Alcoholic DP...is it over?

[Morry15]

Been with alcoholic DP for 18 months. Met OLD. Told me 5 months into dating he had some 'issues' with alcohol

Had no idea how bad it was.

Fast forward, AA meetings, therapy, in-house rehab. He's been drinking the whole time.

Last Thursday was the last straw. Met up, was drunk (he denied it initially, then admitted to it). Had argument. Haven't spoken since.

Had tried to leave in the past but felt like I was giving up on him.

I know it's the right thing for us not to be together but I'm still sad.

Just need a handhold I guess.

OP can you open up to your family about what you've been dealing with? You sound fragile and emotionally vulnerable.

Giving him a timeline of get back to me in 12 months etc is something I'm reluctant to do as I don't want to be in limbo waiting for him to sober up if this even happens.

No, of course you wouldn’t do that. If you really felt he was special, you might say, “Focus on your recovery and let’s see where we are both at in 12 months.”

Then you go and live your life as a single person. Maybe you’ll meet someone, maybe not. Maybe he will maybe not. Maybe he’ll stay sober, maybe not. You can leave a door open without necessarily putting your life on hold.

Not really as I know what they will say. I know what I need to do. I really do. It's just taking me a moment but I'll get there.

As mentioned, this last week with no contact was liberating. As a previous poster said, I need to hang on to that feeling.

I will be no contact with him as I have a different number when I'm away (he doesn't have this number) so I can just detach.

I'm hoping to come back as @Morry15 version 2.0.

Well if he does then well done him.

I can’t see it though.

Dont feel you are giving up on him. He gave up on himself.

I only suggested the tell him if he's sober in a year you'll talk because I know he'll be 3 sheets to the wind in a fortnight and you didn't seem able to fully let go yet and still holding the delusion he'll change. If you are able to run fast and far, make the break and don't look back!

Your last two paras -
Giving him a timeline of get back to me in 12 months etc is something I'm reluctant to do
Thank god for that @Morry15! I'm sure that the peopIe who suggested a 6- or 12-month break were just trying to propose a solution that would appeal to you - anything to help you break away from him. But it's not a good idea. You know he's not going to transform in that time, or in any timeframe. Like living with any serious condition, it's a one-day-at-a-time deal. Setting a deadline for curing it is a fundamental misunderstanding of the situation. All it will do is keep you attached - great for him, terrible for you - and prolong the misery.

He asked me not to give up on him, that he'll do better, that I'm the kindest person he's ever met. He knows exactly what to say to pull at my heart strings but again this is more about me than him.

Interesting. So he's offering himself to you as a project, a wounded fox or bird or something, that a special, kind, different person like you couldn't possibly 'give up on'.

Oldest line in the book, but it works on the right victim - ie someone who values other people more highly than herself, especially in romantic relationships. So don't be a victim. Next time he comes out with this kind of guff, politely decline.

Now, in your shoes I'd love to say something like: 'Hmm... actually I'm not that kind. It's hard enough looking after myself, to be honest. But best of luck finding that special someone who wants to take you on.' sympathetic smile

But in real life we rarely get to make mic-dropping pronouncements. So my advice would be to keep your distance, start detaching, lose interest. Just because he might turn a bit psycho and/or desperate if you drop him suddenly, but there's not much he can do in the face of genuine disinterest. xx

Addicts tend to be very talented at manipulating others, my guess is that he feels a strong need to have a team of enablers, he will try to get you to compete with each other to help him.
As things get worse and worse his enablers will burnout and turn their backs. You don't want to be the last enabler because if you turn your back you will know there is no one left to help him and that without you to support him he will drink himself to death. You will be crippled with guilt and unable to do it. In other words he will take you down with him.

Alcohol will always be his first love and his first priority.

Please walk away now and don’t look back. Take it from someone who knows first hand. You can’t fix them, they need to do that themselves. You are just setting yourself up for a life of misery. Find someone who doesn’t have these issues, as it’s not your job to fix him or even stand by him while he half heartedly tries. Block and delete him and don’t give him a chance to play on your emotions. He sounds like a master manipulator and he will never stand on his own two feet and recover while everyone is constantly giving him ‘chances.’

I am starting to lose interest. Its slow but I am.

A few months ago, I would have jumped at the chance to see him but I don't have that urgency any more.

I'm keeping busy with work and friends and trying to get out of the routine of having him in my life.

Everyone is right about me also being an enabler. I'm working on that (I see a therapist every week for my codependency and people pleasing tendencies).

I need to share this as I'm mortified when I think of it. A while back I had booked a very expensive meal out, bought new outfit, got my hair done. We were going to meet at restaurant. I waited and waited, the host kept asking me if I wanted to order, I kept asking her to wait a bit longer. Texts and calls unanswered. I waited 45 mins (other diners were staring as I suspect they had worked out, I had been stood up).

He calls and says he fell asleep cause he was tired (at this point I was not completely aware of the alcohol issues) but in reality he fell asleep cause he was drunk.

I should have walked then.

The problem with any addict is that their relationship is with their addiction. There is no room for anything else.

He might get sober and be a fabulous partner to someone else. He might not.

But this is about you. If you stay this is what it will be like

When he says that he will do better he probably believes it but what he isn't acknowledging is the alcohol is his number one priority. It's the thing he turns to when he's stressed, the thing that he will reward himself with after a period of sobriety.
You've not said how old he is but bear in mind he probably has lifetime of heavy drinking under his belt with all the health consequences which that brings ☹️

He's 50. Apparently his issues started 10 years ago. I don't believe that.

All his friends and family are serious drinkers. It's constant and there is alot of it.

He gets told off by his family around the dinner table about his drinking while they're pouring a glass of wine for themselves at the same time.

I've noticed his balance is off lately. Trips alot. I'm sure this will only get worse.

I've noticed his balance is off lately. Trips alot. I'm sure this will only get worse
@Morry15
My alcoholic ex has about 15 years on this man, his drinking career started in his late teens, he started to have problems with his mobility in his late 50s I think it's called alcoholic neuropathy.
You probably shouldn't be surprised that he lies most of the time, it's just instinctive self-preservation I would say, in order to keep hold of enablers and helpers he needs to present the best image of himself that he can.
I feel very sad about the state that my ex is in, but he brought it all on himself and I can only be relieved that he didn't take me and the children down with him.

All his friends and family are serious drinkers. It's constant and there is alot of it
@Morry15
This makes me think that they 'need' him to be the alcoholic so that they can reassure themselves that they're not as bad as he is. It might be all or part unconscious but what I'm saying is I suspect that they have a vested interest in enabling him, in him not getting better?

@Morry15 please talk to your family and let them support you. You would want your daughter to do this if she was in a toxic relationship wouldn't you?

Let them help you feel strong enough to not need homes

Need him that should have said!

My late DH was an alcoholic. "Late" because it killed him in the end, but not before he almost completely destroyed me both emotionally and financially. I didn't understand alcoholism before I was in the midst of it. I thought it was a sort of choice due to weakness and that if I cried or screamed or appealed to his better nature enough, he would see sense. I know now that my real DH didn't exist anymore. He was effectively a zombie, consumed by the effects of, and the endless need for, alcohol. He was more or less an empty shell incapable of love or logic. The only thing that mattered was where the next bottle was coming from. If there had been a house fire, he would have saved a bottle of wine instead of me without a second thought. OP, don't walk - run from this man.

He asked me not to give up on him, that he'll do better, that I'm the kindest person he's ever met

Bleeeuuuugh.

Am update: think I just need to vent.

DP (ex-DP) contacted me to let me know he'd seen a mental health doctor/medical professional who has stated he is not depressed (everyone claims he is depressed) but just has high levels of anxiety.

On medication now. He is being chaperoned everywhere (not by me) and is given a few pounds every day by his family (similar to pocket money) and his bank cards have been taken away from him. He's a middle aged man. Reminds me of a teenager.

Is it natural that every day that passes, I'm losing respect for him and not seeing him as a grown up? I know this is a good thing as it enables me to detach.

Hope everyone stayed safe from the storms.

You are getting the ick, and I am glad.

He has to be babied, so he isn't taking any responsibility himself. That is not an attractive partner

He makes a mockery of the services trying to help him, drinking on the way to meetings.

He opts for drinking over you, your happiness and your relationship every time.

If you want to engage, tell him he needs to sober up and be clean for 12 months before you will even consider being in his life again. And you don't want any sob stories in the meantime.

Then leave him to it. No threats or begging him to change. No ultimatums. It's all his choice from here on.

I think it's inevitable. I felt so conflicted watching my partner deteriorate. On one hand it does help you to think 'I've made the right decision to end things, this was never going to end well', but on the other hand, I grieved for the hugely respected, talented and kind person he used to be.
I grieved for him long before he actually died.
Alcohol dependency is ruthless. It makes everyone around the person feel guilty for not being able to change it.

Thank you for your responses.

The thing is, he messages me like we are fine. Things like, 'next Xmas will be better, can't wait to see you again, bought your Xmas present this week'

All I keep wondering is 'why are you communicating with me like we are fine and in a 'normal relationship". We're so not. Can't he see it? Maybe it's his way of making me hang on.

He text me about his day etc, asked me how I was amd to tell me about his doctors appr. I've had alot going on lately with work, my health and Xmas preparations. Usually I would have shared these stories with him.

I did respond (I know!) saying I was fine and it's all the same (which it hasn't been). I don't even want to share anything with him. I'm still sad but have some indifference creeping in.

It sounds like a big part of you has been wanting to leave for a while, and that part has found its voice at last!

I think the indifference is your self protection kicking in. You're slowly beginning to emotionally detach and this will help you make rational choices and stick to your decisions in the weeks and months ahead.