Do you feel guilty for having an affair?

[fantalemom]

I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell for this one.

Around a year ago I met a man on fab swingers. I was only looking for a bit of fun and we seemed to get on well. He made it clear that he was married which I chose to ignore. It's not the first time he's had an affair. He cheated on his wife when they lived in London, she found out, forgave him and they moved back to my home town. They only live around the corner.

We ended up seeing each other for around 4 months. I liked him, but I wasn't in love with him. It was mostly sexual chemistry and the thrill I think. He became very clingy towards the end, constantly texting, double texting if I didn't reply quick enough. It felt like having a controlling boyfriend and I got the "ick". I realised how pathetic he was. I ended up blocking him with no explanation and haven't spoken to him since. I think about him sometimes and feel guilty. His wife deserves better, that goes without saying. It's not something I would entertain again and I'd be heartbroken if my partner/husband did betrayed me like that.

I can't punish myself forever though, can I? How did you make peace with it?

I also don’t blame the woman when a man cheats. Unless the woman is close to the wife. As if it wasn’t her. It would be someone else. The who is irrelevant. I fully blame the man. If you need to have other women say no to keep them faithful then it’s already over. The woman isn’t responsible for the man cheating, if she was, then you’re in the mindset all women have to say no to keep your man faithful. When it’s your man has to not be trying to have sex with others.

for the women I see them as a bit sad and desperate, looking for the attention, the thrill. And going on fab swingers offering married men sex is not something I think many single women would wish to admit to. It’s just very sordid.

but I’d not blame the woman when a married man cheats, or vice Versa.

fantalemom

I havent read any of the comments, didnt want to get affected by them b4 replying with my own. Not judging you either.
I didnt have an affair as such ,well some might say it was, I got too friendly with a male colleague many yrs ago now. Mostly talking/trexting/lunch at lunch time together as we worked together etc There was kissing at the end. I told my husband straight away what I had done. It was the ONLY way forward imo. The ONLY way. A friend begged me practically not too tell him. I still did. Best decision I made out of a very difficult time. It was difficult between us for some time ,not gonna lie, now over a decade later, we are good. Most importantly I learnt from my error VERY much so.

I dont think its 'your ' responsibility to tell his wife btw, unless u know her? Do you?

for the women I see them as a bit sad and desperate, looking for the attention, the thrill.

That's a bit of a sweeping judgement and couldn't be further from the truth for most women who have affairs.

If you KNOW a man is married, then you've made a shit choice . The woman who made herself available to my husband while I was at home with a high needs disabled toddler KNEW all of that but was happy to be complicit in the deceit, wank with him over the iPad while he was in our bed and allow him to visit her at home while lying through her teeth about their "friendship", is to blame equally for the affair. Sorry it makes you feel sad but that is how it is.

Sorry I meant in this context, but yes, I think that’s what it is for most women who get with married men,sad, desperate, looking for that attention and the thrill.

so yes. I stand by it.

I guess that's your opinion and that's fair enough. It's rarely the case though. For one, a lot of women who have affairs are married themselves. Women generally don't have affairs for the 'thrill' either.

The 'sad' and 'desperate' trope is wheeled out often to try and make scorned women feel better about themselves and to make the OW look pathetic, but I guess whatever makes it easer to get by!

In my experience OW are often vulnerable. In some way ....which I suppose is somewhat different from sad and desperate, but overlaps.

I've also noticed on here a lot of ex affair partners say they were prerry young when they be and an OW and the man was older. So there is naivety and a lack of empathy (and life experience from which to develop empathy) involved in those scenarios.

(They're not old enough to listen to his cheater script and think "yeah riiiiiight, mate", unlike older women. They've also not developed the empathy people tend to develop as they become more mature adults, and they lack empathy from not having experienced a serious long-term partnership and having kids.
I find a lot of men try to cheat with young women for those reasons. I encountered ut as soon as I joined the workforce.

That contingent is obviously only one section of OW though.

I don't think you deserve to fully make peace with a decision that you know your part in, could destroy someone's else's life. It matters not a jot that she forgave his previous indiscretions (and in fact this info should have told you this was not a nice man. At all) because you willingly enabled it a second time.

You can of course learn to live with the guilt which will jar less and less as time goes on but actually it's right you should always feel a bit bad.

I don't think judging women gets the man off the hook ... the affair can only happen if there's a willing participant.

At best it makes you a pretty awful person to be that woman.

Wish I were surprised by the number of posts talking about "taking another woman's man" and "stealing", etc. As if a husband is property, a thing owned by his wife.

Even a husband who advertises for no-strings sex!

How did his ad get there; why did he turn up for the meetings? By this logic, the ad would have to be placed by Other Women, who would then have to kidnap (steal) him. That's obviously ludicrous, but still we have people here blaming women for husband theft.

As to all women taking responsibility for all other women's marriages? That's just another way of saying men are their wives' property, with no free will or agency of their own. If you feel an adult human is much like an unlocked car - someone might steal it, but they shouldn't - carry on, but at least admit your lack of respect for your husbands.

This particular guy was more like an unlocked car with a full tank, the key in the ignition, and a neon sign saying "Free to drive!" But OP's still to blame for hopping in and going for a spin? Come on.

It’s nothing to be proud of at all, but it’s done. Turn the guilt into something positive by really evaluating why you did it, what you wanted to achieve, and what did you really get out of it at the end of the day. And then never doing it again.

Also I wouldn’t place yourself too firmly in the centre of the mess. If it wasn’t you it would’ve been the next woman to show this man some attention. His clingy addiction was for the drug the affair creates, not for you in particular. It could have been any woman knowingly willing to have an affair with a married man.

100% - I really don’t buy the argument that holding the woman accountable for her actions is diluting his responsibility or letting him off.

Ive not seen a single person who doesn’t think a cheating partner is responsible but that doesn’t absolve the willing affair partner of their personal accountability.

I hope one day OP you meet the man of your dreams.

And then I hope he meets some woman on Fab Swingers who doesn't care he's married and fucks him all over the place.

Then maybe you'll know how his wife feels.
The man might have been the one who made the vows and is 100% to blame, but women who know that man is married and have no respect for someone else's relationship are as deplorable as the man. Both don't deserve to know peace for the pain they cause.

I don’t think she held you solely responsible but you are responsible for sure. You caused pain to another human being. It’s terrible and I hope it never happens to you. If you have no feelings of guilt I suggest you look inwards and ask yourself why? Do you only feel bad if you know the person you hurt? How callous

I also think people underestimate how difficult it is for women past their 20s to meet genuinely single men who appear well.adjusted. The pool is small. Then you see mang many people who overlap/monkey branch between partners and you can understand how an OW might think "he's ready to jump ship, he wants out, this is common anyway, lots of people don't leave until they meet a new partner" and the MM feeds them every classic line about unhappiness, how he felt obligated to settle with his wife, dead bedroom, staying for the kids, his plan to leave soon etc ..and he's hog himself another woman. Of course he'll make her feel like they're soulmates too.

I think people don't realise that many OW think they're getting a partner out of it ...that it's not ideal that their partnership started as an affair, but they probably look to all the examples of LTRs that started as affairs or by overlapping; of which there are many (!)

That's not the case on this thread obviously, but most OW get fed the script and think their relationship is going to be one of the ones that starts less than ideally but is a goer.

Hi op

I've been sleeping and seeing a married man for a while (almost 2 years) and whilst I've felt guilty he has cheated his way throughout his 20 ish year marriage and from what he says she is aware and turns a blind eye.

I justified it by thinking if it wasn't me he would have chosen someone else.
Best sex I've ever had. I ended it lots of times because I felt so guilty and bad for his wife but he reeled me back in and we met and had sex repeatedly.

Anyway, I fell in love with him. Big time.
The wife has recently seen messages between us and turns out he was sleeping with another woman! He promised he was only seeing me. I feel.so dirty. Goodness knows how his poor wife feels.

She's kicked him out. He's turned very cold towards me and I've cut all contact. He's blocked. I've changed my work pattern so I won't have to see him for a while (work together). Whole thing is a mess and I feel stupid.

Oh she really did. It was all my fault, I completely lured him, he had no free will. 100% of the blame was placed on me. And that's okay, I can take it. I think it was easier for her to think that, that think bad of her husband.

Honestly @Ph3 and I am not making excuses, I think I am probably a bit neurodiverse. Not blaming that for my affair, I'm using that was explaining why I no feelings of guilt. I don't really form attachments to many people, I don't get sad over things like death for example, I'm quite matter of fact.

Not saying that makes any of it okay, of course it doesn't. I know what I did was wrong. I am just explaining why I think I don't feel guilt. I know I should, I just don't and I can't force myself to feel it.

😂 Who'd have thought it eh?

Im not sure if holding both the parties of an affair responsible is saying that you lack respect for your partner. I believe that if you are married you need to respect that marriage. But if you are single and know that the person is married you need to respect both people in the marriage and not engage - regardless if you know the wife/husband or not - we owe something to each other in society - not acting like people without moral compasses or no impulse control. Just be a decent human being. On all sides. The people that cheat are obviously lack a moral compass because they are cheating - but those know they cheat with are too - they know it’s disrespectful at best if the spouse never finds out and cause incredible pain if they do. They both have agency and acted like only themselves matter

I really don’t buy the argument that holding the woman accountable for her actions is diluting his responsibility or letting him off.

If you're referring to what I wrote .....that's not what I was saying; I was saying that the BS focusing on the OW inevitably reduces her focus on her partner's responsibility and agency.

And that seriously detracts from the BS's understanding and decision making (and ultimately their welfare).

The ow is actually an irrelevance - if it wasn't her it would be some other woman. It's a role, not a person.

Why that particular woman played that role is by the by. That's her life/character/issues and ultimately it doesn't matter. If it wasn't her who played the role, it would have been someone else.

The thing to.focus on is your life partner. He's the one who put another woman in that role. He's the one whkmgot himself a girlfriend/mistress. He's the one who opened the door of your "house" to another person. The person is actually neither here nor there. There are a million and one needy, naive, avaristuc, foolish, careless, selfish, disordered etc etc people out there who could end up cheating with an attached person ....he's the reason one of them entered your life/" home".

Honestly - that is a complete cop out. If you know it’s wrong don’t do it it’s simple really. Keep it in your pants.

If it's that simple, nobody would have affairs. Whereas in reality it's believed to be 1 in 5 people. I suspect higher as not everyone would admit to it.

What is a cop out? I've not said that's why I had affair I said that's why I never felt guilt. Of course I know right from wrong. I know it's wrong to go 80mph on the motorway, but I still do it sometimes.

It's also not always about sex so it's not always about 'keeping it in your pants'. There's always so much assumption and sweeping statements when it comes to affairs.

My partner had an affair in 2023 with a guy she met online. It lasted around 8 months. I don't think she felt guilt at all. Regret maybe, but not guilt.

But that is the thing - it is not a role it is a person - that person enabled the behaviour. And the argument if it was not her it was someone else - is not in my opinion a valid argument - that is just passing the buck down the line and no one takes responsibility for their actions. Whilst I agree that the person that cheated on their partner opened the door as you said - the affair partner enabled it. No one is innocent in this scenario. And to make this clear is not diminishing the role the partner has in the cheating. There is enough pain and anger to go around to blame both 🤣