Do you feel guilty for having an affair?

[fantalemom]

I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell for this one.

Around a year ago I met a man on fab swingers. I was only looking for a bit of fun and we seemed to get on well. He made it clear that he was married which I chose to ignore. It's not the first time he's had an affair. He cheated on his wife when they lived in London, she found out, forgave him and they moved back to my home town. They only live around the corner.

We ended up seeing each other for around 4 months. I liked him, but I wasn't in love with him. It was mostly sexual chemistry and the thrill I think. He became very clingy towards the end, constantly texting, double texting if I didn't reply quick enough. It felt like having a controlling boyfriend and I got the "ick". I realised how pathetic he was. I ended up blocking him with no explanation and haven't spoken to him since. I think about him sometimes and feel guilty. His wife deserves better, that goes without saying. It's not something I would entertain again and I'd be heartbroken if my partner/husband did betrayed me like that.

I can't punish myself forever though, can I? How did you make peace with it?

People who are unfaithful will be unfaithful. This guy was on a hookup site, for heaven's sake. If it wasn't OP it would've been someone else; he's probably on his second or third 'swinger' since this happened.

You can't make the women responsible for these men's marriages. You can try, but really? You want every woman to protect every man's marriage?? Why the hell should we, it's up to the men to protect their own marriages, isn't it?

Sure, you might have views on women seeking uncommitted sex: that's a whole other question and not the one OP asked about.

Disclosures: I had one affair, when I was a student and a bit stupid. Knocked it on the head when I saw his wife looking insecure, and suddenly understood what he was doing to her. I have had a couple of one-night stands with men I knew were married. I have no problems with uncommitted sex.

@fantalemom - not your marriage, not your circus. Feel a bit sorry for his wife and move along 🙂

So because the guy was on a hook up site anyway and would have cheated with someone else if not for her that makes it okay?

And yes it's up to the men to protect their marriages but its also up to you to have a moral compass and stay away from ones you know are married

It's not like there's a lack of single men who are up for noncommittal sex,is it?

And to add,it's not uncommited sex, it's uncommited sex with men who are married

Labelling it 'uncommited' doesn't let you off the hook

How do you make peace with it?

Contact the wife, tell her you had an affair with her husband and that you felt you had the obligation to come clean

Accept being labelled a homewrecker

And don't make the same mistake again

I can't see the logic in this. He would have cheated with someone else if not for her, so what specific harm has OP done to his marriage?

Moral compass is a different question - in a case like this, it's irrelevant except in so far as her moral feelings might be upsetting to her. Her actions have had no impact on the man's wife, because he would've gone with someone else anyway.

@TipsyJoker

This woman was not misguided or thoughtless. She states quite clearly that she knew he had a wife and she was just looking for some fun. These women also need to accept responsibility instead of making excuses for their shitty behaviour. If the woman doesn’t know their married that’s different. But if they do, they are every bit as responsible. Maybe not to the wife like the husband is, but they are still consciously sleeping with a married man that that is absolutely rotten and inexcusable.

Of course the men are scum and we shouldn’t let them away with it but the women who know they’re married are too.

Edited
THIS
every word.
Well thoughts out and eloquent post.
If course thee men are scum but even the 'women can do not wrong ' people, can accept that women having affairs need to take some responsibility.
There are plenty of such single men out there.
In my experience these women seem to lack self esteem/ self respect and it's a bit sad

Because she's messing around with someone elses man. Anyone with a moral conscience stays away

Of course it would have an impact on the man's wife, the OP has contributed to her being cheated on for a second time

Your attitude lacks empathy 'he would've gone with someone else anyway'

@OneRubyHare How do you make peace with it?
Contact the wife, tell her you had an affair with her husband and that you felt you had the obligation to come clean
Accept being labelled a homewrecker.

Don’t do this op.
Get on with your life.
You have to forgive yourself.

What I don’t understand is this apparent notion that ONLY one of the affair partners is and can be to blame.

All the women on these threads defending other women and saying it’s the men’s responsibility to their wives so they’re the ones ppl should direct anger at and blame for the affair happening - it’s complete and utter bollocks.

The man owes loyalty to the wife, the OW doesn’t, but that does not mean (if she’s aware he’s married) she is blameless - how else could he be having an affair? That’s a bizarre way to think.

A guy works at a business and devises a way to defraud it or rob from it with a friend. He owes loyalty to his employers but that doesn’t make the ‘friend’ any less culpable for their actions.

If you believe marriage is a legal contract, the OW is enabling the spouse to break his vows by entering into a relationship while he is still married, with her full consent and cooperation. She is ‘aiding and abetting’ if you want to go down that road. Its very odd to say - well we can only a portion blame on to one or the other so he is having the lot.

Whatever happened to free will and female autonomy? She wasn’t powerless to stop it happening so why should she not feel guilty for shitting on another woman’s marriage/family?

I think it’s fine to say you did something unkind to another woman, but you didn’t have the affair. I would just let it go.

I agree that some people blame the OW a bit too much when the blame should be on the person having the affair. However I do think the OW does deserve serious bad karma, we need to have each others back.

Such a breathtaking lack of insight to have posted expecting other womens' sympathy. You made your bed, quite literally, now lie in it.

@Sceptical123
Quite right.

@Sceptical123 The difference is the scenario you describe is a crime.

these threads pop up all the time. In reality sleeping with a married man is an unwise decision for the OW for a multitude of reasons but I don’t think she owes the wife any loyalty and she certainly shouldn’t be expected to show any more respect for that marriage than the husband does. Maybe she should but I don’t think it should be expected. The OW takes her cue from the husband.

it is also an unwise decision to knowingly stay with a cheater which the wife has done. So whilst she isn’t ’at fault’ for his actions, she does have to take accountability for the potential consequences of that decision. Goes for all parties really, an important factor being the amount of knowledge each person had going into the situation.

I was an OW once, a long time ago. It was a sugar baby / mutually beneficial thing. I was in dire straits and made a poor choice. However the husband had cheated many times before so whilst I did not feel great about it, in my mind, there was really nothing true about their marriage anyway, and the damage had been done way before I came along. It was selfish and I wouldn’t do it again (Never have) but the wife found out eventually, he confessed to all of the affairs and she still stayed. He will no doubt do it again and I hardly think she can be surprised. Fool me once etc…

The married man should take the blame here. The OP hasn't covered herself in glory though, what goes around comes around.

You learn from it, and that now you do realise it doesn't make you feel good, you can choose not to get in this situation again but the blame lies more with that man, you didn't chase him, he chose to put himself on fab swingers and if it wasn't you, then it would of been someone else, his wife chose to forgive a cheating man the first time, the signs will be there he's was doing it again, at some point enough will be enough for her, you can't carry the burden of everyone's mistakes on your shoulders.

100% agree. Hes an absolutely despicable POS that goes without saying but I hate the attitude on here that women who knowingly fuck married men are blameless little flowers who have done nothing wrong.

Anyone male or female who willingly has sex with someone else’s parter is scum and deserves everything that comes their way.

I hate the attitude on here that women who knowingly fuck married men are blameless little flowers who have done nothing wrong

I very rarely see that view.

I do see the view that the ow is not worth concentrating on - because she's not the adulterer and if it wasn't her, it would be someone else.

I think the reason for people's views along those things is that - so often - focusing on the ow facilitates not seeing the cheating man for what he is.
It facilitates ongoing delusion about the man, and men in general.

There is nothing a cheating man loves more than his partner having beef with his ow ... because that almost entirely takes the fucus and heat off him, his character, his priorities, his decisions, his (lack of) integrity, his (lack of) loyalty, his free will, his selfishness etc etc. They sit back in silent satisfaction, relief and gratification that his actions & responsibility will be so obscured, and he will be so unlikely to truly pay the proce for them .... As his partner focuses on the ow

I think people posting about ow in this manner are trying their best to stop this - very common -process.

Ow who knowingly gave relationships with married men are far from blameless in my book, bug focusing on them.is fairly irrelevant.

Noone can walk in a door you've haven't unlocked and opened. It's the nannwjos done that.
And quite often the man is actually the seducer and initiator. He has a script that works. That's what women should be focusing on.

I don’t see the need to be nasty to the OP. Wishing her to feel worse than she is just sounds bitter. I’m not sure whether you have been a victim of an unfaithful partner - or have somehow had first hand experience of this is another way - but the OP is not responsible for that. I couldn’t be with someone who was attached but if my partner were to cheat the blame lies firmly with him, it’s not down to a stranger. He was the one attached - he cheated. Blame him!

I agree with @bingobanjo and others.

You were on a site that is pretty clear what people are looking for. The fact he was on there too outside what's acceptable in his marriage is not on you.

I think it becomes a bit murky when you know about the wife and that she's not party to his extra marital behaviour and you didn't call time on it straight away might be a reason to feel a bit crap but don't overthink it.

Your comment says more about you than the OP

No point in just beating yourself up, just don’t do it again. Cheating is a real mess. Stay away.

I don't think she should beat herself up forever etc but I think you have gone too far the other way. Of course she has to accept a degree of responsibility.
Knowingly entertaining yourself with a married person doesn't make you blameless just because you aren't the one who made vows.

If someone stole stuff and you knowingly bought the goods off them you aren't innocent because they were the ones who stole the goods. If someone commits fraud or insider trading and you knowingly take advantage of the situation to feather your own nest you aren't innocent because you weren't the one who committed the fraud.
Knowing the situation makes you in sine minor way culpable

Is there a difference in views of OW that shags your DH no strings versus OW that 'steals' them and enters into a serious relationship, stating that it's "love"??!!
Or do you view them both the same?

Either way I think the man is where most of the blame should be pointed.

Forgive herself for what?

She had no guilty feelings up until the guy started getting serious, until then it was all fun thrills and games

God of course the woman has done something wrong! Bloody MN - women are angels and it's always the menz. Yes, he has had an affair which in my territory puts him lower than the low, but to sleep with someone you know is married is a fucking horrible thing to do. You are doing an action that will cause someone pain.

All this horrible attitude where we have stopped CARING for other people and only think about what we want. Yes, you didn't break a marriage vow (I'm assuming you aren't married here..) but morally speaking it's still a properly shit thing to do.