Do you feel guilty for having an affair?

[fantalemom]

I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell for this one.

Around a year ago I met a man on fab swingers. I was only looking for a bit of fun and we seemed to get on well. He made it clear that he was married which I chose to ignore. It's not the first time he's had an affair. He cheated on his wife when they lived in London, she found out, forgave him and they moved back to my home town. They only live around the corner.

We ended up seeing each other for around 4 months. I liked him, but I wasn't in love with him. It was mostly sexual chemistry and the thrill I think. He became very clingy towards the end, constantly texting, double texting if I didn't reply quick enough. It felt like having a controlling boyfriend and I got the "ick". I realised how pathetic he was. I ended up blocking him with no explanation and haven't spoken to him since. I think about him sometimes and feel guilty. His wife deserves better, that goes without saying. It's not something I would entertain again and I'd be heartbroken if my partner/husband did betrayed me like that.

I can't punish myself forever though, can I? How did you make peace with it?

You’ve expressed your views but you won’t answer yes or no about what YOU would do. I have stated clearly what I would and wouldn’t do with regards to getting involved with an attached person. Why can’t you?? It’s a very simple yes or no. You would or you wouldn’t. Which is it?

I have already answered this at 27/11/2024 08:05- if you are going to demand - which you have no right to do btw- that I answer a question please check I have already answered it. 😂

There are some nice people in the world, many I should imagine.

It's best to stay away from the sorts that agree with affairs and the values one has to have to undergo the methods of one.

There are actually rights and wrongs in life, my advice would be to stay away from those lacking empathy and concience, it seeps into other areas of life.

At least with many other offenders they don't try to plead mitigating circumstances so much.
Horrible is, as horrible does coining a paraphrase from Forest Gump's mother, stay away from the nasties, they hold no joy in life, with either their actions or excuses.

@ThatBrickRaven No time nor interest to go back days. You are prevaricating for reasons best known to yourself. Either own your behaviour or don’t. Simple as. Amusing you talk about what I have “the right” to do whilst defending other people’s “right” to do anything. I don’t know you, I have made no promises to you. By your own rational, I have the right to do and say whatever I want. But it seems you don’t like it. Funny that…..

what behaviour am I owning? You dont know what you are talking about!- I’m not defending anyone’s rights - I’m saying blame the person who made promises they didn’t keep! Your message makes no sense. 😂😂😂😂

@ThatBrickRaven Yes they do make perfect sense. It’s not difficult. You personally would shag a married man or you wouldn’t? You just don’t seem to want to admit it. HTH further if it’s unclear….

@Buildingthefuture

I think that's the best you're going to get from @ThatBrickRaven you will never see a written declaration or promise of intent from this particular person, and if she did, you know how meaningless it would be.

@ThatBrickRaven, you see Raven we are conversing, people like to know the moral values of people who they speak to, if they not in allignment to our values it gives us the oppotunity to discard unwanted people from our orbit.

You failed that test by the way 😂

Hello @Buildingthefuture you on the other hand sound lovely 😂

People judge Raven get over it, you will never stop it by your rediculous contorturing excuses.

I’ve told you Ive already answered that question- I’m not repeating myself to suit you. 😂😂😂😂. Wtf do you think you are anyway demanding answers?

😂

I agree - people do judge and blame. I just prefer to do that to the person who is actually to blame. You know the ones who gave their word and broke it? What excuse do I have to make? I’ve given my opinion and stood up for someone who I think was being kicked when she was down

No matter what contortions you try to twist me into I’m not going to attack the OP for feeling bad about something and admitting it. If someone said their husband was cheating I would support them but I’ll always blame the cheater - as they are the ones cheating!

Gosh. An awful lot of words to avoid the question. Whatever. Like I said, we are all responsible for ourselves.
No one held a gun to ops head, she now feels shit about what she did, like a lot of people do. Hopefully she can put it behind her and move on. And not do it again, for no one but herself.

Again - I’ve answered the question before - 🤦‍♀️😂. I agree let’s hope she can put it behind her.

@ThatBrickRaven

If you really are not an adulterer yourself and you have never been betrayed by someone then I would say you are ignorant.

You have no idea the of pain and devastating effects that are the result of affairs.

Mind blowing, sectioning, suicides, anxieties, schophenias triggered, depression, bi polar triggered, sexually transmitted diseases, some lasting a lifetime, herpes, warts going on to form pre cancerous cells which you never thought you had, catching virusus from people who are not monogomous leading to it triggering debilitating illneses, being monogamous is best for your health, it really is.

Oh and the types of deaths, jumping off buildings, tablets, slashing wrists, car accidents, setting youself alight with petrol, yes I've heard them all. And would you believe it all caused by betrayal, and most of these women were perfectly sound of mind beforehand.

There is definiely a link to women's physical and mental health with affairs, and to align yourself to any woman who agrees with them is inexcusable.

Just because I haven’t cheated or been cheated on doesn’t mean I have no understanding. As I said earlier a person very close to me was cheated on - it’s hurt her massively but she got rid of him. He was a bad person in lots of ways. It transpired that he had loads of affairs. You don’t know the OPs state of mind - apart from that she feels like shit. I feel sorry for all women who are hurt by their partners cheating. I just done believe in hammering someone for someone else’s mistake

You will change your views as you age, especially if you invest a lifetime with one man and children.

Having seen your friend go throught it (I imagine she's not too old) and move on only skims the surface.
Much of the pain, humiliation and devastation is hid behind closed doors, society does not wish to see the pain by mainly men who inflict such cruelty, affairs are minimised in society for the sole reason for men to keep the status quo of moving onto unsuspecting younger partners and retaining their financial power.

It's jack shit to do with love and all about keeping women subordinate and being an entertaintment for their private parts.

Many men are just animals in suits, but the women who fall for their made up non monogamous lifestyle excuses are just as bad, this shit needs teaching in schools.

It harms women badly and most of us don't need to experiment to imagine the results.

Do better and stop reinforcing the idea that it's not in any way a woman's fault to harm another woman.

JFC. Fab swingers?? Barf.

@ThatBrickRaven it doesn’t surprise me at all that people have differing standards of moral integrity to my own and don’t give a shit about anybody else or what they think, it’s evident everywhere, especially on Mumsnet. Each to their own, however.
@fantalemom you are not a bad person, just a person who did a bad thing. We are all flawed one way or another, nobody is perfect.
It’s not what we do that defines us, unless we do it repeatedly without a backwards glance, otherwise all we would be is the sum of our worst moments. We’re not.
We’re not just the sum of our misdeeds, we’re a mixture of our good and bad choices. The important thing to remember is that what we do when we know we have done wrong is what shows our true character. That’s who we really are.
Decent people feel remorse, stop what they are doing and vow never to do it again. That’s you, a decent person. You did something bad that you wish you hadn’t, you stopped it, you never want to do it again and you want to do better. That’s who you are, you have standards and a conscience.
You can’t do more than that, you’ve been honest, learned about yourself from what you did and you made a change. That’s admirable.
Put it behind you, you’re not ‘that’ person, you’re stronger and more aware of how what we do harms others and now you’re wiser and a bit kinder. Time to celebrate that and let it improve your empathy and understanding of others. Fresh start, new day. Punishing yourself won’t make you a better person, continuing to be kind and understanding will. Sometimes wisdom is hard earned and painful but it only ever serves us positively.
This thread is getting unpleasant unfortunately so I will agree to disagree with others and hope you can make peace with yourself, Fantalemom.

we will have to agree to disagree I think.

What's happened Wookie, you sound like a different woman from earlier today, I think I like fiesty Wookie 😂

@Moogpie 😂😂 thank you, but I don’t think everybody does! Or maybe I’ve just run out of Captain Morgan’s finest. 😉
My opinion on infidelity and blame and personal responsibility remains exactly the same, earlier I was just giving my (usually far too long ) two pennies’ worth about my stance on OW and their responsibilities when they choose to sleep with a married man. That’s usually enough for my hand to clutch my pearls.😂
It’s worn out and hackneyed saying but it really does take two to tango, my dear late mum was right about that and if you like feisty you’d have loved the look on her face if ever she felt the need to say that.
I realised I’d kind of jumped into the fray without saying anything to the OP about what she’d actually posted about and felt it was bad form on my part.
Fiesty me would come back if OP didn’t care about or was defending what she did, she isn’t. I believe in second chances and redemption, otherwise we’re all past help really and when we let ourselves down (everybody has and does to one degree or another) we shouldn’t let it define us, if we want to make amends and become a better person. Good people do bad things and bad people do bad things. The way to decide which is which is by seeing what they do afterwards. Get honest and try to put it right, or run away/ blame others/ play the victim? OP is being honest and doesn’t like what she did or who she was, neither do I, but I like the person she wants to be.
Just don’t like throwing stones from inside my glass house because nobody is perfect. I’ll tag you next time my eyes start rolling and channel my inner outrage. 😂

I feel sorry for you. You clearly have no self-respect. Learn from this and don’t do it again.

LOL. The old "you must have no self respect" trope.

Oh come on. That's extreme cases. The majority of people never get near anything like that. If they do, their mental health was probably already walking an extremely thin line. Not sound of mind at all.

And just because someone has slept with someone else doesn't mean they are riddled with disease. What a silly generalisation.

@Rudolfinium you're minimising. I was absolutely 'sound of mind' as was my best friend until infidelity. My friend developed suicidal ideation and I developed panic attacks.

Neither of us had ever suffered mental health issues before. I work with huge numbers of women and I've seen this repeated again and again.

As for STDs so the fact you're not all 'riddled' means that our right to informed sexual consent and our right to feeling our sexual health is protected - as we are in a monogamous relationship - is null and void?

It matters not whether this is extreme responses, it matters that it happens. It matters that all you're doing by sleeping with married/partnered men is supporting a man in the abuse of his wife. Hardly sticking it to the man.

It's just selfish and entitled.

I don’t think it’s fair to judge anyone.

Those are extreme cases, I agree, although I do know one woman who completely lost it when her husband had an affair, but nobody even raised an eyebrow that he had. She was the only one that was shocked. He was a total creep and we all knew he was capable of it, except her. ‘Love is blind’ must be true.

She is so much better off without him now.