"Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. The endless winter continues.

[Pleasenotme]

Ok, so this is thread number three. I can hardly believe it, in fact I don't want to believe it. I don't want to be in this place, so bloody broken and - at times - on my knees with despair. This is the link to my previous rantings:
Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter. | Mumsnet

OP, are you reliving some kind of historic trauma? Like, did your father leave your family when you were a child and devastate you? I’m sorry you’re suffering so badly

Oh my heart aches for you and I would love to get that son of a b h and beat the crap out of him ( I amn’t a violent person), what a weasel he is, you are a very brave loving woman who has had your whole world turned upside down, I will include you in my prayers, to give you peace and contentment soon.

I found it hard to accept that the man ( my ex h ) that shared his vows to love, honour and cherish was the one I ended up scared of for a long time even after we separated.

It is very difficult to change our thoughts and you will get there, you are doing an amazing job at work, try to laugh over silly things fake it until you find real laughter again. You have great support of friends, family and us all here rooting for you.

I am sure he won’t have a lovely romantic life as she has children and it just won’t be the two of them, hoping they willl be right terrors for him 🤞🏻.

When you feeling’s are waning towards him, keep copy of the bank statement in your head, the lies he told and the money he spent and hopefully it will help to fuel a bit of anger against him.

Thoughts and prayers are with you. Keep a good hold of the cat, ours went missing 3 days ago and am so upset can’t stop thinking about him that’s why I am still awake at this hour.

🙏🏻💕

I think you need to take care of yourself a bit more. Can you get some Complan or something similar if you can't face solid food so you get some protein. Maybe some iron tablets or a multivitamin. (My hair thinned and moulted when I had low iron but it eventually thickened up.) Can you take yourself to the hairdresser and get something done with your hair? Maybe a few new outfits. I realise that this may all sound very shallow but I have found looking a bit better is one less thing to worry about. If you don't like your greying hair, do something about it. (I'd advise against any drastic cuts - a pixie cut suits very few women - you know all the ones who don't look like Audrey Hepburn.)

I do understand some of your grief although it was a different situation not involving my husband. I cried regularly for years about it and told my husband I couldn't see myself ever being fully happy again. I grieved - really grieved - and found that grief really gave me a pain in the chest. I wasted so much of my life on this. The horrible situation resolved and I can see that by holding on to the old vision of my life I couldn't move forward. Yes, it didn't resolve in the way I had so much hoped and prayed but it did resolve and I have felt happy again. False hope was really the worst thing because I refused for a long time to accept the reality. I tried anti-depressants and had an absolutely horrible reaction to them though I know they can a useful short term help for many people - I just wasn't one of them.

One day, you will look at your former husband and see what a pathetic man he really was. And he really is. One day you won't want him back ever.

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I know you say you still love him. I think you still love the person he was. That's not the person he is now. Transfer that love to yourself.

@Florawest Really hope your dear Cat turns up safe and well. 🙏

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He has probably become a different man now after synergising with the OW and taking on her values. A good parent wouldn’t use their child as a messenger system to pass on criticisms of to the other parent - that’s considered very poor behaviour among family relationship experts and I feel sorry for your daughter.

@HoppingPavlova I think most likely your STBEx shone when he was with you because of the positivity of your influence. The fact that he’s changed so much under someone else’s influence seems to indicate he doesn’t have a strong compass of his own.

So pleased you are staying with us here on mn . Hope you managed to get some sleep too . Try your best to get in a routine for yourself . Concentrate on you , one day at a time. Once their shit hits the fan and her husband finds out , it’ll be interesting to see how she reacts then, when reality kicks in because atm it’s all just new and exciting to her.

I’d message him and tell him to keep the kids out of it. He’s just pathetic and using any excuse to deflect the blame onto someone else. I think you’re right that the OW is planting this info in his head. No doubt she’s terrified that you’re going to tell the OW’s DH. I also agree that she’s probably telling him after Christmas. As it seems odd he has left and she is still living with her DH. I would certainly laugh if he’s moving in with her and the young children. Same happened to a friend of mine, he got himself a new woman (and omg my friend had put up with so much as he suffered with borderline personality disorder and was always self harming) and she had young children. Friend saw him with a baby car seat in his car and laughed so much picturing him dealing with tantrums and the terrible 2’s all over again, but with someone else’s child!

Sending lots of love your way, keep strong, you are strong, you’re doing well.

Your daughter needs to know what gaslighting means, then she’ll see that you’re not doing that! It would also be fair to say to her that her dad should not involve her as a go-between, AND she could more carefully consider when she brings you news like this- just as she wanted to go to sleep, so did you, but she reactivated your nervous system and gave you nowhere to go last night- that was thoughtless of her, just as it was thoughtless and unacceptable of her father to ask her to get involved. I hope she can hear these two pieces of information. It’s such a horrible time for all of you. Wishing you peace.

Please let it sink in that your ex has changed. He is no longer the man you married. You need to grieve this so you can set yourself up better

I've read your other threads OP, and my heart breaks for you going through this. I went through something similar a few years ago and know exactly how you feel. What I can say is you will see your day, Karma is a bitch, and when that day comes you will know you are healing, in my case it didn't take very long at all, and was very satisfying.

I hope you have been able to find some sleep Pleasenotme.

You have said that H is using OW language. When ha mentions gaslighting surly he means ^stalking’. He must think you have spies everywhere.
I don’t know if it is illegal but maybe to could record your calls.

So sorry to read this don’t have words of wisdom but surely this is the worst period and you will just get through it. What was it Churchill said? “Il you’re going through hell keep going”. Be as kind to yourself as you can - brighter days must be ahead.

I'll tell him for you and I don't even know him.

I would shut down your ex using your daughter to communicate. As someone above has said I would tell him in no uncertain terms that he is not to use your daughter in this way and tell her that this is not her role and no messages will be passed through her. It is not fair on her.

Then today, do something nice for yourself. Something very small if needs be, but something that may make you feel just slightly more human.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you but I really do think you need to tell the OW husband as its not fair on him either

You don't need to tell the OW husband. He may well have an idea by now and be trying to navigate and resolve this on his own terms that protect him and the children. Ignore the mumsnetters who want the next bit of drama.

You need therapy to help you realise that your husband has chipped away at your self-esteem, such that you seek your validation from him. When he wanted you, you felt good as a person, when he doesn't want you, you feel bad as a person. This is not a healthy way to view yourself. You are clearly a lovely decent woman and you deserve to feel better about yourself.

I'm telling you again: Don't invite him for Christmas dinner.

And this too.

Hope you have managed some sleep. I’m glad you are posting here for support. We are all rooting for you. Many of us have been through this and can totally relate to the utter grief you are experiencing.

It was this time 20 years ago that my exH of 14 years told me he had met someone else and promptly dumped me for OW. He watched a lot of Star Trek and I remember thinking he was like one of the characters as he had morphed into someone I didn’t recognise. He looked the same but he was completely different, so cold and heartless. This is how they manage the guilt that they feel and they rewrite history to make out the marriage was so awful and they had no choice but to leave, when that is not true.

I think you should forget about OWH for now. It does sound like they are having one last Christmas together, although I do think it’s a bit odd that she hasn’t left him before now.

The gaslighting thing is definitely from her. It’s not a term men use much. This is about him trying to deflect his guilt. He will also be mega stressed that she is still with her H. It’s also very low him using your DD to communicate to you.

Just try and eat a bit, look after yourself and focus on one day at a time and putting one step in front of the other. Do not think you are being indulgent, you are going through a grief. The rug has been been pulled from under your life.

As you are such an articulate writer, what about journalling your feelings? I did a bit of that and it did help. Also, you could read Rosie Green’s book about the end of her marriage how to heal a broken heart I think it is called. I haven’t read it all, but it might be helpful.

This really needs to be done.

Just imagine @Pleasenotme this poor man is in the unknown.
How would you feel?
Wouldn't you like you know?

This OW needs her little world shaken. I know your husband was to Blane too.
Husband aside . He is a wanker but
how fooking dare she Destroy your marriage
And play happy families with her husband.
Poor man.
NEEDS TO BE TOLD.

Then will see what new words your husband will discover.

Shit head.

Why???
Why are you happy to follow ow agenda???

Are you worth nothing???

Destroy their fooking plan.

I’m wondering if your daughter really understands what is going on. Have you explained it all, nuts and bolts? It’s up to them how they react and how they navigate the relationship with their father in future, but they need to fully appreciate what you are going through . Once you’ve explained, try not to heap misery on them because they have essentially lost their father too. He’s not the man they have known all their lives , he’s someone else. They must be very very upset too. It’s not a case of trying to get them to take sides but they must understand from your perspective what is going on. I agree with others that they should not be message bearers in future, it’s not appropriate.

I really struggle to believe that your ex was ever the man you thought he was. He sounds utterly selfish and completely heartless.

As soon as you can, book an appointment for a cut and colour, get your nails done, book a massage. You need to give yourself that care that you so need. It may sound trite but even small things can make you feel just a bit better.

I would also pack up his stuff and drive it round to his sisters. You don’t need his possessions hanging about making you feel worse.