Do you feel guilty for having an affair?

[fantalemom]

I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell for this one.

Around a year ago I met a man on fab swingers. I was only looking for a bit of fun and we seemed to get on well. He made it clear that he was married which I chose to ignore. It's not the first time he's had an affair. He cheated on his wife when they lived in London, she found out, forgave him and they moved back to my home town. They only live around the corner.

We ended up seeing each other for around 4 months. I liked him, but I wasn't in love with him. It was mostly sexual chemistry and the thrill I think. He became very clingy towards the end, constantly texting, double texting if I didn't reply quick enough. It felt like having a controlling boyfriend and I got the "ick". I realised how pathetic he was. I ended up blocking him with no explanation and haven't spoken to him since. I think about him sometimes and feel guilty. His wife deserves better, that goes without saying. It's not something I would entertain again and I'd be heartbroken if my partner/husband did betrayed me like that.

I can't punish myself forever though, can I? How did you make peace with it?

Affairs take two people to tango, so both the man and the OW are to blame.

Focusing on the man while making excuses for the OW is a load of shit

Whether they have a script doesn't matter, without the OWs engagement the script wouldn't work would it!

Cant believe the excuses people are making on here ,if the shoe was on the other foot it would be a different fucking story

Forgive yourself OP? Whatever for?

Not your relationship not your responsibility. It's not as if his wife is your friend. Don't worry about it....after all he clearly doesn't!

I think Esther Petel once said something like Romantic love is the new religion in an increasingly atheist world...which is why people get so hot under the collar about OW.

But without the OW there wouldent be any cheating!

Stop making excuses

You don't appear to have read my post, so I don't know why you quoted it.

It takes two to tango but the spouses/partners owe their spouse/partner a fuck tonne more than a stranger. End of.

Any focus on the ow inevitably dilutes focus on the cheating attached man.
And that is a huge mistake. You need to truly see what you're married to/partnered to.

Yes don't worry at all about the part you had to play in potentially hurting someone else. You're alright, that's all that matters,
Fuck sake. Cheating hurts. Really bloody hurts. If I am ever the sort of person that can contribute even in a small way to that then I'd be really bloody ashamed of myself.

But it IS her responsibility too because without her input the cheating wouldent have happened

The OWs are very much equally responsible

She can't undo what is done, but could at least apologise to the wife, or if not, like another poster said, sit down and reflect on what attracted her to a married man in the first place look at her values etc to heal within herself

Totally agree. Why would anyone want to be involved with a cheating lying scummy POS regardless of anything else? Cheats are despicable that goes without saying but choosing to willingly jump into bed with them is a pretty scummy thing to do and makes someone knowingly doing that a pretty disgusting human imo

Yeah I can't believe the excuses people are making

I reckon a lot of people making excuses are the type who would go after married people themselves

What is your question? Why did you write this post?

Of course I read your post. You are trying to let the OWs off the hook

The OP herself said she'd be devastated if it happened to her, but she didn't give a shit about the man's wife when it was all thrills and fun did she?

But according to you these OWs are doing the world a favour by helping expose these men for what they are. Like they are ninja honey trappers that people should be thankful for 🤔

She may not owe the wife as much as her partner does but she does have a CHOICE to not get involved with married men
She made a conscious CHOICE to mess around with someone else's husband despite the many single men that are available. It's inexcusable

No morals - especially if the affair partner knows the other person is married. Gross.

I had an affair with a married man, while I was also married. I've since left my marriage, as I realized that I would have continued cheating even if that particular affair ended.

The affair did continue when I was single but eventually ended, we have stayed in touch and while he did go to marriage counseling he is ditll unhappy and has since started a new affair and is apparently planning to leave next year. His wife has never had a clue. I wasn't the first time he'd cheated, he'd had several affairs before me.

So, with that in mind, did I feel guilty - for his wife, no, it does sound like he's highlighted the issues he has in the relationship and she's done nothing to address it. While he should leave, finances and not wanting to disrupt his children's lives have kept him in the marriage.

So no, didn't feel guilty about her.

For my own husband, I think at the time I was really bitter and angry about our relationship. When I told him what I was unhappy about, he said he was unable and unwilling to change, and I took didn't want to break up my children's family unit. I left because I knew that such a life was not sustainable. He did find out, and I do feel bad for hurting him, but in a way it made him realise things needed to change and I think he's now a better partner for his new gf.

Can you read the madness in what you have just posted? Why are you making the ow responsible for what a man in a relationship chooses to do? He is the one who committed to one person - he choose to step outside of that. Are women supposed to police men for other women?!

That's like saying, if no-one sold chocolate, obesity wouldn't exist.

Someone's always going to sell chocolate.

You don't have to put it in your mouth.

Other women will always exist. They will always get involved with attached men for various reasons ranging from vulnerability to more predatory motivations.

(Personally I think they are presumed to be predatory by lots and lots of people by default, whereas in fact the common default is the other end of the scale (vulnerable)).

The attached man has a choice.

He has agency.

He is responsible for how own decisions.

No-one can force him to act inappropriately, and everything leading on from that.

As I said, no-one walks in a closed, locked door (a monogamous marriage), someone has to unlock and open that door to let you walk in.

Of course I read your post. You are trying to let the OWs off the hook

Nope.

I don't agree with this. She knew he was married and it's a shitty thing to do. If single women are sleeping with married men , and they know these men are married then they need to take accountability and the blame lies with them. It's a scummy thing to do , I'm sure they wouldn't like it done to them.
If they don't know then that's a different matter, imho

finances and not wanting to disrupt his children's lives have kept him in the marriage

But he's apparently leaving next year ...so that's all bullshit.

He could have done that earlier and not cheated repeatedly on her.

He could shoot her MH to shit if he got caught at any point. How's a depressed, stressed, traumatised, upset mother good for this kids??

How's an antagonistic, bitter, angry marriage breakdown, if he was caught cheating, good for his kids??

It's all bullshit.

He could have kept his nose clean and left.

I’m sorry but this just isn’t true. I was the other woman a few years ago, I was absolutely to blame. It’s an horrendous thing to do to another woman. I was an idiot.

No families involved btw, no one lived together.

Any woman who has knowingly slept with a married man coming on this thread for absolution will not get it from me!

Thinking it's perfectly acceptable to possibly ruin and change peoples entire lives so you can get your kicks? Consoling yourselves that you were not the one who made the vows, if it wasn't you it would be somebody else... Hogwash!

Vile creatures!

Just to clarify I have never had an affair with a married man and never would now as I'm in my 30s and not an idiot... but I know the bollocks men come out with. We've all been lied to by men and pitted against other women. It often works on younger girls or on any vulnerable women with low self esteem etc..
I know what DH friend was saying to my friend (who was much younger than him) it was all "you are my real soulmate" etc
I presume he says this to all the women. Makes them feel special and uses the contrast with his wife to do so.
I just personally think that holding a get towards other women let's this go on. As it feeds into the whole competitive element that these me thrive on.

No.
I'm gonna be dead for a long time.

You did a despicable shitty selfish thing. You have to own it and live with it on your conscience. Make your peace with yourself by never doing it again.

I agree there may well be a vast majority of male cheaters who are plain old sociopaths (like the one you describe). What I can't agree with is that their mistresses have no responsibility: are women not adult, capable humans? Are they essentially lacking a moral compass? Can't they exercise their own judgement? Might as well keep them from voting, then... (you see where these kind of infantilising conceptions of women lead to, don't you?). Of course we should take in consideration the kind of relationship they had with their affair partners (and yes, sociopaths are abusive). But I think blanket affirmations like "The women are misguided or thoughtless" are not right.
As for the female cheaters: I have known an astonishing number of sociopathic women troughout my life and, believe me, as their male correspondants, they harm as much. Some of these women function like predators and get the thrill if they can break a marriage/family (I assume it's some kind of challenge).

Sorry for the long post! I see where you're coming from and I agree with the sentiment, I really do. But I find that owning your decisions and mistakes and bad experiences is a freeing experience.

When there is an affair both the cheater and the OW or OM are responsible. If you are not happy in your marriage do the honourable thing and split. Do not do this to your kids. They pick up on everything. And please stop this “I do not split becasue of the kids”. You don’t split because you want to have your cake and eat it.
And I really don’t get it! How the hell does a lier turn you on? I can’t. It’s a complete turn off for me.

Puts on hard hat

I had an affair with a married man, and no I didn't feel guilty. I know that's not something we're meant to say but it's true. I didn't know his wife, and I barely gave her a second thought. Harsh as that may be. I wasn't the one cheating on her - though she still held me solely responsible.