Alcoholic DP...is it over?

[Morry15]

Been with alcoholic DP for 18 months. Met OLD. Told me 5 months into dating he had some 'issues' with alcohol

Had no idea how bad it was.

Fast forward, AA meetings, therapy, in-house rehab. He's been drinking the whole time.

Last Thursday was the last straw. Met up, was drunk (he denied it initially, then admitted to it). Had argument. Haven't spoken since.

Had tried to leave in the past but felt like I was giving up on him.

I know it's the right thing for us not to be together but I'm still sad.

Just need a handhold I guess.

You can't make him better. You can't live your life waiting for him to maybe recover. The road is long and hard and is his alone. If you join him on that journey you'll be a shadow of yourself.

If he makes or breaks without you it's all down to him.

It sounds like if you stay with him you will either 1.be with an alcoholic and put up with bullshit and lies and apologies. Repeat until he eventually kills himself with alcohol. Or 2. (best case) Have to baby your 50 yo partner every day in order for him to remain sober while still waiting anxiously for him to stumble back to no 1. constantly. Neither is a good life for you and there is no other option besides cutting him out and putting yourself first.

THIS.

All I keep wondering is 'why are you communicating with me like we are fine and in a 'normal relationship". We're so not. Can't he see it? Maybe it's his way of making me hang on.

This is just classic denial and avoidance. He’s not ready to confront the full reality of his situation even if he is taking some small steps. So he just acts like nothing is all that wrong as he can’t bear to face reality. It may be a coping mechanism to help him stick with the steps he’s currently taking. Just keep doing what you’re doing, keeping at arm’s length without feeling the need to “set him right”.

I've been there. You can't help. Please just try to keep your distance, sometimes you need that space to keep your grip on reality.

Maybe it's his way of making me hang on.

Definitely.

I'd almost consider it a form of coercion.

It's like "I'm ending the relationship"...'I won't let you". "I'll keep acting like we're in a relationship and maybe you'll go along with it".

"This is just classic denial and avoidance. He’s not ready to confront the full reality of his situation even if he is taking some small steps. So he just acts like nothing is all that wrong as he can’t bear to face reality. It may be a coping mechanism to help him stick with the steps he’s currently taking."

I think @Morry15 you need to look with courage at your past, at your self, your needs that has chosen to stay with someone of 50 years of age for 18 months - who has told you he is an alcoholic, who has been in residential rehab, who drinks going to AA, who's environment is of heavy drinkers, who's family are open and running around trying to save him etc

This is far advanced alcoholism. He has been one since he was a teenager. He will be one all his life. The last 10 years - is likely when the wheels started falling off. Its a progressive disease this will continue - his MH and physical health will detriorate and will not fully recover even if he stopped for good today.

I have redrafted the quote above:

"This is just classic denial and avoidance. @Morry15 is not ready to confront the full reality of her situation even if she is taking some small steps. So she just acts like nothing is all that wrong as she can’t bear to face reality. It may be a coping mechanism to help her stick with the steps she’s currently taking."

What was your childhood like to make you believe this is even a relationship?

Where is your dignity? Who let you down and showed you that you were of so little value that you could be abandoned and disappointed constantly.

Well dont for where you ahve got to today.

Can you block and delete his number so that you are not preoccupied with his antics? If you cant do this for yourself - even do it for him - most programs will tell the addict not to be in a relaioship with another until they master the addiction / relationship with drink and build a relationship with themselves.

Thats what you need to do. Why can you not open up to your parents - are you ashamed? Will they not support or validate you?

Have a look at all the RESOURCES on this website: https://coda.org/newcomers/what-is-codependence/

Read this book if you can: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

@headhonchoponcho

Childhood was great

Relationships:

1. Early twenties. Mad for him. About to get engaged. Found out he was seeing prostitutes. Devastated doesn't even begin to explain how bad it was. Together 3 years

1. Early thirties. Engaged. Tried for a baby. Had some hurdles (unexplained infertility, he and I both had tests and they came back ok, doctors said it can happen like that where it's just unexplained infertility). He left as I wasn't able to make him a father. By left, I mean got another lady pregnant. He'd been seeing her for the 2 years of our relationship. We were together 12 years. This all happened over COVID so was very isolated (family live abroad).

Had completely given up on dating and then met this guy.....

Please note I had years between these relationships so I don't jump from one relationship to the other. I'm early 50s and have literally had 3 long term partners.

I only have my mum. She lives abroad so I don't want to worry her with my stuff. I know what she'd say and I know she'd be right.

That's like thinking "What if I won the Euromillions roll-over?"

The only difference is you have more chance of winning the roll-over.

I've just read through your messages and I'm so pleased that you are distancing yourself from him.

I've been there. I've experienced the lies, the deception, the fact that drink always comes first, the excuses, the promises that are always broken, the gifts when he's feeling guilty (I hated those gifts - they represented him letting me down, and they told me he thought I could be bought with 'stuff', so he could continue treating me badly), the fact I knew our relationship wasn't as important as his next drink, the not knowing what mood I'd come home to, if he'd do something emmarrasing in public, never being able to rely on him.

My ex DH became alcoholic many years into our relationship, and after children came along. After MANY years of doing my best to help, once I could see how damging his addiction was for our children, and me, I struggled to get away from him, with all that entailed, but never regretted it for a second.

Be grateful that you don't have ties to him and extracting yourself is straghtforward in practical terms - presumably no children or mortgage, or family links (sorry if I've read wrong). Put yourself first. If you are with an alcoholic person, the drink will always come first. They will promise to do better next time. They will blame you for not believing them that this time it's different. You will never know if they mean it, if they will even try to give up, if they will success, if they will go back to drinking just when you thought things were getting better.

I'm not saying that it's impossible for an alcoholic person to give up the drink. And it's great if people around them are strong and resilient enough to support them through it. But that is very different to knowingly entering a relationship with someone who has lied and deceived and put alcohol first, and doesn't appear to be making any attempts to stop.

In the end, it ground me down. I was a shadow of my former self. I lived on my nerves. I couldn't trust my husband. I lost all respect for him. My children saw their father turn into an unreliable, drink-focussed person.

Don't let this man drag you down with him and his addiction.

I think @WandsOut has it right - your loyalty to him is misplaced. He doesn’t deserve your kindness.

OP, he needs you much more than you need him. He's gaslighting /you pretending everything is fine in the hope that you will disregard the evidence of your own eyes and ears and believe what he wants you to believe. If he can pull this off, if he can get you to trust him unconditionally and do whatever he wants then he's got you completely in his power and he can exploit you as he chooses.

There are different ways of having a drink problem. My husband has one he would not sell his granny for a drink if there is a problem he would put the drink to one side to sort said problem, always worked, however he is an alcoholic he is killing himself with alcohol already been very ill it is a matter of time. Some are physically dependent others mentally both are addicted

This is a tragic story.

You have been deeply and grossly betrayed in these two long term relationships at foundational periods of your life which would then have left you with trauma enough to shatter any sense of self leaving you emotionally vulnerable with understandably depleted self esteem, fuzzy boundaries and a low bar.

I have a very close friend who suffered what you did in your 20s but she was in her 50s - the digust nearly killed her - it was viseral.

Alongside that you had someone else who betrayed you in the most gu wrenching way as you struggled through infertility and the deep grieving involved in coming to terms with not becoming a mother.

I think these wo deeply traumatic relationships have caused you deep and lasting pain and left you with enough emotional damage to tolerate this current appalling situationship. I wont call it a relationship because it isnt - alcoholics have only one preoccupation and thats with their mistress drink - everyone else in their life is just an instrument to facilitate this relationship.

I think you need to go NC and then get professional help to help you unpick and process these relationships so that carrying the unnecessary internalised weight of them is not throwing your emotional judgement off. I hope you can keep yourself busy and surround yourself with frinds and family who bring you joy and comfort.

I'm sorry to resurrect this post and I know I'll get lots of 'I told you so's' but please be kind.

I didn't see ExDP for about 3 months. He contacted me in Late Feb and apologised for previous behaviour, said he was sober and had been sober for about 10 weeks, had moved apartments for a fresh start etc.

Asked to go out (as friends) and I agreed. Evening was ok and we subsequently started talking more and more and going out a few more times.

Well, last week he called me one evening (not a problem) and he sounded 'off'. My spider senses peaked and I asked him if he'd had a drunk. 'Of course not, I'm just tired'.

Hmmm...OK. Some very odd messages later in the week and then a call from one of his family members asking if I'd heard from him as they had not and they were worried about him. I told family member about my suspicious of drinking. She asks me to go with her to his flat (I did). The door was unlocked, we found the place a mess, wine bottles (empty and full) hidden and he was asleep. We woke him and he was of course surprised to see us, said it was a blip, he'll stop etc.

This past week, he hasn't had any contact with me (but family member said he's been contacting her periodically).

I'm mad. I'm annoyed at myself for caring, msd at him. The whole situation sucks. He's promised his family member he's stopped drinking again but noone believes him.

I understand, noone has a crystal ball but this is not going to end well us it? He's never going to stop and I should go back to no contact like I did for those 3 months.

Thank you for reading.

He needs professional help. Neither you nor his family can do this for him, you can’t take this on yourself. Like you said - caring is something it can be difficult to turn off, but you have to protect yourself.

@Morry15 another one with an alcoholic, abusive ex partner here. We had children together though but split when they were a few months old.

My learnings really are that the person themselves have to want to stop. I was a pretty amazing partner and the kids were so wonderful yet my ex couldn't stop. Even when we left and he lived in a bedsit, still didn't stop. Family estranged yet didnt stop. It was only a few years later that he started to look into it all on his own and stopped. I'd say he's about 4 years sober now, new partner, good relationship with his children. There are other flaws but not like the drink. We are all happy for him.

My point is you can't change things. You have to let him do it himself. And that means getting out and starting a new path for yourself. I think you being around enables him to rely on you, yet really I think it's about him doing it alone.

No it won’t end well. You can’t save him and after 10 weeks sober he wasn’t ready to date. Leave this one.

Something particularly bad happened in his life and for a moment he realised just how much his drinking had cost him. So he did what he's known for a long time that he should do and stopped drinking. His life started to improve, he felt better and more capable of coping with things, alcohol can't be that bad can it?, and he thought "I could have a drink. I know I can control it. This time it'll be better." Three weeks later he's deep in his addiction again, kicking himself for restarting and wondering if it will ever get better.

Something particularly bad happened in your life and for a moment you realised just how much his drinking had cost you. So you did what you've known for a long time you needed to do and ended the relationship. Your life started to improve, you felt better and more capable of controlling things, he can't really be that bad can he?, and you thought "I could just see him casually. I know I can control how deep I'll let myself get. This time it'll be better..."

I'm not saying this to make you feel bad. I've been where you are. I know just how all-consuming this kind of relationship can be. It becomes just as destructive and addictive to us as the alcohol is to them.

What have you learned from the past three months? You know that he's great at making promises he's unwilling/unable to keep. You know that he can stop drinking for a short time when he really wants to but can't maintain that. You know that he will directly lie to you about his drinking. You've learned that if you do restart a relationship with him, you can't keep him at arm's length.

Those are all things that have cost you a lot to learn. It would be a shame to ignore lessons that expensive.

My friend was with a man like this and it did her no good at all. He lied to her, let her down, affected her mental health and made her life a misery. Eventually she walked away and she now has her life back on track. Please walk away OP, send him and his family a message to say you are done with it all and tell them not to contact you. You sound lovely and deserve so much better.

Morry

re your comment
"I understand, noone has a crystal ball but this is not going to end well us it? He's never going to stop and I should go back to no contact like I did for those 3 months".

No it will not end will. And no he is not going to stop unless he decides to do so and he has to do that without anyone or anybody around him. His family cannot and you cannot either. And yes you should go back to no contact like you did for those three months.

Nothing has changed in these three months and his relation is still stuck on enabling him like you have been doing. Enabling does not help because it just gives you a false sense of control.

I would readily assume he has lied and has indeed continued to drink whilst you have been apart. She as well as your good self need to get off this merry go around permanently. I would certainly read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie if you have not already done this.

I would print out the words that Howard J Moon has posted and read this whenever you wobble re him and his family.

I've just ordered the book online. Thank you.

Perhaps you need to stop a habit of a lifetime and stand firm.
You’ve slowly allowed him to wear you down.
Time to end this once and for all and go no contact and stop him and his family drawing you back in. No means no.

A friend had a DP like this, continually put up with his drinking, poor and abusive behaviour and constant broken promises. Ended up in misery and domestic violence, nothing we said made any difference until it reached the point it was completely unsustainable.

Don't invite chaos in to your life, you'll only regret it. People need to save themselves, it's not your job or responsibility.

I promise you, it won't change.

It’s literally nothing to do with your relationship- it’s his relationship with alcohol. Like everyone else I am saying leave him to sort it; it is not your issue and you can’t sort it. He has to do this himself . I say this as someone who ignored red flags and thought I could save him. I could not .