Do you feel guilty for having an affair?

[fantalemom]

I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell for this one.

Around a year ago I met a man on fab swingers. I was only looking for a bit of fun and we seemed to get on well. He made it clear that he was married which I chose to ignore. It's not the first time he's had an affair. He cheated on his wife when they lived in London, she found out, forgave him and they moved back to my home town. They only live around the corner.

We ended up seeing each other for around 4 months. I liked him, but I wasn't in love with him. It was mostly sexual chemistry and the thrill I think. He became very clingy towards the end, constantly texting, double texting if I didn't reply quick enough. It felt like having a controlling boyfriend and I got the "ick". I realised how pathetic he was. I ended up blocking him with no explanation and haven't spoken to him since. I think about him sometimes and feel guilty. His wife deserves better, that goes without saying. It's not something I would entertain again and I'd be heartbroken if my partner/husband did betrayed me like that.

I can't punish myself forever though, can I? How did you make peace with it?

I wholeheartedly agree with this.

No, anyone with the right set of crappy and very common characteristics could have ended up in that role.

The only reason one of them did is your partner.

Enabled ...
You can't enable anyone to do something they don't want to to do.
You can't enable anyone to do anything they choose not to do.
You can't enable anyone to do anything they are not open to doing.

He has agency

That's the bottom line.

And no-one said the OW is "innocent".

My point is that their innocence or not is irrelevant.

They wouldn't be anywhere near your setup if not for the decision making of your partner.

Couldn’t agree more. No one is saying this guy is blameless but the post is from the woman who willingly and knowingly had an affair with a married man.

Before anything started you knew he was married and didn’t care. His marriage and state of marriage has no bearing at all on what YOU did.

You we’re totally, utterly and completely wrong.

How would you feel if this happened to you?

What you did was wrong, you should feel guilty and hopefully have learned a lesson about not engag8ng in such horrible, self centred, selfish behaviour again. No sympathy from me I’m afraid.

Respectfully I disagree. The “innocence” is relevant. If you follow your logic where only my partner’s actions matter then if I had a partner that wanted to cheat but they were surrounded by people with morals so they wouldn’t go along with it then he wouldn’t be able to. In this (unlikely) scenario he would still be a terrible person but there were no enablers. In an affair they have both done terrible things- only caring about themselves. they might be both redeemable - but their actions are terrible. If we as individuals take responsibility for OUR actions then we take care not to hurt others regardless of the scenarios. Instead of saying well it’s not partner I bare no responsibility if I hurt them or not. It’s not hard really. And I did enjoy you explaining to me what enabling means in your view - however I think you missed the key point - the word enable in itself shows the partner wants to do the bad deed that is why I used the word enabled and not coerced or forced. Of course the partner has agency - so had the affair partner. They both have

The ow is actually an irrelevance - if it wasn't her it would be some other woman. It's a role, not a person.

Why that particular woman played that role is by the by. That's her life/character/issues and ultimately it doesn't matter. If it wasn't her who played the role, it would have been someone else.

This is so well put, @DamselinDistress24.

Jesus Christ, people do love to over-complicate things.

Not shagging married men is simply behaving with integrity and giving yourself the best chance of success should you want to find a person with whom you can have a long-term relationship.

It is not "making yourself responsible for protecting all other women's marriages" or some melodramatic burden like that.

You can’t make peace. It ended. Move on with your life. It was his betrayal, not yours. 🤷‍♀️

@Ph3, I wrote earlier that I had an affair when I was a student. After I saw his wife looking insecure, I understood what he was doing to her and ended it.

In all honesty, I didn't end it for his wife's sake. I ended it because I saw the kind of man he was. I disliked him for that, so no longer wanted to be intimately involved with him.

It won't surprise anyone that he left his wife for the next student he had an affair with. In my view, this confirms @DamselinDistress24's opinion that OW is a role, not a person. He wanted a younger wife. It doesn't matter that I was one of the students he tried out for this role, he was going to complete his mission regardless.

very well put. Simple and to the point 😀

I'd respectfully submit that a woman on a swingers' site is not looking for a person with whom she can have a long-term relationship.

i understand this and completely agree - I wouldn’t want to be with a cheater either. Who does? And I also believe you didn’t end it for her because if it was about her you wouldn’t have started it. - I often wonder why people engage in them. The point is you shouldn’t have period. Regardless of what he wanted. I hope you recognise this and won’t do it again regardless of the fact that the next one might “complete his mission regardless” or not.

if you had been on the other side - you would fine it simpler for sure. I haven’t cheated on my partner - but I have driven at 80 mph on the motorway (they are not the same thing at all!! And the fact that you compare the too it’s quite remarkable to me - but maybe it’s your ND - who knows?) I find it simple to not cheat on my partner. My marriage isn’t perfect but I don’t find it difficult to keep it in my pants. Which by the way is a blank statement for emotional and physical affairs. This isn’t really about assumptions and sweeping statements it’s about treating other people with respect. By having an affair regardless of who you are in this equation you are not being respectful.

😂😂😂 I knew that's what you'd come back and say.

I’m sorry - I can’t imagine. I hope you have been able to move on.

🤭🤣🤣🤣 ND and psychic. Perfect - maybe next time use that to sense how other people would feel to help curb bad behaviour

Perhaps not, but it’s possible to have casual sex with integrity (ie with other single people or with swingers who are in agreed non-monogamous relationships) however the OP was quite aware that this wasn’t the case for the man she was shagging.

Her subsequent guilt shows that her choice to behave with a lack of integrity ultimately has been a problem for her.

I'd be heartbroken if my partner/husband did betrayed me like that

Out of interest, why?

If you're the sort to enjoy trawling a scummy site in search of a married man to shag, what possible objection would make sense if they did the same?

Seems you only started getting a conscience when it was no longer convenient for you and a bit of fun. So, you live with it. Shouldn't be too difficult

I'd be heartbroken if my partner/husband did betrayed me like that.

This is just hypocrisy. If you can do it to someone, you should be able to take it.

Thanks for the advice, but I am fine with my bad behaviour 😛Nothing to be curbed.

I think you will feel guilty for a while, then put it out of your mind. But the trouble is, when you finally marry (don't think you are currently)? You'll more than likely be forever looking over your shoulder, wondering if someone out there is making a play for your man. Think it's called Karma!

You are very welcome! 🤗 happy to help! So you have already curbed it. Perfect. So not so hard after all 😉

MN is a bit weird about this.
Most people know it's the married person who is doing the cheating.

OP all of us do stupid, selfish and awful things at times. I do hope that you have learned a lesson from this experience and won't do the same thing again, marriage should be respected. As you have found out, an affair doesn't bring happiness to anyone concerned, it's just destructive and now you need to come to terms with it and try to forgive yourself.

To be completely honest, I doubt he'll leave, he's not brave enough.