Alcoholic DP...is it over?

[Morry15]

Been with alcoholic DP for 18 months. Met OLD. Told me 5 months into dating he had some 'issues' with alcohol

Had no idea how bad it was.

Fast forward, AA meetings, therapy, in-house rehab. He's been drinking the whole time.

Last Thursday was the last straw. Met up, was drunk (he denied it initially, then admitted to it). Had argument. Haven't spoken since.

Had tried to leave in the past but felt like I was giving up on him.

I know it's the right thing for us not to be together but I'm still sad.

Just need a handhold I guess.

You would be absolutely and totally insane to continue this relationship. You're thinking of sticking with it because he said he 'knows what he needs to do' and he 'sounded sober'?! You already know he's told his family what they wanted to hear, with absolutely no intention of following through. He will tell you any old bullshit so that he can both keep you and carry on drinking. Don't listen to the emotional blackmail. Cut contact.

This is exactly it. I feel like I'm not worthy to make him change and to stop him drinking 'for me' but I know this is more about my codependancy than it is him.

you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it. Al anon recognises why we feel we need to help and reminds us that it is up to them. Try and think about it yourself - if you drank early in the morning for example - would you blame someone else or would you take responsibility? People who have a problem with alcohol very often don’t take responsibility for things which are entirely within their control. People like us who are co dependent take too much responsibility!!! It isn’t up to us! You have to let him sort himself out. It is not working for you. There is another saying in Al Anon about detaching with love. You still care about your alcoholic but you care about yourself too and this isn’t good for you.

Stop using words like “worthy” to make him change. Honestly stop and give yourself a shake—when has worthiness ever moved a grain of sand—let alone a 50 year old drunk?

When you start running that emotional, sentimental, script in you head (“oh if I mattered! Oh if I was worthier! Oh if I did more for him!) and do a few things (these are all grounding techniques)

If you are sitting get up and take a few steps back.

If you are standing take a few steps back.

Stretch your arms above your head and turn your head from side to side.

Take four deep breaths in and out.

You will have awakened your cautious self—you will have physically recentered yourself and made him a more distant part of the landscape. Now you will be able to bring your rational mind online from where all this sentiment and “worthy” talk has been leaving you in the weeds.

Give your sentimental self a good talking to. Who made this piss drunk fool worthy of you? He’s not. This is who he is. Who he might be in the future is none of your business. Its like looking at a mountain of muck and feeling sure that it is really hidden gold. Chances are its not. If you spend your life and energy excavating it you will waste your precious life and just rnd up covered in dirt.

There may or may not be a good man in your future—you don’t control that—but you can control being sucked in by a bad one. So control your foolish impulse to throw good love at this drunken wanker. Its pearls before swine.

You need to get that ‘not worthy’ shit out of your head, right now. I remember a family argument with my ex wife when our son said ‘do you have any idea what it’s like growing up with a mother you can’t talk to after 6 o’clock?’
it made no difference. It doesn’t mean he wasn’t worthy.
Some people can’t change. Won’t be helped.
Decent caring people will try, but need to get away when they see that the only change will be them being sucked down into the abyss.

Even if he 100% 'decided' to stop, it's not that simple. Recovery from alcohol use means learning to navigate everything in life without the crutch that you're used to. It's a skill that has to be practiced, not a decision to be made. Even if he's fully devoted to you, he's not yet got the skills to live without alcohol and the likelihood is he won't for a long time yet.

There's a reason recovery groups suggest people stay out of relationships for the first twelve months sober. Relapses are a normal and predictable part of recovery from addiction. It isn't a comment on how much he cares but it is a reason for you to cut contact with him. He can't provide what you need.

Please stop.

You ll ruin your life propping this unwell man up. You don't have the skills to help him. You will get nothing back, in the end he ll abuse you, blame you, get aggressive and withdraw. Please love yourself enough, to protect yourself from him.

OP you did so well to go no contact for 3 months. Well done! It's a pity he contacted you and you let him back in, but at least he let you down very early on, before you had started to think of it as a proper relationship. It will be easier to go NC this time.

OP, you managed the no contact for all that time. He has manipulated and lied to you once again.

YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM. I know you feel like you might be able to, but you cannot. I know you are worried someone else will scoop up a better version of him, but they won't.

Walk away from this now. If you do not, you will just get suckered in deeper and deeper.

Go read on the alcoholic support boards and just see what your life could be some years down the line if you do not walk away from this situation now.

You have done it once, you can do it again. And block him this time.

I think you may need to seek out some professional support to get things clear in your head, because your boundaries are shot. The only person responsible for his recovery is him. Your responsibility is for your own safety and wellbeing. Please walk away from this man. You can't help him, and you are only causing yourself pain.

Why are you taking his choices to return to drinking personally?

He has drank for years before you were in his life and will continue to do as he pleases.

Someone with an alcoholic mindset is totally preoccupied with obsessing about the next trink, being compulsive, impulsive and regretful on a loop. You are not even in his orbit / peripheral vision / thoughts.

The Melanie Beatie book is great for working out why you are preoccupied with someone who in reality you are not even emotionally connected to - because he is not capable of emotional intimacy in addiction.

People in the throws of alcohol addiction can't stop for anyone. Not their children, their parents, their partners, their friends, themselves, no-one.

Please don't burden yourself with thinking you aren't good enough for him to stop. You are good enough, you are better than good enough.
He can't stop, he just can't.

Take care of yourself please ❤

There was a very sad thread a while back from a woman whose H was an alcoholic who’d been in recovery for years but lapsed just before Christmas and last she shared it sounded like he was end of life, 300 miles from their home. Devastating for her and their son. He had apparently made a deliberate choice to put alcohol back in the centre of his world and that was more important to him than anything else.

@Morry15 , as pp have said you cannot do this for him. He has to want to do it for himself and even then, there are no guarantees. He would have to be completely on guard all the time. I hope you can do the work for yourself that can help you to put yourself first and value yourself. Where you are right now is so painful and I wish you healing.

He may stop. If he wants to. It doesn’t sound like he wants to tbh. But even if he does he could drink again at any time. I hadn’t really appreciated before becoming involved with an alcoholic (not romantically) that staying off booze is a lifelong, daily, decision not to drink, that could go wring at any time.

The only way you can be closely involved with an alcoholic (even as a friend - and you are being dragged into his drinking) is to be utterly detached from the drinking. To not make it about you (alcoholics would step over their own children to get to a bottle when they are actively drinking) - it is nothing to do with you. Supporting an alcoholic is hard - even ‘just’ as a friend. There is a very fine line between enabling and supporting - and you need people around you who understand addiction to help navigate through it.

You wanted this man to be your partner. He isn’t capable of being anyone’s partner. His primary relationship is with alcohol. I would advise you - strongly - to move on & not get involved - even in friendship. If you decide you want to be around as a friend get 1:1 therapy for yourself from someone who understands addiction. Otherwise you will be driven mad by the lying, gaslighting and the saying what you want to hear manipulation whenever he is drinking.

So sorry you got sucked back in and absolutely agree you need to detach now and work on changing your thinking about this. This is a man who drinks on the way to AA meetings. You have no special powers to cure him, no one has. He can’t get better for you or anyone else except himself, you have no agency in that
and he’s nowhere near ready to do it himself. You know what you need to do and that’s proving hard enough. Let him go for good this time and let him deal with his alcoholism. It would destroy any relationship so if you can, be thankful you’re getting out relatively early and go and find a healthier, happier future with someone able to truly value you.

Thank you everyone for your responses. They have helped so much and I am reading them over and over again.

I blocked him yesterday afternoon. I know he tried to contact me last night as I had a missed call on my land line (yes I still have a land line phone as well). I suspect he would have tried my mobile first and when he couldnt get through, tried the landline. I didn't answer. Even seeing the missed call on the handset gave me a little bit of anxiety.

I mentioned in one of my earlier posts that I am not originally from the UK. I am going abroad next week to visit my family over the Easter break. I'll be gone for a month (this trip was organised months ago but couldn't come at a better time). He has no way of contacting me when I'm away as I have a different phone number.

Am I running away...maybe (although as I mentioned, this trip was organised a while back).

The book recommended by a PP (Codependent No More) is due to arrive today so I'll start reading it.

Wishing everyone a nice day.

Have a good break away. Secure your home before you go. Gentle hugs to you.

As @HowardTJMoon says. It sounds like he has done juuuuust enough to appear to be putting his life back together. Juuust enough to tempt you back. As soon as he has you back in his life he relaxed and went back to the drinking. That is if he has stopped at all and it wasn't a fake recovery.

It's very very dangerous of him to be acting like his sobriety is dependent on your/any relationship. Even if you get into an successful relationship with him in recovery, what happens if you have a rough patch, an argument. You would feel trapped knowing that leaving could trigger another binge. And this would be the BEST case scenario. He would never need to drink again for you to feel this way in a relationship with him.

You've done so well already by blocking him, you should keep it that way. Let him help himself. Tbh I would stop contact with his relatives aswell. He isn't your family or responsibility, there's no reason for them to be updating you on his condition.

Running away Is exactly what you need to do. His first priority will be alcohol and that's it. You didn't cause his addiction and you can't change it or him. It's time to put on your own oxygen mask here and step away

well done on blocking and getting away. You will realise life is a lot simpler without an alcoholic in it. I remember running away to my parents when my XP was drinking. I was amazed at how nice they were to each other; also that they could leave opened bottles of wine around with out hiding them! The whole alcoholism thing makes us all go a bit crazy.

ps you can block him on landline too. I know exactly what you mean about the anxiety; it seeps into the pit of your stomach and makes you feel nervy. You don’t need that in your life!

His relationship is with alcohol not you.
And you are not responsible for him.
this all sounds so exhausting. Thankfully you can move on.

I feel for you Op.

I was you, years ago. Except the drink prpblem started years into our marriage, after marriage, a mortgage and children were all here.

It was a painful few years. Knowing I couldn't trust him. Worried about his health. Worried about his safety. Worried about other people finding out, him losing his job, him drink driving, him being capable of looking after the children. Constantly being lied to, and knowing the drink was more important than anything else.

And the gifts I was bought when he had the odd moment of guilt, or knowing he'd pushed me too far. I hated those presents. Even now, decades on, when my (lovely, dependable, reliable) second husband brings a surprise gift, my first thought is a jump of dread in my stomach.

You are doing the right thing. You didn't cause his problem, and you can't fix it. It's all on him. I really hope he sorts himself out, but that isn't your responsibility, nor do you have the power to sort it out for him. You may even help him by leaving, and no longer enabling any of his behaviour, even unintentially.

Nothing at all wrong with running away! It’s the smart and the only thing to do to save yourself. Try not to frame things as you being weak or failing in some way. You’re doing absolutely the right thing for him as well as yourself. He needs to let you go and not drag you into his vortex. Hope the book helps and you enjoy your trip and come back to a whole new chapter.

You’re not running away - you are sensibly removing yourself from a situation that can only bring you misery.