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Original poster

Do you feel guilty for having an affair?

361 replies

fantalemom · 27/11/2024 00:11

I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell for this one.

Around a year ago I met a man on fab swingers. I was only looking for a bit of fun and we seemed to get on well. He made it clear that he was married which I chose to ignore. It's not the first time he's had an affair. He cheated on his wife when they lived in London, she found out, forgave him and they moved back to my home town. They only live around the corner.

We ended up seeing each other for around 4 months. I liked him, but I wasn't in love with him. It was mostly sexual chemistry and the thrill I think. He became very clingy towards the end, constantly texting, double texting if I didn't reply quick enough. It felt like having a controlling boyfriend and I got the "ick". I realised how pathetic he was. I ended up blocking him with no explanation and haven't spoken to him since. I think about him sometimes and feel guilty. His wife deserves better, that goes without saying. It's not something I would entertain again and I'd be heartbroken if my partner/husband did betrayed me like that.

I can't punish myself forever though, can I? How did you make peace with it?

OP posts:
LS11ER · 27/11/2024 00:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

TipsyJoker · 27/11/2024 00:21

I hope this eats away at you for a very, very long time because you wilfully engaged with a man that you knew was married and you didn’t care. Now, you want sympathy like your guilt somehow makes you a victim. You make me sick.

Lookingatthesunset · 27/11/2024 00:24

I don't know, because I've never done it, and never knowingly would.

He was the one having the affair, but you went along with it when you knew he was married, and you didn't even have the excuse that you were madly in love with him.

I don't think you are going to get absolution here so I don't know what the point was of your post. You are most likely going to get your arse handed to you. You didn't care about his wife one iota until he started giving you the ick.

You are the only one who knows whether you have a conscience.

Original poster
fantalemom · 27/11/2024 00:26

@TipsyJoker I'm sorry if it comes across that way. No, I don't want or expect any sympathy and I don't think I'm a victim at all. It was a shitty thing to do.

OP posts:
Thatcastlethere · 27/11/2024 00:32

I honestly don't blame the women in these affairs because one of my DH friends was a serial cheater. His poor wife just kept cleaning up his messes and forgiving him.. he actually ended up seducing one of my friends who was quite vulnerable. Just telling her a load of shit about how unhappy he was and how she brought him to life...
I thought badly of him then but then he ghosted her... and a year or so later had another affair with another woman whilst on a holiday with my DH.. my DH was astounded because he just brought this random woman back to where they were staying

He's no longer welcome in my home or life.

But the common denominator is these men. They aren't seduced by evil women who want to take them away from their wives.. they are just pieces of shit.
The women are misguided or thoughtless...
But it's the men where the blame lies.. and if we start trying to blame the women or getting them to blame themselves and take responsibility... itsjust another way these men are let off the hook

TipsyJoker · 27/11/2024 00:41

Thatcastlethere · 27/11/2024 00:32

I honestly don't blame the women in these affairs because one of my DH friends was a serial cheater. His poor wife just kept cleaning up his messes and forgiving him.. he actually ended up seducing one of my friends who was quite vulnerable. Just telling her a load of shit about how unhappy he was and how she brought him to life...
I thought badly of him then but then he ghosted her... and a year or so later had another affair with another woman whilst on a holiday with my DH.. my DH was astounded because he just brought this random woman back to where they were staying

He's no longer welcome in my home or life.

But the common denominator is these men. They aren't seduced by evil women who want to take them away from their wives.. they are just pieces of shit.
The women are misguided or thoughtless...
But it's the men where the blame lies.. and if we start trying to blame the women or getting them to blame themselves and take responsibility... itsjust another way these men are let off the hook

This woman was not misguided or thoughtless. She states quite clearly that she knew he had a wife and she was just looking for some fun. These women also need to accept responsibility instead of making excuses for their shitty behaviour. If the woman doesn’t know their married that’s different. But if they do, they are every bit as responsible. Maybe not to the wife like the husband is, but they are still consciously sleeping with a married man that that is absolutely rotten and inexcusable.

Of course the men are scum and we shouldn’t let them away with it but the women who know they’re married are too.

Forestspark · 27/11/2024 00:41

I don't understand this, you say his wife deserved better but you only think that after you got the ick/it fizzled out. You didn't think that when you were getting something from the situation.

I don't say that in a judgemental way, it's
an observation and honestly, just don't think about it anymore

OriginalUsername2 · 27/11/2024 00:43

I can't punish myself forever though, can I?

You could do a year or so.

5475878237NC · 27/11/2024 00:45

Forever? I think you should feel shit for longer than a couple of months.

Original poster
fantalemom · 27/11/2024 00:48

@5475878237NC this was a year ago, not a couple of months but yes I do feel shit.

OP posts:
Gabitule · 27/11/2024 00:49

OP is not the one to blame for the affair. She was single and free to sleep with whoever; it was the man who was married and broke the marriage vows he had made to his wife. It makes me sad when I see women blaming other women for these kind of affairs when it’s the married men who should take responsibility. Why do we let them get away with so much and expect so little from them? A single woman sleeping with married men probably has little self-respect or confidence that she deserves more, but that’s as far as her blame goes.

Lookingatthesunset · 27/11/2024 01:06

Thatcastlethere · 27/11/2024 00:32

I honestly don't blame the women in these affairs because one of my DH friends was a serial cheater. His poor wife just kept cleaning up his messes and forgiving him.. he actually ended up seducing one of my friends who was quite vulnerable. Just telling her a load of shit about how unhappy he was and how she brought him to life...
I thought badly of him then but then he ghosted her... and a year or so later had another affair with another woman whilst on a holiday with my DH.. my DH was astounded because he just brought this random woman back to where they were staying

He's no longer welcome in my home or life.

But the common denominator is these men. They aren't seduced by evil women who want to take them away from their wives.. they are just pieces of shit.
The women are misguided or thoughtless...
But it's the men where the blame lies.. and if we start trying to blame the women or getting them to blame themselves and take responsibility... itsjust another way these men are let off the hook

Clearly the male affair partner shoulders the lion's share of the blame. He's the one cheating, he's the one breaking his marriage vows, and he deserves to have his balls shredded for the way he is treating his wife.

However, any woman who knowingly has an affair with a married man, while technically not cheating on anyone, doesn't come out of it looking like a good person either. The man carries most of the blame, absolutely, but the woman isn't some innocent either.

Ph3 · 27/11/2024 01:11

fantalemom · 27/11/2024 00:11

I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell for this one.

Around a year ago I met a man on fab swingers. I was only looking for a bit of fun and we seemed to get on well. He made it clear that he was married which I chose to ignore. It's not the first time he's had an affair. He cheated on his wife when they lived in London, she found out, forgave him and they moved back to my home town. They only live around the corner.

We ended up seeing each other for around 4 months. I liked him, but I wasn't in love with him. It was mostly sexual chemistry and the thrill I think. He became very clingy towards the end, constantly texting, double texting if I didn't reply quick enough. It felt like having a controlling boyfriend and I got the "ick". I realised how pathetic he was. I ended up blocking him with no explanation and haven't spoken to him since. I think about him sometimes and feel guilty. His wife deserves better, that goes without saying. It's not something I would entertain again and I'd be heartbroken if my partner/husband did betrayed me like that.

I can't punish myself forever though, can I? How did you make peace with it?

What horrible thing to do to another human being - of course he’s no prize either.
I don’t know if you can punish yourself forever or not - that’s up to you but I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself for a very long time.

Maybe consider why on earth would you be ok to to hurt someone like that. And maybe consider telling his wife - if that was me I would want to know.

Ph3 · 27/11/2024 01:13

Gabitule · 27/11/2024 00:49

OP is not the one to blame for the affair. She was single and free to sleep with whoever; it was the man who was married and broke the marriage vows he had made to his wife. It makes me sad when I see women blaming other women for these kind of affairs when it’s the married men who should take responsibility. Why do we let them get away with so much and expect so little from them? A single woman sleeping with married men probably has little self-respect or confidence that she deserves more, but that’s as far as her blame goes.

I disagree - whilst the husband broke the vows she also was in the wrong because she knew she would be causing pain - or do we now live in a society where we just don’t care about the hurt we cause. They are both to blame.

bingobanjo · 27/11/2024 01:22

This won’t be popular, but I think he’s the only one who did wrong. You’re not married. You didn’t make any kind of promise to his wife. How he chooses to conduct himself in his relationship is his business - you can live your life how you please until you make a commitment to someone, and then it’s on you and you alone to uphold that.

I think a lot of people’s attitude towards cheating is really extreme. Of course it’s not nice, it caused a lot of damage in my family growing up, but I don’t believe it should make you a lifelong pariah. People and relationships are complex.

ChessorBuckaroo · 27/11/2024 01:30

Gabitule · 27/11/2024 00:49

OP is not the one to blame for the affair. She was single and free to sleep with whoever; it was the man who was married and broke the marriage vows he had made to his wife. It makes me sad when I see women blaming other women for these kind of affairs when it’s the married men who should take responsibility. Why do we let them get away with so much and expect so little from them? A single woman sleeping with married men probably has little self-respect or confidence that she deserves more, but that’s as far as her blame goes.

She wasn't blameless though was she? Yes the man is the one who broke the vows and ultimately he is solely responsible for the affair in regard to his wife, but women who knowingly partake in having sex with married men, and who do so for the thrill of sneaking around in having someone else's man, they have no self respect nor have they any respect for others.

stormee · 27/11/2024 01:34

bingobanjo · 27/11/2024 01:22

This won’t be popular, but I think he’s the only one who did wrong. You’re not married. You didn’t make any kind of promise to his wife. How he chooses to conduct himself in his relationship is his business - you can live your life how you please until you make a commitment to someone, and then it’s on you and you alone to uphold that.

I think a lot of people’s attitude towards cheating is really extreme. Of course it’s not nice, it caused a lot of damage in my family growing up, but I don’t believe it should make you a lifelong pariah. People and relationships are complex.

I agree! Adults can make their own choices.

Can't agree that men are powerless when faced with temptation. They make a commitment then that's their responsibility. You can't get married and keep your partner away from anyone to make sure they're faithful

novocaine4thesoul · 27/11/2024 01:37

You are asking the wrong audience here. Most of us pearl clutchers are not on "fab swingers" 😂
You cannot "undo it", you realise it was wrong because you knew (and some don't) so just don't do it again. Ever. Then try and put it out of your mind. We all take risks sometimes, and many of us make mistakes. Not that many would admit it. It's mainly on him. And, it is up to him to tell his wife, not you, unless you want to add home-wrecker to your repertoire.

HateLongCovid · 27/11/2024 01:58

Are you married ? You say you wouldn't want your husband to do that to you. Is that just a hypothetical husband?

boobleblingo · 27/11/2024 02:07

No, I don’t regret it. It was a lot of fun - the responsibility to his family was his, not mine. Of course it was incredibly selfish of me, and I've grown up since and wouldn't do it again, but I feel no shame.

CheekyHobson · 27/11/2024 02:38

I realised how pathetic he was.

Perhaps your healing could come from reflecting deeply on why you didn’t think this straight away about a man who was upfront that he was cheating on his wife and had done so before.

What values had you internalized that you were willing to get involved with such a man in the first place and where did they come from? What changed about your values and why? Do you think you would be similarly willing in future to disregard the fact of engaging in an underhanded relationship if the other participant was sexy and flattering enough? Why or why not?

You won’t feel better about yourself until you fully understand the vulnerabilities or personal characteristics that led you to make choices that you now regret. You have to be able to fully own your decisions.

spicedonion · 27/11/2024 02:52

You made a mistake, you are human. You live and learn.
It doesn't feel good to you now, you realise you're worth more than this.
Put it down to experience and move on. There is no point ruminating about it or beating yourself up about it. You won't be the first or last to sleep with a married man. Don't make a habit of it.

3luckystars · 27/11/2024 03:27

I don’t think this will go down well but I don’t think you should feel guilty at all, it’s a waste of time. He was the married one. You don’t know his wife and don’t know what goes on in their marriage. Maybe she knows. That’s their business. Forget about it now.
I doubt you will make that mistake again.

MissNoMoneyPenny · 27/11/2024 03:31

As much as the man is married, OP you KNEW he had a wife. That should be enough to make the right choice... NOT to mess with someone's husband. I tolerate a lot but I can't tolerate cheats.

Pickle991 · 27/11/2024 03:59

In fairness the wife knew he was a cheater and stayed. She’s basically demonstrated what she’s prepared to put up with. Doesn’t make it right and it’s not her fault but it was her own poor choice to stay, and I don’t think she can be entirely shocked by it happening again.

He is the married one, so although again it’s probably a poor choice for the OP to get involved, it’s not her fault that he is a cheater. Obviously the man is a piece of crap.

And fab swingers - gross. All I see here are people making stupid decisions. I hope there are no children involved.