Do you feel guilty for having an affair?

[fantalemom]

I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell for this one.

Around a year ago I met a man on fab swingers. I was only looking for a bit of fun and we seemed to get on well. He made it clear that he was married which I chose to ignore. It's not the first time he's had an affair. He cheated on his wife when they lived in London, she found out, forgave him and they moved back to my home town. They only live around the corner.

We ended up seeing each other for around 4 months. I liked him, but I wasn't in love with him. It was mostly sexual chemistry and the thrill I think. He became very clingy towards the end, constantly texting, double texting if I didn't reply quick enough. It felt like having a controlling boyfriend and I got the "ick". I realised how pathetic he was. I ended up blocking him with no explanation and haven't spoken to him since. I think about him sometimes and feel guilty. His wife deserves better, that goes without saying. It's not something I would entertain again and I'd be heartbroken if my partner/husband did betrayed me like that.

I can't punish myself forever though, can I? How did you make peace with it?

I think the combination of mild boredom, opportunity and Internet access to dating apps was the main cause. Within weeks she was climbing into another man's bed.

She expressed regret, was apologetic but I didn't detect any guilt or contrition. I often read on Mumsnet, people justifying their infidelity. Transferring blame. There were elements of that with my partner.

I honestly didn't see it coming, but we're still together; although I'm less invested in her. But I'm glad we live in separate properties and always have done. That gave ne a semblance of control.

It’s never their fault - what you mean. I am really sorry about this. And please don’t feel the need to answer if it’s too personal - but why stay with her? Wouldn’t be better to start fresh - have a partner you can count on? Not judging at all - just trying to understand.

I must be one of the few that just expects all men to have affairs. I don’t think I’d be that hurt because it would be no surprise if it happened.
my mother has it drilled into me. I know everyone says it’s so devastating and maybe I’m cold but I think there are worse ways I could be hurt by a man than him going elsewhere for sex. The lying would hurt me more.

If an affair happens, as some point your partner makes a decision to have sex with someone else. Most don't have the maturity to take responsibility for that. Hence the transference of blame to their partner.

There was nothing to make me feel suspicious at the time. She wasn't hiding her phone; but then again, I wasn't in the habit of checking it anyway.

I think I stayed because I still believed in that potential we had pre-affair

I wish you all the best. Healing.

I agree completely. I think we all need to be a little more French about it quite frankly. We’re all human. It would devastate me to feel disconnected from my partner, like I was locked out of their inner world or that they would hide things from me. I’d take a fun and kind cheater over a loyal misery any day of the weak.

You've made a bad choice. You've learnt and know better now. It's normal to have regrets but it's time to put it behind you and move forward because feeding negative emotions will not change the past and won't bring anything of benefit for the present.
It's up to the husband to fix whatever hurt he caused to his wife. There is a huge chance that if it wasn't you it would have been someone else. Cheaters cheat and the opportunities are there.

I wouldn’t go near an attached man. Shagging proven liars, even in an “uncommitted” way really isn’t my style, in fact it’s about as attractive to me as a public bikini wax.
Attached men give me the immediate ick. The kind of weak, pathetic man who gets his jollies by shitting on his wife is not a turn on for me.
But, you’ve done it now op and you can’t undo it. Learn from it, reflect on who you want to be moving forward and move on.
I will say though, if you go with the “it’s not your fault, you weren’t married” brigade on here, you will end up doing it again (and feeling shit about yourself as a consequence) Take responsibility for your own actions. No is a complete sentence. Use it.

Eh?? Pick any one of the literally thousands of threads on here from women who suspect their partner is having an affair. One of the many common themes is that they feel disconnected from their partner, that their partners are hiding things. They literally drive themselves mad as a result, usually with the help of a lot of gas
lighting from their partners. That is the very nature of an affair. I don’t think it feels “fun” or “kind” to be on the receiving end in any way.

I’d take a fun and kind cheater over a loyal misery any day of the weak.

lol I suppose there are no other options?

i find it very sad that some women are willing to set their standards based on an unfounded belief that all, or even the majority of men cheat.

Just because I called out her shitty behaviour doesn’t mean I’m giving him a pass. He’s vile. And no, it’s not about me. I just have a very strong moral compass and I think people who cheat on their wives/partners or who sleep with men with wives/partners, or indeed men who sleep with married women, are selfish, morally bankrupt, sociopaths lacking in empathy. I see so many women who have been utterly destroyed by cheating husbands. It’s a form of abuse. And the women who participate in this abuse are completely and utterly complicit. That makes them every bit as bad in my book. As a woman, I am very much of the opinion that you don’t fuck other women’s husbands. Women are supposed to support other women. So if you don’t, in my book that makes you treacherous and traitors deserve the harshest of feedback. Now you don’t need to agree or to like what I have to say, but that’s what I think.

Diddums. Oh no! That’s me told 😂

Maybe it is an unfounded belief. Maybe I am here too long 😁

I was just saying I wouldn’t be surprised or shocked by a man going elsewhere for sex.
I wouldn’t wish it anybody else but it wouldn’t devastate me, I expect it.

I suppose everyone is different though.

If you actually read my post properly , you would see that I specifically stated the man and the OW are both responsible! An affair takes two people

If you were cheated on and found out the OW knew your fella had a wife, would you have this same laissez-faire attitude? Would you hell

Your locked door analogy is invalid. If you know the man is married then you stay away and don't go knocking on the door....its not rocket science

If there's a purse laying on the pavement chock full of £20 notes with someones bank cards etc, anyone with a moral compass would hand it in somewhere, but you decide to take it because well, someone else is going to do anyway. That's your reasoning and logic

The fact that you're trying to paint these OWs as not doing anything wrong makes me think you are one of those who would go after a married man. Why else are you so vehemently defending these women??

And no, they're not all vulnerable. Some of them are narcissistic bitches who want an ego boost from being able to get someone else's man

You have posted this before. Why again. Guess you didn’t like the response 1st time

Yes you are. As you are not willing to admit the OWs are part of the game. Like they deserve sympathy and consideration. I imagine you are one of those who has/ or would go with a married man

Yeah because some women on here are failing to read my posts properly

Probably the same women who have or would go off with a married man

And maybe try quoting the person you're referring to....

@OneRubyHare i am replying to the opening post. You don’t have to say that only if replying to subsequent posters do you quote

And @OneRubyHare if you are saying ow are scum couldn’t agree more. X

Ah OK. I'm pretty new to this site so I got the wrong end of the stick 😂

So the OP has posted about this in the past?

Thanks. Glad to know there's a few others in the thread with a moral compass intact lol

The OW wouldn’t be part of the equation for me because - even if she knew - even if she offered herself to him in a plate - he still cheated and HE was the one that said he wouldn’t! The OW doesn’t owe me a thing - he did. Trying to force your standards of morals or integrity on a stranger will
never work. To me the OW is just a mechanism for the cheater to display his disrespect. Kick him out by all means but don’t try to make someone outside of your relationship take any responsibility for the people in it.

I wouldn't make it a habit but it's a thing that happened. Move on from it and enjoy the better memories you have of him (or his parts).

She feels bad - she came on here to say that - she’s not boasting or trying to justify what she did so why the need to be so vicious. Sociopaths? I think that’s a very telling statement from yourself. The majority of people who cheat aren’t sociopaths- they may not have your understanding of morals etc but they don’t have personality disorders. You say you want to support other women ? Why it support the op who has admitted she made a mistake and regrets her behaviour. Kindly I think this topic has touched a nerve with you - the language you are using is highly emotive