"Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. The endless winter continues.

[Pleasenotme]

Ok, so this is thread number three. I can hardly believe it, in fact I don't want to believe it. I don't want to be in this place, so bloody broken and - at times - on my knees with despair. This is the link to my previous rantings:
Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter. | Mumsnet

Where are you with seeing a lawyer? Knowledge is power.

Hello lovely. It's good you have here to keep a log of all the dreadful goings on. It's awful that he's turned out to be so cruel and selfish. Sadly this is so common as you've found.
We're here cheering you on but we're genuinely so sad for you. Try to be good to yourself. Anything to get some peace even if just in short bursts.

@CraftyYankee I have a lawyer who is the DH of one of my closest friends. He is very calm, practical, has seen it all before and is giving me excellent advice. He also knows that I am not in a good place in respect of my MH so is treating me with great gentleness while retaining a core of steel. I am thankful for him but so wish our relationship could go back to the one that existed before, where it was just dinner and drinks with them, not him knowing the sordidness of my marital breakdown and my H's every cruelty.

I’m so glad you’ve made a new thread OP because so many people on here care about you and we’re all rooting for you every time you post.
We know you will come through this and we want to be there as you do.
Please don’t feel despondent about phoning him, you are only human and you loved him so much, I’m sure that in spite of his outward horrible behaviour that deep down inside he realises what a nasty piece of work he has been and he’s just taking it out on you. Do speak to your priest if it will give you comfort and strength, he will be very used to dealing with tears and sadness so don’t feel embarrassed about that at all.

Thank you, @LushLemonTart you are very kind. I just need some peace, you are right. I sought it today in church but it eluded me. I've just looked at myself in the mirror and it's an awful sight, great hollows under my eyes and I have aged so much. The greyness in my now horribly sparse, thinning hair is a very visual reflection of my pain. However, I also realise that by starting a third thread, I'm now in danger of sounding horribly self-indulgent and self-pitying when there are millions of poor souls who are going through infinitely worse. As so many of you have testified, I'm just one of a multitude of women who have been betrayed and abandoned in the same way. It's a club I wish I wasn't part of but its members are darned fine people.

Focus on the positives. It sounds like you have lots of kind and supportive people in your life. Your children, your boss, your friend, the lawyer husband, your priest. Don’t hesitate to lean on them.

Hello @Pleasenotme and I'm sorry you're still feeling so terrible.

Your STBXH has treated you appallingly.

I think for those of us who have endured this pain beforehand, reading @Pleasenotme 's updates knocks the old scars that we thought had long healed in ourselves.

The outrage we feel on behalf of you, Pleasenotme, is a reflection of our own pain.

The absolute CHEEK of your husband- What a wretch.

When a friend of Mum's went through similar, she moved to a small seaside Cottage.
She had a very elderly neighbour who had also lived through similar , who advised ''Empty yer chamber pot on his head, dear!''

This is what men like this deserve.

I'm still furious on your behalf.

You really need to tell her husband. Poor bugger

Keep going.

I read the previous threads. I'm appalled. Terrible excuse for a man.

Hasn't he just. He's had that Other Woman drip poison in his ear, by the sound of it.

Absolutely true.
He needs to be told.

Poor guy is probably bumbling along looking after the children wondering why his wife is away so much ''on work meetings''.

We’ve got you x

This, he needs to be told.

I've just looked at my hands. I've bitten off all my nails - I never bite my nails but I must have been gnawing at them all day and I've only just realised. This whole thing is like an out of body experience but one I can't wake up from. His strength and care of me has been replaced by his hatred and I'm still struggling to compute all this, to truly understand just why someone who has been with me for the majority of my adult life can become so vicious, so desperate to divest himself of me.

I need to try and sleep as I'm exhausted and I have a busy day with work tomorrow, and Tuesday is even worse with a long train journey and an important meeting. My nights are awful though so I'm going to try a herbal-based sleep product tonight to see if that will give me some respite. But I long for him to be back in our bed, for him to be the man he was, long to snuggle up to him and smell him and nuzzle him. He was always so strong and reassuring, but now he's that for her, not for me. I want it to be me, but he never will be again.

@Pleasenotme please stop thinking negative thoughts about yourself. You're not self indulgent. You've had your heart ripped out. We care and want to support as do the lovely people in your life.

Please take up the offer from the priest. He’s the one person you can totally fall apart to. Let it all spew out. It’s all taking up too much space in your head & it needs to come out. You didn’t get any relief from letting it all out to H because you got vitriol back. You will get nothing but kindness from the priest.

I agree that he needs to be told @oakleaffy but I don’t that the OP should do it, she’s dealing with her own trauma.

The final blow of this terrible weekend. My eldest DD has just messaged to say that her father has been in touch and told her words to the effect that I'm 'gas lighting' him 'so please talk to her and get her to stop'. She has asked me what on earth is going on and that she really can't deal with all this. Jesus wept, I genuinely feel as if my life has become an episode of East Enders. It feels cheap and tawdry and just horrible.

You have been through a terrible shock, life as you knew it has changed literally overnight.
You have been ill {caused by the shock and fear of losing your home} and I bet you don't look as bad as you think you do.

You absolutely are NOT being self indulgent.
This thread may well still be here in 10 or so years time, and will be a map out of sorrow for other women who have discovered their husbands have been unfaithful.

Sybille Bedford's mother in her autobiography ''Jigsaw'' became a morphine addict after her husband left - the local GP gave her morphine to soothe her nerves as she was frantic with despair. {1920's} so a century ago.

Don't go down that route, but the pain is timeless.

Someone needs to.

The little love nest needs disrupting.

Pardon my language @Pleasenotme but please inform your DD that her father is saying a crock of shite.

Tell her the truth - that you rang him because you’ve realized that he deliberately missed important family occasions in order to take his OW out, and you were outraged by his behaviour.

Don’t mention how you know this, leave it at that.

It’s difficult, but honestly, it’s better that your children know what’s been happening rather than you also lying to them. He’s been lying to them for months and they need to be able to trust one parent. 💐

To all those urging me to tell OW's DH, I just can't. I did draft a private message to him on X but deleted it. If I see him out and about, and I very rarely do, then I may be overwhelmed by the urge to do so but it is all just so sordid and in a strange way, which probably defies logic, I don't want to be the one that throws the grenade into their family set up and bring hurt to those children either. A PP did suggest a note on his car windscreen and that does have a sort of appeal but I feel frozen when I think about any conversation with him about this. i'm crying yet again having had the message from my DD. I tried to call her, she didn't answer but has sent me a text telling me she needs to sleep and we can talk tomorrow.

He's probably got OW bleating in his ear.
It's probably affecting their cosy trysts.

''Gas lighting'' is a very female term, and not one I hear men use.

He's a very weak man to involve your daughter. What a cheap shot.

Of course it isn't anything to do with your daughter-and she absolutely need not be involved.

It's awful for children, even adult children, but remember...it's him and the OW that has caused this mess, not you.