Page 15 | Do you feel guilty for having an affair?

fantalemom · 2024-11-27T00:11:56+00:00

I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell for this one. Around a year ago I met a man on fab swingers. I was only looking for a bit of fun and we seemed to get on well. He made it clear that he was married which I chose to ignore. It's not the first time he's had an affair. He cheated on his wife when they lived in London, she found out, forgave him and they moved back to my home town. They only live around the corner. We ended up seeing each other for around 4 months. I liked him, but I wasn't in love with him. It was mostly sexual chemistry and the thrill I think. He became very clingy towards the end, constantly texting, double texting if I didn't reply quick enough. It felt like having a controlling boyfriend and I got the "ick". I realised how pathetic he was. I ended up blocking him with no explanation and haven't spoken to him since. I think about him sometimes and feel guilty. His wife deserves better, that goes without saying. It's not something I would entertain again and I'd be heartbroken if my partner/husband did betrayed me like that. I can't punish myself forever though, can I? How did you make peace with it?

3luckystars · 03/12/2024 08:13

And happier too btw.

OneRubyHare · 03/12/2024 13:35

Buildingthefuture · 02/12/2024 19:21

Protecting “the integrity” of someone else’s relationship has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I wouldn’t touch a man with a partner.
I wouldn’t touch a man with a partner for my OWN integrity, no one else’s. @Thewookiemustgo has nailed it. Any hint of participation in an act that is so utterly destructive to someone else’s relationship and totally innocent children, whether I know them or not, is abhorrent to me.
And yes, those are my standards and my boundaries. It is easy to say “if it hadn’t been me it would have been someone else”. Ignoring the fact that that basically admits you’ve shagged a…..shagger? Then no, that will never be me. For no one else but me.
It’s called personal responsibility, you should give it a try. And if you don’t like that? Tough!

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My thoughts exactly 👏👏

Peppermilk24 · 03/12/2024 14:49

OneRubyHare · 03/12/2024 13:35

My thoughts exactly 👏👏

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Everyone has different standards though as to what they feel is right and wrong. You don't have to agree but I don't see the need for nastiness tbh? The OP came here for help, you don't have to have sympathy for her or even like her but you don't have to be nasty to her either. I've read loads of comments on here with women, who purport to be supporters of other women, who have belittled, demeaned, castigated, labelled, and otherwise were hellish to OP coming here for advice. As a previous poster said, the OP wasn't trying to excuse herself, she felt bad about what she did. She wasn't claiming it as some great noble act. Cant we support her too? Ive been there, had my heart broken but someone that I trust but I don't see the point in being vitriolic to another person, a stranger, because of it. I've also seen some posters attacked for standing up for her? Ruby at the risk of being accused of singling you out, you have spent nearly all your posts aiming vicious pointless names at people - why?

Moogpie · 03/12/2024 16:57

Peppermilk24 · 03/12/2024 14:49

Everyone has different standards though as to what they feel is right and wrong. You don't have to agree but I don't see the need for nastiness tbh? The OP came here for help, you don't have to have sympathy for her or even like her but you don't have to be nasty to her either. I've read loads of comments on here with women, who purport to be supporters of other women, who have belittled, demeaned, castigated, labelled, and otherwise were hellish to OP coming here for advice. As a previous poster said, the OP wasn't trying to excuse herself, she felt bad about what she did. She wasn't claiming it as some great noble act. Cant we support her too? Ive been there, had my heart broken but someone that I trust but I don't see the point in being vitriolic to another person, a stranger, because of it. I've also seen some posters attacked for standing up for her? Ruby at the risk of being accused of singling you out, you have spent nearly all your posts aiming vicious pointless names at people - why?

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Aknowledging guilt by writing doesn't equal redemption.

You just have to learn to live with it and hope that you never have the misfortune to go through it yourself, because that is when full understanding may offer a true insight to what you have done.
Personally though FAB swingers, the guy's a skip rat and needs to be as far away from decent women as possible, I would say he's pretty useless to the female species.

Poor wife.
To be landed with that, some people have no luck.

OneRubyHare · 04/12/2024 01:00

Excuse me?

I quoted the OP and said to her to maybe apologise to the wife and just dont do it again. How is that nasty?? I think that was kind actually.....

She wasn't feeling bad when the situation was serving her though, was she? Only felt bad when the man started getting feelings. He was 'clingy' and giving her the 'ick'....what a turn off, not so fun and sexy anymore eh. But she comes on here expecting what exactly? Sympathy? Shes hardly going to get a warm hug is she. But according to you and a few other posters shes an innocent victim and we are supposed to be super sympathetic just because she's shown remorse WHEN THE SITUATION STOPPED SERVING HER. People are going to be tough with her.

If she didn't know the man was married and later found out then she would have got sympathy. But not when she went on a swingers site of all places, ffs

A few poor women have posted on here explaining their awful experiences with being cheated on , how it affected their mental health and physical wellbeing, in some cases it's ruined their whole life and their kids lives, but i haven't seen you or your cronies showing any kind of empathy or sympathy towards them. Thought you were for all women eh? Where is your empathy for these women??

YOU are doing exactly what you are accusing me of. I chose to stop interacting with you and a few others but you quoted me again, I think you're just trying to drag me back into the argument

I have no sympathy for women who knowingly fuck married men, nor for ones who only show remorse when they atop benefitting from the situation. They are just as bad as the men themselves.

These are my standards, accept it and leave me alone

OneRubyHare · 04/12/2024 01:02

Oh yeah and to add, if the guy hadn't have caught feeling's, she would probably still be shagging him. So yeah no sympathy from me I'm afraid

Peppermilk24 · 04/12/2024 09:26

Moogpie · 03/12/2024 16:57

Aknowledging guilt by writing doesn't equal redemption.

You just have to learn to live with it and hope that you never have the misfortune to go through it yourself, because that is when full understanding may offer a true insight to what you have done.
Personally though FAB swingers, the guy's a skip rat and needs to be as far away from decent women as possible, I would say he's pretty useless to the female species.

Poor wife.
To be landed with that, some people have no luck.

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Hi Moogpie, I totally agree with you - the thing is she cant un-do it. She has admitted the mistake, said she wont do it again and understands how painful what she did was to the other lady involved. She is trying to navigate her way out of it. I dont think she deserves to feel bad forever. Also again I agree with you regarding the husband. Horrible human!

Peppermilk24 · 04/12/2024 09:44

OneRubyHare · 04/12/2024 01:00

Excuse me?

I quoted the OP and said to her to maybe apologise to the wife and just dont do it again. How is that nasty?? I think that was kind actually.....

She wasn't feeling bad when the situation was serving her though, was she? Only felt bad when the man started getting feelings. He was 'clingy' and giving her the 'ick'....what a turn off, not so fun and sexy anymore eh. But she comes on here expecting what exactly? Sympathy? Shes hardly going to get a warm hug is she. But according to you and a few other posters shes an innocent victim and we are supposed to be super sympathetic just because she's shown remorse WHEN THE SITUATION STOPPED SERVING HER. People are going to be tough with her.

If she didn't know the man was married and later found out then she would have got sympathy. But not when she went on a swingers site of all places, ffs

A few poor women have posted on here explaining their awful experiences with being cheated on , how it affected their mental health and physical wellbeing, in some cases it's ruined their whole life and their kids lives, but i haven't seen you or your cronies showing any kind of empathy or sympathy towards them. Thought you were for all women eh? Where is your empathy for these women??

YOU are doing exactly what you are accusing me of. I chose to stop interacting with you and a few others but you quoted me again, I think you're just trying to drag me back into the argument

I have no sympathy for women who knowingly fuck married men, nor for ones who only show remorse when they atop benefitting from the situation. They are just as bad as the men themselves.

These are my standards, accept it and leave me alone

Ruby I asked you a question is all. Your opinion is valid, as are everyone else's, I simply asked you why you felt the need to interact the way that you are with name calling etc. Including I might add to a person who chose to stay in the relationship after being cheated on - you stated that that person had no self -respect. I found that horrible to read and can only imagine how it felt for the person reading it who did stay and try to repair the relationship. I don't think what the OP did was right. She knows what she did was wrong. She has stated she wont do it again. you dont have to give her sympathy but you dont have to kick her when she is low either. You reference a swingers site and the OP joining one as if there is something wrong with that? , why do you believe that each person on a swingers site is on there married/cheating. I'm sure there are cheaters, but I'm also sure there are people who are single, in open relationships or casual relationships etc? Its a totally shit feeling to be cheated on. I have been personally and its horrible. Doesnt give me a right though to attack a stranger on a forum. Strangely I dont seem to be triggered as much as you are on the topic? The things you post are nasty in my opinion. For what its worth, I respect your standards and no you don't have to respond but others can call you out on your behavior.

OneRubyHare · 04/12/2024 10:25

Moogpie · 03/12/2024 16:57

Aknowledging guilt by writing doesn't equal redemption.

You just have to learn to live with it and hope that you never have the misfortune to go through it yourself, because that is when full understanding may offer a true insight to what you have done.
Personally though FAB swingers, the guy's a skip rat and needs to be as far away from decent women as possible, I would say he's pretty useless to the female species.

Poor wife.
To be landed with that, some people have no luck.

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Yeah I really hope she kicked his manky arse to the curb. Poor woman

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/12/2024 11:58

Rudolfinium · Yesterday 07:00

MrsSkylerWhite · Yesterday 00:20
I feel sorry for you. You clearly have no self-respect. Learn from this and don’t do it again.
**
LOL. The old "you must have no self respect" trope.

Tropes exist for a reason. They’re generally true.

Moogpie · 04/12/2024 14:43

Rudolfinium · 03/12/2024 07:06

Oh come on. That's extreme cases. The majority of people never get near anything like that. If they do, their mental health was probably already walking an extremely thin line. Not sound of mind at all.

And just because someone has slept with someone else doesn't mean they are riddled with disease. What a silly generalisation.

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I feel I must address some of your niavity.

You sound quite young for starters and confident, that's good with all the innocence that goes with that.

Believe me that suicide rates for women are at their highest when women have been betrayed, it's exactly why women are promptly directed to Gp's upon discovery of affairs. Age has a large factor in this, the longer the marriage the more losses occur.
There will be many women by the time I've written this post who will have been discarded for a younger woman, fact. They will lose their family homes, their security, their best friend and lover, in some cases their children.
Men can be quite cruel, even the ones who you'd never believe it of, I've seen many wives being discarded because they became ill, with cancer and such, or just because they no longer were young, or they couldn't accept their h's having affairs.
Life is unfair, you will see that as you age.

And as for being riddled, I'm not just talking about sexual health which in itself can lie dormant and later trigger much more devastating ilnesses, but virus and bateria which also can trigger cell mutation at a later date. Because that's what illness is, researchers constantly finding links to different ilnesses such as cancer, parkinsons, multiple sclerosis and the viruses that can trigger these life limiting diseases.
It makes me laugh how some people treat their bodies as temples yet don't see how having numerous sexual partners can be in any way bad for your health.
HPV's (warts) Epstein Bar virus (mono, glandular fever) herpes, mercel cell all known triggers for cancer and many many more. In fact most diseases which are killers which are in our DNA are just waiting for those latent triggers to alter and mutate your Mitochondrial DNA.

We all are exposed to viruses and bateria, that increses significantly when you exhange bodily fluids and touch, being promiscuous really isn't the healthiest passtime, monogamy reduces your chances of triggering these life limiting illneses in the future.

It's important to wear protection and don't kiss too may frogs.