Alcoholic DP...is it over?

[Morry15]

Been with alcoholic DP for 18 months. Met OLD. Told me 5 months into dating he had some 'issues' with alcohol

Had no idea how bad it was.

Fast forward, AA meetings, therapy, in-house rehab. He's been drinking the whole time.

Last Thursday was the last straw. Met up, was drunk (he denied it initially, then admitted to it). Had argument. Haven't spoken since.

Had tried to leave in the past but felt like I was giving up on him.

I know it's the right thing for us not to be together but I'm still sad.

Just need a handhold I guess.

I am sorry OP. You don't need me or anyone else on MN to tell you what you need to do - you already know. You aren't responsible for this man, no matter how much you may think of him. He's deep into addiction and even with outside help, he's not engaging properly. You can't 'fix' him. The only person who can help him, is himself. Unfortunately, he's yet to hit rock bottom, is in denial over his addiction and sadly it may take time for the bottom to hit. It won't get any better, regardless of how many promises he makes etc, it will continue to get worse. He's incapable of having a relationship, because the only thing he's interested in is alcohol. I would send him a message telling him that you 'didn't sign up for a relationship with an alcoholic, that you no longer wish to see him or have any contact with him'. You then need to block him on every platform. Yes it's hard, but staying in this relationship will grind you down, and honestly life is too short to waste it on him.

Get rid

Hello Everyone

Just needed to put this down in words. Haven't been in touch with ex DP for weeks. No issue there. I'm staying strong and feeling good.

Earlier in the week I bumped into someone who is an acquaintance of one of ex DPs close friends. This person told me that DPs drinking escalated towards to the point he was hospitalised and lost the use of his legs and arms for a few weeks. Skin was peeling off like paper. Survived all of that, detoxed and came out of hospital with a new attitude, no drinking, the hospital part had scared the crap out of him.

However, in the last weeks, no surprise he's started drinking again.

I know he is not my problem any more but hearing this stirred up all these emotions. Empathy, anger, disbelief and relief that I don't have to life this life.

Thank you for reading.

That must have been really difficult to hear OP. You’re not in a relationship but that’s not something you would wish on anyone.

The waste of life through alcoholism is so sad. I look at my exH now, despite being sober for 3 years the drinking has clearly permanently impacted him physically and mentally. Well done for ending the relationship. You’re allowed to have lots of different feelings about this

@Morry15 🙏💗
I have an ex like this, I think he is near the end, he is fubar.
As much as I dislike him and can never forgive him all the various things I am very troubled by it.

Alcoholics have relationships with bottles, not people. Sorry, but I wouldn´t have touched him with a bargepole, that´s why he didn´t tell you earlier. So don´t doubt yourself. Move on.

Try to lean into the relief. You can grieve for him when the inevitable happens, but keep reminding yourself that there was nothing you could have done.

So despite all that they have been thrpugh, they still chose to drink. There really is no helping some people. Next time you see an acquaintance just avoid or say- i dont want to know. You are a good person, dont let the thought of their own choice despair bring you down

It's true that there is no helping some people, some people become beyond help.
I'm not trying to defend them but I don't think it's a case of choosing to drink, they are too far gone and unable to control their impulses.

I agree with this.

Hello everyone

Just another update as I need to vent. Received a call from ex-DP (I had blocked him but again he used another number). I'm flat hunting at the moment so am receiving many calls from agents so thought it was an agent.

Well, as always he asked for another chance,apologised, the usual crap. Well I went nuclear...every second word out of my mouth was f. I told him to f off, leave me alone. I told him he was manipulative, a liar, toxic and basically someone I choose not to have in my life. There were a few more choice words. I'm sure you can imagine.

For those that know me, it's unusual for me to swear at people but I did today. Alot.

Feels odd. I'm surprised at my reaction.

Thanks for reading.

I am sorry but not surpised he is hounding you. I hope he gets the message. It is becomes a criminal stalking offense if someone contacts you two more times after you have asked them not to. The police will take this very seriously as there is so much more undertsood about the risk these behaviours predict at the end of a relationship. You should not have to endure this harassment and you dont have to.

Well done. It’s good to be angry when he breaks your boundaries

You left because he was f*ed up and you knew that wasn’t going to change, that there was no good future. But you still cared - you’d invested a good chunk of your time in him and you’re a decent person. But it’s actually quite a good thing that this has now turned to anger rather than regret, care, disappointment. He is beyond hope, and not your problem - so it’s right for you to feel this rage that he won’t let go. Good luck with the flat hunting 😁

You've found your anger OP, it's good that you've moved on from thinking you could or should try to fix him.

I'd suggest your next step might be to try to have a detached compassion for him, forgive him for what he's done while maintaining your distance. Addiction is very powerful and very difficult to overcome, it is not something you can help him fix and it can make people behave in ways they never would if they weren't addicted. If he calls again consider telling him that he needs to focus only on his sobriety and he needs to allow you to move on while he does it.

Stay strong OP.

Good for you OP! This is much better to read about than your earlier posts when he contacted you and you were far too nice to him. I hope he got the message loud and clear and never contacts you again.

Op he’ll probably never get over you because alcoholics are stuck in a mental loop that traps them in the past. You are mentally moving on now you’ve got off the rollercoaster. This is good that you’ve got to this point. You’re leaving him in the dirt and all you need to do now is keep walking. A new wonderful life awaits 😊

Hello everyone

I'm sorry to post again but sometimes I just can't believe how stuff works out.

I have a lovely neighbour who has decided to put her profile on an OLD site. No issue there. She asked me to view her profile/pictures to see if it looked ok. It did.

So she's looking through the single men profiles and guess who shows up. Ex-DP. She calls me over (I'm just next door) and we read his profile. He comes across as a catch to be fair. His pictures are all ones where he looks sober and quite nice. The summary sounds good. I'd swipe on him if he was a stranger.

I'm upset. I don't know why. If I could I wanted to scream....you forgot the alcohol problem to your profile.

Last week he was begging for forgiveness, asking for a second chance blah blah blah..he must have noticed my neighbour was viewing him on the app so quickly came off it as his picture and profile disappeared.

Again, I don't know why I'm upset. My ego maybe. Fuck...

Of course you are upset.
From an OLD point of view, he’s a disgrace. He knows he has real problems and wants an ego boost and he will quite easily reel others in to get it, no matter how much harm he does.
As for what he said to you recently, try not to let it get to you. Alcoholics don’t speak a lot of sense at the best of times, they will love you one day, not the next, they live in chaos.
Just thank God your neighbour hasn’t been subjected to him.
It will take a bit of time but it will pass.

Thank you Peggy. Well my neighbour knows him.(via me) and vice versa so that's why we think he removed himself from the app as soon as he realised she was viewing him as he knows she will tell me.

All I kept thinking is how can you be looking to meet new people/date when you haven't even been sober for a few months.

I'm numb.

And all I'm thinking is that what if he has cleaned up his act and I was the trigger to his drinking. That's the irrational side of my brain taking over.

Please, please don’t do that.
No alcoholic cleans themself up for another person.
If he does manage to do it, it will have to come from him.
The fact he is back online means he’s probably not sober. He may not be actively drinking but it’s chaotic behaviour.

Yes, it is. I'm glad you see it. Sit with that side of your brain and quietly tell it you aren't listening, then get on with the rest of your life.

Your ex has no choice but to hold up the delusion that he's fine. It's what will allow him to keep on drinking. Admitting that he is an addict on the other hand will land him in a whole mess of mental turmoil.

The fact that his addiction is likely to kill him, and soon, is neither here nor there. Alcoholics are not rational people.

Thank you pointy. I just can't believe it. If you were to read his profile he seems so 'together'

Why/how could he even entertain inviting an innocent person into his chaos. The way he invited me (as I mentioned on my very first post), he told me 4 months in he had a small issue with alcohol.

I knew he was selfish but this is next level.