with this man again.

Anxiety and stress have huge and life changing health implications.
I am convinced that my ulcerative colitis was brought on by the stress of being with my ex. It developed during the final 2 years we were together. Its an auto immune condition and stress makes it much much worse.

Look after yourself

I am convinced that my ulcerative colitis was brought on by the stress of being with my ex. It developed during the final 2 years we were together. Its an auto immune condition and stress makes it much much worse.

I also had an autoimmune condition when with my abusive ex (not same ex as alcoholic ex). Chronic emotional stress is the number one trigger of autoimmune conditions.

I left my ex and have been in drug-free remission for years since. Honestly no relationship is worth sacrificing your health for.

Please, please don’t go back. It will only get worse, and far worse than the heartache you feel breaking it off.

Tell him it's brilliant that he wants to get better and is seeking help. Tell him you're really rooting for him, but you think it's best if he focuses on that right now and you think it's not the right time for the two of you to be in a relationship. If he stays sober for the next six months then you'll consider it. Spoiler: this is unlikely.

You have the wrong understanding of addiction. Do you really think this is about you and his love for you, your relationship?

Its not. It’s about him, his experiences and his ability to work through a very strong addiction.

He isnt the only nice man out there. If you give yourself the chance, you’ll meet another.

Get out now. You are also enabling him by giving him excuses/benefit of the doubt etc, just as much as his family are. He's sucked you in to his addiction spiral and knows all he has to do is buy time with a promise.

open.spotify.com/show/5Ll5qedyuRNPy4Ou6oSeo9

Saving you is killing me - is a good podcast to listen to from the start. This who are talking of autoimmune issues aren't making it up. Partners and close families of alcoholics can end up mentally, emotionally and physically damaged by being with the addict.

Lots of women also have to deal with risky behaviours around sex and unfaithfulness too. Sexting other people, constant unreliability, weird work "incidents" that are hidden from you, constant failures at just "being there"

What I know from years of this with a parent, then with a partner is that staying with an alcoholic will kill you in a thousand little ways.

You, unlike those married to and financially dependent on a man like this who have children with him that he's ignoring or traumatising, can get out of this now.

You can walk away. You can block his number. You can live again.

If you stay with him, it's a living death. He won't get sober... it's very rare they will do that unless they hit their rock bottom, and trust me, the rock bottom will be something so extreme you will probably get PTSD on the way down to the bottom with them.

I'm sorry to put it so harshly but if my daughter was with an alcoholic I would do everything in my power to get her away from him. It's not love, it's abuse, it's not a relationship, it's the slow torture of the part of you that wants safety and security. The anxiety that you have now will be triple fold as the illness progresses.

He will start passing out anywhere and everywhere.

He will piss himself, piss in the bed, get up in the night and start pissing in the corner of your bedroom.

He will start to smell like acidic plastic as his insides rot

He will start to develop brain damage from drinking and you'll wonder if he has alcoholic dementia and how you will cope then, especially once he gets violent.

You'll be alone amongst your peers - because once you tell them of what's really going on and they warn you away and you refuse to listen, you won't be able to speak about it again to them. You'll be alone.

Every bit of pride you have will diminish once you are washing his piss, shit and vomit out of your clothes, off your sofa.

He will sabotage every nice occasion - Christmas, birthdays, work dos, every nice thing you do will be marred by some extreme appalling behaviour that will humiliate you and embarrass you in front of others.

You in a party dress with a panicked look and him humiliating you in public.

He will be unreliable around money - he will be spending hundreds on his booze every month and there won't be the money for bills.

Every thing you are doing to help him right now is probably enabling him. Unless you go to Alanon or some other support for partners, you'll keep doing this until it gets worse. The criticism you have for his family, is also you finding excuses for his behaviour, it's you as much as them. So save your judgement for yourself and do what they can't do.

Leave.

al-anonuk.org.uk/

You need help and support asap - there are in person and on line meetings and support. Don't try and manage this without advice and support, you can't handle it on your own.

www.alcoholanddrugsaction.org.uk/services/family-friends-advice

Whatever you do, please ignore the advice to tell either him or yourself that if he's clean in six or twelve months' time you'll consider getting back together with him.

This relationship is set in certain patterns and has followed a certain course. You can't start it again from scratch without the danger of falling back into those patterns. Also, why would you want to do that to yourself? Even if he is sober after a year, do you want to live the rest of your life wondering how long it's going to last? This relationship has already damaged you. Don't put your life on hold for the next year feeling that you owe him something for getting sober. You owe him nothing.

You say his family are codependent and enable him. Unfortunately, it's very clear you have been in the same position with him over the past 18 months. It's just easier to see when other people are doing it.

And finally, why shouldn't you be free to meet someone else during the next year? Why should you feel bound to him and base your life choices on whether or not he chooses to get sober. That's the very definition of codependency.

You need to wish him well and walk away. Maybe he will get sober, and maybe he will be a better version of himself for a future partner. But it won't be you, and it shouldn't be you. Perhaps get some counselling to enable you to see why you have stuck in this relationship for so long and why you are still holding out hope for continuing it if he ever gets better.

Don't get drawn back in, he can feel his cushy meal ticket slipping away and will say anything to keep that from happening.

My sister lived with a man just like this, it took her many years to be free of him, just like yours he pleaded for more chances and promised to change. It almost destroyed her in the end, he's still barely surviving and has latched onto a new victim. Nothing has changed.

Also... the way you become regarded when you are in a relationship with an alcoholic is with contempt. He has contempt for you and your helpful little gestures, your concern, your kindness, your worry, your emotions, your fears, your needs, contempt for them all as you are know the thing that's in the way of what he wants, the alcohol. The sneer, the eye rolling, his behaviours distort and traumatise you, and then he blames you for not being a perfect pillow mummy for his soft landing.

It's dehumanising and you end up in dark places alone, which will take you years to heal from. Years of your life being taken up by this man. There's no reward for your devotion. This isn't going to be a happy ending of "my love freed him from his demons."

Alcoholics have no business being in relationships with innocent people. He was never a good choice for you if you value peace, safety and security. He's incapable of providing what you think he can potentially provide. It's all a front. You could be anyone. Your qualities, your beauty, your personality, the things that make you special and a unique soul... none of this is recognised by the alcoholic partner. It's all deliberately ignored and devalued in order for him to abuse you more by lying about the drinking. Every thing that makes you special will be denigrated and laughed at eventually as you lose yourself in his mental maze of illogical behaviours. Your loyalty is misplaced.

The auto immune conditions are real. I have one myself from years with my alcoholic ex. He was a nice man at the start too.

Better than future-you thinking 'F* me, I broke myself helping to fix him, and now he's off with someone else.' And that's if he even does manage to get on top of his alcoholism, a long and difficult road for both of you.

You say it's a heart vs head thing, but don't forget that your brain is also awash with 'early relationship' chemicals - oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin - which definitely skew your judgement! Those strong feelings of connection, euphoria, obsession etc are there to protect the survival of the species. So at this point even your brain is not necessarily acting in your long-term interests.

You are doing entirely the right thing to walk away @Morry15. Don't be swayed by his remorse, gifts, self-loathing, hopes and promises. Remember that normal-you has no time for people who think things can be patched up with sorry and a pressie. She's a wise friend, listen to her above anybody else!

felt like I was giving up on him.

This is a 5 month involvement with someone who misrepresented themselves/baited and switched.

I'm sure all of us have jars of fuck knows what in our fridge that are way older than 5 months.

That's a period that could still be reasonably defined in weeks.

With no offence meant, you'd be better investigating why you felt you had to support/rescue/stick by this individual.

He has no business to be dating and getting into relationships in his position - extremely selfish, irresponsible, unfair, dishonest etc.

What he's doing actually just further confirms that's he's not going to sort himself out. Because if he truly was, he would be saying to himself "I need to take time out from dating and relationships until I have stayed sober and recovered for a significant period of time".

He is responsible for working on himself, as you are with working on yourself. It's clear you don't back yourself and have low self-esteem to have put up with this so long. There is something wrong with the situation where after 5 months a BF says he has a problem with alcohol and you stick by him rather than running for the hills.
Don't be a fixer, fixing isn't a form of caring although to some it feels like it at the time. Its satisfying a personal urge to fix, and usually fails. You are also saying that his family enable him while not seeing that you have been doing exactly that for the last 18 months too, by letting him get away with missed dates, forgiving him 15 times over!
You are being unfair on his family, they have paid for rehab and got him to do do AA. They have done you a favour by not kicking him out presently, as if they did, he'd probably land at your door, and the way you are, you'd probably relent, give him a place to stay, further enabling him.
The best message you can give him to sort his life out is to keep him out of your life. If losing you doesn't inspire him, you know for sure that alcohol is a bigger attraction for him than you are, so you are on a hiding to nothing.
He is a long way off taking it seriously if drinking on the way to AA and straight after rehab, probably years off.
Next time you OLD ( I think you should take a long time out of dating first) put 'unhealthy relationship with alcohol' on your list of men's traits to to avoid, along with, being stood up on dates.
It looks like you might need therapy to find out why you have such poor boundaries.

Thank you all for your responses. They are very helpful and I keep reading them over and over again.

I know part of this are my own issues as I have this codependency streak that I think he plays on so says all the right things to pull me back in. I am working on this.

As mentioned my family live abroad and I am visiting them over the holidays amd will be away for about 3 weeks. I may extend this to give me space.

I haven't seen this man on a week and I asked myself today, do you miss him? The answer is not really. As seeing him also comes with a side dish of the unknown, anxiety and panic.

Giving him a timeline of get back to me in 12 months etc is something I'm reluctant to do as I don't want to be in limbo waiting for him to sober up if this even happens.

He asked me not to give up on him, that he'll do better, that I'm the kindest person he's ever met. He knows exactly what to say to pull at my heart strings but again this is more about me than him.

At 18 months into a relationship, you should be having the time of your life. It’s still the honeymoon period. How sad that you’re missing the potential of a lovely partner who treats you well to waste your time with a man who prioritises alcohol over your happiness.

When you go away for 3 weeks, do you think you could go no contact with him? It might help you to have that time apart to realise that you’re better off without him.